Liz’s fasting journal

Miramar · May 9, 2021, 1:29am

Sending healing energy and love to her now.

When I was only about in first grade I had a friend Jennifer Jones. I remember going to her house after school. We were both latch key kids. She showed me how to make rice crispy treats! Maybe you can teach the kids how to make their own snacks and just provide the goodies. Marshmellows can be done in the microwave nowadays. Prep some healthy stuff too. Like figs stuffed with creamcheese and you stick a walnut in there - yum. Or let them put some simple nachos together.

Maybe puppy can go in a closed bedroom with some food when people show up? Have a pow wow with your hubby and explain the new rules to him. And make sure he knows he needs to consult you when inviting people over because you may have to step out and do shopping or go play some bingo while they are visiting.

That’s not a hater. That’s totally acceptable IMO. I don’t always like people invading my space randomly. It’s common courtesy and your hubby should understand. If he doesn’t, might be time to change your religion.

Have you shared this with your husband? Maybe he’ll think twice before having them over again.

Go on youtube. All the answers are there.

I get hung over with starting my fasts. I can drink vodka like a fish - no hangover just a pleasant hazy feeling the next day. Cut all the food out and fast and I have a 2-3 day hangover.

If I get into my 4-5 day fasts I have to be mindful to stay on the low carb side of things.

The power is in you for you to save yourself. That’s what this whole journey of being a human in the 3d world is all about.

You’re not dumb. Just temporarily challenged - but you can figure it out with the help of my secret friend youtube

If you must go this route (I’m confident you don’t need to) I find bribes or gifts typically are very useful. Give them your snacks you won’t be needing when you are taking your walk during your daughters ballet.

I understand how bringing in sales takes a special person. I have a friend who has been in advertising (selling magazine space) ever since I’ve known her.

I lived in a cottage on Nantucket for a while and we had 2 beautiful hydrangeas growing out front. There’s some youtube videos on caring for those.

Find new ways to find a new kind of high. Release the past, file it as “wisdom” and get on with feeling good - without the m&m’s of course. Save those for special occasions.

Really? I couldn’t tell. lol

Stacia · May 9, 2021, 2:11am

Liz, I’m sorry the day has been crappy . We all have them … grrr… maybe this is not the right time to say this but I have just loved reading your posts … if you ever go away I’ll be like “what the f happened next… “ … you are an excellent writer and I can follow your train of thought perfectly … I hope your day gets better and I’m rooting for you everyday to stay off weed and quit sugar … both of them are Satan’s lie that it’ll make you feel better … just a big fat lie. You are awesome and keep being real … I love your posts and look forward to them …

Ps I love that saying “you’ve gone around this mountain long enough” … ain’t that the truth for me, with binging on crap food to deal with life

lizgistics · May 10, 2021, 3:12pm

lol! you crack me up. better mood today. have a lovely mother’s day where i did almost nothing which was what i wanted.

lizgistics · May 10, 2021, 3:13pm

thank you sooo much for saying that Stacia! I love writing! i want to be a writer and get paid for it.

lizgistics · May 10, 2021, 5:30pm

it’s monday! oh joy! oh bliss!

I’m actually happy it’s Monday because I’m fasting today. I’ve finally gotten to a point where I like fasting at least the first day after binging.

yes, binging. binging. i said it. binged friday, saturday, and sunday to level 10 which means stuffed. couldn’t eat anymore. actually i could have last night. i was a bottomless pit. but didn’t really have anything i wanted more of. i really wanted those damn peanut, peanut butter, or caramel M&M’s and didn’t have a good excuse to go to the store so i just ate raisin bran and yogurt and things that weren’t even good.

i say i’m glad i’m fasting but just mentioning M&M’s and i’m like mmmmm. that sounds delicious. maybe i’ll go get some and start right after i polish them off.

but NO! not going to do it.

was on the fasting accountability call yesterday. i told yas, the leader that she has my full permission and encouragement to please tell me a pussy if i eat in the next 4.5 days. and she can tell me i’m fat too. i said just say look here you fat pussy! grow up! stop whining. stop eating. you’re fasting.

i said THAT’S what i need is a reality check.

i didn’t get on the scale all weekend. i haven’t been on since Friday morning. and if i HAD gotten on it, i sure as shit wouldn’t be talking about breaking my fast. it’s probably up 8#. tomorrow, i’ll face reality and i’ll bet it will still be up at least 5# from where it was on Friday.

i’ll tell you what my toilet is getting a work out today! gross. too much information. one thing i did do this weekend was i cut up tons of raw veggies and ate a bunch of them each day. the intention was to fill up on non junk food to try to limit how much junk food my body could hold. i think i could be in the guiness book of world records (or at least be the subject of some type of scientific study) b/c of the volume of food that my body can hold. it seems impossible that i can just keep eating and eating.

i felt a little sick i think it was friday night. saturday and sunday i was fine. full yes but not to the point of misery all night.

i do sleep like crap when i go to bed after binging. i’m hot and my sleep quality isn’t nearly as good. yet another reason i’m glad to be fasting. just clean all of this crap out of my system.

my sister is still in the hospital. she’s having a cardiac cath today at 12:30 so hopefully they will just place stents and be done. i’m praying all goes well and that they don’t find that they need to do open heart surgery. that’s what happened to my dad when he had a cardiac cath when he was in his 50’s.

