Kyle's Journal

[Kyle]

Hi, Long time lurker… first time Journal-er.
Today is Day 2 of my fast… I wanted to make sure I surpassed day one before I started my journal. I have done too many “Day One’s”… if you know what I mean.
Im a 44 yr old single mom of two adult sons.
My oldest son is intellectually disabled/autistic and I’m his 24/7 Caregiver. My youngest son lives in another state from us. My youngest son struggles w/addiction. Drug Addiction is a Bitch. Autism is a Bitch. As a parent, I’ve learned you can’t fix these things or even necessarily change them. But I can change what I need to change for myself. Thats my situation.

I abuse food. Food has been my friend for FAR too long. I’m surprised I am not heavier than I am considering how major a role food has in my life. I like to cook, I watch cooking shows and look up recipes. I go to restaurants. I think the majority of our budget goes toward food. Those people who clean out their pantry, saying if it’s not in the house they won’t eat it… Yeah, not me. I will drive in my car to get (fill in the blank). Food is a celebration, food is comfort, food lifts my mood, food calms me down, food for boredom, food is always there. It’s unfortunate we need food to live, because it will always need to be managed as opposed to quitting it “cold turkey”. I’ve never had a problem with alcohol, drugs, cigarettes, gambling… so I guess food is my vice and I eat to avoid my emotions. I want to break up with this bad habit. It has robbed the last decade of my life and I don’t want to give it any more of my time.

Like I said earlier, today is Day 2 of my water fast. I’m going for 7 days. I like the idea of going longer than 7. But 7 is my current goal. The longest I have gone so far is 4.5 days. That was a LONG time ago.

Well, thats my story. Day one wasn’t bad. Spent most of it driving 450 miles from a road trip. Slept like a ROCK and day two has been good so far. A few little waves of hunger, but manageable. Had a bit of salt, potassium and magnesium. Currently at hour 42.

Starting weight… IDK but I weighed a couple weeks ago and it was 169.
Going to weigh in on Day 7.
I’m 5’6 tall.

Would like to be in low 130’s to fit into my wardrobe again. I have clothes w/tags still on them from 5 years ago.

My main focus is learning how to cope with life without using food as a coping mechanism. It will be a journey and undoing 44 yrs of an unhealthy relationship w/eating.

Hi everyone.

[Kristy]

Thank you so much for sharing! You are not alone in this!

[Kyle]

Day Three (62 Hrs In)

I’ll back up to yesterday afternoon/evening. Hunger was more fierce in the late afternoon and early evening. Had to mentally battle ‘wanting to eat’ vs my ‘resolve to do this fast’. When I did start thinking of food (Starbucks Gingerbread Loaf… to be exact), I went to YouTube and watched some videos of extended fasts people had done. It got me back on track.

I really struggled with falling asleep last night. I tossed and turned and couldn’t get comfortable. Usually sleep is not an issue. Took me a couple hours to finally fall asleep and woke earlier than I would have liked. Probably got about 5 hours of sleep. I know we need less sleep when fasting but I would still like to get 7 hours. On average (when not fasting) I sleep 8-9 hrs a night. I feel like I function best with a solid amount of sleep. I woke up a little grumpy (I was more grumpy yesterday) but my mood has been improving as the morning goes on. My physical energy is on the low side. A little bit of lightheadedness today as well.

I am taking magnesium/potassium/salt.

(TMI) I had a BM yesterday and one today as well. I know Magnesium contributes to keeping things moving along… but I expect that to slow or stop completely as I can’t imagine what’s left.

I reluctantly decided to weigh myself this morning because I want to have an accurate idea of weight loss. I was not 100% sure where I started but guess it would have been in mid to high 160s. My weight this morning is 160.9.

