Kyle's Journal

[Stacia]

Hi sweet pea… I am sorry to hear about your aunt ! Ugh … super proud of you for doing OMAD/keto all week !! OMAD seems to be pretty easy for me since I’m not a big snacker… I am for sure a volume eater which is where I need to learn to pull it together. I’m on my 3rd day of water fasting … I had a few false start days but finally at day 3. I just didn’t feel like posting because I was so worried I’d lose it. Today has been hard … food thoughts ALL day but thankfully my son asked me to drive him somewhere which blew off 3 hours and kept me from eating. Tomorrow is day 4, always my hardest !!

You’re in my thoughts my friend … hang in there … this too shall pass right? For me without food I don’t feel stress, I feel so bored … I use to think it was stress but now I just feel blah. The world is so insane right now that I think collectively we all feel off. I too hate it when I’m stringing together some healthy lifestyle days and a birthday or holiday comes up … honestly I have not enjoyed any of it since I put on weight even though that’s so stupid I know. … hugs to ya !!

[Kyle]

Hello!

So just had a keto/carnivore lunch OMAD and have decided to do a three day WF. I would like to extend it longer but 3 is my first goal set. Here we go.

Hope you are all doing well!!

[Stacia]

Just saying hi Kyle! Wishing you an amazing water fast day !!

[Kyle]

Just finishing up day three. Going to have and OMAD lunch today.

[Michelle]

Congratulations on finishing 3 days

[Kyle]

Goodmorning Everyone!

I’m on Day 2 of an unplanned Fast. I’m actually dry fasting right now and will switch to water fasting on day 5 (Sat). I do not recommend this to anyone else.
My youngest son (as I mentioned earlier in my thread) struggles with addiction. Next week for Thanksgiving he wants to come see me (many states away). He knows he’s not able to travel in his current state so he is trying to kick his habit. I promised him I would join him in solidarity w/a lengthy dry fast (I have dry fasted before and researched a lot) and then switch to water fasting until I see him next Wednesday. He is currently going through extreme withdrawal which I’m sure will escalate the next few days. Anyway… that’s what I’m doing this week… oh, and Today is my birthday. He called this morning and feels bad that I won’t even have a water on my birthday but if you are a parent, you get it. Funny, my determination on this particular fast is through the roof. Our children can motivate us like noting else.

Hope everyone is doing good, fasting or feeding!!

[Stacia]

Happy birthday Kyle !! !! I hope you have a wonderful day even with dry fasting!! I’ve tried it once or twice and the benefit is you crave water and not food …

I am soooo excited about your son and coming to visit… that’s so awesome !! I know how much that must mean to you and I’m super happy for you!!! I’ll keep a safe trip for him in my prayers ! I’m rooting for you girl all the way !!! I’m on day 9 of my dirty fast … definitely had some rough moments of almost caving but it’s crazy how every time I get interrupted by something and I get through.

Hugs to you, please keep us posted on the dry fast and your sons recovery and trip !! Yaaa!!

[Kyle]

Day 9!! So proud of you!! This is a forty day, right?

And thank you for the bday wishes!!

[riallyst]

Happy Birthday!!

[Michelle]

Happy birthday!!!
Sending you hugs for your support for your son. And best wishes to him too

[Kyle]

Good morning !

Today is day 3 of 5 of my dry fast. I was pretty thirsty last night but managed to sleep well in spite. So far, doing ok today just feeling the usual weaknesses that come with fasting. I have not battled the mental/emotional cravings very much this time around but I think that is because of my “why”. My sons have always come before myself (that may not be great but that’s what it is). So, I seem to have control over my mind in a different way this time.
Spoke to my son this morning, he’s doing ok… still going through the rough part. I hope he continues to stead fast.

Hope you are all well today!!

[Stacia]

I so hear ya, my sons come first too and I’ve had a few comments from friends and family about it but so what, at the end of my life my sons are #1 to me and I’ll never regret one second! You are a great mom Kyle, I can tell and all your stress and worry and hard work will pay off ! So happy for this turn of events with your son ! … you’re inspiring me to do a dry fast !! I wish you all the peace and luck today … !!!

[Kyle]

Thankyou Stacia!!

[Michelle]

Yes our sons come first, every time!

