No, I don’t mention the fasting. I know how weird I am and am trying not to draw attention to it. But then again, I do think it’s okay to discuss. Just she hasn’t asked. Same with sex. I’m waiting for her to ask where babies come from and then I’ll be happy to explain.
Liz’s fasting journal
yes, that’s true. the truth will set you free!
yesterday sucked. went to my mom’s on Saturday afternoon and stayed until 1 AM. Drove home and got home at 2 AM. got into secret stash which might be a mistake to have. didn’t have tons but did have tons all through the evening. Started off innocently, one plate of food. small plates so went back a couple of times to refill. all fine. then came brownies and ice cream. then more brownies and ice cream. then more. i think i had 4 brownies with ice cream. maybe 3. regardless, it was a lot. and i lost count. then i had a couple of stacks of club crackers. i would call this level 10 - an all out binge.
got up for church sunday morning. had to DRAG myself out of bed. my face looked puffy. eyes looked glazed - all in all - i looked like a glazed donut.
but i went. and prayed and felt good that I did go.
sometimes, I feel like i’m the only person i know really working on self improvement and exercising discipline to accomplish hard things. that’s why i like the fasting accountability group. everyone in there is pushing herself to get better.
i was having a meeting with myself yesterday about starting my fast on sunday versus today - monday. it was a tense meeting lol. here’s the transcript:
Human brain: Liz - you binged last night. that is it! you’re fasting today.
PIG: come on lighten up it’s Sunday! Enjoy yourself - have a meal or 8. you deserve it.
Human brain: everyone at the party Saturday is telling you how you look so great. so much thinner. how did you get that way? through fasting. you spit out all this motivational spiel to the other people in the fasting group when they are feeling weak minded about fasting. listen to your own advice! you know you need to fast today. i don’t care if it’s sunday which is technically still the weekend. you can do it! you tell everyone else that the time is NOW to fast. don’t put it off til tomorrow b/c you will just gain more weight. you didn’t weigh yourself today b/c you knew it would be a lot of damage. tomorrow you can wake up and be a). happy with and proud of yourself for fasting and keeping your committment to yourself to fast todday. or b). irritated and down on yourself for not fasting and keeping your committment to yourself. Which is it going to be? it’s 100% your choice. you are 100% in control of what you eat or don’t eat. fasting is hard every single time you do it. and you know what? so what. that doesn’t mean that you should not fast. it means that you are strong that you can face what’s hard and do it anyway. it doesn’t matter that Chad gets to eat. he’s obese! he won’t go to the pool in the summer because he feels badly about how he looks. is that the life you want? no! hell no!!! you want to look good and feel good this summer and every day! yes it’s hard but it works. RESULTS!!! that is why you are fasting. it’s not fun. it’s not supposed to be fun. and the truth is, it’s only hard for 2 hours a day. can you get through this day without eating? yes you can!!! you can deal with 2 hours of hard. you’re the one who cries everytime you lose weight and then gain it all back. why is that? because you put in all this effort then you undo it because you don’t want to go back to what worked to lose the weight. you let your PIG tell you that you deserve to eat. ha! POPPYCOCK! you deserve to let your body rest after that eating bender you went on for 11 hours! you don’t have to gain all the weight back that you lost. you are in control! you said if i binge, the next day or however long it takes to see 139 on the scale is how long i need to fast for. period. that’s what you said.
PIG: fuck what i said. let’s eat.
Human brain: no - fuck YOU PIG! you have run my life long enough. I’m not going around this same mountain this year. I’m using my human brain now and i don’t care how much you squeal today. you’re not getting your way b/c i’m fasting today. i need to. i want to wake up tomorrow and feel good about myself. i want to keep myself around this weight. 139-142 is a good weight for me. i got up to 143 this week and i don’t care for 143. too close to 145. i like low 140’s to be my max. i’ve worked too hard to throw in the towel just b/c that’s what i FEEL like doing. every time i listen to you PIG i gain and gain and then i’m back to 165-170. no thank you. you’re evicted. literally shut your pie hole.
PIG: gosh, so testy.
Human Brain: yes, i am testy b/c i am so sick of you telling me it feels good to let you out of the cage. then i do and i’m never happy about it. i’m not going to beat myself up for going crazy yesterday on food. i told myself that i’m not beating myself up anymore and i knew i was going to overeat yesterday and possibly even slide into a binge. so i did. so what? it’s okay. it’s okay but now i need to jump back on the fasting train and undo the PIG’s damage. That’s it.
PIG: okay whatever. i’ll be squealing all day - just letting you know.
Human Brain: okay. i’m ready for your fatass. squeal away. i’ll fight you every minute of this day if i have to.
fast forward to 9 PM:
PIG: once the kid falls asleep you should have a yogurt with granola.
Human Brain: but i’m fasting today, remember?
PIG: oh yeah. then you should have a salad.
Human Brain: eating a salad is not fasting.
PIG: but you have all of those bagged salads you bought in the fridge. they might go bad if no one eats them.
Human Brain: shut up PIG. salads and yogurt with granola aren’t fasting.
PIG: but you are so tired. you fasted all day. you passed up SO MUCH YUMMY FOOD at six flags. the least you can do for yourself is have a little snack before bed.
Human Brain: no. not happening. I’m going to bed. Good night PIG. i hope you choke to death.
PIG: okay i’ll meet you in bed.
…later…
PIG: man that salad and yogurt sure do sound good. come on - please!
Human Brain: I see my sign - “dear Liz, don’t get out of bed to eat. Love your Human Brain.”
PIG: it’s going to be 500 calories or maybe 600.
Human Brain: i’m fasting. it’s going to be a binge and anyway - food isn’t on the plan today.