so get this - this is cool. i planted my 3 hydrangeas in the ground that were in pots. and i just went out and looked at them and they look so much better. the wilting is gone. like the flowers rejuvinated themselves and they look nice. i’m so happy. it’s the little things right? i was nervous because of how bad they looked and i was like well, i spend $100 on hydrangeas which is a lot in my book. and i was like well, just plant them and pray for the best. So on saturday i did that and i was secretly complaining because it was a lot of work since i’m so used to doing nothing.

i went to church with my husband and daughter yesterday. she always goes with me. mainly because i make her. i tell her well, we can go there and have your funeral or you can just go with me but either way you WILL go.

she doesn’t find that statement as funny as i do.

i go to a mega church. so like the pastor has no clue who i am. he’s got i think 6 churches and i don’t give them that much money, so yeah, makes sense. that’s one thing that you have to be okay with if you go to a church that has over 20,000 members - you just don’t know the pastor personally.

i’m okay with it. and it’s the tradeoff of going to a church like mine. i love so many things about it that it’s just something that i have to be okay with. but the particular campus i go to has a campus pastor. and i love him. like it’s probably bordering on a crush how much i love him. just found out yesterday that it was his last day with us and he’s moving to TX to help start a church for some other pastor.

i’m like what? and again, considering how much i love him, it’s probably a good thing. but i’m just so disappointed that he’s leaving. i’ve been going to this church for over 6 years and this is the first campus pastor we’ve had who i actually felt like cared about people in the congregation and got to know us.

it’s not a huge deal in the scheme of life, i’m just bummed out. who am i going to fantasize about leaving my husband for now?

bad joke. or is it a joke? again, good thing he left probably.

so today - no food. looking forward to it. not really but it’s for the best.

tomorrow - no food. BUT a little food. there’s a prospective customer i’ve been trying to get business from for over 2 years now. she and i are having lunch tomorrow. but i know where we are going and i’ve already decided i have to eat so as not to make her uncomfortable. but i’m getting a salad of lettuce and that’s it. just lettuce. i’m not counting it as breaking my fast. i’m already depressed at the concept of eating a lettuce salad.

but i have to keep my committments because otherwise, i will earn the name of fat pussy.

it is truly amazing to me of how quickly i can turn my mind around. my stomach is still physically hurting from all of the abuse endured since Friday night. and i’m still rolling around M&M’s in my head. fucking M&M’s. i don’t know why the obsession with them lately. i think it has something to do with the thin candy shell.

and the more i speak of said shell, the more i’m like how could one (family sized) bag of M&M’s REALLY harm anyone?

i’ve heard it said the devil is real and he’s a liar. i tend to agree. see statement above. that is CRAZY that i would be thinking of eating right now considering i’m fasting. i am telling myself “just get to the accountability call today.” stay busy. what can i do to stay busy?

there’s so much i could do. i don’t want to do any of it. my daughter’s swing set is looking damn tragic. it’s wooden and we bought some spray paint just to buy an extra year for it…even though this kid never uses it. unfortunately, unless she’s got an actual class with an activity or she has friends over who want to play - my kid has the same syndrome as me which is likes-to-sit-on-her-ass-a-titis.

i’ve always had it. it cracks me up now to think of growing up and my best friend would come over and beg me to play and i’d be like no, i’m watching TV. and that’s pretty much me now.

and no wonder i like to sit around and eat. something about sitting around a lot - eating goes right along with it. how sedentary and horrible for one’s health right?!?

my sister is in a freaking hosptial right now at age 44 and having heart problems because of excessive blockages in her arteries and i’m like mmmmm - M&M’s sound great right about now.

i thought again about getting high yesterday. it’s been a thing lately. i think because i have not done it for 69 days and i forgot how much it sucks. today will be day 70. i think i just want to be out of my mind and try to just escape all of the feelings.

i have to talk to my customer today about a huge bill he owes us and he’s not going to like it. i played phone tag with him on Friday afternoon and never got to talk to him. that’s unfortunate b/c i was in a GREAT mood on Friday and i am soooo good at dealing with shit like this when i’m happy. today, i’m not necessarily unhappy but i’m just not in that cheerful frame of mind where i could say “just pay the extra $2,000 and it’s over and we can all be friends.” today i’m like holy fuck - that’s a lot of money and of course he’s going to be fucking pissed at has every right to be.

stalling stalling stalling. i like to sit here and type away because it makes me feel like i’m accomplishing something that resembles work.

obviously, it is not work. but i think well there are a whopping 2 people that read this so i can’t disappoint them! even though i’ve already written enough today to appease them and honestly, i don’t think they even care if i write daily…i like to pretend that i write for others instead of just to pass time and not eat M&M’s.

if i ever start eating M&M’s WHILE i’m writing - then i’m really going to be in trouble. that would really fuck up this water fasting journaling concept.

i could do it too. don’t think for a moment i couldn’t.

but i won’t. this and the fasting accountability calls i will keep sacred and not eat whilst doing either.

i might be like george castanza on seinfeld. the episode where he’s eating pastrami sandwhiches during sex. i could be like that with M&M’s. the problem would be that i prefer M&M’s to sex. if sex had calories I’d never have it again. that’s actually one of the good things about fasting is at least i can have sex.

the husband gets lucky a lot more when i fast. i’m at a point where i don’t want to ever have sex anymore unless i’m fasting. i just feel gross and not interested in it.

