Good - you know all about it then 
. I can’t wait until I can do shorter fasts (48’s or even OMAD) as I get pretty grumpy by day 3. But I can’t argue with the results…
Liz’s fasting journal
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bad night again last night. binged on girl scout cookies. talked myself right into it. ate them while dinner was cooking. what the heck. i have been reading brain over binge. so far it just makes me think about binging even more. i can’t seem to seperate the desire to binge (animal brain) and my desire to not binge (human brain) disconnected. i freaking cried a bunch on the fasting accountability call. i don’t even know why minus being a little mad at myself. that’s not a new feeling and it’s not something i would typically cry about.
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It’s just a bump in the road! Recovery from bingeing, or any destructive habit, is a process that involves little set backs. Just little blips on the map of recovery. When I trip up, I have to remember that I am still growing and to forgive myself. Guilt just makes me want to binge more. Overall, you are working hard and doing great!
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Those Girl Scout cookies are really hard not to binge on. I have never just had a few!
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woo hoo! praise jesus! i made it through yesterday and stayed on my fast. i finally admitted to myself and others that one reason i was having such a hard time every day is because i was smoking pot. that makes everything harder plus smoking is obviously unhealthy. one of the ladies in my fasting group suggested CBD that won’t get me high or give me the munchies. we have some stores around here and this week i am going to go check it out and see if it’s something i want to try. so one day fasted from food and pot! this is indeed a great day. i went to bed at 10 pm and right as i was walking through the kitchen i thought “i could just have a little food.” and i thought no! just go to bed! you’re tired and that’s why you are thinking of food because i really wasn’t even hungry. i stayed busy yesterday. took all of my tax papers to the accountant. worked. went for an hour and twenty minute walk. it was GORGEOUS outside here yesterday. unseasonably nice weather so i just kept walking. i have to go to a funeral today and then work and then take my daughter to taekwondo and then home and then online Bible zoom study so i should be able to stay on my fast again since i’ll be running and busy all day. that’s what i really need to do is stay very busy. and when i am smoking pot i just want to sit around and either eat or think about eating. god i pray today i will stay on my fast from food and pot. please help me! in jesus’ name. amen!
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Make sure you get “Full Spectrum” CBD or else it’ll be a waste of money. You’re doing great!
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i made it through yesterday both fasting food and pot. it has been easier not to smoke pot knowing that it makes fasting food so much harder. usually i smoke pot because i tell myself i need SOMETHING!
But i really don’t. i don’t need my daugher’s gummy vitamins, sugar free gum, cough drops, diet drinks, or tums. i was doing all of those the last several fasts and i think it was making everything a lot harder…not to mention causing my stomach to hurt and my digestive system to go haywire.
now i’m doing coffee with cream in the morning, broth, sparkling water and herbal tea and that is it. and the scale is rewarding me!
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I’m over half way through my 4th day. It’s been kind of hard today. Someone in my brain is saying i’m hungry. Also staying off pot this entire fast. And staying off all of the cheating i was doing on other fasts: gummy vitamins, Tums, diet soda, sugar free cough drops (none of it was needed of course for an actual problem.
Had a hard time sleeping last night. prob b/c i was out until 10 PM. First dinner with a few friends for one of her birthday’s. I showed up 30 min late which was perfect b/c that’s right when their food arrived. I ordered a hot tea. Made it!
Then my girls prayed for me b/c i told them i’m struggling with quitting food and pot. I didn’t ask them to do it. The gesture really touched me and i was crying.
can i PUH-LEESE stop crying this week? LOL. i’m not used to feeling emotions really. i am 42 years old and i know it’s a part of life. but i’ve found ways to stay numb.
i’m scared i can’t handle this weekend. i’m scared i’m falling off all of the healthy wagons i’m on.
but i know i am stronger than the fears. i know i’m stronger than any temptation.
i weighed 150 today. i haven’t seen that weight since October 2020. obviously being on day 4 of fasting, i know some would come right back on if i ceased fasting now.
BUT, i still like seeing a lower number.
the 140’s actually scare me too. in the past, i panic or something when i get in the 140’s. i am not really sure why. my GUESS would be fear of men being interesteed in me. i’ve never liked having breasts or men learing at me in general. so weird b/c i do wear makeup and cute clothes (well, I think they are cute) when i go out.
i like to be attractive, but not too attractive. i mean come on who am i kidding? 42 isn’t really an age where men are learing at women anymore any way! i spent my 20s and 30s slightly overweight. always thought i wasn’t good enough to attract a good guy.
when i met my husband, i was shocked he was interested b/c i thought i was fat. i think i weighed around 170 when we met. i thought he was cute. i wasn’t blown away by how hot he was. more blown away by how well he treated me and how much fun we had together.
i do believe God brought us together. i have to remember that occassionally when i think of calling a divorce lawyer b/c the Bible does say something to the effect of what God brought together, let no man tear apart.
if anyone is still reading this, wow. i am literally only still writing b/c i’m waiting for a client to call me back. i need to take my dog for a walk but it’s chilly out and i don’t want to. but i’ve been doing that habit everyday for 14 days and i love having it as a habit so i’m going.
my fasting accountability coach Yaz is doing a book group right now on Atomic Habits. I’ve been reading Brain Over Binge instead of the Atomic Habits book because i had 2 binges this week - Sun and Mon and was her suggestion.
