that’s cool. i was looking at AIr B & B’s in Nantucket last night. even saw one in Tuckernuck!!
Liz’s fasting journal
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Thanks so much Stacia!
there was an exhorbitant amount of eating over the weekend since i posted last.
there were copious amounts of M&M’s. There was ice cream. chicken nachos. Ceasar salad. bread. peanuts. pistachios. yogurt. popcicles. cheese and crackers. peanut butter. cornflakes. party potatoes. fiber one brownies. pizza.
the most random shit.
i could continue but i don’t want to think about it and get hungrier.
i really don’t get on the scale after a weekend like the one i just had, but i did so as to motivate myself to stay on my fast today.
I didn’t get on the scale yesterday and i had PLANNED on fasting yesterday, i didn’t. i did fast for about 20 hours. went to a friend’s house who i don’t like (yes, i have another one of those).
didn’t eat there.
got home. tired. took the kid to the playground and the dog for a walk.
then i was like - here’s my reward. laying on my hammock - reading Elin Hilderbrand. That lasted for 5 minutes. then here comes my sweet daughter who wants to lay with me. Fuck. I love her but fuck i was HANGRY.
peace and quiet - gone.
then my drunk husband was in the garage smoking weed and watching sports and he had let the dog out on the balcony and my dog was barking non-stop. and i was like fuck this - i’m making nachos.
and so i did. and man oh man they were good. chicken nachos. i’m becoming a huge fan.
didn’t end there. OF FUCKING COURSE - it didn’t stop there.
so i ate everything that sounded good. unfortunately, we didn’t even have anything that was very good - but i ate it all anyway. why? because i love the mindlessness of eating. the oblivion. Was nowhere near satisfying to the point i had hoped.
then i got my daughter in bed.
then i wanted to eat more but didn’t because i didn’t want to hear any bitching or questioning or even SEE an eyebrow raise from my husband. so his anticipated judgement actually saved me from further eating.
then i got in bed thinking once he’s asleep, i’ll get out of bed and REALLY eat.
but thankfully, i was way too tired to stay awake and execute that plan. and i slept until i had to get my daughter up for school.
so i am thankful the scale wasn’t worse this morning.
oh it was bad. so bad that the scale spoke:
hey fatty - 150.4. how do you like THEM apples?
It seems as if you don’t actually even know what an apple is.
Does that resonate?
let’s make this easier - do you KNOW what produce is? or only pre-packaged crap? it seems only the latter.
so that’s pretty much what is up. i got on the scale to remind me tonight when i’m weak that i’m fasting because the scale said 150. i worked so hard to get to low 140’s. and now this.
but i actually thought in my head before i got on - i’ll bet it’s going to say 150. and yep. and then some.
i am not too upset. i’m slightly upset if i have to fast for like 5 or more days. THAT is upsetting. but i’m taking it one day at a time. i cleaned the 2 main bathrooms today to give myself something to do. and the kitchen surfaces.
none of that sounds hard or like much but it honestly took me over 2 hours because my house is that gross.
it’s funny how i’ll start cleaning. and then i’m like wow - if this were someone else’s house - i’d be grossed out. but it’s only when i start cleaning i think this.
i never mop my floors. very rarely.
and then i go to other people’s houses and most of them i think are like me. everything looks straightened up. not too terrible. but the truth is that they also rarely mop. i hate mopping. sweeping. vaccuuming.
we got a new bed and put an area rug under it. and now the dang dee-bot - poor person’s answer to the roomba - gets stuck on the area rug because of the thick piling. grrrr. i knew that was going to happen and i told my husband i didn’t want to put the rug there for that exact reason.
of course, he thinks i’m lazy and guess what - I AM LAZY!
this isn’t news, ya know?
i’m in my office now trying to motivate myself to go upstairs and finish cleaning. including mopping. but that may be another task for another day.
i’m proud of myself that i finally moved my palm tree that was in a huge pot in my office outside. i had to use a dolly to make it happen.
what a pain in the ass.
i also need to dump the water ouf of the shop vac. i’ve had the shop vac out for like 3 weeks waiting for my husband to do it because he said he would.
it seems as if he forgot that he said he would do that. pretty sure he did.
i’ll be back. i’m going to dump the water out of the fucking shop vac. i really hate that i haven’t done it yet. it cannot be that hard that we have been walking around it for 3 weeks. i’m going to set the stopwatch on my phone just to time how long it takes me to dump the water and then move it back into the back room in the basement where it belongs. because this has been bugging the crap out of me for 3 weeks.
i’m going to bet the entire process will take less than 5 minutes. let’s see.