PIG: it’s going to be hard to sleep on an empty stomach.
Human Brain: i’m done fighting with you. I’m tired. I’m sleeping now. Stop talking. It’s decided. i’m not eating. i’m fasting. i’ll be on the scale in the morning and it probably STILL won’t be good.
…this morning…
Human Brain: i’m sooooooo proud of you for fasting yesterday. damn that was hard but you did it. you’re such a badass! good for you Liz. You smoked that thang. you were around all of that eating yesterday. you resisted last night when that asshole PIG was nagging you. You went to bed.
…encounter with the scale…
Human Brain: 144.4 damn still not liking that but just think if you had eaten yesterday instead of fasted how high it would have been. 147? who knows? i won’t know because i stuck with my committment to myself. I can do hard things. today will be easier because you are feeling great. you are amazing. i’m in awe of you girl. i really am. you’re the bomb.com. the angels in heaven are singing. fasting is good for you! fasting is really really good for you! you have a lot to do today and it’s not going to be so hard as it was yesterday. i think the PIG wore itself out yesterday berating and annoying you so much. fast today. and fast tomorrow. i know you don’t want to think of fasting today AND tomorrow. but that’s what is going to happen.
PIG: did I hear you’re fasting today? AND tomorrow? today i’m going to give you but TOMORROW! Damn girl that sucks.
Human Brain: go back to sleep. today I’m focused on today. i am fasting TODAY. i’m not going to worry about tomorrow right now. just today i’m fasting. God you are fucking annoying PIG. lots to do today. i need to do my habit tracker, exercise, say my rosary, repaint the table top, sand the table top maybe, maybe buy paint. this damn table. i just don’t know. it’s on it’s last legs that’s for sure. i’ll try to salvage it for another year but we shall see.
PIG: fine, whatever. i’ll talk to you later.
Human Brain: the saga continues. whatever. i know i’m in control of the PIG. the PIG squeals b/c it can’t eat without talking to me. it can’t control me. it can squeal all it wants but i’m the one in control. i’m the one who decides when i’m fasting and TODAY i’m fasting. god help me! i can do this! get to the call at 2 PM. it is so helpful to have support. you can do this today girl. it’s going to be hard a max of 2 hours. that’s it! you got this! YOU GOT THIS! you are strong and capable.
2 Likes
yesterday SUCKED for fasting. again. oh well. i did it and the scale rewarded me today with a 4.4# loss. i was just so pissed at my husband especially. there’s just so much flipping eating all of the time. eating lunch. then eating snacks while making dinner. then a huge dinner. in the middle of all that, i made my daughter a grilled cheese. then she sees his dinner an hour later and wants some of that. it’s exhausting. i called my dad last night and he and my sister were headed to taco bell. she was getting pissy that he wasn’t leaving that minute to get her crap to eat.
i’m okay today though. i did my fasting check in call. the only reason i can even stay on my fast is because of the fasting accountability group. otherwise, there’s no way i could do this. i’m sure as I stay with this group my husband is going to pissed that i keep spending $ on it. but i really can’t imagine being able to do this without the support of the group and having to be around all of these fat motherfuckers all of the time!
oh well. i will deal with that when i get there. maybe he’ll just leave me alone. he really should keep his big fat piehole shut as he spends a lot of $ every month on food, alcohol, and marijuana. like a ridiculous amount. plus i know that just us not going out to eat on Sundays saves us $ and sometimes I talk him out of going out to eat another night in addition. of course, he ususally does get himself food from somewhere on sundays.
i’ve already decided i am going to church tonight so that 1. i have something to distract me from eating and 2. so that chad and i don’t get in a fight. i think it was last tuesday when i ate dinner at home and we got into a huge argument about $. yep, just checked. it was last tuesday. instead of going to church, i ate dinner and got into it with him. so tonight i’m not making that mistake again. i’m going to church at 6:30. i’ll take my daughter to dance from 5:15-6. come home. feed her and head out. maybe she’ll go with me, maybe she won’t. but i’m not going to be here. i can’t wait to escape. i wish i had church every week night during feeding time at this hog house.
unfortunately we don’t have a fasting checkin call today. today we just post a video. i like the check in call better of course but it’s better than nothing for sure.
struggling so much today with wanting to eat. doing my best trying to stay busy. taking it a minute at a time it seems like. i already had a bunch of salt. that seemed to help for about 90 min. now my stomach is growling again. seems like it never gets easier. one time i think it was not too bad hunger-wise. but not this time that’s for sure. i already told my husband i might eat tonight. then i look at my post and i’m like grrrrr i can’t. what’s a committment if i won’t stick to it?
so pissed right now. heaven for me is an all-you-can-eat buffet with my family and friends. that’s it. that’s all i want in life is to hang out with people i care about and chow down without repurcussions. i’m a simple person.
obviously that’s not reality.
reality is that for the first time possibly in my entire adult life - my thighs aren’t rubbing together when i walk. i told my husband today it actually feels weird now when i walk b/c of the lack of friction.
maybe deep down all of this being thin stuff is freaking me out. or maybe i just want to eat on my stash of m&m’s of various flavors - plain, peanut, peanut butter, and caramel. and i also have a stash of starbursts. that’s probably it. wtf was i thinking having a freaking STASH of candy?!? that’s not something a person like me should have. i may as well just inject fat back into my thighs. save myself the trouble of opening packages and chewing and swallowing. ugh. really - what was i thinking?
poo poo poo. i hate life when i’m fasting. waaaaaaaaah.
it’s so much easier doing omad than fasting. thank GOD i’m definitely eating tomorrow at lunch unless my client cancels on me.
i have about 30 min before i have to pick up my daughter. i’m doing a pep talk with myself right now. if i can just get through without eating between now and then i will be okay at least until that 45 min break from her getting home from school and me having to take her to ballet. i’m happy with my decision to fast. i’m happy with my decision to fast. maybe i’ll put my headphones in and do my fasting affirmations. yes, that’s it. and i’ll read my book on fasting. it’s so much easier to talk about fasting than it is to actually DO fasting. lord knows that is true
2 Likes
Liz you’re so realistic with daily life. Thanks for everything and keep on, keepin’ on!!!