I notice this fast feels different mentally. I have tried and failed multiple times and there’s a pattern to my “fails”. In previous fasts when I caved, I would think about different foods getting to the point of obsessing over particular cravings. My thoughts would lead me to Internet searches of recipes and fawning over photos of the meal I was craving. Then negotiating with myself that I would go to the store and buy the ingredients for when my fast was finished… to (you guessed it) cooking the food and deciding that instead of an extended fast, I would do ADF with OMAD. I always let myself off-the-hook. And I never followed through w/the promises I made to myself. Anyone else relate to this pattern or is it just me? I realize this time, that approach is just reinforcing my giving up on myself which leads to more feelings of shame and in-turn makes me want to eat to comfort myself. Ahhhh… thats the cycle that got me here in the first place.

I looked in my closet this morning. I have some great clothes that are never worn. I used to really make an effort with my appearance. I would always do some makeup and my fix my hair and dress well. The past decade has been stretchy ugly clothes, hair in a messy topknot and no makeup. My outside appearance reflects my inner feeling of defeat. No more. I’m worth the effort of taking care of myself physically, mentally and emotionally.

I can see this journey will be a self-love journey. It’s time I get to know myself again and rally. I know I can do the 7 days … and I expect it to be toughest from now until Day 7. But I’m in it to win it.

Will update tomorrow.

Have a good one.

[Miramar]

@Kyle

I had a BM yesterday and one today as well. I know Magnesium contributes to keeping things moving along… but I expect that to slow or stop completely as I can’t imagine what’s left.

That doesn’t stop. Even on much longer fasts. You will still have excretions happening there. Never trust a fart.

[Stacia]

Kyle I sure can relate to pretty much everything you said ! The not having food in my house dosnt stop me one bit as I’ll drive to get it anytime of the day or night, the losing a decade to being overweight (I stayed in the 130’s at the most before that, I’m 100 pounds overweight now … can you say ugh?!!)… I’m also a single mom of two older boys that have some challenges (OCD, ADHD, anxiety)… the clothes with tags in my closet, the going from dressing cute to yoga pants and long shirts, no makeup, … i just wanted you to know it was nice to know I’m not alone even though these are not the things we would wish to bond on … I’m on day 3 also !! We can do this !!! Hang in there !!

[Stacia]

I decided I’m not going to set a time because every time I do that my mind starts saying “wow, that’s a long time, we better binge one more day to get it out of my system”. … it’s the same ol thing that plays out in my head every time and I give in. I am hoping to go further than I ever have (10 days) but there is a part of me that says 40 days would be amazing !! Ha… I’m really just thinking “let’s get through today”… I’m so tired of the games my inner animal brain throws at me. I’m actually angry about all this obesity and food addiction … it’s weird, I used to cry over it, now I’m just pissed off . Lol . I look around and think, how are all these ladies doing it and I can’t?! Addiction is so so so horrible … no one can tell me that food addiction isn’t real ya know? I truly think it’s mostly physical and the rest emotional … sugar and flour send me into a frenzy (like a trance) … and to come out of it is horrible. Day 3 for both of us … let’s not lose momentum, we can do this … finally !! Right?!

[creamyreemy0]

You just perfectly articulated all of my justifications for failing on some of my previous fasts. “I’ll start again tomorrow”, or “Maybe I’m being too extreme”, or “I’ll just have one spoonful of ice cream and keep going”. It’s like I’m cheating on myself with food; I know full well I have more than enough to sustain me, and every time I break course, it never feels worthwhile. I love how you said “this journey will be a self-love journey”. There’s something beautiful about stripping away the excess to reconnect with the essential versions of ourselves, and nothing achieves this better than fasting.

[creamyreemy0]

Seriously, it NEVER tastes as good as it does in our minds. Do you think the shame cycle is a symptom of self-sabotage? Asking because I’m guilty of jeopardizing my own progress for fear of being (1) dissatisfied with the potential outcome and (2) undeserving of a positive outcome. As for not showing up for yourself, it sounds like you’re just a damn good mom. I can’t imagine what it would be like to raise two sons on my own, but if you can manage that, you deserve a 7-day vacation.

I’m midway through Day 5 of 40. Just taking it day by day and scrutinizing every inch of myself to make it as far as possible.

