You’re a freaking badass 
Liz’s fasting journal
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Yesssssss just saw this!!!
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Such a horrible start to the day. My daughter was tired and wouldn’t get out of bed. Why? Because she was goofing off last night instead of going to sleep. Stayed up an hour later than she should have.
How I should have handled it: gotten her up being silly.
How I actually handled it: yelled. threatened. Then this is the part I’m so embarrased about: i physically grabbed her and jerked her out of bed WITH EXTREME AGGRESSION. I know I was scary. Like as in Mommy Dearest, which I’ve never actually seen so why do i continually reference myself in this way?
She was SCARED. that’s what I do. I try to be so mean that it scares the crap out of her. all it does is make her cry. I guess I’m glad she cried only because MAYBE that means she’s processing her emotions about it. I am so concerned that’s she’s legit going to have emotional problems because of the way I treat her sometimes. I guess thank God I don’t act like this daily. I have no patience. In the moment, I lash out. This is not who I want to be. The punishment almost never fits the crime.
What does this have to do with binging and fasting? I don’t totally know. i DO know that Saturday I was having a really hard day. Like really hard. I fucking hate my husband sometimes. Like I feel like I just want to be done with my marriage sometimes. I’m sure I’m not alone in this.
My daughter was being a nightmare. I’m so concerned about her and I’m not making things better. I wonder if the way I act sometimes could be considered abuse. Like verbal ? Emotional? I know for sure it can be considered bad parenting.
I’m so fucking sick of self help. Mainly b/c it doesn’t help! i’ve been trying to fix myself of all of this shitball behavior. anger. losing my temper. etc. not working.
sat was really bad on binging and not wanting to feel emotions. like extraordinarily bad. i just wanted to get high and binge and escape. i didn’t get high. but i did binge a lot. i did actually enjoy it more than usual becasue I knew it was the last day of doing it. i knew i’d start a fast sun (yesterday) which I did.
i think when i binge i let myself off the hook. that’s the one time. the rest of the time i’m like this. just nonstop up my own ass. beating myself up. noticing all the ways I suck. so hard on myself. but i do feel i deserve it. i deserve to be mean to myself. that’s how much of a fuckup i feel like.
i apologized like 10 times to my daughter this morning. then i just prayed God - restore me. restore my daughter. help her forget how fucked up she was treated by her mom. ugh. so disgusted.
when i’m binging and getting high, maybe my life is like this but i’m so busy focused on getting high / telling myself not to get high / binging / telling myself not to binge / beating myself up for those 2 things - that i don’t notice that this is my life.
so when getting high is gone…it’s me facing reality. no thanks. not a fan. i just want to quit. go back in time. not start a business. not have a daughter. not get married. obviously a total waste of time to wish for this. and would i really even want to really not have these things. maybe not get married. that one is a question mark. but i definitely want my kid. as much as I hate being a mom. i do want her. i just feel so bad for her that she’s got such a crappy mom. one who just is out of control with her emotions, eating, drug use, anger, temper, etc.
how am i supposed to teach another human how to live when i’m failing so miserably?
fucking fuckity fuck fuck. i just want to go back to bed.
so fasting day 2. yesterday, i saved myself the pain of weighing myself which i normally do every day. i thought i don’t need to beat myself up that much for binging. so i thought i’ll get on the scale today. that is probably why i was in such a foul mood. i’m still up a ton.
actually it’s maybe not that bad. i’m up 7 from my 7 day fast. and i dropped a shit ton this last 7 day fast. like 17#.
some people are like this and i’m definitely like this: i can EASILY gain 8# in a couple of days of bad eating. but is it really weight that i put on? Not really. it takes one day sometimes and I lose 8#. so me gaining 7 isn’t all that bad. especially considering how low i was for a minute and a half at the end of that last fast.
i wonder how bad is it really to fast for several days. then binge. then fast again and repeat? is it bad for health? or is it indifferent?
today i feel hungry. like very very hungry already. i’m 34 hours in. i think it’s probably going to be a hard day. which is fine. i can deal with it. seeing the scale this morning motivates me.
i don’t know what else to write. i’m just sad and depressed. i have work to do. i have to be at someone’s house soon for some work stuff. i’ll put on my biz face and i’ll feel better.
see! There is the solution. act happy! it really does make me happier. get ready for the day. forgive yourself for fucking up. sure i fucked up. i apologized to my daughter. i apologized to god. i’m now apologizing to myself. liz - IT’S OKAY. you are human. god help me do better. liz - start doing better. catch yourself before you lose your fucking mind again and just walk off. take some deep breaths. talk yourself off the ledge. you can do it! you’ve been doing this on occassion and it’s great.
get up a little earlier tomorrow. and spend time with God. i’m going to write out some thangs right now that you need to review in the morning tomorrow:
today i’m asking god to help me control my temper.
i CAN and DO control my temper in all dealings: especially with my family: my daughter, my husband first and foremost.
when i get VERY upset and feel enraged, i don’t have to blow up!