-Melissa from April’s Group
thank you Melissa!
I’m so sad today. well one - i have eaten like crap the last 2 nights. i had dinner tuesday which i was SUPPOSED to go to church and fast. it turned into a bit of a binge.
i ate lunch yesterday with a customer. then i ate dinner with my family. then i ate candy from the stash.
just got rid of my stash. that wasn’t working for me. AT ALL. might write more later. i’m mentally fucked up! tons of work / biz stuff going on. so upsetting
I’m just a spinster so I have no dog in the fight.
But just wondering what would happen if you said something like “hey, if you ever have any questions on things like why mommy doesn’t have dinner sometimes or where babies come from just ask.” 
.
LOL, please forgive me.
But I have to add a reference point which may not even apply to you.
I was never given an open line of communication growing up.
I learned all about sex in school and from friends - because it was a taboo conversation in my home amongst other things.
That’s all. 
Oh you’re good. I’ll def be telling her pretty soon. my mom had the sex talk with me so young that it was weird. so i don’t want to traumatize her like my mom did me…if that makes sense.
Last night was a level 10 which is binge all out. i only stopped b/c it was midnight and i was like it’s a new day and i have to be done. plus i was too tired to keep binging. so all in all - boo hoo. that sucked.
I’ve had CRAZY ass shit going on at work. i am an independant contractor which means that i work technically for myself. The way I make money is I sell services for another company - let’s call it M Company and M Company pays my company many thousands of dollars every year. They are a very important company to my business.
I got the news this week that the original owner sold M Company to his family member. Not a surprise all in all, but this happend 4-5 years before I was expecting it to happen.
So I am trying to wrap my head around a new owner of M Company and potential changes that could be coming my way. Frankly I’m scared.
Then I find out that fellow independant contractor / good friend / mentor told original owner and new owner that he is leaving M Company and doing his own thing now as a competitor to M Company.
Things immediately got very ugly between those 2 parties and have escalated to lawyers being involved on both sides of the fence. I personally and professionally care about both parties.
The whole thing makes me sick. All of that stuff is not my problem. But now I just feel sick. there’s no other way to describe it.
I’m scared of what’s in the future. I’m uncertain about the new owner’s plans and direction he wants to take the company. I’m pissed that my friend might be fucking the rest of the independant salespeople by setting out on his own. Company M I’m sure is now suspicious about all the salespeople.
I’m scared that I’m going to hate everyone by the end of this. I’m scared it’s going to turn out ugly for my friend. I’m scared because I’m seeing sides to everyone I don’t like.
Greed is disgusting and when there’s a shitload of money on the table and 2 opposing parties think it should be theirs - that brings out the freaking devil in people.
On some level we are all greedy! I hide my candy! So fuck yeah I’m greedy.
I tried fucking another business owner in the past by trying to steal his clients. One - I succeeded for awhile getting some of the business. Is that right? No! Hell no! It’s not right.
My Motivation: Greed.
So again, ugly stuff. I only admit my sins to say I’m not above any of these folks. I’m guilty of having greedy motivations and I made wrong choices because of them.
So is all of this my excuse to eat horribly? I overate for 1 day…i think. Now I’m trying to decide if it was overeating or binging. I think was just overeating. Then binged the last 2 nights. UMMMMMMMM, yeah? It is AN excuse. An excuse is still an excuse. It’s not making me feel better.
In fact, i feel like complete dog shit.
I’m IGNORING some work stuff I should address. I feel bad about it but at the same time I’m like fuck it. I’m going through some THANGS. ya know?
Okay just took care of one work thing. glad i wrote that down about ignoring things. i can’t ignore shit right now.
I am just so flipping scattered mentally right now. i got a call from a prospect today that i should be expecting a call from one of the big wigs there to talk about changing to me. it’s a huge thing if they call because i’ve had my foot half way in the door for 2 years. and they say that once the big wigs meet me they WILL want to make the change.
this would be tons of $ for me. so very important i know what’s going on with this new owner. i am debating on reaching out to him now but it’s 4:30 pm on a friday. let the man have a damn cold one ya know is how I’m feeling. but i’m impatient.
will wait but i’m calling him Monday if he doesn’t call me which it does not appear he will today. dang it. lots on his plate. LOTS.
ive been right where all these people are. i think that’s one reason i’m sick. i’ve been my friend when i first started my own business. lawyers came after me and it wasn’t fun. in fact, i had never been more afraid in my life at that point when all of that went down.
it’s amazing to me how your world changes when you own the company. you don’t just work for a paycheck. everything is on you. everything. it sucks. that’s why i contract for another company now. it’s kind of the best of both worlds. you don’t REALLY have a boss. but you sort of have someone else doing all of the hard stuff. but then again, you are not totally in control b/c things like this happen and sure, you can try to go elsewhere. but see how that’s working out for my friend? yeah, not so hot.
fuckity fuck fuck. i can’t believe anyone reads anything i write. i’m just so distraught. i don’t like uncertainty anymore. i’m sick of it. since covid, nothing has been normal. so i shouldn’t be surprised that things are changing. i don’t like it is all. i just am uncomfortable.