[Kyle]

Goodmorning,

I would love to say I am on day 4 but had an emotional rollercoaster yesterday afternoon. I caught my son in a lie yesterday. He has relapsed, which left me unsure that he will successfully drop the habit this time and I probably will not see him next week. I was disappointed, I was resentful and I was hurt. I went and downed a protein smoothie… I wasn’t even hungry.

I know I have an issue with seeking food for solace. It is an issue. In many ways I can relate to my son’s struggles on a lesser level. He’s playing Russian roulette every time he uses and that terrifies me, to be honest. There’s nothing I can do to stop it and that’s even worse. I was truly hoping my “solidarity” dry fast would motivate him to continue… but it didn’t and even though I know his relapse is not my fault, I can’t help feeling like a failure (even before I broke the fast). I took his relapse personally, although that’s not logical.

A long time ago I heard an actress say that parenting is like taking your heart out of your chest and letting it run free. That’s a true sentiment for me. I love my boys so much but all the love in the world will not make good choices for them. It’s a painful thing and probably more painful that I don’t have a partner to lean on but that’s another risk with my heart I’m not willing to take right now.

I can see clearly why I go to food for comfort and I can see clearly why I am single. I don’t know that I’m ready to date but I do know eating does not heal my heart. I’m on day 1 again but this time for spiritual reasons. I’m going to spend some time with God over the next week.

Anyway… thats the raw truth of where I am.

Fasting is uncovering so much for me on a psychological and emotional level. I’ll keep peeling back the layers…

Happy Friday to everyone… thanks for reading through my emotional “dump” today.

Hope all goes well for you whether fasting or feeding.

[Michelle]

Feel able to emotionally dump here Sending you lots of hugs

[Stacia]

. Kyle I literally felt the words jumping off the page reading this. I wish I could come over and hug you and cry together. You were one of the first people I posted with on this forum and I’ve gotten to know your story (what you’ve shared) and I can’t get over how similar our lives are. My son (well both but one much more) suffers with OCD (not the stupid thing people say “oh I’m so OCD”. - which totally makes me upset because it’s not a joke - having to keep your desk organized is NOT OCD). He’s had some very very rough months which is so painful for us parents because all we can do is pray and be there for them (and of course set up appts…, buy healthy food, etc)… I think what I’ve learned is for me every time he goes through a bought of it - I feel horrible right along with him and feel super emotional (which has definitely kept me in the food and single!! - who has time for a relationship with all that?)

This is going to sound really weird but I got a special box (I call it God box) and I put it high up in my closet. I cut up little pieces of paper and write ALL my fears and prayers on them. I then say a prayer over each one and put them in the box one by one. I put the box back high up in the closet and at that point I say to myself, I’ve now given all my worries to God and I can rest. Every few months I go look at all of them and it’s unbelievable how many came true!!! I learned to put my trust in God even though I still take back the worries and fears some days. My point is we are not alone and God is working in your son, he came here to learn lessons (just as we all have I believe) and he’s right where he’s supposed to be (even if we would change it in a heartbeat!!)… perhaps he’ll be a drug Councelor and help people one day?!

He will be ok and so will we !! I know how hard this is … as I told you before my brother was an addict and one day just quit, it was horrible for a few weeks but he never went back !!

I’m thinking of you sweet pea!!! Hang in there… I feel your pain and us moms feel their pain so it’s a double whammy but we are blessed to have them to love and pray and care about … But we must take care of us first, at least that’s what I try and tell myself because it’s the only thing we can control !!!

[Kyle]

@Stacia

I think what I’ve learned is for me every time he goes through a bought of it - I feel horrible right along with him and feel super emotional

There’s a saying, You are only as happy as your most unhappy child. Your experience with your son brought it to mind. It’s so true. My Autistic son has terrible OCD as well. It’s very trying and also very little that can be done about it. Mom life is Hard. I’m with you.

[Stacia]

The initials brought shivers … crazy huh? We are being watched over for sure… I make a grateful list every day too and more often than not it’s longer than my worry list so I spend the day smiling over the little wins (like your son attempting to get clean, that’s a win right there!!) … hang in there sweet pea, you got this … We are strong and capable or God wouldn’t have put these trials in front of us.

[Stacia]

How ya doin today Kyle?