I can catch myself in that split second before I act out.
i can remember that i don’t want to act out anymore.
it only feels good in the moment to go nuts.
afterwards, i ALWAYS feel tons of regret.
and it does damage to my daughter and my husband.
today, i’m keeping it together.
today, i’m going to PAUSE.
today i’m going to take some deep breaths.
today i’m going to not react quickly in anger.
i can take a walk.
go downstairs.
go in my closet.
go in the bathroom.
journal.
read the bible.
listen or watch something funny.
today i am under control.
I can do this.
god help me keep it together today!
i know you WILL and ARE helping me maintain my composure today.
i feel great about myself knowing that i’m forgiven for past mistakes.
i feel great about myself because i’m controlling my temper.
i am sticking to my fasting goals.
i’m showing up for myself in all areas of myself.
i’m getting better and better every day in every way.
in jesus’ name. .
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day 4. felt pretty good these last few days as far as not being terribly hungry. it’s still hard every day though. not a day goes by where i’m not hungry and i don’t want to eat. but i just stayed as busy as possible. the evening / dinner time is the hardest time by far.
i’ve been just telling myself - get through the next hour / 2 hours. then dinner is over and you can go to bed and wake up and you’ll have another day under your belt. so while the family eats dinner - i’ve been going for walks a lot. 2-3 walks a day with my dog and sometimes not with her. totally an hour a day a lot of times or more.
last night i just saw this empty stretch of time in front of me so i went to church. the pastor’s message was on “show me your friends, i’ll show you your future.”
great advice. i have 29 days clean. so i’m working on day 30 clean from mary jane. that’s great for me. i have gone around this mountain long enough. i’ve been back and forth, on and off with this crap for 13 years. it’s over. i’m done for good, one day at a time. it’s not serving me. period.
i know god wants to keep me off of it. i’d never condemn anyone else for smoking weed but for me, it’s not good for me. it makes my life just LESS than it could be. less than god wants for me. so instead of feeling like i’m missing out on something, god is saying i’m trying to get you more!
with much blessing comes much responsibility.
it’s been very helpful that now my husband who smokes daily really pretty much is keeping it hidden from me which is what i want. fine if he wants to smoke. i’d prefer we both quit. but if he’s going to smoke i don’t want to see it. i don’t want to smell it either but sometimes i can smell it.
no matter what, i’m staying on my fast today.
tomorrow is a different story. i’m praying and am going to talk to yas today about what to do tomorrow. i have lunch with clients.
pretend to eat salad? or actually eat my salad?
then what? right back to fasting? that sounds SO INCREDIBLY HARD to keep fasting after i broke my fast for lunch.
today the scale was 141. something. that’s amazing for me. to think i could be in the 130s soon is awesome. that might motivate me to pretend to eat. or at least to stop eating after lunch…
ugh so many decisions. i hate that i have to have lunch with clients. it’s my choice but i know it’s the right choice for my business.
i can’t go visit people at their offices b/c of covid and lunchtime is when you actually get to know your clients or potentials and build the relationship.
god help me. i do want to fast after lunch. i do want to fast friday and saturday. it sounds SO FREAKING HARD. it’s so much easier to just keep fasting versus trying to break, then re-start. that’s why the pretending to eat idea has so much appeal! need to figure it out.
i had a dream that i had a bare ass in a restaurant. had met a bunch of friends for dinner. got up. i don’t know why but my dress was totally open in the back. like a hospital gown that wasn’t shut. weird. why post this? great question.
yesterday i got upset and reacted in anger to something my daughter did. this happens way too often. my friend said “ask god why you’re so angry.” i said i think it’s b/c she’s not acting perfectly. and i see when she’s being rude as a sign that i’m a bad mom. which is something i feel often. like i’m not going a good job with her.
so maybe the dream means see liz? you’re putting on this front. but you’re not fooling anyone b/c everyone can see from the back that you are human. vulnerable. god help me be okay with just being imperfect. i have all of these expectations on myself. on my husband. on my family. esp on my daughter. help me not put all of my insecurities on my loved ones. they deserve to have my unconditional love. they deserve to be treated wtih kindness and respect. i wouldn’t DARE treat a client the way i have treated my daughter especially. on the contrary, i am nothing but kind and respectful to them.
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today is a good day. I’m on day 5. i’m going to break my fast at lunch. i’m doing OMAD today. One big salad with my very best client. Yesterday was so hard. I wanted to eat so bad for HOURS! But i just kept telling myself NO! you’re breaking your fast tomorrow. walked outside for 2+ hours. went to ulta beauty top pick up nail stuff. took a hot bath. called my mom. got on the 2 fasting accountability group calls. it was just hard ya know?