5 min and 40 seconds and that includes taking it outside to rinse the inside of the tank out because the water was BLACK. and i sloshed it onto myself a little first and onto my white gliding chair in my office because i’m careful like that 
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came to the realization today i have to cut out sugar. not happy. but i’ll live. i’m going to do this at least until 6/11 which is when i’ll be in michigan with the family.
i keep going back and forth on if i should just focus on that. my main problem is sweets.
I know for sure I’m committing to:
no desserts. no candy, cookies, cake, ice cream, pasteries, graham crackers, marshmallows, sweet pickles, honey roasted nuts, yogurt, popcicles, peanut butter with added sugar, honey, jelly, brownies, fiber one brownies, granola bars, cereal, cereal bars
…what else has sugar? i hope I’m not triggering you - i’m triggering myself!!
then i’m going back and forth on chips and crackers and bread.
i feel like those are really bad too. BUT the only time i eat chips is when i make nachos.
crackers i don’t buy because i will ANNIALATE a sleeve of ritz.
bread: i love bread. i honestly just don’t WANT to give that up.
like come on…no sandwiches???
i feel like maybe i’ll go ahead and give those up down the road but for now, i’ll just not buy crackers and chips which is pretty much standard for my house anyway.
but if i’m at someone’s house and they have them then i can have some.
now i’m thinking about ritz crackers. and doritos.
once i start with crackers, i jdon’t want to stop eating them. it triggers my addict brain. i feel almost powerless. that sounds so flipping lame.
I get the guilt because i love the taste and when i try to make myself stop, i can’t stop thinking about them.
gosh i am so sick of being me sometimes.
.
new list: at least until june 12 i’m committing to:
no desserts,
candy,
cookies,
cake,
ice cream,
pasteries,
donuts,
fudge,
graham crackers,
marshmallows,
sweet pickles,
honey roasted nuts,
yogurt,
popcicles,
peanut butter with added sugar,
honey,
jelly,
brownies,
fiber one brownies,
granola bars,
cereal,
cereal bars,
dried fruit,
instant oatmeal,
syrup,
crackers,
applesauce,
snack bars,
protein bars,
canned soup
ok for now: bread, chips, pasta, pasta sauce,
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You can do it my friend … trust me I was the binging queen (think eating entire sheet cakes in two days, bags of M&Ms (the only candy I ate except periodic thin mint cravings … oh yeah, recess peanut butter cups (holy hell I remember that horrible obsession)… you can do this. No one ate more crap food than me … trust me and I quit sugar (only took like 10 years but finally … ahhhh) 
. Going on 9 months now !! That’s a serious miracle
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i agree it IS a serious miracle. God bless you to keep going. that’s awesome and gives me hope
i didn’t make it this weekend on the no sugar. i made it on Saturday. Friday no. Sunday no. Sunday was REALLY bad. i actually am still sick from all of the binging. i’m talking sneaking peanut and peanut butter M&M’s last night and sneaking an ice cream cone from QT. and then i’m talking getting out of bed last night to binge. i feel so gross. my stomach is distended.
ugh.
oh well, can’t go back in time and change it. i am finding i eat very often when i’m angry with my husband or at the fact that i’m married to him. he was not being nice yesterday. pissed off at me for what i’d call a really stupid reason.
so i ate AT him last night.
i also was eating b/c i was trying to feel better. and i told myself that my dinner at the mexican restaurant wasn’t very good. which it wasn’t. and it wasn’t enjoyable AT ALL.
and i only ate b/c my asshole husband gets so mad at me when i don’t eat on weekends. i honestly just wanted to fast after the binge i had on saturday night.
i have enourmously insignificant problems. mostly surrounding my marriage.
my mom fucking pissed me off today too.
maybe the problem is me. i’m watching myself type out all of this stuff and it’s like i’m pissed off at everyone right now.
i can’t wait to fast all of this shit out of my body. i am feeling hungry. and that is actually making me feel very happy. i need to be hungry. i need to get rid of all of this bloat. so bloated.
i know i’ll feel so much better tomorrow. i know i will. i have an upcoming trip to michigan this weekend that i’m not looking forward to. it will probably be not as bad as i’m expecting. i’m really really lettting the devil have free reign in my mind right now.
i actually stopped reading earlier and read some of my jesus stuff and affirmations b/c this day really was going to hell in a handbasket quick
i weighed 150.4 today which is EXACTLY what i weighed tuesday. thank you lord i have almost 5 full days available.
