i just ate. stayed clean eating wise (faw fruit and veggies and a bit of turkey) b/c i’m going to eat tonight with my husband. i already know what we are having and i must say i’m very excited. i want to keep eating but i’m stopping. i want to go to the gas station and pick up something yummy with a thin candy shell but i’m not doing it i tell you!
i say that and then i keep imagineing it. grrrrrrrrr
No - I’m a creamy jif fan. 
yes! i have much creamy jif in my pantry right now! maybe will have some with celery that i bought and forgot to slice!
Good morning. remember that song “bust a move” by Young MC?
There’s a part where he says “you ate so much you nearly split your pants.”…that phrase comes to mind when i think of the atrocities of last night.
i ate a 1.5 quart tub of Edy’s Cookies and Cream.
it should just say “crack” on the label.
so much cheapter than crack.
i like how it’s call a “tub” of ice cream. That’s what the label should say too: “hey tubby! welcome back.”
mmmmmm. ugh. feeling pretty gross. but i will admit that i didn’t feel AS SICK as i sometimes do when i go to freaking town on some food.
maybe it’s b/c the ice cream melts and is just tons of calories but doesn’t take up tons of room in your stomach?
I have no idea. i woke up today ready to GO TO TOWN again on some food.
thank God for church saving me from waking up to a binge.
had to get ready, then go pick up my daughter and her friend to go to church, then to church. then took the friend to meet her parents. then took my kid home to feed her lunch before I have to take her and her friend to a girl scouts end of the year party.
then i have my habit tracker list. i did my rosary. i did my affirmations. i’m now doing my fasting journal. and all the time i’m thinking of what i’m going to eat next.
surely eating to this level and putting food and eating above God is a sin and I am sorry. I did hear God convicting me today that i’m WAAAAAAY guilty of pride, especially when it comes to him.
i’m so great for going to church! what’s WRONG with these other BAD parents that won’t take their kids to church? i was even saying this stuff to my husband last night!
how self rightous CAN a person be? so i’m sorry God! help me wtih PRIDE. i have so much of it.
He also told me during church that i don’t HAVE to binge today just because i’m eating today. hmmmm, that’s true.
AAAAAAND here i sit debating on what to eat.
AAAAAAND He convicted me that taking vicoden b/c i fell down the stairs last week is no longer okay. the one day i did it, that was okay b/c in pain. the next day i did it - Friday - that was abusing drugs.
dang it. sorry God.
Abusing food - a sin. i NEVER hardly think of that. i sort of hate the word sin. It brings up feelings of shame. how about this…it’s abusive to eat to the point where food is god instead of God being God. So me sitting in church all morning thinking about food is making food an idol.
i’ve thought that about weighing in the morning before talking to God. I go to my scale as my god. oh scale god - tell me if i can feel good about myself today. 145? nope - my scale god says i’m bad.
obviuosly none of this is right. just how i have lived in the past.
i need to go to God in the morning - good morning Lord! thank you for being with me. thank you for my body which is the temple of the Holy Spirit. help me to nourish my spirit before ALL THINGS. and help me renew my mind.
i’m sorry for the gluttony. help me put YOU first. help me to lose the desire to binge and instead use the $ i save to give to the needy people. the people who don’t even have food.
it really is insane and selfish that i’m sitting here gorging on ice cream and there are people starving in the world. THAT i can easily see is a sin.
what else? so now that i’m typing all of this out, i’m not quite as tempted and wanting to binge. i know i need to focus too on how binging makes me feel. it makes me feel bad. full. gross. fat. unattractive.
and way too often, i get to the uncomfortably full point. makes for bad sleep. i woke up today with itching eyes and my eyes look soooooo puffy. i didn’t feel i looked good at all today.
not that i looked horrible. i have makeup and i used it by golly. some lady told me today that i looked great and beautiful and that she liked my hair. i needed to receive that today. instead of tell her all of my insecurities which is what i did.
i heard this and i like it - whenever someone gives you a compliment - that’s actually directly from God. So God was saying Liz you are beautiful and your hair looks good. Thank you Lord and thank you Gina at church for reminding me to be thankful for and to receive a compliment graciously.
said yesterday on our fasting group chat how i need to be nicer to myself and how we are all way too hard on ourselves. then i do exactly what i said i need to stop doing.
so many people came on my heart today while i prayed. i dreamed about a guy i went to grade school with last night and about a friend of a friend from college whom i barely know. i prayed for them and so many others.
i always wonder why do i think of people who i don’t see ever? I guess it’s just a sign that they do need prayer.
Earlier today, I was irritated that I couldn’t just come home and binge because of the other things I needed to do before beginning that. THEN i realized that the fasting check in call is exactly at the same time as the 75 minutes I was going to have after dropping my daughter off at the Girl Scouts party.
and as I have some space where i’m wanting to binge and not able to, I keep wanting to binge less and less. I am thinking of what Joyce meyers said in one of her books. she said it is hard to give up bad habits. but what we can focus on doing is building up so many good habits in your life that there is no longer room in your life for the bad habits.
and THAT is exactly what church and now this fasting group has done for me in my life.