Just got an email from the new owner at the company I sell for asking all of the salespeople to set up time to go over a whole bunch of things. sort of makes me nervous but it shouldn’t. he’s not asking for anything crazy. just weird for anything to be organized or uniform.

the whole thing still makes me uncomfortable but it’s getting maybe a little more palatable. the guy who does my operations for my biggest accounts told me on Friday, Liz, i’ve been here for 20 years. if i didn’t think this new owner was a good idea, i’d already be gone. then he said I’m excited about the direction the company is going.

that eased my mind a lot i think. this guy has never smiled or shown happiness about anything so all of the things he said i took as very positive.

the new owner isn’t new to the company. a long time ago when i first knew him he rubbed me the wrong way about something and since then i haven’t known how to take him. i don’t trust him is the main thing. hard to work for someone you don’t trust. but that was a long time ago and since then he did a major favor for me so i’m trying to remember the more recent thing and base my opinion on that and everything that happens going forward.

it’s hard to change your opinion of someone though. and greed is a very very real thing and i’ve seen it mess a lot of things up. i’m greedy so don’t get me wrong. i’m not above it. i just know there’s always a lot going on beneath the surface and behind the scenes so it’s just a general feeling of distrust i have towards just about everyone in business.

lizgistics · May 10, 2021, 5:31pm

just had a bathroom break AGAIN.

head hurts. stomach feeling a little hungry. made a big water bottle of lemon juice to suck on. keep reminding myself i’m fasting and it’s too fucking bad if i am “hungry” and “don’t like it.”

i’m getting on the scale tomorrow.

right now i have a choice: I can go get M&M’s and eat them. that sounds wonderful for the 20 minutes that occupies me or however long it takes me to eat them - depends on the size of the bag. the family sized one sounds perfect with how long i’m wanting the experience to last. however, doing that will get me back on the roller coaster for the remainder of the day.

I’ll eat 100% of whatever sized bag i get and then I’ll continue to keep eating all day because, after all, i have white cheddar cheese popcorners in my office as we speak. Damnnnnnnnnn - i’d forgotten about those until this very second. i think i have some in my car too but i might have eaten those already. i can’t keep track of all of my hidden binge food.

then after today’s fiasco, i can tell myself - i’m starting tomorrow, which, obviously, will be deja vu because i’ve done that literally 100’s of times minus the fact that Popcorners are a recent invention and probably will win the Nobel Peace Prize for its contributions to humanity.

OR I can do the insanely hard RIGHT and SMART thing which is to continue to fast today. Continue to go to the bathroom 15,000 more times today. Continue to have a headache today in my physical head. Does sugar withdrawl cause headaches? Surely that’s why i feel this way! Continue to exhaust myself mentally today from all of the internal conflicting emotional thoughts bouncing around inside of me today.

Continue to push my human brain today and keep telling my animal brain to please shut the fuck up. Or don’t shut the fuck up, because telling it to shut the fuck up doesn’t seem to be working AT ALL. thin candy shell. thin candy shell. chocolate center. peanut center. caramel center. peanut butter center. fucking center of my brain.

Continue to fight the good fight today and just keep telling myself and telling myself that no matter what - i’m not fucking eating today.

Then tomorrow when i wake up i will get on the scale and STILL be disappointed that I weigh so much but at least i’ll know for sure without a doubt that i weigh less than i would have if i’d kept eating all day today. I’ll FINALLY also get the experience of feeling good mentally because some of these demon thoughts will have worn off a bit. the M&M’s and their sexy thin candy shell will have maybe not completely ceased calling my name but will have at least abated.

just had to look up abated and i’m using it correctly. abated: “cause to become smaller or less intense.” and “lessen, reduce, or remove (espeically a nuisance).” and what a damn nuisance! it’s like Dennis the damn Menace lives in my head 24 hours a day. Dennis - please leave! No one likes you. God bless you though. get the fuck out!

I’ll get to feel good about myself tomorrow. and feel good about the fact that i fasted today even though it was really really fucking hard.

I literally just felt nauseated. maybe this food baby that i’m pregnant with caused the nausea? morning sickness induced by food baby. how pathetic is that?

i guess maybe i’ll eat some lovely salt grains for lunch. that’s always a pleasure. such a lovely lunch. a few grinds of the pink himalayean salt grinder. nothing makes you pissed like eating THAT and only that oh yeah and also a handful of supplements for all meals for several days in a row. sometimes i do wonder if it’s worth all of this suffering to be thin.

yeah, it is. we pick our hard right? it really really sucks to be overweight. i’m not even thin now but if i was 20 pounds heavier i’d be 20 pounds more miserable than i am now and so yeah, not going to be a fat pussy today and give in to thin candy shells that actually have the oppositive effect of giving me a thick body shell.

how can those little candies be so calorie-laden? they seem so innocuous with their bright colors and tiny size.

i am wishing right now that my husband didn’t work from home. if he wasn’t here, i’d legit being laying in bed right now. either reading or masturbating. both sound lovely. alternating between the two most likely.

but because he’s here, i feel like i can’t lay in bed and not feel guilty. i need a couch in my office. and some blinds. he can look out the kitchen and see into my office. it’s a sun room. way too sunny right now if you ask me. i suppose that’s the point of a sun room - to be full of light and sun. but i swear to you on all that is holy that i am freaking HUNG THE FUCK OVER right now from raisin bran, steak, baked potato, raw vegetables, fiber one brownie, m&m ice cream cones (not as good as just regular m&m’s - decpetive), white cheddar popcorn (not the popcorners - i WISH i’d had the balls to open those yesterday instead of eating the stuff my husband makes - god bless him - he loves popping his own popcorn but it’s not that great - he likes it but i prefer the Popcorners - gosh darnit i’ve got to stop talking about food!).

okay - having my salt lunch. and a couple of advil. praying this helps. STOP FUCKING TALKING ABOUT FOOD YOU GUYS. that’s my human brain telling the animals in my head what fucking asshole jerks they are being. it’s like living in a prison full of raving lunatics. how’s your brain???

lizgistics · May 10, 2021, 5:29pm

Stacia - it’s ALWAYS the right time to compliment me!