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also - declaring that i’m fasting with intention today - to clear out this spirit of negativity from myself and my husband and my household in general. in jesus name we need you today Lord amen
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made it through yesterday. my daughter started one class of summer school yesterday from 10:30 til noon. and tomorrow she starts swim team from 8:30-9 on weekdays. so yesterday i had her from noon on. and she had the neighbor kid over. let’s just say he is a free spirit. i have a babysitter coming today tomorrow and thursday.
my kid on her own is pretty easy. add this other kid, and she joins whatever terror he’s chosen to engage in. i can’t take it.
still trying to figure out what to do next week b/c this sitter isn’t available. my sister is half ass offering to help out. she’s unreliable though. always need to have a backup plan with her. and in this case, my backup plan is no backup plan. i just sent my sister a message and said basically you have today to decide if you will babysit or not. i need someone. i was ready to flipping kill those kids yesterday.
what else? stayed on my fast yesterday and then slept 10 hours last night. i only woke up b/c my daughter woke me up. cannot believe i slept so long! but i must have needed it b/c i usually can’t sleep more than 8 hours. i also woke up with a tremendous headache this morning.
finally getting my life figured out today. June has been stressing me out! my daughter having all of this stuff in the mornings and then not knowing what to do with her in the afternoons has been like a thorn in my mind. july so much easier b/c the class will be over so she’s free from 9 AM on and most of the camps start around 9 AM.
i don’t know how people have more than 1 kid. or how they have normal jobs where both parents have to work all day. i work one day and i need 2 days off. that’s how i feel. but i guess if i had to have a normal work schedule i would. just seems like i’d end up in a looney bin.
so glad to be fasting again today. i really want to see this weight fall off again this week. i have been weighing and recording my weight every day again. it’s really depressing to do so. but i keep telling myself it’s just DATA. i don’t have to attach emotions to the #. the fact that i’m doing so is my choice. there was a time when i would have been eccstatic to see 140-anything.
now i really hate seeing it go above 145. but today it was 144.something and i’m still not happy. i want to see 130.something. which i haven’t seen in a couple of weeks now. i think not getting on the scale made me a little delusional. i was thinking that i’m around 140. but that’s only when i’m fasting. truth be told i’m around 145. ugh. not as sexy.
yas’s fasting group she said we are doing a 10 day fast starting on june 21 through june 30. if i really wanted to get to around 140 then i should do it. i hate hate HATE fasting through the weekends. mainly b/c my husband won’t hardly allow it without giving me a really hard time. i swear i really hate being married.
i told him we should have sex last night. but by the time it was 10 pm and the kid was in bed, i was so tired i was stumbling into my bedroom to go to sleep. i think the not having sex is what is making me hate him so much. and the fact that he doesn’t seem to mind or care. i know we both masturbate so i know it’s not that neither of us has sex drive. wtf is wrong with us?
i’m just praying for miracles for me and my family. we definitely need them. in jesus’ name. talk to you later
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Ritz are a double whammy because they have HIGH FRUCTOS CORN SYRUP.
I have to take a different approach. More about reading labels.
I had the most amazing real Mexican dinner with corn chips the likes I’ve never tasted. I don’t think I can enjoy corn chips in USA again - unless perhaps I attempt to make them myself from scratch.
You know, it’s possible to harness that creative energy in the sexual/chakra/hormone factory area and direct it up through the body for a different experience. That energy can be refocused into weightloss and body healing.
how do you do that?
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used some crutches this week. was supposed to fast monday through thursday and break my fast OMAD friday…today. I ended up fasting monday. tuesday i broke and ate less than 500 calories but still i broke.
then wednesday i did the same thing as tuesday except i ate around 1300 calories.
yesterday yaz told me knock it off. she said it’s going to be very hard for me to fast an entire day if i keep letting myself break. so i listened b/c i know she’s right.
so i did end up fasting all day thursday and i’m planning on breaking tonight at dinner.
My animal brain has been majorly messing with me. i really want to break my fast right now.
i promised myself before i eat, i’m going to put it in the chat that i’m struggling and then i said that means every day i’m fasting pretty much y’all are going to see that i’m struggling.
my weight is not what i want this minute. i haven’t seen 130’s for awhile may 21 to be exact so almost a month!