Church: i was volunteering years ago and it was almost impossible for me to get up and get ready and be there on time to help because i was SOOOOOOOO hungover every day of my life.
i knew i needed to quit but couldn’t. but i kept showing up to church feeling like complete crap. and eventually God helped me overcome drinking.
and now i’m still showing up. i am teaching my daughter that even when we spend the night at a friends house - we can still get up and go to church. and it’s so extra cool because now because of our influence, we have brought a young lady to church with us and now she knows Jesus.
in fact, that girl’s mom said her daughter is begging her to go and take her. i said well, keep going with us and your mom will come around. i should have said we’ll pray for the whole family to come around.
and again, this was where i was getting self-rightous yesterday.
then i’m saying my rosary today and one of the fruits of the spirit we said today was the gift of faith. and somewhere in the Bible it says that faith is a gift from God.
So instead of feeling prideful that i have faith, i should be grateful that i have faith. thank you Lord that my dad had such a hunger for God. I’m truly grateful for that and Holy Spirit - REMIND me to be thankful for that and not prideful about it.
Joyce Meyer also talks about in one of her books that we tend to feel prideful when something comes easily for us that is a struggle for someone else. She says that’s a GIFT from God. you didn’t DO anything to deserve that gift. so you should not judge anyone else for not having that same gift.
it’s so enlightening to realize what a dick our flesh can be. how haughty, prideful, self-rightous. and notice how those sins seperate us from others. we look down on others when we should be praying for them and loving them right where they are as Jesus loves us no matter what.
Christianity. i don’t even want to tell people i’m a christian sometimes because i know how much i’m falling short of all of the principles it teaches. i love the f-word. i have done many-a-drugs. i gossip. i’m prideful. i’m unloving. i get angry and take it out on my family. i overeat. i am still finding myself abusing drugs. i am failing almost all of the time!
but the Bible tells us we are still supposed to spread the good news. so God just please help me. i know that you know my heart. help me to be a better example. thank you for all of my gifts and blessings. thank you for my amazing kid and my husband and my parents. thank you for my sister and step-sisters. thank you for our jobs. our home. our neighbors and friends. thank you for our church. thank you for too much food to the extent that i PAY hard-earned money to be apart of a not eating club. i love you lord! amen. gotta run. no time to binge this very moment. thank you for that too Lord because you KNOW home girl wants to go to town on some peanuts.
Amen. love ya’ll. still can’t believe anyone reads this!
Thank you Liz! You are “identifying” and moving forward! It is still inspirational. We are all imperfect…
thank you for reading Justin. nothing makes my day more :- 
41 hours and 41 minutes into my 7 day fast. Trying not to think too hard about the fact that I’m going 7 days. Just one day at a time is all I can think of or else I might freak out and calm myself down with food.
My sister-in-law hugged me last night and said I felt FRAIL. That’s the word she used. I was like “Frail? Feel this right here…” whilst grabbing my ass. She goes “Liz, I’m not touching your butt.”
So funny.
I think she was saying i feel thinner. i’m not frail. Oh my goodness. I don’t know if she meant it as a compliment, but i’m taking it as one.
I think people are just so overweight nowadays that if someone isn’t overweight, people will say that person is thin when really she’s just a healthy weight.
I would like to see if I can lose some cellulite. That’s my goal with this 7 day fast. And give myself time to lose all of the weight i gained over the weekend.
Jeez louise did i go to town over the weekend.
I just don’t STOP eating.
i don’t want to and my body doesn’t hardly tell me to unless I’ve eaten like 3 x the amount that i need.
i don’t even know the amount of food i need.
i hear in the back of my head that if i’d just cut out the sugar, my body would be able to tell me when i’ve had enough.
i need to pray for the desire to WANT to quit sugar. so addictive. and i don’t know what i’m trying to say here but it feels like i’m very emotionally attached to it. like i picture pulling it away from me and i see a glue-like substance that makes it impossible to pull it away from me.
weird.
i actually worked today. thank you God. Because yesterday was bad. i couldn’t seem to make myself do anything. i said to myself well, then really get into it and go and lay in the hammock and read and that’s exactly what i did.
Elin Hilderbrand’s The Identicles is what I am reading. Good summer beach book. I don’t feel like self-helping right now.
I have liked almost all of her books. Nantucket is usually the setting. I guess that’s where rich entitled people go. I’ve never been for the aforementioned reasons.
One thing i like about reading her books on my kindle is that I can easily look up words in the dictionary. Regular paper books I will just use context clues to decipher a word’s meaning but it’s nice to look it up properly and see how to pronounce it.
I have a pretty darn extensive vocabulary and she STILL uses words I don’t know.
Avuncular.
Great word. What does it mean? Until reading this book, I’d never heard that word. I’ve certainly never used it. I kind of figured out what it means by reading.
But now I could recall it and I guarantee I’ll use it in the near future because i’ve looked it up multiple times and I know how to say it and the definition.
There’s also a function in Kindle I think where you can review all of the words you have looked up. I don’t try THAT hard.
I do love it when a friend or someone I speak with uses a word I don’t know. I’ll stop them and be like “Wow! What was that word? How do i not know that word! what does it mean? I need to know that word. Thanks!”
At that point, my opinion of that person using a word I don’t know goes up.
I hear my husband walking around upstairs. I always listen to see if he’s coming down here. I feel uncomfortable with him standing over my shoulder when I’m “working.” Of course, that’s because I’m not working.
But even if I were…
My stomach is growling. I’m saying that as a neutral statement. I’m not upset about it. I’m not feeling sorry for myself this time as I fast. Hopefully that will continue.
The fact that there are several of us in this fasting group right now fasting for 7 days seems to be making it easier. I’m tempted to say it’s because we are all miserable.