Yas pointed out that in March, these were my accomplishments:
30 days clean off of marijuana
21 days fasting
5 days OMAD
5 days questionable eating (that’s her nicely saying i was binging).
THAT’S AMAZING PROGRESS FOR ME!
I was pretty much a daily marijuana smoker. i didn’t even really set out to quit. but i did realize that i almost couldn’t NOT binge after a fast if I were to keep on smoking. I haven’t done that well with not binging thus far. but at least i have a fighting chance now!
and i know pot has been an issue for me for a long time!
i’ve quit. then i get back on it. then i quit. then i get back on it.
anywho, i am excited to see what transpires this year. it’s a year of grace and favor. God is giving me the grace to stop doing harmful things to my body: marijuana and binging. I quit drinking alcohol 4 years ago. so i’m in year five. Five is the biblical # of grace and favor. i know God has been dealing with me a very long time about quitting pot. and binging. I prayed for God to send me a guide. someone to teach me how to get control of eating, binging, and my weight. enter first Dr. Jason Fung and then yas! such a blessing. God is good. i weighed 140.4 this morning. WTH?!? that is amazing for me.
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planned to and broke my fast at 4.5 days and it was AMAZING yesterday. lunch w/ client. i always put on my schedule for the week that when i eat it’s going to be omad. but what usually ends up happening is obad. one binge all day.
i’m determined to figure omad out. i was able to do it daily on vacation on a girls trip in march. but coming home i’m back in my usual environment with my ingrained habits. i found this app called ate. you take a picture of everything you eat and in the moment you tag it as on track or off track. so it’s you deciding what is on or off your plan.
i did that yesterday. is this after fearing all week that i wasn’t going to be able to do omad at lunch and then be done for the day. omad is even harder for me if i’m just having lunch. maybe. it’s really hard for me at dinner too b/c i don’t want to stop eating!
anyway, i downloaded the app. and the i did it. i had planned on having a big omad salad for lunch with extra croutons. and i took the pic. tagged it as on track. then i ate. couldn’t finish the salad or i guess didn’t want to b/c i was full.
i told myself all night liz you can do hard things. you said you were doing omad today. you can do this. it might be one minute at a time but you can do this. a
and i did it! it was hard at dinner time. it’s always hard at dinner time. whether i’m doing fasting or omad, dinner is hard. so i did what i have been doing. i got out of the house and went for a walk with my dog. then if dinner is still not over i hide out in my office and find something to do or work on. i kept going back and forth on the walk. Should i eat dinner? should i not? what if husband wants to go out to eat? should i just eat and take the picutre of the food and log it in the app and say “off track”? i really didn’t want to fail on my very first day of using this app to help me do omad. so I finally told myself near the end of the walk, i’m not eating. i’m sticking to my omad plan and i already ate the exact meal i planned. so if he wants to go out to eat - god forbid! - i’ll go with him to be a good wife and good company - and i’ll just have an iced tea. and i’ll just push through it. i can do hard things. i have been doing SO MANY HARD THINGS! and i can get through it! even when it’s hard i can do it. again, i just really didn’t want to fail myself and put in that i was off track. i have failed to keep my commmittments to myself so often throughtout the years ESPECIALLY WHEN IT COMES TO DIETING, STICKING TO FOOD PLAN, EATING, ETC. that this keeping my committments to myself thing feels weird. it’s weird to me to be successful.
the scale going down so much is so helpful too. i keep telling myself if i can just do omad on my days when i DO eat and then stop there. i won’t have to do all of these extended fasts. b/c when i do 3 days of binging in a row, my first 2-3 days of full on fasts just help me lose the weight i gained on my OBAD days. i’ve known if i can get ahold of omad and really just do that, then i’ll get to my goal weight so much more easily b/c when i fast i’lll be losing more new weight. not just losing the weight i gained on my binging days.
so even doing omad yestereday, the scale showed i was down 0.4# today. i was really happy to see that! i was able to eat a nice relatively healthy meal that i really enjoyed and was delicous and still be down on the scale today. why? b/c i stopped eating when i’d planned to.
so the scale was 140 today! hallelujah. that’s my goal weight is 140. i’ve still got some cellulite on my thighs so my goal might need to be 135ish. i keep lowering my goal by 5 pounds b/c i just don’t look as good on my lower half as i would like. but to think just a few months ago i was in the upper 150s and now i’m 140. i figure i the next couple of weeks it’s very possible i’ll be down to 135ish. hopefully i can be looking how i want to then.
i went and tried on clothes yesterday at a store my friend shops at that i’ve never been to called maurice’s. i was trying on some smalls and mediums. shockingly a lot of times the smalls were the right size.
i was also trying on jeans. the 8’s were big. that’s never happened. i didn’t go any lower. i guess i could have tried on six’s but i like solid color jeans. i don’t like any whitish areas where they try to make them look old. and that’s really all they had there. but i am pretty sure i could have fit into the 6’s. it’s so hard for me to believe.