But i’m flipping through it b/c she did make a suggestion to change your identity. I don’t know what that means exactly except act as if and then do the actions a person with the identity you want would perform.
2 steps:
- decide the type of person you want to be.
- prove it to yourself with small wins.
what kind of person do i want to be?
I want to have a clean lifestyle. I want to be a good role model for my daughter and husband. i used to drink a shit-ton. like daily, alcoholic, sneaking drinks type of person. i stopped that nonsense 4 years ago. i also used to smoke a shit-ton of pot. when i first quit drinking i quit pot too. that lasted about 11 months. then we moved and i just kind of let myself indulge.
and keep on indulging. fast forward 3 years and i was back to almost a daily pot smoker again.
nothing zaps my interest in accomplishing anything like pot.
all i cared about was getting high. watching the clock…can i get high? and sometimes even getting high much earlier in the day than i care to admit and ruining my whole day. that happened a lot.
i would try to convince myself that it was okay. i wasn’t doing anything anyway so who gives a shit?
deep down - I gave a shit. i knew i wasn’t being the best i could be. i knew i was living in a fog. i knew i was a shell of the person God made me to be.
But it’s so easy to keep smoking. “i’m gonna kick this habit someday.”
a year goes by.
“I really do need to kick this habit.”
a year goes by.
“okay this year for realzies, I’m gonna kick this habit.”
the time is now. i fucking hate it. i promised myself i’m not talking negative anymore, but i want any person still reading to realize that THIS is my crytonite. this is a huge part of binging for me. i binged before i smoked pot. i binged plenty the times when i was clean. but i am at least in my semi-right mind when i’m not high.
when i’m high all bets are off.
don’t give me a credit card when i’m high. i’ll book a trip to California (I live in MO). that’s happened a few times.
contacting a guy i had crush on in college on FB? yep. did that when i was high.
accidentally posted a photo of a marijuana plant as my COVER PHOTO on FB? yep, did that when i was high.
i think i’ve proven my point that i’m not doing my best clear thinking when i’m high.
so I’m clean.
I’m a person who only ingests healthy things.
i’m a person who WANTS to be clean and is clean.
that’s sort of a lie but i’m going with it. the devil in my head says you don’t want to be clean. then you’ll be boring. there’s a tiny part of me that believes me.
i’m a person who wants to smell fresh.
I’m a person who thinks clearly.
i’m a person who always has control of herself.
i’m a person who doesn’t fly off the handle and lose her mind when she’s angry or upset.
still working on this one. i have a history of being a hot head. and that’s just unpleasant on everyone who lives with you.
I’m a person who doesn’t live in guilt.
again, a hard one. mom guilt / wife guilt has dominated my thinking in the past.
i’m a person who takes her dog on walks daily.
i’m a person who strength trains at least twice a week.
i’m a person who enjoys challenging her body with physical exercise.
i’m a person who is at a healthy weight where i feel really good about how i look in a swimsuit.
not there on pretty much any of that right now minus the dog walking.
i’m a person who folds the clothes as soon as they come out of the dryer instead of piling them in a basket.
need to work on that.
i’m a person who sets boundaries and doesn’t make plans with people i don’t like too much.
need to work on that. i guess it’s a good problem to have and i’m grateful it’s not the opposite. but i find myself being friends with people and investing my free time in people that i just frankly don’t like very much. i don’t know how to break up with a friend.
one friend i recently have been ghosting. not replying to any of her messages. i caved last night and texted her back…i just don’t know how to handle those situations.
i have some people at church who want to be my friend and same thing, i just don’t really want to be friends with them but i feel like i have to since they like me so much.
my husband is puzzled by my behavior. he doesn’t get how i get myself immersed in these friendships i don’t want to be in. i guess the solution is to be cognizant when i’m starting to get sucked in and put the brakes on a little more until i get to know someone better.
i had one friend i don’t like recently tell me that i hurt her feelings a lot. and she had a laundry list of times. i said okay well i’m sorry that i offeneded you. wasn’t my intention. i’m actually being on my best behavior so if you don’t want to be around me that’s TOTALLY fine with me. in fact, didn’t say this to her, but that is PREFERABLE to me! i don’t even like you honey bunny!
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yesterday sucked ass. i had a freaking emotional meltdown. yelled at everyone in my family and just in general lost my mind. but i apologized and stayed fasting marijuana and food. today is day 5. note to anyone out there who thinks it’s a good idea to try to fast from food AND simultaneously give up a mood-altering drug they have been addicted to for 13 years - not the greatest plan unless you want your family to lock you up. or maybe you have more control over your emotions than i do. have a great day!