I can see i’ve gained about 2.5 pounds since april which was my lowest weight at 139 average.
yaz proposed a 10 day fast coming up. i could get this weight off if i just stick with 10 days. i could get this off plus a couple more pounds in preparation for my pensacola fl trip at the end of july. it is truly amazing how much weight i can lose in 7-10 days of fasting.
i do have 2 work lunches where i’m trying to get and maintain business. i could fake eating. that’s a kicker for me. the fact that i have to take people to lunch one on one. and as i’m trying to get and keep business, i can’t sit there across from my client or prospect and not eat. that makes people uncomfortable. especially women. ugh.
praying about that.
lowest weights by week:
june 13 to today: 142.4
june 6 - june 12: 141
may 30 - june 5: 141.4…3.5 day fast
may 23 - may 29: 141…4 day fast
may 16 - may 22: 138.2
may 9 - may 15: 139.2
may 2 - may 8: 139.8
april 25 - may 1: 137.5…completed 5 day fast
april 18 - april 24: 139.8…started 5 day fast
april 11 - april 17: 139.8
april 4 - april 10: 139.2…4 day fast
march 28 - april 3: 140
march 21 - march 27: 140.4…completed 7 day fast
march 14 - march 20: 149.8…started 7 day fast
march 7 - march 13: 143.8…completed 10 day fast
feb 28 - march 6: 148.8…started 10 day fast
feb 21 - feb 27: 154.8…completed 9 day fast
feb 14 - feb 20: 155.4…started 9 day fast
feb 7 - feb 13: 162.4…no fast
jan 31 - feb 6: 159.8
jan 24 - jan 30: 164
jan 17 - jan 23: no data
jan 10 - jan 16: 155
jan 3 - jan 9: 156.6
the lowest i saw this week was 142.4. the lowest i saw last week was 141. lowest week before that was 141.4.
started 10 day fast sunday night. i’m at 38 hours right now.
i wrote out my fasting stickies and have each day one of my reasons for fasting. today’s reason says to let digestion tract rest. i did have a nice visit to the bathroom today and i know this is gross but i feel so much lighter for a few hours afterwards.
i want to complain up a storm about all of the things i’m not happy about or things i don’t feel are going right in my life.
but i’m writing positives only: got my 2nd ppp loan forgiven by the government. that’s over $10k in free money. it is sort of sickening to think of the government giving out all of this money that we don’t have. but i have to take it. i’m an idiot if i don’t.
i worked at my daughters swim meet last night. four hours of non stop running back and forth on concrete with groups of kids. i realized this morning that my knees don’t even hurt. there was a time not long ago where i would have been in pain after a night like last night.
so that’s good news.
the sun is shining and it’s not too hot out.
that’s good news.
i bought 2 cans of sardines because i find even the sight of them absolutely disgusting. one i’m keeping in my purse. one in my fridge right where i see it.
if i want to break my fast, i have to eat a whole can of sardines. just thinking of it makes me want to stay on my fast.
i can’t really think of anything else. i’m sitting at my computer. knowing what i need to do for work and not wanting to do it at all. i want to take a shower.
i want to take my daughter to the pool but she’s got swimmers ear and i’m already still letting her go to swim practice which i really really should not do. i’ve got leftover drops that worked really well for this problem a couple of years ago and so i am treating it.
i just hate to take away something she loves and unless she doesn’t start getting better, i’m going to let her keep going to swim team practice.
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i’m nearing the end of day 4 of 10 day fast. feeling hard right now. i don’t know what else to say! i took some salt. drank a lacroix. my weight had really started to creep up this last month especially. i need to stop binging. i’m praying about that.
i don’t know why this is so hard for me to kick. if i would just stop binging, i’d probably barely need to fast. maybe a day or 2 a week. these 10 day ones are rough. but they have to be done.
going to florida in less than a month. i need to get this pudge off.
i say fasting is easier than eating. i’m trying very hard not to think of eating. fasting is how i’m going to feel better ultimately and i know that.
i am trying to think of things to do tonight that will take up time.
ideas:
take kid to the library.
let kid have a kid or 2 over.
take stuff back to victorias secret.
nails. mine really need to be done. fingers and toes.
kids nails
take horrible dried out mascara back to walmart.
get a present for k’s friend for saturday’s party.
watch movie with kid
clean the floors. i absolutely hate cleaning floors and haven’t done it in forever.
clean toilets. also not a fan of this.
have sex with husband later.
my kid has swimmers ear right now. she’s saying it feels better. so my ongoing conversation in my head is do i let her go to swim team tomorrow? do i let her go to a friends birthday pool party on saturday???
i bought her some ear plugs to wear. will that be okay? i just don’t know. being a mom is hard sometimes. you want to do what’s right but you don’t always know what that is.
i have a fugly fake tooth in front. it’s temporary while my new pretty tooth is being made. so embarrassing. i’m stressing out about it. i need to get over it. just we are having a few people over saturday night. and just all of the things going on right now in life. i am constantly around people and i have this jenky tooth that i’m self concious about. i am trying not to smile.