i love trying on clothes when i’m having a hard time. the word “RESULTS” pops into my head a lot when i’m struggling. i’m not doing fasting or omad b/c it’s fun or easy. i’m doing it for results! and trying on clothes reminds me just how effective fasting is! nothing nothing nothing touches it for losing weight and fat.
got home from the walk and husband was just then deciding to eat dinner. my whole upstairs also smelled like weed. i could tell he had smoked somewhere in the house and that was irritating b/c yesterday also happened to be my 31st day off of weed. sometimes i feel so unsupported. he knows i’m off weed. he knows i hate the smell b/c it’s a trigger. and he does it anyway sometimes. not often. but to do it at all makes me just want OUT OF MY MARRIAGE. like wtf asshole?
i hate to even write that b/c i don’t want out of my marriage b/c i don’t know that the grass would be greener and in fact, i don’t think it would be just b/c of my vows i took to be married and b/c i do love my husband deeply.
but it’s hard and i deny myself my feelings of how pissed off it all makes me. then i get mad at the dumbest little things and i fly off the handle. and to an outisder, it’s like why is so she upset? but i’m not upset about the little thing really. i’m upset in general that i’m trying so hard to be better and healthier and he’s blatantly making it harder for me. he’s very selfish but he thinks he’s perfect. it’s really fucking annoying b/c anything wrong in our relationship he says is my fault b/c i’m the one with the bad temper.
which, true. i do have a bad temper and i’ll completely admit it and i am working on it.
my daughter was staying the night at my mom’s. usually when we have a night to ourselves we go out to eat. so it kind of sucked for both of us. but i’d told him my schedule for this weekend. i know he hates it when i don’t eat, especially if it’s part of our weekend which it was since we are all off school and work today. well, i’m never off work b/c i own the company, but i’m pretty much off b/c most of my clients are off.
but then he surprised me and said let’s go get a new ceiling fan for our living room which we have discussed doing for 3 years.
he was eating. i was hiding out in my office by this point. i got on the fasting group accountability call and just plowed through the hard. then it was my turn to share on the call and he came downstairs and said let’s go. i was like now i’m doing something.
he was annoyed but again, he’s just selfish and he didn’t start eating until 7:30 and then at 8 he was impatient with me about wanting to leave. like you had ALL this time to have your dinner then you wait until this late and i’m not going to sit there and watch him while he eats. that’s just too much torture.
anyway, whatever. i did what i needed to do and then we went to get the fan.
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day 1 of 4 1/2 day fast. have a lunch with a potential client on friday or else i’d probably go longer.
i’m in my office
pretending to work.
actually just wanting to write about fasting b/c i’m bored.
i could work. but nah. pretending to work is more fun.
watched yaz’s fasting video. 12 things you may experience on a fast days 1-3.
- feel cold (yes)
- skin smooth and glowy (not yet; it’s only been 20 hours though).
- dream about breaking fast (not yet; i don’t really do that).
- random food cravings (yes -wanting german chocolate cake and peanut butter)
- pounds melt off (I am weighing myself tomorrow - normally i weigh and record my weight daily but i didn’t want to get depressed so i skipped weighing yesterday and today. i’ll let you know the damage tomorrow. i’m actually already scared but i’m praying the fasting today will at least not make it so i cry tomorrow).
- physical hunger will disappear (not really hungry yet b/c of all of the eating i did 2 days prior to right now. i might start getting hungry later. i probably will. but if i don’t great. fasting is so much easier when i don’t get very hungry which DOES happen sometimes).
- more engergized and mental clarity (not yet. that will be nice tho).
- enter ketosis (i wish. not yet).
- wake up earlier (ate so much yesterday and had a hard time waking up so not yet)
- experience super high energy days and super low energy days (today is super duper low energy. i wonder if i’m slightly sick.)
- headaches and irritability (YES - MAIN SYMPTOMS!!)
- fewer #2’s. (not yet. i can’t wait to have a huge #2 actually).
i’m proud of myself for jumping right into a fast today. we had a bunch of folks over yesterday for Easter so there’s tons of delicious food leftover and it’s ALL in my house.
this morning, that german chocolate cake was beckoning me to eat some.
“you can have this cake now and then start tomorrow.”
NO! i said.
“and then after you have this, you can have other yummy leftovers. and really go nuts with eating just ONE MORE DAY. then start tomorrow.”
NO! I said.
“You’re a little bit hungry. there’s 2 kinds of ice cream to go with that cake.”
NO! i said.
“you’ve been doing so well with all this fasting. you deserve one more day of a binge party.”
NO! i said. the scale is going to be bad enough tomorrow even though I AM fasting today.
“so what’s one more day. come on! you look great. everyone says so.”