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i’m at 6 1/2 days. only 36 hours left. i haven’t decided on this but might break my fast monday night. or might just wait until tuesday at lunch with my client. i want to wait but i’m afraid i’ll have major gastrointestinal problems and the restaurant is 30 min from my house so that is concerning.
yesterday was not terrible. i actually didn’t crave marijuana very much at all. i really wanted to eat last night tho. was at my neighbor’s cul de sac party. everyone snacking and drinking a lot. considering i don’t drink alcohol, gave up pot, and am on a fast…yeah, not the best party for me!
my husband had fun tho and that was great. he needs to hang out with males more often. he’s a lot happier when he does. ever since we had a kid and so did our friends, we just don’t see friends as often. very happy to be making friends in the neighborhood. that makes it a lot easier when we don’t have to drive 20-30 minutes one way to see someone.
left the party early. i am usually really good at socializing but last night i felt awkward. like i was saying cuss words out of nervousness and i don’t THINK they cared, but they don’t really curse. ugh. i just felt nervous. possibly worried slightly they were going to call me out on not eating so could have been part of it.
also during the day saw a couple of our best friends and their 3 kids. brand new baby. no thank you! but i’m very happy for them. took them over 3 years to get pregnant with her and they are over the moon. my friend is such a good mom too. full time pharmacist. husband is full time union electrician. 3 kids - ages 6, 5 and 3 months. no thanks. but God bless them for real they make it look easy and fun. i’d be in a psych unit lol.
i’ve known them for 13 years and about 7 years me and the lady were pregnant at the same time and got really close. anyway, they are great people and it really really made my heart so happy to see them all.
came home early from the party at the neighbors. took a bath. drank hot tea. could not fall asleep even though i laid down at around 11. i was still awake until 1 for sure when my husband got home. then he turned on the TV in our room to really annoying classical music and the noise and the light was really annoying so i went in the guest room bed. i think i ended up falling asleep pretty fast.
just fitful sleep. weird dreams. i felt so hungry yesterday and today again. and kind of dizzy right now. headache but i think that’s from crap sleep.
praying i start feeling better and not hungry. i really do feel physically hungry. i wasn’t hungry at all on day 6 last time.
my husband also told our good friends that i hadn’t eaten since monday. i just kind of blew it off . but it was uncomfortable. i don’t want my fasting or not fasting to be a topic of conversation.
my resolution is to not tell anyone and try very hard not to talk about it.
thank you god that i didn’t errupt or blow up in anger at anyone yesterday. i need to keep that up!
also got a pedicure and my brows waxed with my friend in the morning yesterday. that was really nice. hadn’t done that in many many months. since june of 2020 i think. now i’m all beautiful. probably will get stopped by a modeling agent soon asking me to sign with them. lol
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Just want you to know I enjoy reading your posts. I can relate to a lot of it. I too find myself swearing unnecessarily when nervous or feel uncomfortable… I am usually good at socializing too but then suddenly have to apologize for swearing but then do it again? Funny to read that part … keep going forward. You’re doing great!!
thanks ms. stacia! i didn’t think anyone read them but it is very therapeutic for me to write so i just plowed ahead. cursing is a lifelong problem for me. i didn’t used to care if i offended anyone. but now i’m 42 and was hanging out with people i barely know and you just never know how people receive that kind of language. i personally love cursing and enjoy when others cuss. lol
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Day 7 of 7!!! Such a weird feeling but i feel like i could just keep going and going. the scale today was amazing. if you have ever seen National Lampoons Christmas Vacation - when Chevy Chase finally gets his 500 million christmas lights to come on and the angels sing “Hallelujah! Hallelujah!” that’s basically what happend when i stepped on the scale. So THAT makes me want to keep going.
I do have lunch with my client tomorrow so i don’t really HAVE to eat. it’s a lady. i am finding women are much more supportive when i have told them i’m fasting. they are like girl- i hear you. i’m a fat ass. lol. i had told her the last time we met that i might not be eating sometimes but if she doesn’t mind i’ll keep taking her to lunch b/c frankly even if she were not my client, i’d still hang out with her. i’m very blessed with so many wonderful people in my life and always have been.
That being said, i did tell my husband last night that i would eat tonight. he was happy! THEN my friend from church gave me a dress that she doesn’t want anymore and i tried it on. OMG i am SMOKING HOT in it if i do say so myself. i’m a teeny tiny bit too fat for it in the pouchy stomach area. but i still look amazing and my husband legit got a boner which Hello! who doesn’t want their man to be THAT attracted to them that they get aroused when you wear certain clothes.
i’m leaving for FL on Wednesday and now that i have this dress i’m sort of thinking maybe i’ll wait until Wednesday night or Thursday to eat again.
it’s interesting to me how fasting gets easier as you go. i think you just get used to not eating and having other things on your mind.
it’s been a huge help that i haven’t been smoking pot. i’m on day 7 of that too.
still emotional yesterday. cried a few times. but didn’t blow up at anyone or act like a raving lunatic so thank you Lord for that!
i’m a little concerned (or a lot concerned actually) about staying clean in FL. i only have one friend out of the 4 others going on this trip, who smokes pot. the rest do not. i told the one friend that smokes that there’s a good chance i won’t be smoking. she’s totally supportive and i know she won’t pressure me. in fact, we both quit drinking alcohol. she’s got about 2 years and i have about 4 years without booze. so she KNOWS very well about addiction.
that being said, i also KNOW very well about how tricky the devil in my head is. I have already been hearing the temptations which are as follows:
you are on vacation.
you can quit as soon as you get back.
just have a little bit this one time.
you need to relax.
you can quit again easily when you go back home.
you never get to have any fun.
you aren’t any fun if you don’t drink or use drugs.
everyone else gets to drink or use drugs. why can’t you?
you are too disciplined. just let go for once.
it will make you feel better to use.
you are lame if you won’t use.
you are boring if you won’t use.
no one is going to want to be around you if you are such a stick in the mud.
you won’t binge eat if you use.
you are on vacation. live a little! (that’s the loudest voice in my head!).
if you DON’T use on vacation, you are going to regret it.