I’m near done with day 6. feel like I’m dying to eat. we are having people over right now and i’ve been cooking and cleaning all day. my husband is so nonchalant about it all. he woke up at 11 AM. who gets up at 11 when people are coming at 3??? and he did NOTHING to help me. he got really pissed at me when i asked him to help me move the damn fire pit off of the deck and put the table with umbrella in it’s place. it’s june. it’s summer. pretty sure the firepit has run its course until at least the fall. he’s such an asshole. i fucking hate him right now.
i know the stress of being with his dumbass is why i want to eat. i’m just tired. this party is all for HIS friends too. they are my friends too. but i quit drinking over 4 years ago. i’m almost 4 months off of weed. and so i just have nothing in common with these people anymore.
hardly any of them smoke weed. but they are a bunch of heavy drinkers. some of them try to get me to drink. fucking losers. i had a major problem with alcohol. was on the brink of losing my business. and they are telling me to drink? fucking losers. there’s no other way to describe them. some of them. not all.
i’m listening to my christian music in my office acting like i’m working. i had to get away. i really feel like i can’t deal with this right now. i’m sure that’s why i want to eat. i started cleaning a ton yesterday. just so many temptations on the weekends. took my daughter to the movies last night with some friends. snacks. popcorn. candy.
so why am i fasting?
- i ate like a pig last weekend in preparation of this 10 day fast.
- let digestive tract rest.
- mental clarity
- strengthen committment to healthy body and mind
- lose extra pudge gained since april… i haven’t seen the 130’s in at least a month
- beach vacation in less than a month and wanting to enjoy looking good and eating then.
- b/c 10 days will go by whether i fast or don’t. and i’ll get great results from fasting.
- to feel good in the mornings instead of having a sugar hangover.
- to get things done. accomplish all of the things.
- enjoy feeling light in my body and having energy.
right now, i’m praying to god to please please help me. i’m struggling so much. i use food as a higher power so often. it’s wrong. i’m sorry god. i want food to make me feel better. but i know it’s temporary. i need a fasting miracle lord. i want my husband to get off drugs and alcohol and start serving you. i want new business. i want my daughter to be successful. i want my entire family to serve you and be healthy. i want my sister to be sane. i want everyone in my family to get off the booze and weed.
wow haven’t written in a long time. over a month. i’m writing today b/c i haven’t been doing great. i haven’t done terribly either. went on vacation and got back saturday. vacation killed me. the weight is sky high right now. fasted almost 2 days then went on a binge last night. a small binge but a binge nonetheless.
today i hung a sign on my computer, on my fridge, on my pantry and on my nightstand to remind me to stay on this fast. i started my fasting clock last night so monday night and my plan is to eat dinner friday. keto dinner.
i need to get on the keto plan. the sugar is royally kicking my ass. i cannot seem to stop. then i just want to eat crap crap and more crap. i don’t even eat real food hardly. and i LIKE real food. so it’s utterly ridiculous that i don’t eat it.
which just goes to show what an addict i am. food addict. sure we are all food addicts. we need food to live. maybe i should just say i’m a sugar addict. and simple carbs.
trying to figure out exactly what keto is. i don’t really know. i just know i need to get rid of all the crappy carbs and crappy sugars…
so basically everything i eat a lot of.
why does that seem so hard?
It sounds fine to me. but when i start eating, i feel like i just go off the deep end. wtf.
so the night started off like this. making my daughter dinner last night. had the urge to eat some raw carrots.
sounded okay but i knew from past experience i was playing with fire. i never ever stop with one little thing like raw carrots. maybe i have once or twice but probably at least 50 times, i don’t stop with the first healthy snack. i almost always eat more. and unfortunately, usually it’s a LOT more.
then i ate a dole salad kit: light ceasar dressing and croutons.
did the croutons set me up for failure?
not totally fair to blame croutons because i set myself up way before by eating in the first place.
but croutons didn’t help.
from there i ate grapes, pineapple, and strawberries. still all under control. i should have stopped there. i did not.
i ate a whole box of cereal last night.
whole.
box.
of.
cereal.
who does that?