[Stacia]

I noticed the journal is helping and reading others. It’s like writing what we are feeling is like a reset again … to get it out… I decided I’m going to write whatever I’m truly struggling with at the moment and not hold back … I think it’s all the bs head games we play in our head that keeps us turning to Food. I’m going to try something different, like saying outloud the head games and get them out of me … does that make sense ?! I want to eat right now but I’m not going too… I like what you said about “keeping a promise to myself”… I too keep promises to everyone but me !! I would say I’m a really good, loving mom but then I shove food in me that hurts me !! Why?! Hmmm

[Kyle]

I’m journaling here for the same reason… to get it out of my head AND to hold myself accountable. Trying to be as honest as possible. I’m proud of us. Three days is good!!! I just watched a young YouTuber on a 7 day fast and she broke on day four. For some reason, it made me feel more human. It reminds me that this is hard stuff and we will do this. How many people can truly say they have gone WITHOUT any food for 2,3,4,5,7,10,21,30,40 DAYS… honestly it must be a VERY small percentage of the population. Like I said before, we got this!

[Stacia]

Yes! I watch a lot of utubers too … We are human and I’ve failed on almost every fast I’ve tried so it wouldn’t surprise me at all if I cave but I’m going to shoot for one day at a time for maybe 40 days?! If I cave I’m going to be honest on my journal because if I can’t be honest on this anonymous journal then where can I be?! . Good luck to us all, we can do this one hour at a time !!

[Amber_Duff]

. I am incredibly happy that you are doing something for yourself!

[Kyle]

DAY 4 (87 Hours In)

So backing up to last night (around 73-76 hrs in). MAJOR STRUGGLE. The thoughts of specific meals were HARD to cope with. Weirdly enough, I was fantasizing about two different meals I had OVER 22 years ago and haven’t thought of since. Although the food I was reminiscing about was odd… my usual internet search of those restaurants and recipes was right on point for my pattern. I KNEW this and did it anyway!! After searching the recipes/restaurants I began the negotiations in my brain… well FORTUNATELY I am journaling here and also knew I would be accountable this time (a good reason you lurkers should journal). So, I went to bed (which sleeping was also a struggle) and woke up this morning so GRATEFUL I didn’t cave. That was a hard win.
To address sleep…
I really enjoy my sleep. Typically I have great dreams that I can recall, I fall asleep easily, and I sleep long and hard. The last two nights of fasting have not been good for my sleep cycle. I have really struggled to fall asleep (taking 2-3 hours to drift off) and then I wake after about 5-6 hours and recall nothing of my dreams. I have to say I feel cheated in this department as I sometimes prefer my restorative sleep and dreams to my waking life. Sad, I know… but the dreams are so good. Anyway, I’m hoping to get a ‘normal’ night of sleep before the fast ends. I’ll keep you posted.
So onto today. My physical energy is lower than yesterday. I am getting winded just walking about my home. So far this morning, hunger/cravings are not an issue. But hunger/cravings tend to happen later in the afternoon and definitely in the evening for me… so we will see how the later part of the day goes.
Mentally and emotionally I feel good but I am BORED. So bored. When so much of your life revolves around eating, meal planning, restaurants… fasting leaves a LOT of extra time. As I mentioned, I take care of my disabled son, so I don’t have many outlets to occupy my time. I do have to go grocery shopping this afternoon to pick up food for my son. I should probably tackle that earlier rather than later as I know later is when the cravings/hunger struggle tends to ensue.
Question: For those of you that battle emotional eating or obsessive cravings… when does that disappear for you on a long fast? Or does it disappear?

Anyway… I’m officially MORE than half way through to the seven day finish line. Happy about clearing that hurdle.

Hows everyone doing on their fast today?