i’m so tempted to call my friend. but i’m not going to. that will just upset me. he’s made his proverbial bed. and now he needs to figure it out. i will just get upset if i call him. i know that much so i’m not going to do it.
oh yeah, so FASTING!!! YES! i’m doing that fasting business. i fucking do not want to at all. but i had yet ANOTHER food overeating / binging hangover today. so it’s got to be done. i ate dinner last night. then i went to the gas station and got treats since i got rid of my stash yesterday earlier. then i went home and stuffed my face.
then i got up this morning to my friend calling me - another one - with all of this work bullshit. then i was REALLY down. then i got more down b/c i paid over $5k in taxes today at the accountants office. it was more like $6k but saying $5k makes me feel better.
then i was on the fasting accountability call with yas whining about my sucky life. which, actually, there are probably millions if not billions of people who would die for my first world problems of too much food and owing thousands of dollars that i actually have to the government for my taxes for a business i freaking own! i mean come the fuck on liz. get a clue on how good you have it.
so i’m fasting today b/c the scale was 148 again. and yas said it and it’s true. 3 nights of not doing well isn’t going to undo the hard work you put in and all of the fasting you’ve done. 3 weeks of eating bad and binging…3 months of binging - yes, then there’s significant damage. but 3 nights - no. i’m not letting it go beyond that. and i’m determined that i’m done binging.
i had a very extremely strong urge to get high today. pot would help me forget i told myself. and then i promptly told myself maybe or maybe it will make you MORE anxious. and it will DEFINITELY make you say fuck fasting. i’m sure of that. and it will definitely tell me it’s okay to binge just one more day. and i know i’d do it.
so now i am here. no vices. just pecking away on my keyboard to the point of my neck and shoulders are hurting. not wanting to get up because that means facing my daugher and saying get out of your PJ’s it’s time to go do shit. which honestly, i just want to wallow a bit longer. just a bit. wallow in my pity and sadness. but the time for that shit is over. now it’s a new time to get moving and do things. meeting up with friends and their kids and my daughter will have a blast. until we meet again!
i hope to be reporting tomorrow that i stayed on my fast today. i’m going to pretend my mouth is freaking wired shut that is the truth. and then hopefully tomorrow the scale will drop a bunch and i’ll be feeling a million times better
keep yourself in a good mood! that helps you stay on your fast. dodge the animal brain.
1 Like
i did it! got through Day 1. the scale was my best friend this morning. down 5# since yesterday. so i was coming in at 148. today i was 143. hopefully i’ll be 139 tomorrow. that’s probably major wishful thinking but a girl can hope can’t she?
almost done with day 2 actually - 43.5 hours in. Fasting is flipping hard sometimes. Today husband wanted to go to lunch. I thought about it. I thought I can just start fasting tomorrow. Why am I fasting on a Saturday? That’s dumb. then i thought u joined a fasting accountability group so that you would stay on your fast. so i said, no thanks - not going to lunch. maybe dinner.
got home. so not in the mood to fast BUT my kid is having her friend over tonight so there’s no need to be around people or socialize. therefore I really SHOULD fast.
but i don’t want to.
too bad. i’m doing it. i had gone for a long walk with my dog and texted my husband the verdict. i said not eating tonight it’s a hard no. then i broke the news that i’m doing a long fast for me. several days. going for 6 or 7. and will extend if possible. the only reason i’m not just saying i’m doing a 10 day is because i will prob have lunch with a prospective client this week. maybe 2 lunches. ugh. that sucks.
but this is big biz opportunity so i’ll go to lunch damnit. that’s the hardest thing for me and fasting. i tend to kind of neglect my work lunches which i really need to go on. but then when i do go, i break my fast.
whatever. i’ll deal with it this week. today i’m fasting damnit.
i walked a lot today. probably a total of 1.5 hours. that’s how bored i am when i’m fasting. especially on a weekend! i could do productive things but nah. no thanks. don’t want to.
so it’s almost 8 pm here. if my daughter’s friend wasn’t here i’d be trying to get my kid sort of ready for bed. but since the friend is here, i’ll wait until 9:30 or so.
almost 8. that’s a good feeling. that i know i’m going to make it through today.
someone in my fasting group said “i need to get used to that empty stomach feeling again. i’m not used to it. i used to love it.” i was like 100% agree. that’s the skinny feeling that you start to appreciate. i’m not there yet but after 2 days, i’m getting closer.
i fast so damn much it seems like. i should be 8#. but the binging fucking KILLS me. i just signed up for the month of May for the fasting group.
damn i hate spending the money. but it’s so worth it. i need it to keep me from gaining all of this weight back. if i need it for a year, i’m doing it for a year. it’s only about $40 per week, which if i fast 3 days, that’s probably at LEAST $40 worth of food.
plus all of the $ we save as a family not going out to eat. we prob save at least $40 just not going out to eat one time and i usually DO keep us from going out to eat as a family at least once a week. sometimes more. depends on if i fast on a weekend. i don’t do that usually on Friday or Saturday. but i have been fasting pretty often on Sundays and that used to always be a going out to eat day for us.
now my husband just gets food alone. it’s got to be depressing. it makes me kind of depressed that he doesn’t ever just save $ and eat at home. plus he’s obese. i hate to say it. i try to think of him as just overweight. he’s not hugely obese. it’s not attractive tho. i pray he loses some weight. he’s like i lost 5# this week. yeah great but i guarantee he’s going to gain 5# this weekend.
