huge enormous binge last night. like crackhead type binge. wtf. stopped at 3 yes 3 gas stations. many many many forms of M&Ms.
feeling hungover today. cried a tiny bit in the call when yas told me to breathe deeply 3 times.
i need to fast today. don’t want to.
i’m bummed out.
i keep thinking MAYBE this is b/c i’m just not satisfied in life.
that’s normal tho.
gotta run.
committing to daily journal until i leave for CA on 9/29.
i want to say committing to fasting until then.
that would be the hope.
sounds impossible.
start with 10 days.
which also sounds very hard.
fasting is hard. it just is. alyssa on our call earlier said
“Liz, I just wish you’d give yourself a dose of the kindness you give to all of us. You are the sweetest and most supportive teammate. <3”
that hit me hard. this idea of giving myself a dose of the kindness i give to others.
i’ve got NEW notes to hang around my house about fasting. lord knows the ones i have out currently aren’t working. reading the notes would probably help immensely.
i made it through yesterday so now i’m on day 2. it’s been relatively hard / not that hard today. my stomach has been growling quite a lot b/c i am feeling super hungry. listened and said my fasting affirmations this morning while walking my dog. i do think that helps.
the scale was decent this morning. it’s possibly a long shot but i’d LOVE to be in the 140’s tomorrow. the scale going down is frankly the only reason i do fasting.
i still need to listen to some jason fung. that’s part of my motivation.
staying busy with work. which that is an excellent benefit of fasting is that i find work to do. i didn’t do a good job of this last week, and hence fasting was very very hard. i’m self employed so no one knows or cares if i work. as long as the $ keeps rolling in it’s good. i’m semi excited about work right now. trying a new approach to sales. using a linked in premium service to try to get some appointments. praying it works. i’m putting a lot of time in so far.
day 1 of 10 days.
i leave for ca in 9 days and if i eat after the plane lands then i’ll be at 10 days so let’s do it.
need to get motivated. 161 this morning.
disgusting.
the reasons i need to fast
urgently need an accountability partner. please guys am nearly day 30. Nearly fainted today. Luckily i was with someone else. scary! Lost quite a lot of weight but did not do it for that reason. I really need some support to discuss with someone as looking to do for the rest of my life as lifestyle. I had someone but unfortunately she is not here anymore which is sad as we forged a v good relationship!
i’ll be an accountability partner with you
yesterday i decided after the family had dinner. after i suffered through it sitting there and watching them…that i was going to have a crutch. crutch turned into OMAD. of course it did. it so rarely stops with a crutch. yesterday i was 161. today i was at 158. just a couple of months ago i was in the low to mid 140s so this is just killing me. i am only writing today bc that’s on my habits list to write on here everyday. i really do want to be successful. so far it’s not been happening lately. but i know i can do it. i’ve done it before. i want to do it. i actually DON’T want to. but i want the results. so i can do it. i need to do it. today is all i can focus on. i have 2 notes one for the door on the fridge and one for the door on the pantry. hopefully they will be enough motivation. 158. no more excuses. 8 days. no crutches.
finally made it through one day of fasting. i was at my daughter’s acrobats class last night and the dance studio where they have it had a freaking vending machine? i had a meeting with myself and thought of the weight stickies that i posted in my house. i decided, no i’m NOT eating freaking crap or anything.
i made it through the night. i am sooooooo happy and the scale was down 4# today. thank you jesus.
i’m a little concerned b/c i have lunch with a client in a couple of hours. but i looked at the menu and made a deal with myself to have the 8 shrimp appetizer and try to give the client some of it. even if she doesn’t take it, it’s only 133 calories so i will count today as a fast day as long as i don’t eat anything else.
pray i can make it through today! i put my stickies up again today with my current weight: 153.8. yesterday i was at 158, and monday i was at 161 so 7.2# lost so far. i am pretty darn happy with that. i’m mad at myself for letting the weight get so high.
but i’m confident i can and WILL stay on this fast until the end. the next time i will eat (IF i even eat this day)…is the night we arrive in CA so next wednesday. that will give me 7 days of weigh ins. and 8 more days of fasting. for a total of 9 days of fasting.