the list goes on. now i’m going to answer each one of these temptations with TRUTH:
you are on vacation. YES I SURE AM AND I’LL REMEMBER IT AND FEEL SO MUCH BETTER ABOUT MYSELF IN THE LONG RUN IF I STAY CLEAN.
you can quit as soon as you get back. QUITTING IS HARD. ESPECIALLY THE FIRST FEW DAYS. ONCE YOU GET ON THIS ROLLER COASTER OF USING AGAIN, IT’S HARD TO QUIT AGAIN. 1 DAY TURNS INTO 2 DAYS, INTO A WEEK, INTO A MONTH, INTO A YEAR, INTO 3 YEARS. YOU HAVE PROVEN YOU ARE NOT ABLE TO DO A “LITTLE BIT” WHEN IT COMES TO DRUGS AND ALCOHOL. LOOK HOW MANY YEARS YOU HAVE WASTED BEING HIGH! YOU OWE IT TO YOURSELF, YOUR FAMILY, YOUR DAUGHTER, FUTURE GENERATIONS, AND YOUR BANK ACCOUNT TO DRAW A HARD LINE IN THE SAND AND SAY THIS IS IT. I’M DONE AND I’M NEVER EVER GOING BACK NO MATTER WHAT!
just have a little bit this one time. SEE ABOVE. IT’S NOT GOING TO BE JUST ONCE IF YOU USE ON THIS TRIP.
you need to relax. GO TAKE A BATH. CALL A FRIEND OR A FAMILY MEMBER. WATCH OR LISTEN TO SOMETHING FUNNY. GO FOR A WALK. THERE ARE MANY OTHER WAYS TO RELAX BESIDES USING DRUGS.
you can quit again easily when you go back home. IT’S NEVER BEEN EASY TO QUIT. IN FACT, IT IS VERY HARD TO QUIT AND SOMETIMES YOU AREN’T EVEN ABLE TO QUIT FOR MONTHS OR EVEN YEARS. YOU HAVE GOTTEN THROUGH THE HARD PART. JUST KEEP GOING. NO MATTER HOW YOU FEEL! FEELINGS PASS. THIS CRAVING WILL PASS. GET AWAY FROM THE WEED HONEY!
you never get to have any fun. YES, I DO HAVE FUN. AND WHEN I’M CLEAN I ACTUALLY HAVE MORE FUN BECAUSE I CAN HOLD MY HEAD UP HIGH AND BE PROUD OF WHO I AM AND THE CHOICES I MAKE. I CAN BE PROUD OF OVERCOMING DRUG ADDICTION AND ALCOHOLISM. I CAN BE AN EXAMPLE TO OTHERS STRUGGLING. MOST OF ALL, I CAN BE PRESENT FOR MY LIFE AND MY DAUGHTER. THAT MATTERS WAY MORE THAN THE FLEETING “FUN” OF GETTING HIGH. PLUS, REMEMBER ITALY? YES, CORRECT. YOU DON’T REMEMBER ENOUGH OF IT. WHY? BECAUSE YOU WERE HIGH. YOU CAN’T THINK WHEN YOU ARE HIGH. YOUR BRAIN ACTUALLY FEELS FUZZY. YOU FEEL ANXIOUS. SOMETIMES YOU FEEL REALLY REALLY ANXIOUS WHICH IS NOT FUN. YOU LOST YOUR AIR PODS WHEN YOU WERE HIGH. THERE GOES $140 OUT THE WINDOW. HOW FUN IS IT? YES, CORRECT, IT’S ACTUALLY NOT FUN AT ALL.
you aren’t any fun if you don’t drink or use drugs. I’M MORE FUN WHEN MY MIND IS WORKING CORRECTLY. FRANKLY, NO ONE LIKES YOU BETTER HIGH. SURE THEY MIGHT LIKE THAT I’M GETTING HIGH BUT THAT’S ONLY BECASUE THEY ARE GETTING HIGH AND IT MAKES THEM FEEL OKAY ABOUT THEMSELVES BECAUSE THEY AREN’T ALONE IN THE GETTING HIGH.
