Kristy's Journal

[Kristy]

Amen Sister! I love sugar- making art with it and sharing it in all it’s glorious incarnations are some of my best memories. I’m totally with you on everything! Like everything happening right now it just couldn’t be more important to really understand and validate our history.

TRIGGER WARNING!!! pictures of amazing pastries!

It may not be appropriate to post these photos so please forgive me but here is how much I love sugar !

Mini entremet: White chocolate blueberry mousse filled with lemon curd, on a lemon shortbread cookie, topped with a blueberry lemon mirror glaze and Italian meringue buttercream.

Tart: White chocolate matcha cremeux on top of a strawberry rhubard glee in toasted almond tart.

Dark chocolate espresso cake with Italian meringue buttercream, white chocolate bark, espresso and chocolate macaron. 24K gold leaf

A haunted gingerbread house for my niece’s

[Kristy]

Don’t know what to say. Just found out that Data is sick and we won’t be getting him for 4-6 week AFTER his symptoms go away. Just going to cry. Don’t want to emotionally eat, actually the thought of food is making me feel ill.

Swim tomorrow. Heavy period. Even though I’m sticking to super strict keto and eating 20:4 I’m totally out of ketosis. Getting a bunch of tests done today from the dr’s. I’m working hard on cultivating loving kindness, compassion, empathy, and taking care of the fear of the unknown. But at this point I feel like we’re all in this horrible Twilight Zone episode and not even Rod Sterling knows WTF is going on.

[Miramar]

Well, my last period day was August 12th😂

But I know better than to toss the feminine products - I went a good 2 months or better during lockdown without it.

So sorry you have to wait longer for your puppy.

Maybe though there’s something you can help me with on the side.

I used to live in Greenwich ct and we had this one bakery on the avenue that makes my favorite chocolate cake of all time. A small cake. Probably has chocolate ganache. The cake itself was moist - the kind of cake you don’t want a huge slice of because it’s so rich.

I want that cake for my birthday - need a recipe. I can’t find any place local that even comes close.

I’m not jessica, lol, but I think this is it or close

https://g.co/kgs/YP2yYW

[Kristy]

@Miramar

Dark Choc Cake

Ingredients
Unsalt butter 680 gm
Super dark Black Coffee 680 gm
Cocoa pwd 170 gm
72% Choc 340 gm
Brown Sug 1021 gm
Egg 720 gm (12)
vanilla extract 26 gm
AP flour 511 gm
Kosher salt 12 gm
baking soda 28 gm

Instructions
"Preheat oven to 350
Melt Butter, Coffee, choc, nilla, and cocoa pwd in double boiler
In mixing bowl mix brown sugar and eggs
Add in choc mixture
Add in dry ingredients
bake 30 minutes "

Italian meringue buttercream- just add a high quality melted chocolate to it once it is done emulsifying

Ingredients
82% Butter	1200 gm
Nilla Extract	20 gm
Egg White	420 gm
Water	200 gm
Kosher Salt	3 gm
Gran sugar	740 gm
Corn Syrup	40 gm
Instructions
In stainless steel pot bring water, sugar, and corn syrup to 242 or

firm ball

Whisk egg whites to soft peaks add salt
While egg white are mixing - Add boiling sugar slowly increasing the whisk
speed
Wisk until room temperature (about 40 minutes)
Slowly add in room temperature one small piece at a time. Add vanilla last
Whisk until full emulsion

Or Stella Parks has this amazing easy choc swiss buttercream

Delicious Chocolate Frosting Starts With Brown Sugar Swiss Meringue

Super easy ganache (I add a bit of honey and vanilla to mine)

How to Make Chocolate Ganache

[Kristy]

“When we come into contact with the other person, our thoughts and actions should express our mind of compassion, even if that person says and does things that are not easy to accept. We practice in this way until we see clearly that our love is not contingent upon the other person being lovable.” -Thich Nhat Hahn

I cried as I swam this morning. Crying while swimming is a very interesting experience! Holding my pain close today. Loving it tenderly. I had a very odd visualization while swimming. I am crazy bloated from my period and I look preggers. The pain was a baby inside me that I had to take care of no matter what. Seeing as I really really do not want children this was fascinating new feeling. Usually I think of suffering as a small child that I hold and love but this time it was in me. Completely dependent on how I nurture my body and thoughts.