NO! i said. I’m fasting today. that was on my plan. i’m sticking to it no matter what. i’m getting on the accountability call at 2 pm. you can talk to me and talk to me and i’m just going to keep saying no. i know all of your underhanded tricks. all the ways you will try to get me to eat. guess what? not gonna work. my plan is fasting these 4.5 days. i’m 20 hours in so it’s really almost 3.5 days.
“some of your clothes are too loose right now. you need to gain some weight or keep what you’ve gained on to grow into them.”
NO! see above. i’m good. i feel so gross and bloated right now. i like feeling light. i like going to bed with an empty stomach. that feels good to me now. i sounded like the trumpet section in an orchestra last night with all of my farting. i would prefer to get laid again someday thank you. with trumpet ass, it’s going to limit my ability to fulfill that desire.
i am STILL feeling really bloated and it’s just not a good feeling. i felt so bloated yesterday even during my party. my mind is fuzzy. it’s hard to think. i actually feel like my brain is coated in a thin layer of King’s Hawaiian dinner roll material. it’s like a webbing of sweet roll wrapped around me to keep me from thinking too hard.
once my stomach felt as if it had a cenimeter of extra space, i’d have another hawaiian sweet dinner roll. they provide no satiety whatsoever. i can eat a package of 16 without any problem. and then be hungry in an hour.
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I’m on day 2. 5 hours short of being done with day 2. Feel pretty good but really not in the mood to work so I barely did anything. Not really proud of that. but that’s real.
this was from Tuesday 4/6/21. forgot to post…
Just did 2 hours of coaching for my friend Emily. We figured out she hasn’t been losing weight b/c she’s had no plan. Now she’s got a plan. 2 - 40 hour fasts per week. Then the other days she’s doing a protein shake for lunch and one meal at dinner. Fasting completely on Monday and Wednesday. Wine is only allowed on Friday and Saturday and then a maximum of 3 glasses.
I really want her to stick to it! She’s a lot of talk about trying. I’m like girl, you been trying to TRY for a year. She needed some coaching for real.
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today is a great day. got up before 6 am which never happens. scale was nice to me. getting there. prayed my rosary which i never did except as a kid growing up. then when my dad almost died from covid. printed off habit tracker for the week and added that on. i like doing it. sometimes i know i want to spend time with god. but i don’t know what to do during the time. this gives me structure. i could say the hail mary and our father in my sleep so while i’m saying it i can meditate on what jesus did for me. and i love the idea that mary is in heaven interceding on my behalf. i struggle a lot with motherhood so praying for this to change me. make me better. make me stronger. more patient. more loving. more loving is key. i’m hard on everyone. especially myself but also really hard on my baby who is only 6.5 years old. i tell her how much i love her all of the time. and how proud i am of her. but with how hard i am about everything, i don’t know if it’s sticking. feels great to get up so early and get a bunch of praying in! have a blessed day!
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great day. day 4 of 5. couldn’t sleep well last night. felt very hungry. but oh well. drank some tea. read. listened to music. kinda sucked but i didn’t take my benadryl last night b/c i didn’t want to feel groggy today and so i guess it helps me quite a bit esp stay asleep.
no biggie. i am not nearly as tired when i fast anyway. tomorrow i planned on breaking my fast at lunch with a potential client but we might have to change it. i’ve had a slight sore throat since monday. she’s got a newborn baby so i am going to do full disclosure and let her decide. i had covid in jan so i just don’t know you know. if we don’t have lunch, i won’t break my fast tomorow, at least not at lunch. i weighed 139.8 today. i know it’s only 0.2# below 140 - but even getting in the 140s was exciting so this makes me incredulous
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Did not end up staying on my fast yesterday broke last night with OMAD. but did talk to yas about it first a couple of times. she said plan what you will eat and so i did. i am very happy to report i ate and didn’t go off the deep end. i had my dinner of brussel sprouts, homemade chicken nachos and for dessert one count it ONE cookie. it was a festivus miracle!
i took my dog out for a walk pretty much right after and i do believe that helped. it was kind of yucky outside so it was a labor of love but it made me feel alive.
i was just so tired. i had a headache. i’ve been fasting A LOT. I just did the math. i fasted almost 22 days in march. I’ve fasted 5 days in the last 7. i’m kind of feeling fasted out.
I’m also happy to report that even ever eating a considerable meal last night - the scale was DOWN. yes i said it DOWN. woo hoo! 139.2 so that’s 0.6#.