everyone else gets to drink or use drugs. why can’t you? BECAUSE YOU ARE AN ADDICT. YOU ARE LIVING A LEVEL 10 LIFE. WITH MUCH BLESSING AND ANNOINTING COMES MUCH RESPONSIBILITY. WHEN YOU ARE GIVEN A LOT, A LOT IS REQUIRED TO MAINTAIN IT. OTHERS CAN LIVE A HALF-ASS LIFE. THAT’S THEIR CHOICE. I’M LIVING BY DECISION, NOT BY FEELINGS. THIS FEELING OF CRAVING WILL PASS. LIZ YOU HAVE DECIDED TO BE CLEAN. PERIOD DOT. THAT’S IT. RIDE IT OUT. YOU CAN MAKE IT AND STAY CLEAN TODAY. IN THIS MINUTE. IN THIS HOUR. IN THIS DAY. IN THIS WEEK. JUST DO NOT PICK UP NO MATTER WHAT. IT’S YOUR ANIMAL BRAIN TELLING YOU TO USE BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT YOU FED FOR 13 YEARS ON AND OFF (MOSTLY ON!). SO OF COURSE IT’S NATURAL THAT YOUR ANIMAL BRAIN WOULD TELL YOU TO USE. THE MORE YOU STARVE THIS ANIMAL BRAIN, THE LESS AND LESS YOU WILL GET CRAVINGS. YOU HAVE SEEN ALREADY HOW MUCH THEY HAVE DIMISHED. KEEP FIGHTING THE GOOD FIGHT AND STAY CLEAN. YOUR ANIMAL BRAIN CANNOT MAKE YOU USE MARIJUANA. ONLY YOUR HUMAN BRAIN CAN DO THAT. BUT YOU ARE IN CONTROL. LET THE ANIMAL BRAIN CRY AND WHINE AS MUCH AS IT WANTS TO. IT HONESTLY PROBABLY WON’T DO THAT FOR LONG. BUT EVEN IF IT DOES, YOUR HUMAN BRAIN IS WHAT CONTROLS YOUR ARMS AND MOUTH. YOUR HUMAN BRAIN IS WHAT MAKES YOUR BODY ACTUALLY PICK UP SOMETHING AND PUT IT IN YOUR MOUTH. DON’T PLACATE YOUR ANIMAL BRAIN. IT’S ACTUALLY THE DEVIL TRYING TO MAKE YOU USE. WHAT DOES THE DEVIL WANT? TO DESTROY YOU. ANNIHILATE YOU. MAKE YOU A SLAVE AGAIN TO DRUG ADDICTION. DESTROY YOUR FAMILY. MAKE HORRIBLE CHOICES. NO THANKS. NOT TODAY SATAN!
you are too disciplined. just let go for once. SEE ABOVE. IT WON’T BE ONCE. YOU WILL GET RIGHT BACK ON THE ROLLER COASTER WITH NO END IN SIGHT.
it will make you feel better to use. SEE ABOVE. IT WILL MAKE YOUR HEAD FEEL SPINNING AND HEAVY AND IT WILL PROBABLY MAKE YOU ANXIOUS AND GET SOCIAL ANXIETY BECAUSE YOU START WORRRYING WAY TOO MUCH ABOUT STUPID STUFF.
you are lame if you won’t use. SEE ABOVE. I AM LAME IF I DO USE.
you are boring if you won’t use. SEE ABOVE. YOU ARE BORING IF YOU DO USE. HOW BORING IS IT TO BE AROUND SOMEONE WHO IS WASTED? IT’S MORE THAN BORING - IT’S ACTUALLY UNPLEASANT BECAUSE YOU KNOW THAT PERSON ISN’T REALLY EXPERIENCING YOUR COMPANY ANYWAY. THEY ARE IN ANOTHER WORLD.
no one is going to want to be around you if you are such a stick in the mud. ANYONE WHO DOESN’T WANT TO BE AROUND ME BECAUSE I’M NOT USING DRUGS ISN’T SOMEONE I WANT TO BE AROUND. I’M STRIVING FOR A BETTER LIFE. A HEALTHIER ONE. I WANT TO SURROUND MYSELF WITH PEOPLE WHO ARE OUT TO MAKE THEIR LIVES BETTER. PEOPLE WHO WANT TO LIVE AT LEVEL 10 FOR GOD AND FOR THEIR FAMILIES AND FOR THEMSELVES. ONLY A LOSER WOULD THINK I’M A LOSER FOR TAKING GOOD CARE OF MYSELF.
you won’t binge eat if you use. YES YOU WILL. THAT’S ACTUALLY THE MAIN REASON YOU QUIT USING IN THE FIRST PLACE. BECAUSE YOU LITERALLY COULD NOT STOP BINGE EATING WHILE YOU WERE USING. YOU LOSE CONTROL. EVERY SINGLE TIME ALMOST. PAIR USING WITH VACATION AND YOU HAVE A RECIPE FOR GAINING 10# IN A WEEK. YOU KNOW WHAT IT TAKES TO LOSE 10#. A LOT OF DISCIPLINE AND IT’S HARD. IT’S SO NOT WORTH IT TO USE BECAUSE IT 1,000% WILL LEAD TO BINGING AND PROLONGED SEVERAL DAYS OF BINGING BECAUSE YOU HAVE BEEN SO DISCIPLINED. AND WHEN YOU AREN’T IN YOUR RIGHT MIND, YOU THINK YOU DESERVE TO BINGE. BUT AGAIN, THAT’S A TRICK OF THE DEVIL! OF COURSE HE WANTS YOU TO USE AND BINGE. THAT’S HOW HE CATCHES YOU IN HIS TRAP. IT COULD BE YEARS AND YEARS BEFORE YOU GET OFF OF THAT ROLLER COASTER AGAIN. DON’T GIVE THE DEVIL AN OPENING. HE KNOWS SMOKING ONE HIT OF POT OR EATING ONE PIECE OF MARIJUANA ANYTHING WILL GET YOU RIGHT BACK ON THE TRAIN TO SELF DESTRUCTION. AND ULTIMATELY WHEN YOU DESTROY YOURSELF, YOU ARE DESTROYING YOUR DAUGHTER’S CHANCES IN LIFE. SHE NEEDS A MOM WHO SHOWS HER WHAT A HEALTHY WOMAN DOES. SHE DOESN’T NEED MORE BAD EXAMPLES OF PEOPLE WHO LIVE TO SATISFY EVERY FLESHLY DESIRE.