he went out to eat by himself. and to drink. he was dying to do it all day. i wish he’d call a friend. it seems kind of lame to just go to the bar by himself. but i guess there are other men who do that. plus we sort of are familiar with some of the people at our local grill and bar. it’s a decent place. food is good. it’s not a shithole bar anyway. some pretentious asshole at my work said it was a shithole. i was like have you been there? because i know a shithole when i see one, and this place is not.
i’m so bummed out that my husband is so consumed with pleasing his flesh so often. eat, drink alcohol, smoke weed. repeat. eat, drink, smoke. repeat. that’s his life. and that USED to be my life too which is probably the basis of why we fell in love with each other.
i’ve TOTALLY changed my life. he’s got to hate me sometimes. i don’t drink anymore and haven’t for the last 4+ years. i quit smoking pot again about a month and a half ago. sometimes i’ve gone back to it, but this time i keep telling myself it’s NOT going to make me feel better b/c i know from past experience that it always ends up making me feel worse. plus i binge when i smoke usually.
and now that i’m fasting so often since July of 2020, we don’t even have eating in common. i still DO eat obviously. but going out to eat at least 1-2 nights a week was our only thing we have liked doing together. and now that’s half way gone.
i’m just praying. i did 2 rosarys today. i don’t say that to impress anyone. i say it b/c i’m truly at a loss about what to do. we love to travel together. and i’ll admit i do like sex these days now that i’m thinner and realize how good it is for my marriage.
problem is i’m a lazy lover. i’ll admit it. i like being on the bottom. and drunk fat dudes typically don’t want to work as hard as is needed to one get me off and two do all the pumping and grinding.
so there you go. i might just go in for a blow job tonight and hopefully he’ll be on board. but he might be too drunk. at least i know he’ll come home happy. i must say for all of my flaws, i really am a fucking SAINT to live with a guy who is a drunk, stoner, glutton! especially considering i’m fasting and recovering from alcoholism and drug addiction.
sometimes i fantasize about getting divorced. but it’s really just fantasies. i don’t believe the grass is greener. and as hard as it all is sometimes being in my situation, i married this guy for better or worse. in sickness and in health. til death do us part.
gosh darnit those vows mean something to me. i’m hanging in there. at the core of it all, i believe God brought us together. we had one fight our first 2 years together. what God brought together let no man tear apart. i think that means i shouldn’t leave no matter what. my husband is a good super nice guy. he’s nice looking minus the overweight thing. he works hard. he’s got a good job. he adores me and our daughter. he’s usually in a good mood. he respects me. he thinks i’m hot. he supports my decisions. he believes in me. he’s great. i’m not letting a good one go because i think there’s a better one out there. because guess what? the ones that are better are already married! i’d end up with some divorced piece of crap who has kids and i sure as shit don’t want step kids.
no thanks. i don’t even want to take care of my own kid 98% of the time! do you think i’d take care of someone else’s kid? hells to the naw!!!
my kid and her friend are coming in my office now. annoying me. i am telling you i hate kids.
signing off.
1 Like
husband got home from the bar / restaurant last night and was tipsy and looking to complain. he had met with his sister so at least i was happy he wasn’t out by himself and crying into his beer.
when are you going to start being normal and eating again? he asked.
i don’t know. i’m trying to get to a one meal a day, i said, but i keep binging and when i do, then i have to fast to undo the damage.
anyway, long story long, he wants to eat dinner. go out to dinner. he wants me to be on a predictable schedule he says b/c he likes to eat together.
he said even if i could just know you are eating wed, thursday, friday, and saturday that would be great.
i tried arguing but i get it. i tried saying i almost never fast over the weekend but this was an exception. then i looked at my zero app where i keep track of things. turns out i have fasted many weekends since february.
then i tried to fight back bringing up all of the things he does that i don’t like and that piss ME off.
realized it was fruitless. he wanted to complain. i get it. eating was the one thing we really did enjoy together. and now i’m not being fun. got it. check.
i said don’t you like how i look now? he said of course. i said then leave me the fuck alone. i’m trying to figure out how to do all of this and keep the weight off.
obviously, it has a lot to do with binge eating. he’s like i see you going down that road and i want to help you but then you get mad. and i said yes, what’s your point? he said well you say stuff to me but i can’t say stuff to you. i said okay yes, i agree with that. he said that’s not fair! it’s a double standard! i said i agree, it is. so???
again, he’s pissed and venting.
i have PLENTY of complaints about him. plenty.
the way we resolved it was me saying, sorry but i have to fast and i’ll try to get on a predictable schedule.
the whole work lunch thing is REALLY throwing me off. if i have lunch, that’s my omad right???
maybe i just need to bite the bullet and have a small plain salad for my lunches. no croutons. and then still have my real omad meal for dinner with the cry baby, um, i mean my husband.
i just downloaded a sample of a book called Allen Carr’s Easy Way to Quit Emotional Eating.
i’m barely into it right now but from what i can tell it’s going to tell me that i have to quit processed food and all the junky carbs completely.
while that would help immensley, i’m like fuuuuuuuuck. i feel like i have NOTHING to enjoy in life. no booze. i’m an alcholic. no weed. i can’t control it - i’m a drug addict. food was all i had. now i’m supposed to give up the one thing i enjoy?!? ughhhhhhhhhhh. hate it.
had the accountability call with yas and the group. she suggested tell my husband assume i’m fasting monday - thursday. and give the husband fri - sunday. that being said now i’m ready to eat!
she said something too in passing about women taking care of everybody else and we always come last. and that’s so true. and yet, when my husband lets his anger at me out, it’s always about how things have to be MY WAY, how i’m selfish.
that brought up a lot of anger in me. i’ve given up my life for this family. i’m sure he feels he has too.
