Kristy's Journal

[Kristy]

“Everything—including love, hate, and suffering—needs food to continue. If suffering continues, it’s because we keep feeding our suffering.”

― Thích Nhất Hạnh

Ate within a 5ish hour window yesterday. Broke my fast around 21 hours. Ate a giant bowl of veggie curry with tofu then later a big bowl of cheesy popcorn. 2.5 mmol today same weight. Not sure about food today. ovulating and am pretty hungry. Feel my uterus being all sorts of unhappy. Ugh PMDD. I’ll just have to be happy for it.

Chose to mindlessly eat my curry yesterday. Managing a 10 week old puppy and two other dogs on little sleep meant I just needed food. But it was a deliberate choice. I said a brief prayer then gobbled it down during the 10 minute nap Data took. However, I will use needing to constantly tend the dogs as an opportunity to fast. Some day’s this will be effective some day’s it won’t. Sleep is really the deciding factor. If I don’t get enough sleep (or am constantly interrupted to take a puppy tinkies) then I just need to eat more than if I’m well rested.

If anyone wants to see my puppy videos I’m posting them on facebook. My avatar name is Doodlebug Dax. I can’t seem to load the videos here. This facebook page is exclusively for my dog videos. There will be no posts about ANYTHING else

Doodlebug Dax

[Kristy]

His teeth are razor sharp knives of pure joy

[spull]

PUPPYYYYY!!!

[Stacia]

Kristy !! He is so cute I want to hug him right thru my phone!! He’s some pure joy !! So happy (and jealous) - well except the sharp teeth and no sleep . What a precious cutie!!

[Kristy]

The sleepiness is real! Not much sleep with data and the other two dogs last night. Letting my tiredness be and being mindful that it will affect my emotions. Short fuse, less patience etc. I broke my fast with a few cubes of cheese after 13 hours. Meds + little sleep+ pain meds + coffee = a whole lot of unnecessary pain.

Bodies are intricate, dynamic, and for me confusing ugly bags of mostly water (TNG reference). I went from 3.7 mol a couple of days ago- started ovulation and am down to 1.5 without changing my food intake/timing. It’s so fascinating to see all the cause and effects! I probably won’t be able to get on the scale for awhile. puppies don’t sit still. I think this will be a great opportunity. I use my weight as data to track and see how all things are related/ intercontected to the body. Taking a step back from this process to tend the herd might lead to some other interesting outcomes! Will I gain weight? Lose? will my measurements change? I might try to get on the scale before and after my period, though. That data is very valuable.

No fasting window today. I’ll eat when I need to and when I have time.

[Kyle]

I’m such a fan of sleep that my sleep takes priority (over meals) in regards to my health. Sounds like you have a new baby in the house. I hope the schedule evens out for you very soon!

I’m jealous of your cheese cubes. That sounds good right now!
I have some cheese in my fridge but I’m weird about only eating newly bought cheese. Once it has been in my fridge for over a week, I won’t touch it. I know it’s not logical… but I have some quirks, to say the least.

Hope your Sunday goes well, Kristy!

[Kristy]

With all of the horribleness right now I’ve been contemplating this poem. All of everything is part of me and vice versa. Compassion instead of anger. Everything is transient

Please Call Me By My True Names
By Thich Nhat Hanh

Don’t say that I will depart tomorrow–even today I am still arriving.

Look deeply: every second I am arriving to be a bud on a Spring branch, to be a tiny bird, with still-fragile wings, learning to sing in my new nest, to be a caterpillar in the heart of a flower, to be a jewel hiding itself in a stone.

I still arrive, in order to laugh and to cry, to fear and to hope. The rhythm of my heart is the birth and death of all that is alive.

I am a mayfly metamorphosing on the surface of the river. And I am the bird that swoops down to swallow the mayfly.

I am a frog swimming happily in the clear water of a pond. And I am the grass-snake that silently feeds itself on the frog.

I am the child in Uganda, all skin and bones, my legs as thin as bamboo sticks. And I am the arms merchant, selling deadly weapons to Uganda.

I am the twelve-year-old girl, refugee on a small boat, who throws herself into the ocean after being raped by a sea pirate. And I am the pirate, my heart not yet capable of seeing and loving.

I am a member of the politburo, with plenty of power in my hinds. And I am the man who has to pay his “debt of blood” to my people dying slowly in a forced-labor camp.

My joy is like Spring, so warm it makes flowers bloom all over the Earth. My pain is like a river of tears, so vast it fills the four oceans.

Please call me by my true names, so I can hear all my cries and laughter at once, so I can see that my joy and pain are one.

Please call me by my true names, so I can wake up and the door of my heart could be left open, the door of compassion.

[Miramar]

@Kristy

Will I gain weight? Lose? will my measurements change?

Tune in tomorrow!