you are on vacation. live a little! (that’s the loudest voice in my head!). SEE ABOVE. REAL LIVING IS LIVING CLEAN. YOU ARE ALSO ON VACATION FROM BEING SELF-DESTRUCTIVE. EVERY DAY YOU MOVE AWAY FROM THAT ROLLER COASTER AND YOU STAY CLEAN, LIFE GETS BETTER. YOU GET CLOSER TO YOUR DREAMS. YOU ARE FREE WHEN YOU ARE CLEAN. YOU ARE BOUND IN CHAINS WHEN YOU DO USE. BEING BOUND IN CHAINS ISN’T VACATION. IT’S PRISON AND ONLY YOU HAVE THE CONTROL OVER YOURSELF. NO ONE CAN STAY CLEAN FOR YOU. IN FACT, THE DEVIL HAS LAND MINES EVERYWHERE AND HE IS SETTING THEM UP LIKE CRAZY TRYING TO GET YOU TO STEP ON ONE. DON’T TAKE THE BAIT. AVOID THAT SHIT LIKE THE PLAGUE. IT’S WORSE THAN THE PLAGUE. BEING BOUND UP IN ADDICTION IS THE SHITTIEST FEELING IN THE WORLD. SELF HATRED AND REGRET IS NO VACATION. FREEDOM! THAT’S VACATION. YOUR LIFE IS GREAT WHEN YOU STAY CLEAN. SURE IT CAN BE ROUGH LIVING LIFE SOMETIMES. BUT THE ALTERNATIVE IS HIDING FROM IT. BURYING YOUR HEAD IN THE SAND AND AVOIDING PROBLEMS. AVOIDING FEELING EMOTIONS. THAT’S NO LIFE AT ALL. I REBUKE THE DEVIL AND ALL OF HIS EVIL SCHEMES AND PLOTS TO GET ME HIGH. MY GOD IS SO MUCH BIGGER. I CAN DO ALL THINGS THROUGH CHRIST WHO STRENGTHENS ME. NO WEAPON FORMED AGAINST ME SHALL PROSPER. I HAVE A HIDING PLACE IN GOD. GRAB YOUR BIBLE. READ PSALM 91. HE’S GOT YOU IN THE PALM OF HIS HAND. HE’S MY SHELTER AND MY FORTRESS. WHEN YOU ARE AT THE END OF YOUR ROPE - TIE A KNOT AND HANG ON. JESUS IS CARRYING YOUR BURDEN FOR YOU. HE DIED FOR YOU. YOU AREN’T SUFFERING ONE TENTH OF WHAT HE SUFFERED DYING ON THE CROSS. THE DEVIL’S VOICE IS LOUD BUT GOD IS WHISPERING TO YOU. HE’S THE STILL SMALL VOICE THAT TOLD YOU EARLIER THIS YEAR WHEN YOU WERE DECIDING WHAT TO FAST THAT SAID “MARIJUANA.” REMEMBER THAT? YOU TRIED TO SAY NO GOD. I WILL FAST FOOD. THAT WAY I’LL LOSE WEIGHT ON THE FAST. AND HE WAS INSISTENT. AS HARD AS IT WAS AT FIRST, YOU OBEYED. IT REALLY IS ONLY HARD THAT FIRST WEEK. SURE YOU HAD CRAVINGS EVERY DAY OR ALMOST EVERY DAY BUT THEY WERE FLEETING AND EVERY TIME YOU DIDN’T GIVE IN YOU GOT STRONGER. YOU SILENCED THE DEVOURER. YOU TOLD THE DEVIL TO GET FUCKED. SATAN DOESN’T RUN YOUR LIFE. DON’T LET HIM. YOU AREN’T COMPELLED BY HIS TEMPTATIONS. YOU ARE IN CONTROL OF YOUR ACTIONS. THOUGHTS AREN’T REAL UNTIL YOU ACT ON THEM. OBSERVE THE THOUGHT FOR WHAT IT IS. IT’S A LIE OF SATAN. PERIOD DOT. YOU GOT THIS GIRL! THE HEAVENS ARE ROOTING FOR YOU. THE ANGELS REJOICE EVERY SINGLE TIME YOU RESIST TEMPTATION. AS YOU KEEP RESISTING TEMPTATION, CRAVINGS WILL GET LESS AND LESS. AND ONE DAY YOU WILL WAKE UP AND REALIZE THAT YOU DON’T CRAVE THAT GARBAGE ANYMORE. I’VE HEARD POT CALLED THE DEVIL’S LETTUCE. IT’S A JOKE SUPPOSEDLY BUT IT’S NOT A JOKE AT ALL. IN FACT, THE DEVIL WANTS YOU TO BELIEVE IT’S NO BIG DEAL. THAT WAY HE CAN KEEP YOU TIED UP IN BONDAGE TO ADDICTION. AND WHEN YOU SPEND ALL OF YOUR TIME DOING DRUGS, THINKING ABOUT DOING DRUGS, PROCURING DRUGS, TRYING BUT NOT SUCCEEDING IN QUITING DRUGS - GUESS WHAT? THEN YOU WILL SEE THE TRUTH. THAT IT REALLY IS THE DEVIL IN THAT DRUG! IT’S NO JOKE. IT’S REAL. JOHN 10:10 - THE DEVIL COMES TO