Not sure what to say today. I felt horrible yesterday. After not sleeping and a serious case of DOMS I spent the whole day resting on the heating pad. My heart was very raw and I cried a bit on an off through the day. Grief mingled with anger and forgiveness was a constant back and forth. Heart is still tender today but not raw. Yesterday I worked on locating the places in my body I was holding tension as a visceral reaction to emotions. Felt many of them but the verdict is still out on if I was able to soothe anything. Part of my practice has always been rooted in movement. In cases like mine, deep meditative states + my neurological disease manifest with almost manic energy. In order to stay grounded it is necessary for me to move (mindfully but vigorously). I has been my experience that keto/fasting/OMAD is a double edged sword, however so are most lifestyles. The heavier fatty foods ground me but the deeper I go into ketosis the more energy I have. This requires mediation.
Ate two quasi meals yesterday some tofu in the morning and a small thing of cheesy popcorn in the afternoon. 2.7 mmol. Had to purchase new winter clothes because most of mine from last year are too big now. I want to swim today but I will practice restraint. It would cause further harm to my body. I have lost my appetite somewhat. I get hungry, no doubt, but my mouth, ear, eye, heart, and nose hunger have been 0. I do have a very small touch hunger. This is interesting. I think it is tied to my grief?
Since I started my media fast in March, very slowly, I’ve been working on transforming anger and fear into compassion, forgiveness, and joy. However, I spent so many moments with manifestations of anger I never allowed myself to spend significant amounts of time letting my grief be. Focusing on transforming anger is something I have a lot of practice in, But I’ve never had to deal with grief in such an isolated way. In the past I always worked with this through civic action or what some people call “engaged Buddhism.” I volunteered as much as I could. Since being shut in with the pandemic I have not been able to engage with the community. Once I realized this I got in contact with NAMI to volunteer over the phone and contacted my local women’s correction facility to find pen pals. The best way to help and sustain myself, sit with and bear witness to everyones’ pain is to work with others. I’m sure many people are in lots of distress and I know inmates aren’t even allowed their usual visitors. Now is the time to listen.
I’ll eat when I eat today. I turned off my fasting time tracker for the time being. Collecting data is extremely beneficial but I’m going to try experimenting with the 9 hungers over the course of the day. Since I have no appetite I want to see what hungers arise, or don’t arrise, if I feel any attachment or aversion to foods and what they may be correlated with.
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He is insanely happy- he was just very tired in that photo. We have a big fenced in back yard so he ran around like a mad man. We have to keep his separate for about a week. However, that’s probably not going to happen. Too many dogs needing handling all at once! The vet said our other dogs should be ok since they have all their vaccines so this is mostly a precaution.