Anyway- Was pleasantly surprised that I was able to do OMAD yesterday. Even though I only ate fat and protein I’m still no longer in ketosis.

Making kale chips today. It’s a good day to turn on the oven. Today is about puppy smooches, following the breath, and watching the colorful leaves dance in the wind.

[Miramar]

I bought a bag of store kale chips. I wasn’t that excited about them after trying.

I do like the new Shrooms in a bag. Light and airy. Have to wonder if they get freeze dried to hold their shape.

I have my second load in the dryer. It’s electric, so I just let it vent into the house. Cheap Florida heating.

Totally overcast today and a bit cool for here for me.

You have me contemplating baking something when the dryer finishes😂.

Just had lunch, and have enough soup for dinner and more Watermelon.

[Kristy]

@Miramar Oh you have to make the kale chips yourself- the ones in the bag are terrible! They’re always tough, flavorless, and have a grainy texture. However, it’s a lot of work (just like regular potato chips) for just a few handful of the crisp salty morsels but it’s worth it!

[Kristy]

I just had the most heartwarming experience! I live in a very rural part of Iowa. Everyone is friendly but politics lately has things… tense…

I have a sign under my big oak tree in my front yard that has some lovely affirming words on it. It’s only slightly political. Mostly it just says everyone deserves love. Some random person just knocked on my door and asked me if I could move the sign closer to the street so more people could see it. She told me she needed to see signs like it more frequently and she was extremely grateful I had it in my yard because today was hard for her.

Haven’t eaten yet today. Nothing really sounds good.

[Kristy]

So I guess I’ve unintentionally fasted for 40 hours. Amazing what can happen when the period fog lifts. 2.1 mmol this morning from .7 yesterday. I wasn’t fasting to not eat food or attain anything. Though the scale did fall dramatically.

I was exploring emptiness- particular to the Zen tradition. I spent a lot of time contemplating why people are so afraid of being empty. Why this “me, me, me” " I, I, I?" The narrative we construct of our lives’ and worldviews is meaningful and has a purpose. How we fill our stomachs, if we are privilaged enough to have access to a regular supply of food, mindlessly in an attempt to heal our emotions. When we all have access to healing right now- if we just gave the present moment our attention.

The narrative constructed by this attachment to ego is powerful and I sometimes abandon the present moment fixating on the past, future, or fantasy’s about “what-ifs”. None of this is “good” or “bad” they are just opportunities for me to look deeply.

Not sure when I’ll break my fast. I’ll continue to explore this experience. However, I do anticipate the need to break my fast at some point today. After an extremely heavy period both physically and emotionally and swimming for two days I know my body needs to be replenished.

@maga Surprisingly, I did not experience the “euphoria” yet. Usually it can happen after as little as 14 hours. I wonder if it’s my hormones balancing after my cycle?

Continuing my media fast. I do read some news. But only when my husband and I are together so we can talk about it and experience it together.

[Kristy]

Chose to break my fast just before the 48 hour mark. I didn’t need to eat but I didn’t want to wait until I could not eat mindfully. I also didn’t want my sleep to be disturbed tonight. I just had a small bowl of my mushroom/cashew/veggie/lentil soup and I feel like I’m bursting at the seams. I didn’t eat until I was full. Very interesting!

[maga]

Kristy, I think its different on a water fast. My senses are much sharper but its taking longer. I have not yet reached that stage too. But I am starting to feel awesome. Try this for 5 mins, it may make you feel very refreshed:

• Close your eye, relax your body.
• Deep breathe for 1 minute. Feel the air fill up to your lungs, foucs on trying to hear your breathe. Keep a timer. You should feel slightly tingly or light headed - actually I dont know how to describe it.
• Next remember or see pictures of all of the happiest moments.
• When you feel great and have a slight smile - then envison all your end goals.
• Open your eyes and say - “it is done, so be it.”

I know it sounds quacky, but it will make you feel great if done right I think at least. Give it a go and let me know.

BTW - Any suggestions on how to start exploring Zen philosophy… any links or resources… your post has inspired me.