But even tho i say i’m tired of fasting, i’m still scared of eating. it feels like i’m getting on a tight rope when i eat. like i don’t know if i’m going to do OMAD or oBAD. I am so sick of binging. i talked to my friend laura yesterday. she said she’s stopped beating herself up for all of it. if she overdoes it oh well.
she said don’t not overeat b/c you’re bad if you do. don’t overeat b/c you’re making yourself physically sick. i tried keeping that in mind last night. i ate dinner then i actually got myself 2 cookies for dessert. took a bite of the one which was delicous and ate and enjoyed that one. the other wasn’t too good so that one was just the one bite then i threw all of them away (or that one but i am going to throw them all away today when i think about it b/c they suck).
then when i went for the walk with my dog i was full and maybe 0.5% uncomfortable from being full. i remember reading once that you should be able to take a brisk walk after you eat and be comfortable. so that i’m going to keep in mind today when i do my OMAD.
i vow it will NOT turn into obad. i know what we are eating for dinner. i know my daughter REALLY wants to have ice cream after dinner. ONCE AGAIN, that seems like getting on the tight rope. maybe i’ll stop and buy a salad to eat with dinner, as I know what we are eating is quite unhealthy and i tend to eat too much too fast of it and then end up overly full.
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I just wanted to say your journal gives me so much power. Thank you for sharing Liz.
You are going grate! I have a special connection with your journel because I am struggling with binge eating. When I struggle, I try OBAD like you, instead of turning the day a huge binging day. You gave me the idea and it really helped me a lot. I see your struggle, but you are doing amazing. It is clear that you are very strong, wonderful and beautiful lady. Again, you are giving me power and thank you so much for sharing your adventure!!!
OMG thank you so much for saying that! i am glad my journey helped you. i didn’t know anyone even read my stuff 
today is day 2 of fasting. Saturday night was oBAD super bad. i had dinner out with my husband and friends at very expensive restaurant. we’ve been there before about a year ago and this time it just wasn’t that great. it was good but for the price - i’d rather have gone to texas roadhouse 3 times lol.
sooooo i was feeling deprived. stopped at culvers and got a big chocolate waffle cone on the way home. stopped at gas station and got a share sized mini starbursts. note to starbursts lovers - the mini unwrapped ones suck ass. not even like regular starbursts. so again, i was feeling deprived.
went to pickup my kid at grandmas. grandma has candy and crap everywhere. it’s ridiculous. so i ate 2 powdered sugar donnettes. 8 tootsie rolls. got home and just plowed through the kitchen. dry cornflakes. mini cadbury eggs. finished off strawberry ice cream. flaming hot hot fries. finished off french vanilla ice cream and added caramsel to it. pistacios.
woke up yesterday morning with a bellyache. shocking right?!? felt mentally like crap. beating myself up but then i kept saying to myself - this was PLANNED oBAD. yes, you went crazy but you had planned on going crazy so it’s OKAY!!!
i have not been weighing myself sometimes day after oBAD or even for 2 days after but i was curious about the damage. i was 144.6 so up 4.6. i knew if i weighed myself that would give me more motivation to fast all day. it was on my plan to fast on sunday but Lord knows how EASY it is to talk myself out of fasting. especially on a sunday. it’s so easy to tell myself yes i said i’d fast but it’s still the weekend and besides tomorrow is monday so i have all week to lose what i gained.
but i did it!
i threw away the powder sugar donnettes i had been saving. mushed them up and threw in trash. sunday morning.
went to church. on the way home, started getting bad gas. horrible. but only lasted about an hour. but my husband and daughter were cracking up at how smelly it was. it was embarrassing. but they were just teasing. i need to lighten up sometimes which with all of that gas leaving my body, i guess technically i DID lighten up
then the 3 of us went to 6 flags amusement park. it was fun. they kept eating in front of me. of course they did! i knew that would be the case going in. i went on a ride that i knew would make me dizzy and it did. i literally was reciting the rosary during it. it’s fun but it needs to last half the time it does.
some weird dude was checking me out in the line. like he even caught my eye and did a little eye brow raise thing. i was not turned on. but a tiny part of me got a thrill that i’m looking so good these days.
at dinner saturday night my THINNEST friend told me she weighs 137. that day and days prior i’d been weighing 139-140 so that made me feel amazing. granted she just had a baby 4 months ago and she’s not looking all of that thin but STILL i’m telling you we were in the same vicinity.
i had decided on saturday i was done losing weight. but then i weighed saturday and was at 140 after being in 130’s for 2 days. i REALLY like being in 130’s so i’m going to set my goal weight at 137 and stay within 2 # of that. sure after an oBAD i might go into 140’s but for the most part i’ll be in the 130’s.
that sounds dumb but my vanity greatly enjoys it.
so that means right now i’m 5.8# from my goal. that’s kind of discouraging.
that being said, i’m looking at my weight and how it was still going down or at least maintaining when i was doing OMAD and how MUCH it went up when i did oBAD.
that’s enlightening. i’m making my calendar for the week right now. i’ve got lunch with a client on Thursday so that’s going to be the day i break my fast.
Sunday: fast 1
Monday: fast 2
Tuesday: fast 3
Wednesday: fast 4
Thursday: OMAD - lunch with clients
Friday: OMAD (BE CAREFUL!)