STEAL, KILL, AND DESTROY. BUT I HAVE COME THAT YOU MAY HAVE LIFE AND LIFE MORE ABUNDENTLY. GOD WANTS YOU TO HAVE A GREAT LIFE. YOU WON’T FIND A GREAT LIFE IN A ONE-HITTER, IN A WEED PIPE, IN A JOINT, IN AN INNOCENT LOOKING EDIBLE, IN A TINCTURE, IN A BONG. YOU WILL FIND LIFE IN JESUS CHRIST. IN LOVING OTHERS AND TRYING TO BE GOOD TO THEM. IN BEING A MIRACLE IN SOMEONE’S LIFE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH POWER IN THIS WORLD. YOU ARE MADE IN THE IMAGE OF GOD. HE GAVE US ALL OF THIS POWER TO CREATE. DON’T USE YOUR POWER TO DESTROY YOURSELF. USE IT TO BUILD YOURSELF UP AND BE A BETTER PERSON. USE IT TO HELP SOMEONE. USE IT FOR THE GLORY OF GOD. DON’T USE IT FOR THE DEVIL BECAUSE THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT HE’S HOPING YOU DO SO HE CAN LITERALLY KILL AND DESTROY YOU. DRIVING HIGH IS A HORRIBLE IDEA AND COULD BE DEADLY. AND YET YOU’VE DONE IT SO MANY TIMES AND YOU HAVE PUT YOUR LIFE AT RISK, AND YOUR DAUGHTER’S LIFE AT RISK. YOU HAVE PUT OTHER PEOPLE’S LIVES AT RISK. NOT WORTH IT. YOU’D NEVER FORGIVE YOURSELF IF SOMETHING HAPPENS. GOD MAY NOT PROTECT YOU WHEN YOU BLATENTLY DISOBEY HIM. SURE HE HAS GRACE AND MERCY FOR EVERYONE BUT DON’T PLAY WITH FIRE. YOU WILL GET BURNED AND YOU ARE BLESSED AND HIGHLY FAVORED OR ELSE YOU WOULD BE DEAD RIGHT NOW. LIFE IS FRAGILE. LIFE IS SHORT. WE CAN’T TAKE IT FOR GRANTED AND MAKE CARELESS CHOICES THAT COULD HAVE LIFE AND DEATH IMPACT.
if you DON’T use on vacation, you are going to regret it. SEE ABOVE. THAT’S SIMPLY NOT TRUE. YOU WILL REGRET IT IF YOU DO USE. GET BACK ON THE ROLLER COASTER AGAIN. GIVE UP FREEDOM AGAIN. FEEL LIKE CRAP ABOUT YOURSELF AGAIN. SO NOT WORTH IT. THAT’S THE DEVIL TELLING YOU THAT. REMEMBER WHEN ANDREA TOLD YOU THAT ALL THOSE YEARS AGO? IT’S STILL IN YOUR GUT BECAUSE YOU KNOW IT’S TRUE. GOD DOESN’T WANT YOU USING MARIJUANA. OTHER PEOPLE - IT’S NOT MY PLACE TO JUDGE. I KNOW THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO DON’T ABUSE DRUGS. BUT LIZ - YOU DO ABUSE DRUGS WHEN YOU USE THEM. LIZ - YOU DO ABUSE ALCOHOL WHEN YOU USE IT. THAT’S JUST HOW YOUR BRAIN AND BODY WORK. YOU CANNOT EVER SAFELY USE OR DRINK. PERIOD DOT. BUT LOOK AT ALL YOU CAN DO IN THIS LIFE! ANYTHING ELSE. YOU REALLY HAVE SO MUCH TO DO THAT THERE IS NO TIME TO USE OR DRINK. THIS CRAVING WILLL PASS. DO SOMETHING ELSE. GET BUSY. GET AWAY FROM THE TEMPTATION. IF SOMEONE IS USING AROUND YOU GO FAR FAR AWAY. LOCK YOURSELF IN A ROOM AND SIT ON YOUR HANDS. GET IN THE SHOWER. TAKE A WALK. DON’T SIT THERE WHILE SOMEONE GETS HIGH IN FRONT OF YOU. IF YOU GO TO THE BARBER YOU’RE GOING TO GET A HAIRCUT. GET FAR FAR AWAY FROM THE BARBER SHOP. WHENEVER YOU HAVE TEMPTATION - GOD PROVIDES A WAY OF ESCAPE. REMIND GOD OF WHAT HE SAID IN HIS WORD. HE SAID THIS. YOU CAN DO THIS. I BELIEVE IN YOU!
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I’ve been sober a good while. Feel free to message me on Kik @snozzlewood, if you feel weak! Please do that! You’re right one drink or puff will take you down and just isn’t worth it. You’re rocking your fast and becoming healthier. No sabotaging that!