[Kristy]

@maga Thank you for the exercise! I am very lucky to have an established meditation practice. Like the timer you mentioned I have a mindfullness bell that chimes every 15 minutes. When it chimes I completely stop what I’m doing and just focus on my breath. I was actually going to be a Buddhist nun but then I met my husband and well… some vows I couldn’t take…

Feeling great is wonderful! But feeling horrible, sad, anger and the whole pantheon of emotions is awesome too. It’s a miracle to have emotions! I practice, sometimes not very successfully, to just experience my emotions as they are, in that moment, without judgement or preconceived notions.

I do enjoy remembering all of my memories: the wonderful and horrific. How I have chosen to respond to those events and memories manifests my values, character, actions and habits. However, I do not have any “end” goals. I just want to be alive and present in this moment- It’s literally all the time we have. My only “aim” is to bring joy, compassion, and empathy into this world. I do that by cultivating that within myself and doing what I can to listen deeply to others.

My big “why” doesn’t really have much to do with my weight. Sometimes I’ll be overweight sometimes I’ll be dangerously thin. I have a serious illness that knocks me out every couple of years so I just want to keep this body healthy enough to cope with the next round of six feet under. I’ve made a promise to my family that I’ll fight for life as long as possible.

Buddhist (generally) only eat 1 or 2 meals a day in a restricted time window (traditionally between dawn and noon). (This is not the case if you are ill). This is not only part of the Dharma or middle path but has historical/societal/ traditional significance for the time and place it became a practice. I do not fast for weight loss, though it does assist in that. For me it is primarily spiritual and the weight/ketones are fun data points. I have brain damage from not sleeping and am not able to remember many years of my life and it is difficult for me to make new memories/ i have a distorted perception of time. I am trying keto because research shows that it may reduce risks of all sorts of things I’m going to probably have sometime. I like knowing how all things are interconnected- inter-are. It’s also important for me to have all of those data points for my doctors. I am very closely monitored by specialists and we have to act immediately (with all relevant data) if anything causes my systems to go “out of whack” so to speak.

As far as Buddhism or Zen goes a wonderful place to start is just with mindfulness. A secular author that I love is John Kabat-Zinn. I resonate with the teachings of Thich Nhat Hahn the most. He is a Vietnamese zen monk. A delightful, simple, short, and profound book to start with is “Peace Is Every Step” by Thich Nhat Hahn.

[Kristy]

Thought I was able to do OMAD yesterday but ended up needing to extend my eating hours. Although I felt full after my mushroom soup a couple of hours later I was still had cellular hunger and ate some brie, tofu, and Bulgarian yogurt (omg if you haven’t had this stuff it is soooo yummy!). Digesting food was a bit uncomfortable at first but my tummy settled down.

swimming today. Dax is getting his staples out later today which is awesome! He’s been so rambunctious with the change of weather and he really misses rough housing with Doodlebug. Data is also feeling much better and is able to eat and drink on his own. He is getting pretty cooped up too, being separated from the other puppies. 2020 dude.

Yesterday I realized my impatience was rooted in anger, and my anger in fear. Fear of lost time with Data as a puppy, fear for his health and safety, grasping at the schedule I was expecting to have and needing to adapt. I am much more at peace now that I have found the root emotions I was allowing to steal the present moment. I tended to them with loving kindness and know this fear was exacerbated by PMS and my period. Although I logically know during this time emotions are heightened and more often than not, irrational, they are none the less valid and are an opportunity to choose to respond instead of react. I think I’m going to find a way as I track my cycle to set up reminders to be conscious of my vulnerability during this time to get caught up in distorted feelings. I have mood trackers but I think I need something less passive. Any ideas?

I am curious to see if getting my IUD removed in December will change my period at all. My endocrinologist may have some insight about my thyroid also effecting my cycle.

Not sure when/if I’ll break my fast today. Want to have enough energy to spend this weekend with my hubby.

Bodies are odd creatures. On my period I didn’t break .7mmol spotting stopped yesterday and today I’m at 2.7mmol.

[Kristy]

We might be able to pick up Data in 10 days. However we’d have to keep him away from Doodlebug and Dax for a week. Glad he is doing better! Expectations are tyrants so I’m not fixed on this date. I just want to bring home a healthy and happy fur baby and that takes as long as it takes

[Kristy]

After looking at all the data I’ve collected while doing keto I’ve realized I experience pretty extreme euphoria when I’m at 2.5 mmol or higher. It seems to hit me most severely right after my period but not always.

