it has been very hard not to eat today. i keep eating salt and acting like it tastes good. i keep drinking lacroixs like they are going to be outlawed tomorrow.
just picked up my daughter from school. in about an hour i’ll have to make her get ready for ballet then i should be sort of okay since i have to sit in my car in the parking lot during their practice.
i had to go to the grocery store today to get my husband lunch meat. he is the pickiest person! like he wouldn’t have survived in my house growing up. we got the cheap brand bologna. he has to have deli meat. and not just any deli meat. not the walmart deli. that’s no good. not even the local grocery store deli meat brand. he’s got to have the Boar’s Head name brand that’s at least $11/pound.
it’s so annoying b/c i have to make a special trip to the store for him. he says i don’t have to, but he doesn’t mean it.
i was in that grocery store and seeing all of the food everywhere i turned was almost making me feel dizzy. not eating really sucks. but so does being overweight. i guess i’m choosing not eating.
i keep reading all of this stuff online about binging and how bad is it really? and how much fat can you gain really?
i’m cracking up at all of the advice. all of these articles are like “don’t fast after binging, whatever you do! don’t fast!” like why the hell not? becuase it’s hard? because it sucks?
it seems as if their reasoning is something along the lines of fasting leads to binging.
But in my world, sadly, eating leads to binging. doesn’t matter if i’ve been fasting or not. eating makes me want to eat more. and more. and more. and binge. so experts - figure that shit out!
if i eat way too much, i think THE BEST thing i can do for myself is to fast. not really as punishment but as damage control. i think of all the weight i’ve lost over the years and all the times i’ve binged and not fasted afterwards and gained it ALL back. where, if i’d just fasted after those binges, i’d not have had all of those weight gains.
I hate all of the negativity surrounding fasting. like we are terrified as a society to miss a meal. and to miss a day’s worth of meals! oh my gosh - you might need to go the emergency room - it’s that dangerous. it’s such a joke. it actually really pisses me off that i was misled for so long by all of these so-called health experts.
they teach you that you need to eat a certain way to lose weight. it’s bogus. you need to NOT EAT. hello! eating doth not lead to weight loss.
CEASING TO EAT! that actually makes sense if your goal is fat loss.
they tell you it slows your metabolism. FALSE! it actually speeds it up. i read that recently that it speeds up by 10% when you are fasting. how incredible is that?
they tell you your body will eat your muscle first. FALSE. why would your body eat muscle that it needs for survival when it has so much excess fat? it wouldn’t! we wouldn’t have survived as a species if this were the case!
jason fung is my guru. he’s the only person who has a CLUE what is going on. i love him. i feel like i owe him! so grateful to have found him and the logic and reason and evidence he’s taught me to the contrary of all of the touted wisdom of the health community.
fasting is the most natural thing in the world for humans to do. the really sad part is how afraid of it people are. i don’t even tell anyone. i just lie. i’m not saying that is the right way to handle things. but i don’t have the energy to defend myself about it. and it’s always a fat person telling me how unhealthy i am too. i have one thin friend who says fasting for a day or more is unhealthy. and she barely eats. so that to me is weird. but i am not going to call her out on her bird seed in hopes that she won’t tell me how i’m doing myself harm for not eating.
why can’t anyone mind their own business? my husband talks about how fat his mom is and how she’s going to die. i am such an asshole for doing this but i’m like honey i love you but here’s a mirror. look in it! YOU should focus on yourself and your own weight.
i don’t say this to his face but it’s true. he’s obese. not super duper. but definitley scoring out of the “overweight” range. if he lost 10#, he’d be just overweight. i mean seriously?!? can you please stop talking about how big other people are?!? he must be in denial or something.
i’m amazed at how many times a day he tells me he’s hungry. at least a few times a day. and the urgency he uses it with indicates he’d better eat sooner than later.
today he really pissed me off. in one room, i was smelling bacon. okay that’s fine. have some bacon porky.
and in another room, i was smelling marijuana.
the bacon - okay whatever. he thinks he needs to eat 3 times a day.
then throw the weed smell in and i was fucking PISSED. i didn’t say anything though. why bother? he’ll just acuse me of being hangry. and yes, i’ll admit i was hangry.
i’m hangry that i married such a person. that’s how i was feeling earlier.
if it weren’t for my religious views, i’d probably be divorced.
maybe not though. i’ve seen lots of people go through divorces and the grass is rarely greener. but sometimes…SOMETIMES i think the grass would be greener if i were not married. just single. single sounds lovely. no one to answer to. no one to explain my spending to. no one to be tempted daily to drink and get high. no one to give me a hard time when i want to fast. no one to answer to!!!
he wants me to go with him to our friend’s property for 4th of july. and here’s what he says “would you want to go to so and so’s property for 4th of july.” immediately i responded “no.” he’s like what? why not? i said for a PLETHORA of reasons. i proceeded to state my reasons. he’s like you’re being a priss / a snob , etc. i said i’m snobby for not wanting to have swarms of flies circling me inside of the kitchen where food is being prepared? i’m a snob for not wanting to hang out with people who get so drunk they can’t see straight? I’m a snob for not wanting to be around a man who got in my bed one night when i was naked while i was married? yeah, i’m a REAL asshole. agree. it’s so frustrating being with someone who wants life when he’s not working to be a giant fraternity party complete with attempted date rape.
this family has 3 kids and the thing is and the ONLY reason i would consider it is so my daughter could run around the property with the kids. she does love it and has a blast.
i suggested we take 2 cars, as it’s literally only an hour away. i said you go friday after work with our kid and stay til sunday. i’ll come on Saturday and stay the day and until after the fireworks and then i’ll go home. perfect. i’m down with that. that’s when i was called a snob and a priss.
he really really doesn’t get it. me and the wife of this guy had words years ago. she’s a bitch. she’s not nice. i’m not either but i get along well with everyone’s wives minus her. everytime i’m around her i feel like her contempt for me is washing over me. and then i find myself trying to extra likable since i get the feeling she doesn’t like me. so i basically kiss her ass and her ass doesn’t deserve to be kissed. but i feel like i have to in order to keep the peace.
i don’t know why my husband can’t just let me come for one long day and let it go! i’m going to push for that. it’s just not my thing to sit around a dirty farm and hang out while kids play and adults drink and smoke weed. it’s not fun. okay they have a 4 wheeler. so? yes, those are fun to play on for an hour but there are 24 hours in a day and he’s wanting me to go hang out with these people and stay 2 nights: Friday, saturday, and Sunday. holy shit! i just realized he’s wanting me to stay 3 nights. how fucking horrible! i mean come on, that’s punishment.
i am praying someone invites us somewhere else that weekend. it’s going to be a fight with my husband otherwise. and knowing me, i’ll argue until i just give in and agree that i’m the selfish asshole in this relationship b/c that’s where all of this shit always leads. goddamn i am so negative right now. husband if you are reading this - i love you. please stop drinking and being a a pothead. i can deal with the eating too much and persistantly smelling like bacon.
Your loving wife,
Liz
today is last day of eating. i’ve been fantasizing about different foods all morning all ready. it’s pretty ridiculous really