maybe this new schedule will encourage me to stick to my plan and get a regimen / routine with my eating and fasting. plus if i tell my husband this is what it is, then he’s probably going to be pissy if i don’t stick with it. and then i run into needing to have lunch with clients. i typically aim for Thursdays for those anyway. and if i’m really dilligent about fasting sunday night through thursday morning, that’s almost 4 days.
my GOAL is to do OMAD. and the days i have lunch with clients to just do a light salad. then i think what? no croutons??? that seems like punishment.
i keep fantasizing about carbs. i’m listening to an audio book right now about how to stop emotional eating. i’m only on chapter 2 but so far it seems to me they are saying basically if you are reading this, you have an addiction to bad carbs. And those are what’s making you binge and emotionally eat b/c there’s no satiety so that’s why they are so easy to overeat. makes sense.
that’s probably why the keto diet works b/c it’s no bad carbs i think. and if i would do that then i probably could do OMAD without issue.
this audio book also says don’t try to change your eating style in the middle of reading this book. reason is something to do with just being too much pressure on yourself.
it seems to me they are saying that you need to cut out all of the bad carbs.
and they say don’t try to change anything right now.
thank god b/c i just was looking at keto diets, vegan diets and getting depressed AND hungry.
it DOES seem like an excellent idea to stop eating processed crap.
this audio book also says the goal of the book is to change how you view the processed junk and see that it’s actually NOT rewarding. that it actually IS junk and THAT’S how you can quit eating it.
they say this requires no willpower to stop eating the junk once you realize that it doesn’t bring you pleasure.
my mind is rejecting all of these ideas basically non stop. ugh. i hate struggling with food so much like this. GET A LIFE LIZ ya know?
and yet, i know there are so many people who struggle. and so whatever, who am i hurting to write in this stupid journal about it? no one. it’s keeping my hands busy and therefore, out of the fridge.
i texted my husband i was going to eat tonight if he wants. he’s out playing golf and isn’t responding. go figure. i want to eat finally and where the heck is he?
i WANT to go raid the fridge and eat a shit ton of healthy stuff. but i’m trying to hold off until i know the plan b/c i am pretty sure once i start it’s going to keep going.
i’m at 63 1/2 hours right now. i’m holding out til at least 64 hours. that’s 2 days an 16 hours.
if i fast from sundays at 8pm til fridays at noon, that will give me 88 hours of fasting per week = 3 days and 16 hours. that’s SEEMS like it should be sufficient, yes?
i think i want to be at 139 but what i keep doing is stopping the fast when i get to 139 and then OF COURSE i’m going to gain weight b/c drumroll please - i was never really AT 139 even though that’s where i WANT to be.
so goal going forward…for now - i’m going to do this program of fasting sunday night until required client lunch at noon on Thursday. at the lunch, i’ll do NO FUCKING CROUTONS. no crap food.
dinner Thursday night??? or back to fasting? that’s a tough one. I know I definitely need to stop eating EVERY night by 8 pm.
Husband likes eating late. it’s so fucking annoying. i like eating early.
we are living on different planets. i swear!
Fridays do the same thing as Thursday but I’m defnitely having dinner with the family. And I’ll only eat twice IF i have a client lunch. And at the client lunch - the restrictions about no croutons and happiness apply.
Saturdays and Sundays - OMAD with the family.
so i’m sitting here thinking how badly i want to eat. and i’m telling myself i’ll have something healthy. but then i look at my plan above. sundays is supposed to be OMAD which by definition is ONE meal a day. not snacks then dinner.
lots of times, what i’ve BEEN doing that is fucking me up so bad on the scale is fasting for days. then i break the fast usually not with healthy food. then i start on a binge b/c i’m eating the junky carbs. then the scale goes on a roller coaster ride.
I know there are people in the world who don’t eat crappy processed carb shit. i could become one of them. that seems very far fetched right now. like impossible. and yet i know it’s not. i know that i’m EXTREMELY disciplined compared to most everyone i know.
that being said, i don’t want to give up fruit. i can give up all processed. then i think does that include salad dressing? i’m not making my own dressing and olive oil and vinegar - blows. no thanks.
reading up on all of this stuff. it DOES seem to be saying no fruit unless it’s berries. berries okay. high fat stuff cool as long as not processed. don’t do sweetners, low fat stuff.
so weird and sucky b/c i’ve been giving my family skim milk. that’s got a lot of sugar. lots of fruit - lots of sugar. ugh. i’m so fucking frustrated. i’m CRYING out to God right now - I need WISDOM. i need direction with my family. i want to make shit healthy in my house but it’s not working. husband not on board. the kid’s teacher is trying to urge me to look at my daughter having ADHD.
can’t help but think it’s something to do with her shitty ass diet. husband thiniks fucking CHIPS are a food group. so fucking frustrated right now. i guess that’s it. i don’t know what to do about all of this. speaking of chips - those sound great
2 Likes
made it through yesterday - so hard!
i talked to yaz in the fasting group and she suggested that i get on a weekly schedule so that my husband doesn’t get so irritated with me for not being his eating partner. that’s where we are at right now is the inconsistant schedule is bothering him a lot.
i was talking to my mom yesterday and realized ONE thing i need to do is lose a little more weight. i want to be right around 140. today i was 138.6 but I am currently on the 4th day of fasting! this was the lowest i’ve been.
it seems like when i stop fasting i’m usually up at least 4# by the next day or within a few days. so that being said, i need to fast til i’m around 135ish to maintain a weight around 140.
so here’s the weekly schedule i’m going to commit to - to my husband and my fasting group:
Monday - Thursday - assume fasting.