But I’m not even miserable. If I focus on that, then yes, I could become miserable.
But I’m thinking of this as a great way to kick off the summer. Start off with a fast. Everyone else has their flabby-ass covid bod and I’m rocking this fabulous earth suit! yea me!
I have a hard time with humility.
I’m not humble. and honestly, i don’t really even try to be.
I figure if I’m happy with things about myself, I shouldn’t have to pretend that I’m not. I guess maybe I don’t know how to be humble.
My daughter is getting off the bus at 3:30 so I’ve got 30 minutes. I want to go in the hammock again but it’s pretty warm outside and i don’t want to get all sweaty since I already showered. Then I think, wow how lazy am i that i don’t want to LIE IN A DAMN HAMMOCK because of it potentially being hot.
One thing I know for sure is I’m funna need some more LaCroix. La-Crack as I call it. That stuff is crack. But probably my La-Crack habit is more expensive than a crackhead’s crack habit.
I can drink like 6 cans a day EASILY.
I actually have to keep it in my basement because the fact it’s downstairs possibly stops me from drinking even more.
I’m not making fun of crackheads. Well, I sort of am. I know it’s much more expensive to do crack than drink LaCroix. I do feel like a complete dick when i think of how much I spend on LaCrack.
I don’t think about it actually because then I’d really feel bad. I already feel bad that I spend over $20 a month on it. Maybe double or triple that amount. Again, I’m not happy about it. Just stating facts.
I can’t decide if I want to go to church tonight. I kind of do but honestly only to give myself something to do and not eat.
Then a part of me is like “stay home. read on the hammock.” that also sounds very appealing.
but the hammock was getting a little buggy last night. i think they like my sweat and possibly my sunless tanning lotion.
i’ll admit last night i was totally feeling how my legs looked last night in Taekwondo. my daughter goes on Mondays and Wednesdays and the only seats open last night were facing the mirrors like what you see at a ballet studio or gym. i had a cute dress on and i had my legs crossed. had used the sunless tanner and i was like damn girl, you are HOT!
Nobody else told me that. so that’s why i told myself.
yesterday i read a book by Todd Parr called The Underwear Book via zoom to my daughter’s first grade class.
They were laughing so much. it was very flattering that they liked it so much. I act like I wrote it. LOL. but i am good at reading and inflection 
THEN the teacher had them make me thank you cards. They actually all drew me a picture and wrote a thank you note. It was one of the nicest surprises I’ve ever received in my life.
I sent the teacher a thank you video and I almost started crying.
I’m an easy crier sometimes.
Get me going on God or something like that and I’m a soggy kleenex.
I guess that’s all I’ve got for today. I really need to do my nails ugh. doing one’s own nails is quite frankly, a part time job that costs me $ that’s funny
I’m not rich or entitled (as most would associate those terms with) but I did live on Nantucket for about 5 years.
It’s very secluded in the winter.
There’s no Walmart or CVS. Most special things you have to bring with you from the mainland or order online.
Lol. You have a choice in deciding your state of mind. You can be miserable during a fast or you can decide to view it as a character building challenge.
I know someone who spends $10 a day average on beer - so don’t feel too bad.
I have a soda stream. They sell flavor drops to put in your soda. You could create your own home LaCroix.
I can’t drink that brand personally. Tastes horrid to me. I make up for it with my red bull though so… Lol. I have a future project to start making my own bitters to put in soda.ill be chasing the dragon trying to create my own version of red bull. That crap is expensive.
Thanks @lizgistics for the funny and uplifting post! You got this! And @Miramar, you bring up a great point… $$$$. Not to share too much but I am in the last vestiges of a divorce, moved out of my big house over a year ago. And live in a small, two room efficiency near my work (50 miles away) until everything washes out. My point being that I have been eating and drinking out every damn night. Even if you go to the local Brew Pub, dinner, drinks and tip is $40-$45 or so anyway. So that’s ~$300 a week, $1200 a month. Quitting food and alcohol, at least in my case, is saving me $14k a year! Well, at least theoretically 
!
Oh my goodness. I take it all back what I said about Nantucket! If you like to read - check out Elin Hilderbrand. I think all of her books take place at least sometime on Nantucket.
It’s funny you mentioned no Walmart. I keep wondering what groceries cost there. It’s got to be crazy expensive. I’d love to visit there after reading about it. What motivated you to go there?
This book I’m reading now half takes place on Nantucket and half on Martha’s Vineyard. I’m in the midwest where almost nobody goes to the Northeast voluntarily. I didn’t realize they were so close to each other. I’d only heard of these places in passing so i didn’t even realize these places are islands!
I’m really loving it. There’s almost what you’d call a sibling rivalry going on between the 2 towns (cities?). They both feel superior to the other.
I just realized this - there’s also the sibling rivalry going on in the book between 2 identical twin sisters. How I didn’t make that connection until now. just shows I don’t absorb the books I read. I just sort of read a whole paragrah at a time. my husband says it’s cheating. i say there’s no test so who cares? i’m reading for enjoyment. i don’t have to turn in a book report ya know?
Yes, fasting is TOTALLY character building. I do love that about fasting. It makes you realize you’re a helluva lot stronger in your mind that you would have thought. And that then spills into other areas of life. it helped me quit pot this time. So many “this times” when it comes to me and pot and drinking. But i pray i never ever go back to either one - booze or pot. and i should throw all mood-altering substances in there because…
i’m not gonna lie, i have been SO wanting to grab more vicoden ever since I took them 2 days in a row. And I just keep telling myself no Liz. You know already that you took one recreationally on Friday and it’s not good for you to do it again once you admitted it happened.