Saturday: OMAD (BE CAREFUL! MOM’S BIRTHDAY PARTY)
Sunday: FAST 1
Saturday is my mom’s birthday party. i know there’s going to be good and snacky food around starting at 2 pm when we are supposed to get there. once again, here’s the tightrope. hate it.
maybe i need to create another OMAD strategy between OMAD that i normally strive for and oBAD that causes me to gain 4+ pounds.
I’m making myself a fullness scale now that i will post when i figure it out. i’m trying to come up with cute acronyms so i can remember it.
my mom and husband are saying to stop losing weight so they aren’t going to like that i’m fasting so much again this week. i’ll try to keep it on the down low. i keep saying i’m almost at my goal. my original goal was 140 and now i’m saying i’m lowering it.
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Liz’s Personal Improving Binging Hunger Scale
1-4 = Hungry. (duh).
5-6 = Neutral. Not Yet Satisfied But Close.
Realistically could stop eating here but you really don’t want to b/c you’re just not satisfied yet physically. Should eat a bit more. Stopping at a 5-6 is your diet mentality telling you to stop because it says that if you are satisfied, then you won’t lose weight. And you need to lose weight (says the diet mentality). Eat a bit more to win the gold medal.
7 = GOLD STANDARD / MEDAL – Physically Satisfied but not too full.
happy body; happy mind. your body is satisfied and you got to eat some yummy food. But don’t overthink things; If you’re overthinking - the “must lose weight / always dieting” part of you is telling you that you shouldn’t eat to this level b/c after all – you’re satisfied! But this is satisfied and not less than satisfied. Remember that being less than satisfied isn’t the goal b/c that’s when you tend to slide into a binge. You’re physically comfortably full but not overly so. Brisk walk test: You can do it and be very comfortable. There’s no physical discomfort. You might be up or down 1 or God forbid even 2# tomorrow. You’re not “bad” if the scale goes up and you’re not “good” if it goes down b/c it’s just a fluctuation. You’re okay either way b/c you know you did just great with OMAD. You’re not going to have to fast immediately b/c of what scale tells you. You can do OMAD again tomorrow and everyday if this is where you are when you stop eating.
8 = SILVER MEDAL. Overate but not a binge.
THIS IS STILL A WIN AND IT’S STILL GREAT PROGRESS; human brain says no to more eating b/c your body is now physically uncomfortable. You exercise your human brain and your self control and stop eating NOW. The PIG is squealing because the PIG wants your human brain to lose control and start on a binge. The PIG is telling you that you blew it already and that you’re going to need to fast anyway now b/c you already overate. Therefore, squeals the PIG, don’t stop eating – it tastes so good! Come on let’s binge – there’s more yummy food - says the PIG. Human brain laughs at the PIG and says I am NOT the PIG. The PIG is trying to destroy me! All that PIG wants to do is binge. The human brain also knows that you will greatly minimize the damage on the scale by stopping now and you stop eating this very moment. Brisk walk test: you could do it but would not be feeling too well b/c you’re physically uncomfortable; you’re somewhere between a little and somewhat uncomfortable.
9 = BRONZE MEDAL. Binged but stopped before Pig wanted to.
STILL MAKING PROGRESS B/C IT IS STILL BETTER THAN A 10 - some binging ; your human brain and the PIG had and are continuing to have a standoff: human brain SCREAMING no – you don’t want to keep binging b/c every bite makes you feel worse physically; the PIG is SCREAMING yes I want more binging. You’ve already been letting your PIG rule b/c you let the PIG control your human brain momentarily and started binging. BUT YOU’RE STOPPING THE BINGE NOW because you put your human brain back in control. Your PIG could keep binging b/c there’s still more tasty food available and there is some room available in your stomach; the PIG is still encouraging you to just keep going on this binge; but human brain regains control at this point and you stop binging; even though you binged some – you stopped before you ate as much as the PIG would have wanted. Brisk walk test: you would be very uncomfortable going on a brisk walk.
10 = UNDESIRABLE – Binged ala Full on Pig Control
All out binge; ill physically; turned off human brain; the PIG is just like EAT EAT EAT; KEEP EATING until you can’t eat anymore; at this point your PIG is just binging b/c you’re on a binge and the PIG has binged until there is no ability to binge further. Brisk Walk Test: what’s a walk?
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very happy with this scale I’ve created to gauge when i’m stopping eating when I do eat. stopping is the hardest part!
I’d told my husband last night that I was going to eat today. This morning the scale said 139.8 and as you know, i love the 130s. so i did already tell my husband i probably won’t be eating now that i saw that weight. maybe tomorrow. although since i’m saying maybe, that’s not a committment. so i need to commit to fasting right now. one more day. i’ll eat Wednesday dinner.
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I did break my fast last night. i was scared. how insane that is? I am afraid to eat. Why? b/c it’s so hard for me to stop eating once i start. I feel like i’m about to step onto a tight rope whenever i do eat.