I’m a compliment whore.

I live on single compliments for years.

a year ago, my husband wrote in a card something along the lines of “Liz, this family runs so well because of all you do and I couldn’t begin to say thank you for all of the things you do for us all the time.”

I’m living on that one since last year.

about 3 years ago, the guy who just bought the company I sell for said something along the lines of “Liz, I have more respect for you than any other person at this company. You’re one of us.”

I’m living on that one for over 3 years.

So any time you want to give me a compliment, i will eat it up. I will apparently eat up anything or so my checking account and scale says…but especially love compliments, as they are calorie free

Miramar · May 11, 2021, 10:28am

You shouldn’t call yourself names like that. Words are powerful.

I get it. I was raised with very stern words, and the belt was used.

I think I need to get all sunshine rainbows unicorns and butterflies on you for a bit. lol

Try an experiment. Instead of beating yourself up or using negative words about yourself to motivate to fast, try on maybe things like “Liz, you are an amazing being in a body and you control what goes into it.”

If you only knew the evil that evacuated me the 1st 7 days of the fast I’m currently on. Seriously, 10 lbs lost in the first 2 days. but I’m ok with that. I’m a true foodie and need to taste everything new and really enjoy my food. If something doesn’t taste appealing I’ll push it aside.

You. You would leave your husband for YOU. But I’m not going to tell you to leave our husband.

But it’s not just one family sized bag, is it? How many do you think you have a week?

It certainly can feel like work sometimes. It does take effort to fire and wire new circuits in the brain.

I am three. Me, myself, and I. So your numbers area wayyyyy off.

You can feel good about yourself everyday. Why wouldn’t you?

Yes, that’s the sympathy Yas pregnancy. I caught that too.

Thin is not the real end goal. Thin is only a mere side effect of what you are training your mind and body for.

Don’t be afraid to sit alone with yourself and jump into the rabbit hote.

lizgistics · May 11, 2021, 5:45pm

thanks. you’re right on all fronts. i am way too hard on myself. if i treated others the way i treat myself i would have no friends

lizgistics · May 11, 2021, 7:58pm

so can you believe THIS? I ate last night at 10pm. got the kid in bed. i had gone on so many walks yesterday: combined 2 hours! i’d made a LONG list of reasons (minus weight loss) that I am fasting. i’ll post that if i think about it.

husband was on the treadmill. the eating started off with raw veggies. that’s like soup i told myself. soup isn’t breaking a fast. ha!

should have never even done THAT. i just kept going back for more. i snuck downstairs after my husband went to bed and ate even more. we are talking level 9 which is started binging and stopped myself. so damn it - but at least it was not level 10 binge.

i threw out the binge item today - popcorners. if i’d have had some M&M’s i’d have demolished them.

so now today i’m tired. i’m going through the dang carb detox again.

so not worth it. especially considering it was already 10 pm and i could have been asleep soon and felt awesome about myself in the morning.

i literally woke up this morning and in my head before i was even fully awake i was telling myself what a loser i was.

i got on the scale. turns out, i’m NOT a loser. i’m a gainer. 145.8. which is actually exactly what i expected plus 0.8.

then i heard myself. i was like “don’t say that about yourself. you had one slip.”

i didn’t tell myself i was a great human. i just realized that. i was just like “quit calling yourself a loser and beating yourself up.”

i considered keeping it my little secret but i knew that would only hurt me.

I confessed to the accountability group on a video message. on tuesdays we don’t have a zoom call. just the video check ins. everyone, as always, was very supportive.

I needed that today. support.

i saw a therapist a few months ago and that was her take on me after our first and only meeting. i wasn’t feeling supported.

yes i have tried talking to husband about it. he’s always here. he’s just not into feelings.

i honestly think that he’s got a thousand and one issues with childhood and being physically abused by his babysitter at one year old, poor thing. and then growing up with the biggest asshole stepdad who…i can’t even explain him. he’s a dick. not my husband! He’s sweet. his stepdad is a dick. god bless him. he really needs prayer.

God i pray for him right now.

and all my readers too. Praying for all y’all wonderful intelligent folks. thank you for reading by the way. it helps me to envision someone reading my erratic ramblings and getting SOMETHING out of all of this.

someone else in the group confessed to eating when she was fasting. she said it was lots of bad choices. that made me feel better.

we all get so down on ourselves about breaking our fasts.

one lady pointed out that i actually HAD fasted for 24 hours which is true. that made me feel better too.

i started writing down other positives. clean 70 days as of yesterday - 10 weeks! that’s a long time for me.

I stopped the binge at level 9. I’ve been eating to a level 10 here lately. that’s progress for me to stop before 10. i never used to even KNOW about level 9.

i had JUST started going down that self harm eating. Eating as punishment / abuse to myself. and so I stopped right when i realized i really didn’t even want to keep eating.

in fact, i didn’t know why I’d ripped open the 2nd - yes i said it - 2nd bag of popcorners.

i’m not talking the snack bags. i’m talking the regular sized bags with 7 servings per bag.

I could feel myself not even wanting to eat them. yet i still ripped that bag open. Voraciously ripped it! if someone in my family opened a bag of snacks like that, i’d be like what? now this can’t be closed. Huff huff.