[Kristy]

PMDD waltz in last night with some irrational anger. Sure I have some triggers like changing schedule, physical pain, and lack of sleep that make any symptoms worse. I almost never talk to anyone in anger. If I’m angry and am unable to practice right speech I tell the person I need space or am unable to speak until I can deal with the feelings. One of the ways I cope with destructive emotions is to transform the anger into love, compassion, and forgiveness. First for myself then towards anyone in my general vicinity. I apologize, explain the situation, and tell them something kind- usually some form of gratitude. No one is responsible for my feeling except me. No one can make me feel a particular way or invalidate my experience. That’s all the world I create and the ego’s narrative. One of the events that lead to these feelings was that my 9 year old niece started her period. My whole family is devastated. She can barely wrap her head around it. She has already lost so much of her innocence this year. However, my nieces are developing their identities and came up with their own Halloween costumes this year. My 9 year old niece has a very dry and sarcastic sense of humor and wants to be a giant Amazon box. A reflection of the times!

Ate some eggs with goat cheese, tofu, and cheesy popcorn yesterday during a 7 hour window. Didn’t eat much but needed more than one meal. Having to eat much faster than I usually do. It will just take time. 2mmol today.

Have to see my neurologist tomorrow for my botox migraine shots (20+ injections). But it doesn’t really hurt and it is 100% effective for me. Long drive.

[Miramar]

Wow. I know my period started in 7th grade. Poor thing I can’t imagine.

[spull]

@Kristy Great formulated about transmuting anger to love. That is my goal/I try to aswell. Only some days it doesnt work. Which must be ok too…
But thanks for the reminder! Its true, if someone triggers me its because I have something.
Goal is to be as unconditional as I can. A work in progress

[Kristy]

Thank you @spull ! It’s taken years and years of practice, cultivation, and therapy (with Buddhist therapist) also complete mindlessness. It helps when you have access to a supportive community and teachers you can trust unconditionally to have your/their best interests in heart.

Lots of people don’t have spiritual awaking or genuine self awareness unless they’ve had some major life changing event. I have been very very sick all my life. Somehow I make it but learning very young that you probably won’t live all that long was a transformative experience. Everything just “clicked” and being in the present moment, following my breath was literally all the time I had. I don’t believe in birth or death. I mean yes we have a physical birth/continuation and death/continuation moment but everything that is “Kristy” has always existed and will continue to exist. if that makes any sense.

[Kristy]

I know the anger was rooted in grief. I know she’ll suffer and our family will do everything to support her. I’m not a parent. I try to “walk a mile” in other peoples’ shoes but I’m working on looking deeply into this. It’s an interesting and funny thing knowing that we are a part of each other but that I would still rather her not experience something. Who am I to want to take away her journey and opportunities? I understand that fundamentally we don’t want anyone to suffer but my attachment to this is something I need to work on so I can be fully with her when she needs it

[spull]

@Kristy Yeah I can relate to the big painful things triggering awakening and all that you wrotemm . Having to redefine my values and evetything that is me. And sorry for the mistypos, I am a little shaky after our mega walk… Gonna rest.

Hope ur day will be good!

[Stacia]

Sending you hugs Kristy ! Just hug your little doggy and know that everything is right where it’s supposed to be. Your niece will be ok too, I’ve read that girls are starting younger and younger (I was 11 and I only had it once that year until 12)… I read it’s due to all the hormones in our meat and dairy. So upsetting that our food supply is just not natural anymore unless we make it a priority and even then how many foods are the same from 100’s of years ago? I could only think of about 5 Foods the rest are hybrids, gmos, and god only knows what (I’m sure being a Chef you know more than you want to know). …

[Kristy]

Back is all sorts of painful so I spent most of the day on pain meds playing with a puppy. All the up and down off the floor and lifting up Data to take him up and down stairs… ouch! Had a pretty big eating window today- actually ate some 92% chocolate! What can I say… pain meds…

[Kristy]

Waiting at the neurologist now. Got a major awesome grocery haul at the local co op. They had my ultimate favorite: sunflower sprouts! I don’t snack but I might make an exception and eat them out of the bag on the way home.

Trying to hold off taking pain meds for as long as possible. I obviously don’t want to drive while on those types of drugs. Extremely hungry. Usually it goes away but it’s so interesting that just one day of pain meds changes my hunger. Can’t win them all. Slept almost 10 hours. Which is crazy- I never sleep that much unless I’m really sick. Must have needed it.

No fasting plans for today. Just need to go with the flow and ride the wave. Have a hunch that after all my injections I’ll need something to take with the OTC meds

for the long drive home.

[Kyle]

Pain meds knock me out cold. I know they really change the way the body works, so I’m sure it has impacted your hunger. But take the meds if they improve your quality of life. So worth it!

Data is SO adorable. Love your puppy pictures.

[Kristy]

Thanks @Kyle ! I’ve also noticed that the pain meds aren’t as effective without food. I might not absorb them as well? 31 injections went fine!

[spull]

That puppy face! So beautiful with the black pattern. My doggie waves tails to you two!

I havent read your whole journal, may I ask what breed he is? He reminds me of a childhood friends bichon frise (spellng) but may be totally off!

I hope the pain settles down!