In my mind - it’s like starting weed again. I just want a reprieve of being in this mind of mine. I want to NOT think. I told yas the thing i don’t like about fasting is TOO much mental clarity. i prefer oblivion. Problems disappear into the background when i’m using drugs. even if it’s for a night. So THAT’S the appeal.
And i keep telling myself that taking a vicoden is the same as smoking pot. I COULD restart my sobriety / smoking free date. But i’m not going to. I’m counting how long it’s been since i smoked weed. I haven’t historically had a problem with pills minus the one time recently. And that’s the other reason I keep telling myself no to pills. Because I KNOW i could EASILY get into it more if i let myself and drug addiction, frankly is too time consuming.
Even LaCroix, LaCrack is time consuming. I NEED to go to the store to get some soon. Or else I am going to run out probably by tomorrow. And just KNOWING i’m low on LaCrack makes me squirm a little. I don’t like thinking of running out of it.
Again - addiction. I’m tethered to it right now and i’m not ready to let go of it.
I’ve seen those soda stream things before. i guess i never thought of making sparkling water. hmmmmm. maybe i’ll look into that.
red bull - that has fake sugar right? or do you do the regular sugar added kind when you aren’t fasting? I’m glad i never got into red bull because it really is expensive. that’s the MAIN reason i have never gotten into it. it’s like starbucks to me. i just don’t see the appeal so much that i’m willing to pay that kind of premium to have it.
oh yeah, and i totally spent at least $5 or so a day to smoke weed. my husband thinks it’s a lot less. But i think when you add the times we have bought the gummies and the vape and the vape pens…it adds up big time. he’s also in denial about how much he drinks and gets high.
sadly, he has to be in denial because if he really took a good hard look at how much $ he is spending to ruin his health and get fucked up - there’s no WAY he could continue to flush $ down the toilet like this. no way in hell.
We save 18% of our income for retirement. I think that’s a lot. he says it’s not enough. i wonder what % he’s spending on weed and booze. I calculated how much he spent in 4 days one day last week and i got REALLY upset. So honestly, i’m not going to calculate how much he spends either.
i really don’t need to be disliking him more than i already do sometimes. Plus i throw money away on my own frivolity. Botox, filler (which I STILL have 2 bruises on my cheeks from and it’s been 9 days since i got it). hair color. nail stuff. makeup. clothes. that all costs a small fortune when you add it up so that’s another reason i can’t say anything.
money is hard in a marriage. you want things to be fair. but nothing in life is fair. if i calculate how much my husband makes per hour with all of the time he puts into his work…and then i did the same for me…i probably make 10 times what he does.
but again, there’s nothing about life that is fair. it’s silly to think that marriage is going to be 100% equal on every level in all areas.
love love love. that’s what i have to remind myself of for my marriage to stay intact. the love we have for each other. God brought us together. i think back to how we met. how much my husband actually has made me a better more productive person. how he believed in me starting my own business enough to put a freaking 2nd mortgage on our house. what kind of guy DOES that? not a lot of them, that’s for sure.
plus there are SO MANY shitty guys in the world. i think i dated half of them. the good ones are more than likely taken. i’m not going back out there unless forced by circumstance or he leaves me which, not sure for sure but don’t think that would happen.
totally it costs SO much to eat and drink out. i’m sorry to hear you are getting divorced. that’s sad 
hopefully you are staying upbeat. i know reading my amazing writing has to cheer you up…i hope so anyway.
and I’m praying for you Justin. and your soon to be ex wife. divorce sucks. i don’t care even if you are the person who left - it still sucks. and it sucks for everyone involved. even extended families and friends. it maybe even sucks for divorce lawyers except when they are cashing your check. THAT probably does NOT suck but everything else - yes.
what to write about today. as this is a FASTING forum - perhaps i should speak of fasting! 63 hours 52 minutes in. That means I’m about 8 hours shy of completing day 3.
i feel pretty good. little bit of a headache. ate some salt. i don’t do salt water. i literally just take out my pink himilayan salt grinder, grind some onto my counter, and then lick my finger to eat it.
that being said, my counters are not sanitary. but i figure a few germs are good for the immune system. my kid used to eat candy off the floor at this one restaurant that had those little quarter candy dispensers. she turned out fine. didn’t even get Covid when i had it. my friends and family would be like “NOOOOOO don’t eat that.”
i honestly don’t give a shit. it’s fine. i really thinik it is. i guess as a mom i should be all “disinfect everything” but i’m just not that mom. i’m was telling my kid this morning before she got on the bus to lick her finger to remove a little eye crust that was on her cheek. is that gross? maybe. however, looking at eye crust on someone’s cheek is ALSO gross. i am going to go with spit on your own face to save OTHERS some pain.
what else. i’m feeling a bit anxious today. tomorrow is my meeting with the new owner of the company i sell for. i know roughly what we are going to work on together. i thought of emailing him and asking if i should prepare, but my reason for NOT doing that is that he might actually reply with some things i should do.