I’m trying to figure out what the heck was going on in my mind that causes me to keep eating when i really don’t even want to?

i just eat b/c i “can”. because when i’m in a binge, i’ve given myself permission to binge.

so NOW i’m going to KEEP binging even though i really don’t even want to.

that sounds messed up, but sometimes, i’m realizing that i keep eating as punishment for binging which is really just ridiculous. it’s the straight up DEVIL.

here’s me and the devil fighting:

DEVIL: you wanted to binge?
ME: yes.
DEVIL: here you go. keep eating. what’s wrong with you?
ME: I don’t know.
DEVIL: keep eating. no wonder you’re fat and can’t keep weight off. are you full yet? fatty.
ME: i am full.
DEVIL: oh well. just keep eating.
ME: but i don’t want to keep eating.
DEVIL: now you don’t want to eat anymore?
ME: no.
DEVIL: too bad. keep eating.
ME: i really don’t want to keep eating.
DEVIL: i really don’t care. too bad. so sad. this is what you wanted so eat. pig. eat. that’s right…keep eating.
ME: yes i admit i wanted to eat but i’m full. i’m going to feel like crap tomorrow. i already feel like crap. i don’t want to eat anymore.
DEVIL: too bad. keep eating. you’re getting what you wanted.
ME: what if i don’t want this anymore?
DEVIL: keep eating.
ME: i’ve had enough.
DEVIL: keep eating.
ME: I’ve had way more than enough.
DEVIL: keep eating.
ME: but i’m so full.
DEVIL: keep eating. keep eating keep eating…

…until…

My body can’t hold anymore and i am so stuffed that all i can think about now at this point is how stuffed i am.

how disgusting and awful i am.

what an idiot i am.

i wonder what kind of brain damage do i have that i do this to myself?

i have this image of someone else holding my head, or my face i guess to be more accurate. and slamming my face into a toilet. and i’m crying in the vision.

and i’m pleading with the one holding my face because it’s starting to bleed and it hurts a lot. and the more i cry the harder my head is getting slammed. the more i’m getting screamed at. cursed at.

This is the tape that plays (warning - this is really how I talk to myself…I know it’s very unhealthy. Just giving you a GLIMPSE of what i’m going through for the last 30 years…):

shut up you baby!

you deserve this b/c you’re ugly.

you’re stupid for doing this to yourself.

you’re STILL fat even though you lost weight.

those thunder thighs! that cellulite! that ass! all still gross and huge. 140’s? you need to get into the 120’s.

so you need to lose more and you go and do THIS!

you don’t deserve anything good in life.

you are a shitty mom.

you’re a shitty wife.

no wonder you’re getting your face slammed into a toilet.

that’s what you deserve.

WHY?

b/c you’re a piece of shit.

I know i am…i know i am…i know i am…please stop. i can’t take it anymore.

and i’m crying as I’m typing it out now.

i didn’t want to go down this rabbit hole because…

is it helpful?

that’s what i don’t know.

i’m crying these big tear drops.

why?

b/c i do feel sad and sorry that I have to own that i’m the one holding my own face.

i’m the one slamming it into the toilet.

screaming at myself.

berating myself.

then doing it louder and harder b/c the WEAKLING in myself is crying that it hurts. begging for relief.

Begging? how weak is that?

evil liz.

it’s not EVEN me though.

I don’t think i’m inherently evil.

it’s me but the devil is the one putting these horrible thoughts in my head.

I rebuke that in the name of Jesus!

Now that i’m writing all of this out, I’m feeling compassion for myself.

like i’m seeing that I’m beating myself up for making a choice that ALREADY is beating me up on every single level: mentally, emotionaly, physically, spiritually, financially.

God doesn’t want his child abusing herself.

i’d be so sad if my daughter would hurt herself on purpose.

she sometimes will jokingly slap herself in the face b/c her one friend at school does it and my daughter thinks it’s funny.

I say don’t ever hit yourself!

i die a little inside when i see her do THAT!

heck, it hurts me when she gets hurt on accident.

so now what?

i am not going to be angry at myself anymore.

i’m going to give myself a break.

you’re forgiven liz.

i absolve you in the name of the father, and of the son, and of the holy spirit.
AMEN.

i haven’t really worked today.

i’m beating myself up about that.

You’re forgiven liz.

I look like crap. I took a shower and then didn’t even put any product in my hair.

i didn’t put on my face cream yesterday or today.

i’m sure my face is all puffy from crying.

you’re forgiven liz.

i didn’t put on deoderant right away and now my armpits stink. i even washed them with soap in the sink and put on deoderant and they STILL stink.

you’re forgiven liz.

i put on these yoga pants and a t-shirt i got for free and a Northface jacket that my mom gave me that was her sister-in-law’s and is at least 10 years old.

you’re forgiven liz.

i’m wearing crocs.

you’re forgiven liz.

they are not even REAL crocs.

you’re forgiven liz.

they are fake crocs. FROCS.

you’re forgiven liz.

they are bright pink and have paint on them.

you’re forgiven liz.

this is my mind.

every.

damn.

day.

minus the “you’re forgiven liz.”

i’m just now adding that part today.

no wonder i’m binging so much. i’m being abused in my mind all day!

again - i really do rebuke that negative self talk in the name of Jesus!

i need to start adding the “you’re forgiven liz” part every minute of every day.

I am rightous because of Jesus Christ!