Friday, Saturday - OMAD
Sunday - coin toss. i’d prefer to have this as an optional fasting day. But if my husband wants to go out or if we have something planned, i’ll do OMAD
work lunches: try to make those for Thursday or Friday. only have a salad with no bad carbs.
I’m working on stopping complaining so i was about to write “no bad carbs and no happiness” because i think that’s funny.
BUT if i’m going to stop complaining, then i need to stop making jokes out of my complaints because i do that a lot. it definitely doesn’t HELP me feel better at all to say that i can’t have bad carbs and therefore, i can’t have happiness. it makes me feel deprived.
and what i really need to start doing is embracing a whole food lifestyle. i can’t even talk about it b/c even just thinking about food is making my stomach growl.
i couldn’t sleep last night and very seriously contemplated getting out of bed to have “something healthy” just so i could fall asleep. NO! I have a sign i made taped next to my bed that says something to the effect of - liz, don’t get out of bed to eat. love, your human brain.
today is day 13 of fasting this month. i’d made a goal to do 15 days this month.
i’ve got work stuff to do that i don’t want to do. but there’s no time like the present!
1 Like
i made it through yesterday which was day 4. could not sleep last night so almost had myself convinced to get up and eat. and i just kept thinking about how the scale was going to be great in the morning if i stuck to my fasting plan. it was so hard but i did it!
through the grace of god. i feel like i’m about to break my fast every single day. i’m sure i’m not the only one going through this.
i keep telling myself…“just get through today! you get to eat Friday Saturday and Sunday! you CAN and DO keep committments to yourself, your husband, and your fasting group. DO what you said you were going to do.”
so now i’m IDENTIFYING as a person who fasts Sunday night - Friday. I eat on Fridays, Saturdays, Sundays. and that’s it! no more going around the same mountain where i get in a mental argument with myself. distressing really. and then convincing to break my fast on a Tuesday or Wednesday or even a Thursday. That’s what I keep doing and then i regret it. and then i have to fast the whole or part of the weekend.
i really can change who i am and how i behave with God’s help! And i’m doing it in the name of Jesus.
God is also convicting me to stop complaining. i guess i’m sort of doing that one here. BUT i’m reading a book about it. and it says you just need to stop SAYING the complaints out loud. I believe that includes complaining, sarcasm, and gossip. oh boy! that’s hard in all respects.
i did good with it yesterday i think. i don’t think i complained one time out loud. i did say i looked like crap. is that complaining.
is saying something such as fasting - complaining?
i’ve always been a big complainer. even in 5th grade i remember the basketball coach telling my mom that he would make me captain of the team but i complained too much. it’s kind of funny but this book says that the complaining is creating the very stuff you DON’T want in your life. totally makes sense. i’ll keep reading this book and working on it and report back.
i’m goig to start wearing a rubber band on my wrist. every time you complain you’re supposed to move it to the other hand. it makes you concious of what you’re saying.
the goal is to get to 21 days. and every day that you utter a complaint, sarcastic comment, or gossip - you have to start over at day 1. yikes. i think the author of the book said it takes like 6 months to get to 21 consecutive days. i don’t doubt it. but here goes. i believe sincerely it’s a worthy thing to work on. it definitely can’t make my life worse.
i just kept noticing i’d complain about how hard fasting is. and that was just making it harder. like quit bitching about it! no one is making you fast. in fact, on the contrary, everyone’s telling me to stop fasting except for the fasting accountability group!
i was even just telling the group it was hard. i wasn’t really complaining to anyone else.
i complain A LOT about my kid and husband. and this book says - if you are complaining about things you HAVE - why would you want more?
i thought about that last night when i was cleaning up my big house that i prayed and prayed to get. i was about to say “i hate picking up everyone’s stuff…this house is too big.” but then i felt the holy spirit say to me “with much blessings comes much responsibility.”
so true. i need to be a good steward and have a good attitude about everything in my life. God’s not going to give me more if i’m bitching about the blessings i’ve asked for! that’s like a kid asking for a present and you give it to her. Then she complains that it’s too much work to keep up with it. it doesn’t make you want to give that kid more until they shut their hole.
the bible talks about how Jesus opened not his mouth. before he was crucified, he told his apostles that he wouldn’t be saying much from then on because he knew he was about to be tortured and killed. and he knew that words have so much power. and to compalin that he was the savior of the world wasn’t right b/c he was blessed with an incredible mission - to save the whole world and give everyone the opportunity to have a personal relationship with god through him.
that’s why it’s called the gospel. it literally means good news i think.
and Jesus also fasted in the desert for 40 days before he began his public ministry. people in religion have fasted all throughout history.
i’m finding fasting is helping me with other things. like quitting pot. again, need to stop complaining that it’s hard. god blessed me with freedom from that and alcohol. what a huge gift! i couldn’t get free for many years.
1 Like
today has been pretty hard. my daughter stayed home from school. she’s not SUPER sick but during Covid i feel like i can’t send her to school with a hacking cough and non stop running nose. plus she’s very tired. covid? hopefully not.
my husband who never gets sick also has the cough and is tired. he would never admit being sick. he’s very proud that he never gets sick.
so now i’m just hiding out in my office for awhile. i want to go for a walk but i felt SOOOOO exhausted earlier when i tried going. i was hot and it just felt like i was weak. then i went to the grocery store and i felt nauseated also.
i took some salt between the walk and the store and i think that helped b/c i feel okay now.
just kind of empty. trying to fill up the time. i really want to go to church tonight. mainly b/c it would just be me. my daughter can’t go in the condition she’s in.