Yesterday the euphoria hit me like a tsunami. At first I was just feeling energized and perky then I found myself singing while skipping down the street. Luckily I was able to exercise the excessive energy out. Since I worked out so hard though I knew I’d be ravenous later on in the day. I explored my hunger asking “what am I hungry for? What part of me is hungry?” until my cellular hunger was front and center. In retrospect I think I would have been able to eat more mindfully if I broke my fast sooner. I went for about 24 hours. After looking deeply into my hunger I knew I needed protein. I ate lots of yummy grilled tofu then had a small bowl of cheesy spicy popcorn. I did eat slowly. It took about an hour to eat everything but I was not as grateful for the food. I was so hungry I was not able to focus all of my attention on gratitude and compassion while eating.

Still in the upper 2 mmol. Feeling cellular hunger so I’ll probably have a longer eating window today. I can feel my muscles asking to be replenished after the most vigorous workout I’ve done in a very long time.

Reading an okish book called “Buddha’s Diet.” Has some very interesting historical facts but is also a bit black and white. Overall 2 1/2 our of 5.

[Kristy]

Swimming today. The pool keeps switching it’s hours. The pool has lots of morning hours this week which works much better with my schedule. Have moderate DOMS from my swim on Friday so I’ll probably take it easy in the pool, 2.5 mmol this morning and another lb down on the scale. Only ate one meal yesterday. After my intense work out on Friday my body/cellular hunger was screaming for protein and fat. My mouth hunger wanted cheesy broccoli. Went with the protein and fat. Broke my fast around 18 hours. Have no idea how long I’ll fast today. Swim at 2pm central.

Our dog breeder sounds pretty confident that we can pick up Data on the 11th! I’m not getting my hopes up. In case we can pick him up Sunday I will not swim Friday or Saturday. That should hopefully give my body enough time to mostly recover from 5 days of swimming. After all this exercise my body is starting to feel “tight.” Although my back is still tender and I must be careful I am noticeably stronger.

Praying over my food yesterday I was so grateful for the abundance in my life and how I was raised in regards to my relationship with food. I was lucky enough to eat the majority of meals with my family. I usually helped cooked and there were no rules about how much I should or shouldn’t eat. Although I was not introduced to a wide variety of foods (we were strictly meat and potato) my family was very supportive of me when I took my vows and became vegetarian. I had never had a single bean or properly cooked vegetable in my life before then. Now my family is more than willing, and sometimes even eager, to try whatever vegetable dishes I cook when we get together. After my culinary training my father wanted to learn so much from me. Food is very much an act of love in my family and I am so grateful.

[Kristy]

I’m very cheerful today and I thought of this and had a fit of the giggles!

[Michelle]

Lol! Very appropriate

[Kristy]

When I was on the trajectory to be a Buddhist nun and after at a Buddhist university I followed Ōryōki (or-ee-o-key) practice. Ōryōki is a Zen way of eating that translates as “vessel that contains just the right amount.” It is usually practiced as a group but I think I will start this practice, as much as I can, again on my own. Ōryōki traditionally is a set of 3 or 5 nested bowls with wooden spoon, chopsticks, a cleaning stick, and two cloths (a place mat and a “napkin/cleaning cloth”). Like most things in the Zen tradition it is a very elaborate dance that beautifys the mundane. All practices in Zen emphasize the non-dual relationship between host and guest. I will have to find a way to modify the practice since I will not be served or serving food as Tenzo.

I am becoming more and more aware of the lack of spiritual community in my life and the impact it is having on my morale. I’m sure this is a universal feeling right now. I’ve been feeling very nostalgic for ritualized life. Especially tea ceremony and Ōryōki practice.

Ōryōki practice would also be an appropriate way to do OMAD. Not sure how I’ll practice it with the constant interruptions from my 2 dogs and new puppy. It will be fun experimenting!

If anyone is interested in Ōryōki practice here is a link:

https://terebess.hu/zen/szoto/oryoki.html

[Michelle]

This looks really interesting. Thank you for the link. My H was also on the path to become a buddhist monk, but decided not to. I’m going to show him your post if I may, because I think that Õryõki practice is something that would suit us very well.