GRACE.

i need grace for myself. i need God to help me remember who i am. i am a queen. i’m a daughter of the most high God. Jesus Christ is my brother.

it’s not helpful to talk to myself the way i have been. obviously it’s not a christian way to treat someone.

and i don’t deserve it.

i really AM improving with binge eating. it’s slowly getting better. i didn’t even REALIZE i was doing that to myself until yas said it a couple of weeks ago.

and until now, i didn’t really understand what the dialogue exchange was.

I had no idea the EXTENT to which i was doing it to myself.

like angrily forcing myself to eat.

i feel like the damn is breaking right now.

like i’ve been trying and trying to keep it together and perform perfectly for the world and so that if i perform well enough - i can feel good about myself.

and now all of this stuff i’ve been holding in with all of this self loathing about being weak and fat and ugly and a bad mom and a bad wife and a bad child and a bad sister and a bad christian and a bad friend and a bad employee (of the company i flipping OWN!) and a bad PTO member and a bad dog mom and a bad independant contractor to the company i sell for and a bad salesperson and a bad dresser and a bad hair stylist and a bad neighbor…

it’s all coming crashing down on me.

and i’m can feel the true me…the Holy Spirit inside of me - thank you lord that I’m a Christian…

He’s like:
you’re NOT bad. you’re not going to perform perfectly. But you are loved by God. you are loved by Jesus. You are loved by others. You can love yourself. I’m going to help you.

and now i’m asking God to help me be okay with not being perfect. help me like myself and love myself. in Jesus’ name

second kleenex…

i have a lot of great qualities.

but none of THAT even matters either.

what honestly matters is that you’re human.

the world can be mean and hard and hateful.

but I don’t have to be that way towards myself.

and i don’t want to be that way.

not anymore.

put the moisturizer on.

started some water for some broth. forgot about it because of this cathartic crying and writing.

okay i’ll see ya’ll later. i am spent. i need to go buy Kleenexes.

Miramar · May 11, 2021, 8:27pm

No brain damage. Nothing you can’t fix. It’s reprogramming and rewiring your brain. Takes practice. Takes time.

You have the start. It’s recognizing when those negative thoughts try creeping in. Put a stop to them immediately. As soon as you realize. And replace the thought with something more positive. Raise your own vibration. Think of something you are grateful for.

Stacia · May 12, 2021, 1:39am

the part about the head being slammed into the toilet and the bad man yellling that you’re a loser and not worthy. Omg, I’ve never been abused but had this horrible saddness come over me like some people have been abused like that !!! … I had this moment of understanding why they don’t believe it when people really do love them and want the best for them … I realized how fortunate and blessed those of us that have never been physically or verbally abused are. Why do I binge eat and hurt myself that way? This was powerful and so raw and moving … they say most people with eating disorders have been abused (physically, mentally, sexually)… if I was I don’t remember but damn there is ugly in the world. Liz, give yourself and your daughter and husband a hug … they love you so much and you are right, no one deserves any of that … Satan’s lies again …

lizgistics · May 12, 2021, 2:12am

yes, thank you. i need to look into vibrations. my friend talks about all that stuff and i’m like huh?

lizgistics · May 12, 2021, 2:20am

thanks. i wasn’t abused like that. i was having this vision today of how horribly i treat myself. sorry if i made you think i was treated that way!!!

now i feel kind of bad if i implied that! it was a very clear vision though. i have no idea where it came from. it’s just what i saw and i felt like “this is what you are doing to yourself. just not physically.”

that’s just how i feel inside. like that’s how i treat myself. the more i hurt over it…the more I feel weak for being like this…the meaner and more hateful i am towards myself.

i was abused sexually at age 4-5. so sick.
nowadays people talk about this stuff.
my mom kicks herself for not realizing it based on some things that went on.
it wasn’t my dad! oh my gosh please don’t even think that.
i am pretty sure I blocked most of it out.
my sister abused by same person and remembers it happening a lot more.
.

but it fucked me up ROYALLY. and now i hate myself and haven’t been able to move past it. and i’m 42. like come the fuck on. let’s get over this bullshit

Stacia · May 12, 2021, 2:43am

I didn’t think anyone did that to you (the head banging thing)… I was as just envisioning that someone out there went through that kind of thing …

Sorry that happened to you Liz with the other thing, I know so many people it happened to too …could of been me too and I just don’t remember it… it’s the ugly part of life for sure … that guy will need to account for that one day but definitely do all you can to not let that assh*le take one more ounce of your joy and blessings … Jesus is with you all day everyday and would never want any of us to continue to feel pain … hugs sister …

lizgistics · May 12, 2021, 8:17pm

Thank you! Okay good. I can’t even recount stories to you that I’ve heard within my family of physical abuse that my grandpa endured. He ran away from home and never came back when he was 15. a kid with no money during the Great Depression.