And sorry but i don’t feel like working. my mom is the one who tells me “good! don’t work.” her thought process is ENJOY IT if you don’t have to work too hard. don’t do what i do 90% of the time which is feel guilty about not having to work too much or too hard. she makes me feel a little bit better about slacking.
i honestly don’t know what to do anymore with covid. hoping by the time the school year starts in september i’ll be up and running again. and then my husband will be back at work in his office (hopefully) by 9/6.
i know that’s a misplaced modifier but i’m not going back to fix it. it probably would have taken LESS effort to fix it. but you know what i mean. i’m hoping he’ll go back to the office right after labor day.
i might miss him…MIGHT.
i know i don’t like when he works really late.
he’s got a work people happy hour this friday from 3-5pm. i’m like STAY OUT and get yourself dinner. i’m not eating friday and that is typically one of our nights we go out to eat.
i think quite honestly the fact that he scoffed at me when i said i was going to fast for 7 days this time is making it so much easier to stay on this fast.
i can’t remember if i wrote it here or not. he asked me yesterday if i was eating last night. i said nope, i’m not eating tonight. in fact, i am not eating for 7 days. and he piffed me. PFFFF. sort of like that.
one could interpret that in different ways. the way i took it based on knowing this man for 13 years is he was saying “whatever. you SAY you’re not eating for 7 days but i know you SAY a lot of times you are fasting then you eat so since 7 days is a long time to go without food, i don’t BELIEVE that you will make it 7 days. i don’t believe it one bit.”
and to THAT (interpretation), I say eyebrow raise meaning “watch me motherfucker.”
and say that in kindness because i am, in fact, a mother and he does, in fact, fuck me.
not as often as we should probably. now that i know a person named “justin” is reading this, I feel I shouldn’t delve much into my sex life so as he doesn’t get the wrong idea or think i’m messed up for writing about my sex life.
but then again, i really sort of just use this forum as a free-for-all and write whatever i feel like writing. i don’t find that my life is SO interesting that i need to hide or edit myself. it’s sort of liberating actually to just write whatever i want. and then if someone reads it and it reasonates or it makes them laugh - then it’s a win-win for everyone.
i got to write and write whatever i felt in the moment. and a reader got something out of it.
i’m still amazed anyone reads this. y’all must like to read. that’s the only possible explanation for why you are reading this.
please reply with why you read this just to appease my curiosity. if you would be so kind, i’d appreciate it.
and - i’m just throwing this out there - let me know what you want me to write more of. less of.
i’ll forewarn you - i typically don’t take people’s advice. but i do solicit it and listen to feedback. i think what i do a lot is i marinate on it. i let it sink in before taking it or not taking it.
i kind of just do what i feel in my gut most of the time. i don’t know if that’s good or bad.
i can tell you this MOUTH of mine gets me in trouble sometimes. i tend to be too reactionary.
but i can also tell you this MOUTH is my money maker. to an extent. this mouth combined with my external earth suit shell. i DO think how i look has something to do with selling.
that’s actually how i justify all of the $ i spend on my appearance. I’m in sales! i don’t think i’d care this much about wrinkles and things if i wasn’t. or even if i DID care, i can’t imagine i’d be injecting things in my face considering the price tag. maybe i would. but i tend to think not. i just don’t think i could justify it.
i do know that to do my job, i absolutely have GOT to feel good about myself inside and out.
that’s such a big thing in sales that i struggled with for a long time.
if you don’t like yourself. if you feel unworthy, if you feel that you are fat and unattractive, the world can tell and nobody is going to buy from you.
that’s why this business i run and my husband and kid have saved me from myself. from my addictions. i was getting swallowed by my alcoholism. i know pot addiction has been a big thorn too but my drug of choice was alcohol. hands down.
i couldn’t go on the way i was going. i was probably not too far from the point of drinking booze immediately upon awakening. THAT is how awful i felt every morning. splitting headache at all times. nauseus stomach.
and this is just the physical part.
Then mental torture i was putting myself through was pure hell. So much guilt. i’m a bad mom. horrible mom. what kind of mom takes their baby for a walk in the park with a beer in the cup holder?
what kind of mom uses the bottom of the stroller as a shelf for a cooler of beer?
me.
what kind of wife is DRUNK when her husband gets home from work at 5:30 pm? what kind of wife pretends she is NOT drunk when her husband gets home from work at 5:30?
me.
what kind of business owner can barely work because of extreme hangovers daily? what kind of business owner is going to fail in business because of this alcoholic lifestyle?
me.
all of this and so much more. one of my daughter’s first words was beer. that is because i always had a beer sitting on the post of her crib when i’d be putting her to bed at night.
that was a shocking revealing moment i recall that made me feel horrible. i’d be miserable in the shower saying “i’m not going to drink today. i can’t keep drinking like this. i feel like crap all of the time. this has got to stop.”
2 or 3 pm rolls around and guess what? i’d be cracking open a beer.
pretty pathetic.
but i try not to beat myself up for it. i’m more just reminiscing to remind myself how bad it is for me to drink. how toxic that stuff is on my life. and how easily i could slip right back into it if i have one sip. i’m the kind of drinker who goes too far and get sloppy every time.
so unattractive.
i have a friend who i’m going to her house this monday on memorial day with my husband and kid. our kids love playing together so that’s honestly probably the only reason i’m friends with her.
she’s a great person. she’s cool as shit. she’s hilarious. she’s a hot mess. she’s an alcoholic in the way that i am an alcoholic. slurring words. drinking as often as is socially acceptable. and then some. loves her beer so much that she really cannot seperate her personality from it.