But I did okay. Not horrible anyway. i finished dinner then i was having a pretty heated discussion with my husband. I was already considering eating a little candy and that sealed the deal of yep, i’m eating the candy. so i did. then i ate a little more.
then i stopped. i had a little meeting with myself and i said liz - you overate yes. you binged a little yes. but it was only about 500 calories and in my world, a 500 calorie binge isn’t bad at all. so i was like be done and move on. i’m now recording what my binges are based on my own personal scale that i created yesterday. i’d call that a 9 out of 10 which means i started binging but i stopped myself in the middle. and thankfully, i stopped when the damage was still minimal.
later in the night my husband was in the basement running on the treadmill and my daughter was in bed. prime binging time! and i definitely thought about it b/c there’s some cereal in my pantry right now and i love me some cereal to binge on. i can really get some mindless crunching going on.
but then i told myself no, you already had more than you needed. it’s not going to be too much damage. so even though you’re still upset and you’re alone, that doesn’t mean you should just go crazy only b/c u already binged a little. GO TO BED. is what i told myself.
and that’s what i did. i would actually call this a huge victory for me. this stopping binging after only 500 extra calories and not binging more when i was alone later. so all in all, i’m actually really really happy with the progress i’ve made. i’m eating again tonight which makes me really happy. i have a client lunch tomorrow. so that means OMAD for lunch which i flipping hate b/c once i’ve eaten lunch it’s hard for me to call it a day with eating. but i’ve done it before. maybe i’ll have a small dinner. we’ll see. i do want to stop obsessing so much about losing and just try to be a normal human for awhile and eat daily.
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i did OMAD again last night and i did better than the night before with it so i’m super proud of myself! I stopped at a level 8 which is i overate and was a little bit uncomfortable. but i wasn’t ill and i didn’t binge. i just overate. huge progress. i am celebrating myself today.
my one friend who was starting a fasting program last week called me last night. she’s struggling now. i talked to her for a long time and i could hear myself and i sounded good. we really ARE owho we tell ourselves we are. if i say “i’m weak. i can’t do this.” or even “i’ll TRY to fast tomorrow.” guess what? we can’t do it! we will TRY and whoops - failed - at fasting. i said that’s it. you get to decide.don’t fast to make me happy. i love you either way. but why did you start this program in the first place? did you think not eating for 40 hours in a row was going to be fun and easy? fuck no!
not easy. that’s why people don’t do it! It really is hard. then she went into this whole thing about “this isn’t sustainable. you can’t live like this?” i said you’re right. if you say it’s not sustainable and that you can’t live like this then you can’t. i live like this. but only YOU can decide that for yourself.
i said don’t you know people who forget to eat? and they might go a day without eating? simply b/c they were busy and forgot? it happens to some people.
i said you just have to tell yourself that. i’m so busy and thin that i forgot to eat. why not? no one but you knows your thoughts. it doesn’t hurt to tell yourself that when you’re fasting. you might even start to believe it.
she loves the word try. put try in one hand and shit in the other and see which one fills up first. you need to stop trying and start doing honey. do what you want. i’m continuing on this fasting lifestyle. i look the best i have in 24 years. i’ve been doing a lot of fasting since July so 10 months. i took a break and binged for a couple of months and gained some (read: most) of the weight I had lost back. but i knew what to do to lose it. and this time, i’m committed to STOP BINGING.
because i didn’t gain weight b/c i went back to eating. i gained b/c i went back to BINGING. getting up a lot of times in the middle of the night and getting ritz crackers or candy. peanut butter. cereal. you name it - i was getting out of bed to eat it. sneaking out of my bedroom trying not to awaken my husband.
total closet eating. that’s not what i’m doing anymore. in fact, i don’t remember the last time i got out of bed to binge. to a lot of people that probably sounds crazy. but that was JUST ONE of the behaviors that i’ve let go of. i’ve got a note taped to my wall that says “Liz - don’t get out of bed to eat. Love, Your Human Brain.”
That helps solidify my decision. my friend kind of pissed me off, just a litlte because she is like “motivate me.” i’m like i’ll remind you of the things YOU said. but you really have to motivate yourself. no one can do it for you.
no one is going to hold a gun to your head and be like put down the donut. i guess it COULD happen but the chances are slim.
and you are not.
lol.
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Hi @lizgistics!
You got a lot going on in that head of yours. 
I have the same thing sometimes, and I don’t have a husband or any kids. Just a spinster trying to get along.
I like your binging scale 
We all come into this with years of bad programming and just want to turn things around in 5 minutes. But we need to write new programs, and then hard wire them in. Repetition of the habits we want to enforce is really the only way. Keep focus on what you do want.
Just curious. You say your daughter is 6. Have you had a talk with her about mom is fasting?
Sounds like things have been rough. The biggest step to recovery is coming to the truth of the situation and it looks like you have already taken that step. Great job! Now, just to keep pressing forward!
You got this!