Stacia · May 12, 2021, 8:29pm

It’s crazy the stories people have endured … … the girl I get my hair straightened from had to leave her home in the middle of the night with her 1 year old son in Cambodia … long story short made it to a boat all the way to America with people that didn’t speak her language … barely any food or water and to this day dosnt know what happened to her parents … puts my life on perspective for sure …

lizgistics · May 12, 2021, 8:31pm

made it through the day yesterday and stayed on my fast. woo hoo! it was tough. I used every single tool at my disposal to get through it.

starting with quitting feeling like i have to be so perfect all of the time. I decided i’m NOT a bad mom for waiting in the parking lot at the dance studio and watching a documentary on netflix instead of watching her and being bored out of my mind through Zoom. In person, i’d enjoy watching her. through zoom - not enjoyable.

i know she likes me to watch her. but i’m taking her to two classes at this dance studio now. She has a one hour break between the two classes where we run home, change into gymnastics clothes, she eats dinner, then i run her back to the studio and sit in the parking lot for another hour.

that took some pressure off me. i can’t believe how much pressure i was putting on myself to watch her. it’s silly really. the standards i set for myself. i can SEE how many people are watching on zoom. sometimes i’d be the only one!!!

fasting again today. I’m fasting with intention today. something i read about.

this is from the article:
it’s also healthy to fast with the expectation of receiving a specific answer. This does two things for us:

It causes us to focus on the reward we seek not our hunger.
It allows us to see God’s faithfulness when the answer comes.

A terrible way to fast is to have no reward ahead of you but the food you will eat when the fast is finished.

i was like cool. so today i’m fasting to get a meeting with Jeff soon. i need to get a meeting with Jeff to get a huge account that i’ve been faithfully working on for over 2 years.

anytime i want to eat today. i’m going to tell myself nope. i’m fasting to get my meeting with Jeff and it’s happening SOON. I’ve been told by a guy at this company i’m trying to get that once i have the meeting, i’ll have the account.

Stacia · May 12, 2021, 10:40pm

I love that … fasting to get a specific answer … geez that does change the perspective dosnt it??

lizgistics · May 13, 2021, 10:25pm

yes, it totally helped yesterday! fasting to get a reward saved me yesterday!!! i woke up today. scale encounter positive = 139.2!!!

that’s been my goal is to see 130-something every week.

and coincidentally i ate today. planned OMAD. my sister’s birthday lunch. we went to a mexcian place so she plowed through chips and salsa. i was okay b/c i was at 2.5 days of fasting and just waited to even touch one til when my food came.

the food was good. i didn’t go crazy on the chips at all. i totally could have. but waiting really helped b/c they weren’t all warm and brand new fresh when i had some so i’d guess i had less than 10 which is huge for me.

i did eat every single bite on my plate and i don’t care who knows about it. i could have DEFINITELY eaten more today. in fact, i did consider stopping at the gas station on the way home for some M&M’s. but i thought about it. i said, i’m really kinda full. these m&m’s are going to make me want to eat more probably so i could just STOP. and just for TODAY - NOT eat sugar.

or more sugar maybe b/c there was probably some added to my food at the restaurant.

so then i felt good about my decision.

as it gets later, i’m TOTALLY considdering eating.

BUT i’d told myself at lunch the reason i’m fasting for the NEXT 22 hours (starting the minute my lunch was done) - is for my 2 stepsisters and brother in law to get baptized.

i didn’t realize the sister i had lunch with hadn’t been baptized. i was shocked. i knew HER sister wasn’t but i had assumed she got baptized when she got married for her husband’s family. Turns out my borther in law is also unbaptized!!!

What is going on with these heathens? lol

totally joking. i guess it is foreign to me. i grew up in a catholic school. we lived down the street. we knew everyone. that was all of my friends until high school. and i’m still friends with some of those classmates today.

my parents were pretty religious. we went to church every week. my dad REALLY has a huge heart for God. That might be the best thing he taught me with his actions.

i’m very grateful to have God and Jesus in my life. i’ll tell you what - i don’t know how anyone can do life without him. one of the ladies in my fasting group also told me she’s an atheist. So i’ve got my fasting work cut out for me.

i’ll rant more on that another time. i feel like i’m coming off as judgemental. but i don’t mean it that way. i guess i’m more just trying to evangelize to them and tell them about real power that is available to us for the asking!

if you don’t believe - try praying. see what happens. if it’s not real then you will prove your theory right. but i believe. faith is the evidence of things unseen. if we all could SEE god, we wouldn’t need any faith.

my husband has a hard time with all of the God stuff too.

i don’t know why people think it would be a sign of weakness to believe in God.

i guess i do understand it to some extent. i used to never tell anyone about any of this stuff. i never would say “i’m praying for you.”

i’ll tell you what - a lot of people LOVE to hear that if you say it sincerely, which i always am when i say it. they are like oh, okay…thanks!

or they say “yes, please do!”

i’m 42. i’m over what anyone thinks of me for the most part.

I’ve always been a little different. i do my thang. i like making people laugh. i might be uncomfortable sometimes when i act like myself because it’s vulnerable. but i’ve found THAT’s what draws people to me is just being real.

i don’t THINK i overshare.

or if i do, i don’t think it usually hurts me.

i’m just seeing how we are all SOOOOOOOOOOO alike.

women especially.

my friend said something the other day to me about how i write honestly and i said “natalie! i’m EVERY WOMAN!” like the whitney houston song says.
i am every mother in america who is early 40’s that’s living in the middle-class american suburbs.

that’s how i easily get laughs when i talk to people. i just say what I think is funny even if it’s slightly inappropriate - the inappropriateness is why it’s funny!

i’m blessed with humor too. got that from my dad too.

i’m blessed with a good smile. i smile a lot. that is key to success. people need to smile. i’ve been trying to make this a habit: anyone who comes within 10 feet of me - i smile and say hi.

it’s nice. the world doesn’t have to be such a festering asshole. it can be nice. it can be good.

i write cards and send them to people. my goal is 5 per week and i surpass that.

people i send them to will message me or tell me: i cried when i read your card.

and there’s usually not any money in the cards so it’s not like they are crying b/c i’m cheap lol.

i’m trying to do all of the little things in life that help someone and simultaneously make me happy.