I hate myself when i do stuff like this. and i was sneaking it. but who am i fooling?
i’m not fooling my scale i’ll you that for sure.
i ate peanut butter m&ms.
i ate peanut butter straight from the single serve cup (thank god I just had one of those).
i ate a couple of fiber one brownies. those suck. why did i do it? i don’t even know why.
i ate a couple of yogurt tubes. those aren’t that great either.
i ate 2 pieces of wheat bread. i’m trying to think now if it was only 2 or if i went back for 2 more. i honestly cannot remember.
i’m also trying to remember if i ate anything else. i don’t think i did.
i’m going to put all of this in myfitnesspal and get back with you on how many calories my carrot idea cost me.
i said it was a small binge. yeah, small for me compared to what how bad i am sometimes. but it’s still a whole lot of calories.
i had AROUND 3000 calories. the total came to 2948…small binge? not that small. wtf. so ridiculous to eat that much and then say it’s not a lot.
next day after binge:
mind issues - cannot focus / concentrate
hate myself / guilt / shame
waste of $
diarrea
using the bathroom multiple times
gas
allergies more intense
sleep more than usual and don’t feel rested / hard to get up in the morning
spend at least a few hours up to a whole day trying to get over all of the problems caused from binging.
about 42 hours in. feeling pretty good. day 2 evening/night is usually pretty hard but i’m ready for all of the excuses that my animal brain is going to try to throw at me later.
and i’ve already decided my plan of attack:
- ignore the animal brain.
- put in my teeth whitening trays as soon as I get done with my daughter’s tkd class.
- get her dinner ready OR preferabbly, pawn this job off on my husband.
- while she’s eating, i can do the following:
go for a walk
walk the dog
do laundry
work on spirit wear stuff for pto
take shoes into repair place - cobblestone shoe repair
after she eats:
take her to the park
take her to the pool
go for a family walk
do her nails.
i’m going to stay on my fast today. i’m determined. i’m committed
i’m going to try to process some of what i’m going through here and now. stayed at my oldest friend’s family lakehouse with her family.
i think being with them brought back all of these feelings. i feel like i’ve been a carb addict since i knew them. they ate like small birds compared to me and my family. i often felt shame about eating so much more and definitely experienced those feelings this weekend.
terrible mom moments where i was talking to my friend about my 7 year old daughter’s sugar addiction. probably used the word addict. attaching shame to her probably. so fucked up. i am so glad the forum here doesn’t auto correct my use of the word fuck. my iphone does it and it really is so irritating. i believe i’m allowed to say fuck at will. i’m 42 years old and i’m struggling.
my friend in the fasting group says forgive myself. even just writing that brings tears to my eyes. i’m a human. yes, admittedly i am. feel like i need to be perfect when it comes to my parenting. business ownership. appearance. marriage maybe not as much even tho i personally think i’m a really good wife.
i just am feeling very much like a failure today. i am asking god to forgive me and asking god to heal me and my relationship with food and eating. it’s so fucked up. i’m crying out to jesus right now. he obviously knows my struggles and i totally make all of this eating / binging stuff an idol. and i know that in itself is a sin. so forgive me lord. and gluttony is a sin. so forgive me lord.
i’m just hiding everything on the inside. struggling silently. i don’t want anyone’s advice. i don’t anyone to say you’re a good mom. actually i do want that. i do want someone to say you’re a great mom. you’re an awesome biz person.
i’m so worried for my daughter. god she needs you too. i’m terrified when i thinik of her addictiveness. she’s me!!! that’s a wonderful thing in some ways but terrifying in many ways too. she nees your healing ointment slathered all over her. i do too.
i cant keep thinking about all of this negative stuff. all of these worries. all of this guilt. this is straight from satan. i rebuke satan and all of his tricks. i rebuke the devil in the name of jesus.
i release healing, strength, a sound mind, peace like a river. i release joy. the joy of the lord is my strength.
i have been wanting to go back to writing and performing comedy. it did make me happy when i was doing it more. going to do that now instead of writing out a list of all of my fears and explaining my guilty conscience in depth to literally no one. ha! that was a joke.