I’m at 111 hours so that’s about 4 1/2 days. my zero app i use for fasting says i’m on day 5. so i tend to think I’ve done 5 days. but really it shows the day i’m working toward. kind of misleading.
i honestly want to just hang out and watch tv and not be bothered with anyone or anything. but that’s not going to happen. i’ve got some soup cooking on the stove. it smells really good but gosh darn, i’m not having any. ugh. so hard right now.
prob b/c i’m bored. i guess i could call a friend.
1 Like
boo ended up eating. turned into a binge.
i could go on and on but it went for a long time. waaaaay too much eating. level 10 which is an all out binge.
today is a new day. i’m fasting until dinner friday. scale wasn’t my friend but considering i am fasting for the next 2.5+ days it will be just fine.
i hate to undo all of the fasting and i don’t think i did. but i am disappointed in myself.
my excuses aren’t good but here’s what they are: starting monday - my daughter and my husband have been sick. kept her home from school yesterday b/c she had 3 covid symptoms. that really threw me off. then i made some amazing smelling soup yesterday. smelled up my whole house. started off trying the broth and just spiraled out of control. then i should have just went to bed but i ended up eating 2 huge bowls of dry cereal and finished off the peanut butter. so dumb. but oh well. again, what am i gonna do about the past?
absolutely nothing! nothing i can do.
i have to forgive myself. today i couldn’t get up. i was so tired. fasting that long - 5 days - makes me sleep like crap. so today i kept my daughter home again. she was coughing a lot earlier and still very congested and runny nose. i could tell my husband thought i should have sent her to school but he won’t say anything. i can just feel his passive aggressive disapproval. but i don’t care. she’s got 2 covid symptoms. we aren’t supposed to be sending them when they have these symptoms since covid. and honestly, we aren’t really supposed to send them ever when they have these symptoms but especially not during covid. her cough is better since i gave her medicine this morning. but the runny nose is not.
i should be able to send her tomorrow and not have him giving me the stink eye all day tomorrow.
can’t wait for my fasting group check in. i’m just going to be positive starting now and not dwelling on the mistake.’
thanks for listening dear fasting journal.
1 Like
scale was 141 today. so improvement.
painted yesterday. that’s a good way to get through a fasting day.
i was talking to my husband earlier about dinner. i told him i would eat. then driving my daughter home from the park i had a meeting with myself and it was human brain versus animal brain.
human brain thoughts: my goal this month was to fast 15 days. today is day 15 if i make it. and the scale WILL go down if i fast today. i had made this committment to myself to fast Monday - Thursday. today is Thursday. so i’m supposed to fast today.
animal brain: I was on my way to the grocery store to pickup salad and bread to go with the pasta he made. and i was thinking i should drop off my daughter and that way, i can get peanut m&m’s and eat them in the car on the way home.
then my human brain kicks in. then i started thinking of how i might lose control if i eat tonight. full on carb fest so yeah, probably i would. plus i would be breaking my committment to myself. Plus I have a PTO meeting on zoom at 6 so i was thinking THAT would stop me from eating. then i was like so what’s the point of even eating? you don’t want to binge, but you’re afraid you might. you don’t want to eat.
but your animal brain does. you’re supposed to fast today and hit your fasting days goal this month. the scale will reward you tomorrow if you fast today. it’s only going to be hard DURING dinner. once dinner is over for the family, i’ll be fine.
human brain: it’s just for tonight. i am eating with family Friday Saturday and Sunday.
i’m doing this no complaining challenge right now.
writing is considered complaining so i had to go back and erase half of what i wrote. so for now, i suppose what i can say is I’M FASTING tonight. i’m not eating. it feels great to fast. i’m happy with my decision to fast. i’m going to get through this night with a smile on my face. the scale is going to be so great tomorrow and i’ll feel sooooo good about myself tonight in bed and in the morning when i wake up with a flat stomach and step on the scale.
how i’m staying busy: i’m going to Lowe’s and getting the paint to finish my daughter’s room. i may just go ahead and paint it tonight on the zoom pto call.
i may go for a walk during the call.
but what i’m NOT doing is eating.
i’m taking a bath when the call is over.
i’m taking my sleeping pills.
i’m getting my daughter ready for bed.
she’s going to bed. then i’m going to bed.
i may jump on the call with the fasting group later if i have time and if i’m feeling like it’s hard.
but again not eating. NOT EATING. sorry husband. i love you but i’m not eating.
love you Liz! I’m doing awesome. doing great. so proud of you girl. you’re down 12# last month and 6# this month. that’s amazing! that’s incredible. that’s 18# in 2 months and you are 42 years old. people your age are not doing what you are doing! and you are getting the results you want! before summer! keep it up liz. you eat 3 days: friday, saturday, sunday. you fast 4 monday, tuesday, wednesday, thursday.
it’s going to be very very helpful to you if you make a committment to yourself to stop eating in secret. that would help you a lot.
it would also be very helpful for you to cut out the junky carbs and sugar. those are the things that put you in the binging mode.
what else would be helpful?
i really want to enjoy eating! i want to have a normal relationship with food. i don’t want to hide out and eat even though my animal brain is telling me i do - i really don’t.
that’s the PIG. the PIG is always wanting to have a private binge party. the PIG tells me that is what I REALLY want. i didn’t beat myself up AS MUCH as i used to in the past so i’m grateful for that.
there’s still a part of me that really wants the secret binge party. i just to keep reminding myself that isn’t actually what i want all. i want to be normal and happy and i want to get to a place where i eat daily and don’t have to worry about the scale going up significantly. why? b/c if i et at a normal amount of food instead of binge amount of food, the scale will stay reasonable. i think.
i’d love to make it happen for me.
stomach growling writing about eating so gots to go!
1 Like