i give people flowers.

i LOVE arranging flowers and making different bouquets out of flowers i get at walmart or sams. that’s one of my favorite hobbies.

then i put them all over my house. then i give a lot of them away to neighbors or my daughter’s school. WOMEN LOVE FLOWERS! i don’t care who you are - women love getting flowers especially as a surprise.

sometimes i am like “but God - i don’t want to give this jar of flowers away…i’m almost out of vases and jars.”

then i remember - god will provide.

then someone will give me a new vase or a clean cute jar i can use for bouquets out of the blue and i’m like thanks god. my friends and i call that God winks. When you know he’s answering your prayers. he sees what we do and he loves us for trying. and actually he loves us even when we don’t try.

we can make a difference. we can brighten someone’s day…

i try to live every day to make someone’s life better. i try to be a bit of sunshine in someone’s life. i know that is an ENORMOUS gift from God that i’m able to do that.

the things i’m good at seem effortless to me. sometimes i get a big head and think “wow! i’m really an awesome person.” and that’s true, God does want me to think highly of myself.

but god doesn’t want me to think i’m better than someone else. he doesn’t want me to think i’m good at this thing and that person isn’t so i’m better than that person. i’m thinner than her so that makes me better. i have a better career than her so that makes me better.

i think lots of moms do this one: my kid excels at this so i’m better than that mom - my kid is better than her kid.

god doesn’t want that at all. i am trying to stop being so judgmental. i know that all comes from insecurity.

we haven’t walked in anyone’s shoes. we don’t know what the homeless lady begging at the stoplight is going through. god - help me always stop and at least give everyone a smile. give anything i have to anyone in need.

AND this is something i need to work on too - don’t tell anyone what you did. you gave the homeless lady $5? keep it to yourself liz. no bragging about what you are giving. people like to do that too and i’m guilty.

TODAY i gave the waitress a $20 tip on a $22 tab. cheap lunch specials and i saw her at the bar and said can you be my waitress? and she did because there were NO servers hardly. my sister had to go back to work! i normally wouldn’t have minded.

anyway - long story long - i told my sister i did that. why did i feel the need to tell her the tip??? to brag. to be a big shot. the Bible says when we give, we should not tell the right hand what the left hand is doing.

if you tell people you did something - that’s your reward. but doing things and not telling anyone - that’s what God rewards.

so sorry God. again. i’m such a human. but man do i love HIM! i love him so much. and i’m so glad he loves me. and i’m thankful i do my best to obey him.

life is exciting when we are working for god.

i was in a ton of fear last night about my job. texting my 2 christian friends the PPW (princess prayer warriors)…

all these details…all these worries…what if this domino falls, then THIS one will fall, then MAYBE that one will fall…it was total speculation too. nothing i was worried about has happened yet.

i started getting in more fear when the one lady was asking for details to try to understand.

then at the same time we texted each other this main idea:

stop putting your trust in people. we just need to trust GOD. he’s the source. not this company i sell for. Trust God. Trust his plan. he knew that the company i sell for was going to be purchased by someone else. this isn’t a surprise. let it all unfold. even if there’s been a weapon formed (which, ultimately was my fear)…it WILL NOT prosper. god says that in his word.

my enemies will become my footstools. bible says that too. and i’ve actually seen that happen in my career. people who originally were against me are now working under me.

i’m not on a high horse about it either. they get paid. i’m just saying, god has been my vindicator and he’s shown up for me every single time.

he’s never let me down. he’s never lost a battle. and he won’t start now.

i’m a faithful servant to god. i tithe my income.

he HAS to do what he’s promised for me. it’s a contract. i’m in the family of the most high God. he is Jehovah Jireh - the LORD WILL PROVIDE - is the meaning.

i get so incredibly fearful sometimes. like my anxiety last night was almost overwhelming.

i couldn’t enjoy hanging out with my family. all i could do was pace around and fret.

why? it’s not needed.

i say it’s the devil. so today i started getting in some fear again. i realized the DEVIL is telling me all these lies.

Examples of the lies: be afraid. be very afraid. this whole thing is going to blow up in your face. they are going to steal all of your clients. you’ll be left with nothing. you’re going to have to go back to a regular job at an office punching a clock and answering to a boss. you’re in big trouble! you’d better worry and plot and plan and strategize and project all of the “what-ifs” you possibly can so that you can be ready IF any of these things actually happen.

as my husband pointed out last night - he said i think you are reading waaaaay too much into all of this.

liz they want to keep you. they aren’t going to try to screw you over. you bring in $1 million plus in revenue a year. they aren’t trying to steal your customers. they are trying to meet your customers to ease the customers since there is a new owner.

printed off some good scriptures about trusting God. i actually gave them to my sister too. she’s in fear about her job situation. again - we are all so alike!!!

I felt much better after reading them.

anyway, thinking of food again. then i’m like connie! lilly! seth! i need to fast for them. i just have to get through tonight. i have 17 hours left. i can do this. i can do this. i can do this. i feel like i’m coaching myself in a MMA fight sometimes.

like COME ON LIZ! YOU CAN DO THIS! YOU ARE STRONG! YOU ARE POWERFUL! YOU CAN DO ANYTHING YOU DECIDE YOU HAVE 100% CONTROL OVER NOT EATING AGAIN UNTIL TOMORROW. YOU can do all things through christ who strengthens you!!!

night night. doing it for connie, lilly and seth tonight. staying on. keep on trucking ya’ll. long post. whew my fingers are tired.