[Stacia]

Hi Kyle! I just read your post after posting in my journal and wow! We both had the same evening but didn’t cave ! Great job !! The sleep part you wrote about is exactly what I’ve dealt with too !! Two days of no sleep (tossing and turning and kept waking up) and for me too I sleep like a rock and love dreaming !! It’s sad to say that eating and sleeping are definitely my favorite part of every day. I have this need and love to make sure my boys are well (which brings me peace) and then it’s sleeping and eating … there is really nothing else’s I want to do … i look around and think, yeah, I too could do a hobby or be more social but nothing gives me passion in those areas … I guess that’s what we are going to have to figure out … what in life gives us joy besides something that hurts us in the end … having food and sleep taken away is prettty brutal but I keep telling myself to feel good in my own skin is worth everything !!! This is the hardest thing I’ve ever done because with everything else I had food to cope … how to cope without my pacifier??? . Hugs and great job on day 4… let’s keep going and figure this out

[Miramar]

Yes, eventually the hunger subsides. And it gets easier every time as well. But each fast is different.

Staying keto between refeeds is key. And make sure you have researched your refeed if you are truly ending on day 7. Don’t run out for Pizza right away.

[Stacia]

Checking in with you Kyle, how are you doing?

[creamyreemy0]

Round of applause for getting through Day 4! Just a few short days away from the promised land

I’m sorry to hear your sleep is compromised somewhat, but I’m hopeful that’ll change for you soon. It’s only a matter of time before your dreams become so vivid, you’ll feel like you’re living them out. Especially if you’re a natural dreamer. Maybe it’s sad that I too, prefer my dream state to real life, but as far as I’m concerned, dreams are just as real.

At this point, are you resolved to end after Day 7, or are you thinking about possibly going further?

[Kyle]

Goodmorning Stacia. About to update!

[Kyle]

DAY 5 (109 hrs in)

YAY! I have officially made this the longest fast I have ever done. That’s so satisfying.

Giving the synopsis on yesterday’s afternoon/evening, IT WAS BRUTALLLLLL. I thought the afternoon/evening of day 2 and 3 were hard… BUT yesterday (end of day four and beginning of day 5) were the worst so far by way of having intense cravings. The mental battle was SO difficult. I might sound extreme… but it really was EXTREME for me. It felt like a war going on in my own mind. I can now see my dependence on food (comfort food in particular) is much stronger than I gave it credit for, even though I knew it was there. For all you struggling in day two, three or four… please know you CAN GET THROUGH IT… Because I did! So, hold on and don’t give up. There IS a reprieve!

Last night I SLEPT (YAY!!!). I think I got a SOLID 8 hours of sleep last night. Maybe that mental battle finally wore me out enough. I fell asleep rather easily, had dreams last night and woke up so happy. I LOVE a good night’s sleep.

My body feels “off” today. I can’t explain it, it’s a different type of physical feeling. I wish I knew how to describe it… but I am not hungry (for now) and not even obsessing about any food (for now). I feel a little lightheaded and definitely feel “lazy”… like I just want to lay around. But my mental state feels happy, grounded and very pleased with myself for conquering another day.

I will officially complete my 7 Day Fast in 59 hours from now. I haven’t decided if I want to stretch it longer. Once my main goal is accomplished, I’ll see then. This has been a Hell-Week… so I may continue as I would not want to go through this agony again anytime soon… but I may end as my main goal was keeping the promise to myself. I’ll keep you posted…

I’m off to run errands w/my son. I look forward to reading about everyone’s day/fast and see how it’s going.

If anyone is just starting out, my words of advice are… SMALL STEPS… you will get there but focus on each hour OR minute as they come and prepare yourself that it will GET HARD but you can conquer your mind. It really is a head game with yourself and you are the only one that determines who “wins”.

Happy fasting everyone!

[Stacia]

Yaaa Kyle ! Great job ! I’m on day 5 too !! You are soooo right, it is definitely a mental game … it’s been crazy to really zero in that I’m not physically hungry but my mind is starving … starving for what right? Food is not the answer, but what is the question?! . dealing with Life as it is can can be so hard some days … even when everything is going ok … I read somewhere once someone said “I was born with a low grade anxious disposition” and I could relate to that ! Rooting for your day !!