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Thanks! Congrats on ur sobriety
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Forgot to post this morning. Correction. Didn’t get out of bed in time to post. I just made it to day 9. Took my customer to lunch and watched her eat. The Croutons in her salad looked like the apple in the garden of Eden did to Eve. But I resisted. She’s understanding. Saw my goal weight on the scale this morning. 1st time in LITERALLY 24 years I’ve seen that weight. That snd how I’m looking is keeping me going. I felt physically hungry many times today. Tried salt. Felt weak on my walk and was a very easy pace. But I made it. Went to church tonight honestly just for something to do besides sitting around twiddling key thumbs sns talking myself into eating. I leave for FL tomorrow. And tomorrow is my last fasting day. I’m eating Thursday. I’m telling myself COME ON LIZ! U got this. One more day. I’m on the home stretch. I can see the finish line. Little scared about eating again. This is an extremely long fast for me. Praying about lots of things. Some pervert at my kids school was arrested today for child porn. Makes me ill. Supposedly no kids at her school were involved. Praying for his sick ass and his victims. And his family. Pretty sure he’s married. Cannot even imagine what shock that is. Hopefully she’s meeting with a lawyer and Getting the divorce ball rolling. I seriously feel Ill. My friends are blowing me up since the news broke. My daughter is only 6 so all I did was ask about him. Was he ever weird or inappropriate ? Huh? That’s her! I asked many times. All I could really gather is he’s a decent music teacher so I do think she was unaffected. Just putting it in gods hands. Not bringing it up anymore and sure as heck I’m not going to tell anyone bc it is just upsetting and what good does it do to gossip and speculate. My daughter appears fine. She’s in gods hands too. It’s scary tho. This world is fucked the fuck up. Don’t have kids! U worry way too much even when crazy ass shit like this happens. We moved fron the city to this silly town bc this is one of the best public school systems in the entire state. Then this happens. And it’s at her school. Sick sick people. Who would be dumb enough to engage in this crap? It’s so easy to get caught!!! That alone should deter someone. But I guess these people are that demented that they take crazy chances. Tiny silver lining is he’s caught and praying they charge him and Put him in prison
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Day 10. Got to this house Florida at 11pm last night. Friends stayed up and drank ate and got high. I went to bed and got skinny. Today I break my fast. Sorta nervous bc this will be my first time really committing to no sugar and junky carbs (bread, rolls, crackers, chips, etc.). My one friend said pack up half ur food at restaurants. Not sure I’m doing THAT. we shall see tho. Yas my fasting guru said send her picks of my food to stay accountable. We r supposedly going out to breakfast. I’m not eating breakfast! Goal is omad at dinner. Praying I can stick to this in Jesus name.
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back from Florida. back to reality. i did amazing there with eating. i did OMAD for dinner and ate almost 100% healthy. drank coffee whenever the other girls had breakfast, lunch or snacks. it was pretty hard but i felt great about myself and i felt good in my clothes and swimsuit. the payoff of how i feel when i am doing well with fasting and eating is huge.
back to reality tho. bummer lol. got home and immediately went out w/ my husband and daughter to mexican. ate way too much but didn’t go crazy at all on chips which usually i have a whole basket. that was Monday.
Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday got progressively worse. Thursday was basically an all day binge on popcorners. those are crack cocaine for me. i had a pity party b/c of a parent teacher conference and invited only food to this sad sack party.
thank god for my fasting group. i started a fast friday. stuck to it fri and sat and now today is sunday. the scale had gone up significantly - 158 - after my binge on thursday but by friday it was back down to 150. today it was at 146. just goes to show when i do get to my goal weight and overdue it, i really just can fast right away and nip that shit in the bud. i think when i just keep going with doing bad and binging is where i make the mistake every damn time i’ve lost weight in the past.
last night especially was really hard to stay on the fast. i fucking hate making dinner for my kid. it’s worse than watching someone eat. i had peanut butter on my finger today. so hard not to lick it off. last night i did an addiction and craving meditation on my simple habit app. realized that i had pain on right side of my chest. never would’ve noticed if i hadn’t been fasting and done the meditation. not really sure what it means. i think it’s just where i’m holding my stress, anxiety, sadness, anger, whatever.
i don’t like it. i prayed here you go God. you carry these burdens. all of this worry about my husband, daughter, business, finanances, parents, sister, our country, all of the fear about tragedys that could happen.
i’m still off the marijuana. i’m on day 20 right now. it’s not been hard minus that first week. if i do slip which i pray today i won’t, but if i do, i really do need to remember it’s only hard the first few days. my husband is being semi supportive and sneaking off to do it out of my sight. that helps. and when i’m triggered, i’ve got tons and tons of stuff written about why i don’t want to do that shit anymore.
today is sunday so i’m going to church. i started going about 6 years ago. it makes me happy although i must admit the lazy part of me just wants to stay home. it’s sunny out. but i’m still going to go. i feel good that i’m raising my daughter to know God. that’s been a huge gift in my life that i have a heart for God and i want her to have that too. i don’t know how anyone survives without him. there’s so much fucked up stuff in this world that i need to have faith in something!
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i am on day 3 of my fast. goal is 7 days. feels slightly impossible but i’m just going to focus on staying on it today. my husband is out of town and that helps tremendously. he puts so much effort and emphasis on food. i understand that too. but it’s exhausting. like his whole life revolves around lunch and dinner. so much time and effort. he wants these nice meals all of the time. he went to vegas. last night he spent easily $100 on dinner. for one person. it’s fine but damn, feels like such a rip off. there’s more to life than food honey bunny.
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day 4 of 7 of this fast. these last few days have been hard. i think i’m over the hump tho. i was so hungry and crabby yesterday. then i lost it on my daughter about about 10 pm last night. she was being silly and kissing me a ton and saying i love you. instead of just rolling with it and APPRECIATING the fact that she loves me so much i yelled at her a few times to shut her mouth and go to bed. poor kid. i feel like such a mom failure sometimes.
today i have plans to get some things done. so far nothing accomplished but getting my kid to spring break camp. gotta run!
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