i love her so much. but it’s not really healthy for me to be around. she also smoke cigarettes and uses pot. but alcohol is her nemisis.
i feel bad for her and i pray for her. i know PROBABLY deep down she KNOWS she drinks too much. she’s got to know, right? she did tell me once that she has been drinking a lot more since both of her parents died. that was 5 or so years ago and they died within a year or 2 of each other.
enough about that. i’m praying for her and her husband and kids. her older daughter i’m sure is seeing that amount and frequency of drinking so that cannot be good.
i had a dream about one of my friends last night who doesn’t live in the same city as me. not sure why she was on my mind minus she needs prayer.
in my dream, i was at her house and i opened the fridge and she had all of these M&M’s! the movie theater kind - you know the ones that come in boxes?
and i was like JACKPOT!!
but i didn’t really want the plain ones. the only thing good about the plain ones if you ask me, and you didn’t but i’m going to tell you anyway because i’m the one writing this shit, is that they LAST a little bit longer because i do like sucking on them a bit before trying to crunch that thin candy shell off and then i suck on the chocolate. so they are smaller and therefore, a portion of the plain ones do seemingly last longer than the other types of M&M’s.
what i wanted were the peanut butter ones. she only had a single box of those. i didn’t want to be a jerk and take those because then she’d have no peanut butter ones for herself. Plus i didn’t want to get busted for taking them. but i really wanted them.
she had a few boxes of the peanut M&M’s which are also delicious.
i don’t recall if i took any of them. it seems like perhaps i was talking to her about it all and trying to guage how she’d feel if i took one or more boxes.
i think i did end up taking the peanut butter ones.
why in the hell would i dream that?
I think it’s pretty telling how much i enjoy peanut butter and peanut M&M’s that i’m flipping dreaming about them. and not only that, but that particular dream is the only dream i recall from last night.
i don’t know if like recalling dreams or not. i always want to know what they mean. and then i google search it but “dreams about refrigerated boxes of M&M’s in multiple varieties” doesn’t really give one a clear answer as to interpretation.
joseph in the bible had the gift of dream interpretation. i do not.
so i googled that exact phrase i wrote earlier. nothing. not surprising. but what if something HAD come up? that would have been really weird.
so i googled “dreams about candy.”
there’s a lot of info. the most obvious meaning is that i know i’m doing something harmful to my body but i’m doing it anyway because of the pleasure and the rush i experience.
THEN this damn dream article goes further and says it’s a warning that my actions will have severe consequences at some point if i don’t put my desires on hold and use my brain.
damn. fuck you article.
although i know it’s all probably true. why can i not just be a normal person who enjoys candy sometimes but has OTHER thoughts in her head?
i enjoy candy so much i’m having fucking nightmares about it.
calling it a nightmare is an exaggeration. but i did have that familiar feeling of finding it necessary to sneak food. wanting to take it without getting caught. i had the familiar feeling of feeling edgy about taking it at all. just that sense of panic rising up that really is a warning i suppose. it’s saying don’t even start on the M&M’s liz. you KNOW this takes you down a high-risk path of REALLY REALLY binging.
and then i come back to WTF liz!?! stop binging so fucking much and then you won’t have to fast so fucking much…
DUH!!!
and yet.
and yet.
and yet.
here i am. on day 3, going for a 7 day fast.
i think too if i’m going to be fasting an average of 2-3 days a week then i DESERVE to eat some damn candy!
and i guess that’s true. but then WHEN i go crazy on the food, then i also HAVE to fast quite a lot to undo all of the damage i do when i binge.
it’s a vicious cycle.
i follow dr. fung and he says things (I’m paraphrasing here) “people who do extended fasting might eat some more when they DO eat, but not THAT much more.”
ha! i wish.
i am a binge eater. have been since i was 18. maybe even since before then. but definitely for sure i know i was binging at age 18.
i’m 42.
24 years.
that seems like a long time.
maybe it’s time to put down the M&M’s and start treating candy, cookies, and ice cream like i do alcohol and pot and pills.
damnnnnnnn it. i feel like everything is being taken away from me. i can’t do anything fun in moderation. WAAAAAAHHHHH i’m crying like a little baby.
maybe i need to just deal with it though. alcohol is poisen to the human body.
sugar is too.
but i think of sugar differently than i think of alcohol.
anyone have a must see sugar toxicity youtube video i should watch?
i know people have shared them with me in the past. but i really don’t want to face it. i still don’t. but maybe that’s part of the solution. reframing sugar from a lover to a killer. or something like that. you get the idea.
ok now it’s time for the check in call with yas. holy crap. i wrote a lot. just didn’t want to stop. is that weird?!? i like hearing the clicking of the keys. not sure why. something satisfying about it. i was going to go to the grocery store but fuck it. i can run out of LaCroix. it won’t kill me.
plus i don’t feel like buying a bunch of crap for my family. that is what i seem to do half of the time. love ya’s! peace!
got up today hoping to see 130-SOMETHING on the scale. 141. that is down 0.6 from yesterday. very disappointed.
i must have really gone crazy over the weekend. maybe it was the entire container of 8 servings of ice cream.
still last night i hit 3 full days of fasting. maybe i’m expecting too much but oh my gosh i would think i’d see 130-something by NOW.
i’m at 88 hours and 35 minutes of fasting. my head hurts. yesterday was hard. it took everything in me NOT to eat after my daughter went to bed.
but i raced past the kitchen on the way to my room like a first-day-clean-meth-head driving past his dealer’s house.
then i got in bed and was like okay now just don’t get out of bed and tomorrow the scale will reward you. NOT THE CASE.