i’m praying and hoping that i will be in the low - mid- 140s by next wednesday. i’ve GOT to do this. i have a roll of fat under my boobies. and don’t even get me started on my legs. feels so gross to be heavy like this.
i’m also praying that since i did gain this weight so fast that i will lose it fast. dear lord help me! you know i need help!
fasting is hard. i’m just going to focus on my goal. today i’ll have the stupid shrimp. maybe i’ll even take some home for chad. he likes shrimp. just say i’m not hungry. why would she care??? she won’t. and hopefully she won’t even comment on what i’m eating. i just don’t want to make her uncomfortable so that’s why i’m even eating. her company is my biggest and best client. i need to let her know how much i really do appreciate her!
well done. It is very challenging to do. Lol i am day 31! ah nine days left! You can do it. Just do what works for you 
wow that is awesome.
I used a crutch today. less than 500 calories. i just fucking want to kill my husband and mainly my kid when i’m fasting. i know it’s an excuse but feels valid. i walked for 90 min today so hopefully didn’t screw things up too much. good night
wow liz. that is hilarious. I too sometimes get so angry I just don’t know anymore but yours is loool no words! Haa Haa is your husband scared of you at that is point? loool!
sort of relieved i am not the only one who feels the same way. I am always frustrated, moody and just angry. Glad to hear am not the only one. sometimes i want to scream the place down but of course people have ears. I think i need to take up some form of excercise and let out my frustration!
he’s scared of me. it’s bad. he said he walks on eggshells around me
today i put on my “no complaining” bracelet. It’s a purple bracelet from a don’t worry book that i read. basically every time you complain you change the bracelet from one wrist to the other.
i just was worrying and complaining way too much and it was bringing me down a ton.
today i’m fasting. i am not going to TELL you what happened over the weekend mainly b/c it’s all a downer.
i am fasting 72 hours. so basically can have dinner on Wednesday. we are going to Ca for a wedding. i’m starting NOW no sweets whatsoever. a guy in the fasting group said that is his goal and that really needs to be mine too. nothing derails me like sweets.
i’ve got my weight 161! written on 3 post it notes and those will be hung on fridge, pantry door and next to my bed.
i’m to the point where i’m physically uncomfortable due to weight gain. so mad at myself. but AGAIN - not helpful.
my identity starting now is positive. i’m happy. i only talk about what’s good.
Okay so new day! day 1. checking in. got on the scale today. let’s just say i’m motivated. wanting to go 21 or 30 days. sounds overwhelming to think about so just going for today. we were in CA and there was lots of eating and debauchery. time to clean up inside my body. wish me luck.
day 1. again. keep wanting to start then come nighttime, i eat. and i say it’s OMAD. it’s okay. but sure it’s OMAD but it’s so many calories it’s same as eating 3 x a day.
i know i am just eating my feelings.
first i saw a friend get married who, let’s be honest. i have had a huge crush on him since i met my husband. i think i stayed with my husband while we were dating partially b/c of this guy. all of this is awful to admit. but i also don’t think anyone reads this so my secret is safe i think.
i officiated his wedding. so we are friends but that’s it and that’s all it will ever be. i guess i’m jealous of his wife for capturing his heart.
i wouldn’t even want to be married to him if truth be told. so why am i jealous? makes no sense.
he just gives me that butterflies in the stomach feeling. i don’t know if it happens anymore. it might or might not. i don’t see him very often and it’s been so long that i know we would never be together that i may have just extinguished that part inside of me.
i’m pretty sure i declared my love for him one night before he moved from our city. and i’m pretty sure he said i think of you as my sister. and i was sad. i’m pretty sure i said i would leave my husband for you. and i’m pretty sure he said he could never ever do that to my husband b/c they are like brothers.
i’m also pretty sure whatever was said, he never would tell my husband because it would hurt my husband too much.
his now wife said something to me when she and i first met. something to the effect of “he told me about you and him.”
and ever since then i feel very embarrassed. ashamed. uncomfortable. honestly i still don’t know what i said. what he said. what was said. i want to know but only because whatever i said SHE knows. i wish i would have asked her to clarify. i didn’t. i think i was so stunned at the time that i didn’t really digest it until later.