I know i shouold not care about the day-to-day fluctuations so much.
the bottom line is i need to flipping quit binging if i ever hope to be able to maintain my weight around where i’m at now.
and probably the only way to even come close to the goal of quitting binging is to cut out the sugar. i say this every day i think. i know.
i guess i’m just surprised this week’s weight is taking me so long to lose. it seems like in weeks past i was seeing 130-something when i’d fast 2 days the following week. then last week i did have to fast 3 days to see 130-something.
now this week - i’ve done did 3 days of fasting and i’m still at 141. what the heck?
could be i’m just going more crazy every weekend. i’m not really sure.
i was originally going for 4 days this week of fasting and if i can make it though tonight then i’m there.
the fasting group is going for 7. at first i was like no way. then i got all gung ho and i was like okay i’ll do 7. now i’m fucking HANGRY and i want to eat tomorrow. today actually but there’s no way i’m going to eat until i see 130-something.
i’m hoping there’s a miracle by tomorrow and that the scale says 136 or something to reward me for fucking with my mind this week. i feel skinny. i don’t know why it said 141 this morning.
i keep going back and forth on if i should start weighing on the days when i eat. maybe if i saw myself bouncing up 5# after 2 days, i’d take it a little easier than i have been.
who knows. all i know is right now i’m OBSESSED with my weight.
i want to fantasize about food. i took a couple of dresses i bought back to walmart today and it took all of my strength to not go and buy peanut butter m&m’s.
last night when i was looking in the fridge, i thought - i’ll just eat this raw califlauer and raw broccoli…then i’ll stop…but WOULD I REALLY?
that’s the thing. i am not sure i would. in fact, i’m about 99% sure it wouldn’t end there. then i think well no wonder you binge so often . surely it’s because of how much and often you’re fasting.
maybe it’s just a fluke. i know i should not worry this much. just seems very very unfair to not be seeing the weight i want after 3 full days of fasting. i’m tempted to get on the scale right now but that might really piss me off.
going to get on the fasting call and hopefully the people on there will motivate me to stay on tonight. i should be motivated just by the fact that the scale STILL was not 130-something.
i say in my affirmations every morning “i see 130’s every week.” and in order to make that reality, i really do need to stay on this fast another day at least. ugh. i shouldn’t focus on how hard it is. just right now, i feel weary.
You committed to 4 and you did 4 so you crushed it in my books 
WOOOO!!!
you’re too kind. i fucked up. took a recreational vicodin last night. yeah - that’s not in the plan. and got out of my head for a whopping 10 minutes. then just felt like i was going to puke. then talked myself into eating. then husband fucking pissed me off telling me not to eat anymore. i said i haven’t eaten for 4 days! then we mutually added up the calories i’d eaten. i was like that’s not very many for a day - not to mention 4 days and by the way:
FUUUUUUUUUCK YOU.
he’s such an ass. i wanted to go crazy on him and say PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD LOOK IN THE MIRROR. YOU ARE FAT! REALLY FAT. OBESE! I AM NOT. so please fuck off. please leave me alone. then i retreated to my basement and ate AT him. then i went to bed so mad. then i got up out of bed and binged some more in my guest room.
i swear i fucking hate him. not really but seriously. i get so pissed when he gives me a hard time about what i’m eating. like please please please leave me alone. you aren’t helping me. you’re just pissing me off b/c my BMI is 23 and yours is 31. i’m a healthy weight and you are obese.
and not only THAT but i also have to look at u during sex. I AM THE ONE WHO SHOULD HAVE THE RIGHT TO TELL YOU TO FUCKING STOP EATING!!!
i put up with so much from this man. sometimes i really do understand having an affair. not sometimes. i actually understand it all of the time.
if there was someone in front of me who WANTED to have an affair with me and really pursued me - i don’t know if i could resist.
and THAT right there is why i believe in God. He protects me from myself.
this is wayyyyyyyyy TMI. i could give a fuck. show this to him. maybe he’d get his head out of his ass.
maybe he’d get his head out of the fridge. maybe he’d get his head out of the pantry.
maybe he’d get his mouth off of the vodka beverage. maybe he’d get his mouth off the weed pipe.
fuck you husband. i really am thisclose right this second.
he’s such a douche bag tool.
i wish i’d never gotten married. i wish i’d said no when you proposed. i wish i’d called off the wedding.
of course, can’t go back in time.
i need to talk myself off the ledge right now so bear with me.
if i hadn’t married husband, i wouldn’t have my daughter.
so that wouldn’t be worth getting in a time machine. i couldn’t give her up voluntarily.
i still wonder why i went through with the wedding. my heart literally sunk when he proposed.
it should be the opposite yes? you’re heart should soar when your boyfriend proposes yes?
i think biological clock had a lot to do with it. and i DO love this man. i know i said fuck him and i hate him but i honestly truly do love him.
why??? lots of reasons but mostly b/c he worships me. that’s probably not the BEST reason to get married but it’s not the worst either.
that’s what i told my grandpa. he said “i thought you weren’t going to get married. why are you getting married?”
i said “because he asked.”
grandpa laughed and said “that’s a pretty good reason.”
i’m definitely not the first woman alive to sort of be not totally wanting to marry the guy she marries.
it does put one in a predicament for a lifetime though.
but again, i say this all of the time, and i honestly do believe that God brought us together. and i know a lot of my friends, even Christian friends, would say it’s okay to leave your husband. i actually do feel that in God’s eyes - that it is NOT okay for me to leave him.
if he leaves me - okay - i can’t control that. but i can control leaving him.
does that mean we both suffer?
i sure hope not. i’d actually be pretty sad if he was as unhappy with me as i am with him. why? because i honestly DO truly love this asshole. because probably so much of the time, i’m actually the asshole.
maybe we are both assholes. but i’m more often an asshole than him. this i know.
he supported me when i wanted to start the business. he stayed with me when my addictions were rampant. he’s saving 18% on our retirement. he’s a good human. he’s doing a service project for my church tomorrow with my daughter and me.
i just can’t in good conscience leave a good man like my husband.
nobody is going to be perfect. i married a drug addict and alcoholic. knowingly married one. he’s functional. i don’t think it’s fair for me to leave him for being this way when i knew he WAS and IS this way.
it’s like changing the rules of the game in the middle of the game and that’s not fair to do.
again, i know i could leave.
i can’t do it. i cannot bring myself to really think too much about it.
every marriage is going to have ups and downs.
we are really good sometimes. we were really good for years. these last 8 years have been rougher than the first 5.
but a lot changed. i started a business. had a child. bought a house. he lost his job. got a new job. i quit drinking. he kept drinking. i quit smoking weed. he kept smoking weed.
lots of changes.
great times: we went to Italy. that was one of the best times of my life. i wish i could go back in time and do the whole trip again. what an amazing experience.
he and i are great on vacation together.
we are good in other ways too. both hard workers. both good with $. both love our daughter and try to be good parents.
he’s sometimes the only dad at things our daughter does. that always makes me feel good. he shows up.
he’s not AS good as me. lol. but what dad is? Dad’s are so different and let’s face it, they aren’t near as good as moms.
dads don’t know what’s going on half of the time. they are like oh the kid really doesn’t NEED a bath. the kid really doesn’t NEED sleep. the kid really doesn’t NEED to be on time to ANYTHING IN LIFE.
they are just retarded.
what’s healthy food? she likes sugar so let’s just give her as much as she wants. that’s the easiest thing to do.
okay i’m sort of off the ledge. cracking myself up a little bit. please God let my customer cancel on me today please god. i feel mentally and physically like dog doody. 
I’m listening to my Dr. Joe videos in preparation for next week, and he just said something that prompted me to want to post on the forum, but I saw your post here first. He said,
“Routine lulls the brain to sleep.”
He was talking about how special events cause a feeling - and those feelings are actually chemicals the body creates, that is how you feel them. And your long term memories are wired in the brain, like a first kiss or when 911 happened. We all know where we were or what we were doing when 911 happened, but some of us don’t have a clue about what we had for dinner a few nights ago.
“If feelings and emotions are the end product of past experiences, and you’re feeling the same way every single day what does that mean? Nothing new is happening in your life. Now if feelings and emotions are the end product of past experiences and you can’t think greater than how you feel or feelings have become the means of thinking, are you thinking in the future or are you thinking in the past?”
Basically he’s talking about breaking out of old programming - being aware of those thoughts when they happen so you can address them, and turn them into more of a wisdom thought (the bad feelings) and open yourself up to new emotions and experiences. Living in the present moment and creating a new future.
(side note, it’s 5:30 am and I’m on my porch on the second floor and a rat just tried coming up the stairs and I screamed 
)
Anyway, I think if you begin to deal with the thinking, you can think yourself into happier and better thoughts to the point where it could become more of an enjoyable experience.
On the flip side, the meditations we go into basically cause the brain to completely empty. I could be a few minutes into a meditation, a thought creeps in like I need to do laundry or what am I having for dinner or did I post on the water fasting forum, lol, and I’ll be directed to go back into the void/quantum field/ empty space where I am nothing and nobody and no thing, no one. And it’s in that void where actually every thing exists and is a possibility and it’s there where you go to create a new future. Change the mind and the body eventually follows suit and you can break away from the past.
There doesn’t have to be guilt or shame in the thoughts that pop in your head - just an awareness of when they occur and making a conscious decision on how you are going to allow your body to react.
It’s that whole mindless eating thing - stuffing bad things in our bodies so we get a sugar rush which we think makes us feel better but it’s the same as taking a pill or what ever and zoning out.
You can get there with deep meditation.
Good morning, and Happy Holiday weekend!
LOL, I’m gonna mail you a blind fold. Here’s a thought for you the next time you get it on. Think about how he has all those energy reserves to please you, and then think about how I have to run to the dollar tree for batteries every few weeks to keep my toy box going. lol - somewhere there’s a spinster keeping the dollar tree in business.
I’m not an avid reader as it knocks me out.
My ex fiance of about 14 years was working for homeland security. He’d been to Nantucket in his past and when there was an opening we moved there. I lived there until I left his ass and came down here to Florida. lol - his life went right down the crapper when I left him. But now I just wish him well and reflect back on the experience. I never talk or communicate with him - only left messages when the rest of my family died (as they died). He messaged me a couple of times in the past 5 years but I pretty much ignored it.
I was behind reading your posts but caught up !! Loved reading them … it’s a story to me and I’m rooting for you in all areas! Food and marriage!! 
hahahahaha
my vibrator plugs in and recharges that way.
i think the thing was $200 but this brand is awesome. lasts forever