who knows ? maybe she’s talking something completely not THAT. but why bring it up unless it was something. so now she probably thinks part of me is still pining away for him.
i’m always a friend to a guy that i like. the only guy who ever really liked me that i liked back is my now husband.
i wonder what else was said. i feel we both admitted to masturbating when thinking of the other person. feels dirty to write all of this. i feel we admitted attraction to each other. but again, then the love you like a sister business makes me question if it was just me admitting attraction to the other.
i remember this person saying something about “do you remember what we talked about that night?” soon after the event. i said not really. he said great. let’s never talk about it again.
so yeah, that’s whose wedding i went to. that’s whose wedding i officiated. pretty awful and disgusting. then i think oh well. i think what drives me crazy is the not knowing what was said.
but i need to get ovver it. get over all of it. him. worrying about what i said. worrying about what his now wife thinks of what i said. worrying about what he thinks about me. the whole thing makes me feel really bad. embarrassed. rejected. stupid. lame. ugly. what’s wrong with me that this loser doesn’t even want me?
“If everyone slept with the person he or she had secretly fallen in love with, the world would be chaos.”
― Elin Hilderbrand, Summerland
i love this quote.
it makes me feel less alone. like i’m not the only person who fell in love with her husband’s best friend.
so i started getting high again at the wedding. and that was 17 days ago and i haven’t stopped getting high. right back on the wagon.
i’m sorry about it but then again i’m not.
i can’t tell if it’s helping me to fast or not. i don’t think it’s necessarily helping but i don’t think it’s really hurting either.
i think the bottom line is i can make my own choices. i have to make them.
ever since July, i’ve been making bad ones. scale keeps going up and up. today i was 163.i’d gotten into the high 130’s. that was too hard to maintain. i like 140-145. so that’s up 20#!!! that’s a lot. i can really feel it.
it feels really bad.
i’m trying to get motivated by writing. i thought maybe writing my true feelings would help.
other thing i’m going through that is making me upset is taking care of my dad after surgery. he’s non compliant with his home care. his house is awfully dirty so i’ve been cleaning it for hours every week.
what’s pissing me off is my sister hasn’t helped at all and she lives there with him. so that is a disincentive b/c i think she should be cleaning more than me since it’s her house.
i think i’ve done all i’m going to do. these two just piss me off so much. filthy. i almost threw up today applying cream to my dad’s face.
he’s got bad ecxema and huge pieces of skin were coming off while i was putting the cream on.
why can’t he just put the cream on himself???
he doesn’t take care of himself or his house. anything really.
being here drives me insane!
so here’s the reasons i want to stay on my fast:
feel very uncomfortable in my skin.
clothes don’t fit so i’m wearing things with stretchy waist.
i can feel my belly resting on my thighs.
i have rolls in my midsection. leaving marks between the rolls.
my pajamas are tight for godssake.
i look bad.
my face is swollen.
my fingers are fatter.
i can’t hardly wear any of my clothes.
spending way too much $ on food.
losing sleep b/c getting up in the night to binge.
sneaking around .
all of the binging doesn’t even make me feel better. no matter how much i eat, i feel the same. WORSE!
I feel worse than if i didn’t binge.
way worse.
i am always so happy when i get up in the morning when i fasted the previous day.
i feel thinner. the scale goes down.
i should fast until i see 140 on the scale.
that’s what i should do.
i could do it too.
i need to do it.
god praying i can fast til i see 140.
then at least i’ll be ready for the holidays. if i don’t get a handle on this NOW, i’m going to gain even more come december.
where i’m at right now is bad enough. i feel so ashamed of how i’ve let myself gain all of this weight back.
it would probably only take 3 weeks.
3 weeks.
3 weeks of hard. i can do it. i know i can.
just need to pull the trigger.
just need to push through the moments when it’s hard.
because that’s all it is. it’s moments. when i’m wanting to eat, it just comes up and goes away in a few minutes. then it will be gone for awhile. then it comes back. and on and on.
my problem has been, when i really want to eat at night, i tell myself OMAD is good. i’ll just do omad every day. but then it sometimes swirls into a binge. sometimes it doesn’t. but even if it doesn’t, hello! i’m not trying to maintain this high ass weight.
i want to LOSE weight.
so here’s to today. hopefully i’ll feel better. right now, i’m just in bad headspace.
praying for today’s fast to be succcessful.
day 1 again. been binging so much lately. yesterday i could just call it an all day binge. i got up and immediately started eating. eating and reading all day. i did take a shower and i did take my daughter to the park.
i’ve decided today is a full day off of marijuana and food. i’m just so sick of making all of these bad choices.
i was walking at the park last night. my hips were hurting. my knees were hurting. i just cannot live like this. it’s too painful. not to mention my mental state. that has been really bad too lately.
then my husband says to me this morning - what are you doing today? eating and reading all day again?
what a dick.
pissed me off.
but he’s not lying. he’s just trying to point it out to me that all i did yesterday all day was eat and read.
and smoke weed. i am also committed to not smoking weed today.
that is not helping my fasting efforts whatsoever. i think i can safely admit that smoking weed every day is making fasting a million times harder. all i think about is food. i ate almost a whole box of cereal yesterday. and i’m so sick of myself. i’m so sick of sneaking around.
i just told myself fast for the next 11 days. i should go for 21 days. but 11 would be amazing. i was too scared and depressed today to get on the scale. i’m as high as i’ve been in almost a year. and the holidays aren’t even here yet! i’ve got to make changes or it’s just going to keep getting worse.
so here i am. i’m going to write in this journal 50 times today if that’s what it takes. i just cannot keep eating and living like this. it’s too awful. too depressing. i have a meeting tomorrow and i’m totally dreading it b/c i look like a blob.
day 1 again. but today i did all of my worksheets. i’m COMMITTING to 7 days of fasting with the group. i really want to go 30 days and just rid myself of all of this extra weight. this pack of bratwurst around my midsection. but focus on today. focus on the next 7 days!
I read my previous post from almost a month ago. nope. didn’t make it seven days.
i just keep quitting when it gets hard.
but i do want to fast marijuana and food today. i want to do it until thanksgiving dinner. but today is all i’m even trying to get through right now.
lots of temptations to smoke earlier today. but i journaled a lot this morning and told myself “it’s waves of cravings. they don’t stick around.”
and the first days are the hardest days. that’s a line from a Grateful Dead song but it’s true whenever you are trying to create new habits or quit old ones.
so here i am. day 1. again. i could go on and on about all that has transpired this past month. but it’s negative stuff. there’s been positive stuff too but the negative is what i’d go on and on about.
so today. here i sit. bad headache.
reached out to Yaz. can i please come back to the group?
yes, she said yes. thank god. i need help. i can’t live like this. binging. getting high. repeat. telling myself “this is the last time.”
then telling myself “i have to do this or I’ll go off on my family.” maybe i will. maybe i won’t. but i’m half living right now. i know that’s not good for me.
Here i am again on day 1. ugh. haven’t stuck to much lately. I fasted one day last week but could have been 2.
I wrote out my plan for December. Basically I have myself fasting Sunday-Thursday every week with 2mad’s on Fridays and Saturdays. Then I wrote myself a note that on the eating times I’m only going to eat vegetables and protein.
Then I think - what are you crazy? There’s no way I can stick to that.
Then I think - actually I AM crazy. And I actually COULD stick to it. It would be REALLY hard. but could i do it if there was a gun to my head? yes, i could. Will i? that’s another question completely.
Part of the fasting is staying off the weed. that has become a thorn in my side. again. i’m so sick of having the same issues month after month. year after year if i’m 100% honest.
then i think - what if i did EXACTLY what my plan said?
how would i feel?
how much weight would I lose?
I know the answers - i’d feel great. and i’d probably lose 15-20# which would put me back near my goal weight.
this binging and smoking weed has been out of control.
I think i’ll just do it once then i’m starting tomorrow.
then tomorrow gets here and it’s the same thought. okay - just one more time. repeat.
it’s boring to live like this.
there’s way more to life than food and getting high. i know that.
there are other ways to enjoy life besides processed foods and marijuana. right???