Third Time's the Charm

maywind · June 8, 2021, 6:13pm

This will be my third blog. I’m telling myself that the third time’s the charm.

In my last journal, my list of challenges included “possible PTSD”, among other things. As of now, it is no longer “possible” but rather “official”. Additionally, I’ve gained weight over the past few months; “normalcy” hasn’t been super easy for me, but I don’t want to continue making bad choices that I’ll regret.

Starting Goals

21 day fast
rebuild stamina post-pandemic

Challenges

PTSD and associated struggles
eating as a coping mechanism
self-soothing

I’m returning to a 5-day work schedule soon and I’m worried about how my body will handle it. I’ve been so tense for months that I’m in constant pain and I think my weight is exacerbating the matter substantially.

When energy, time, and my mood permit, I’d like to walk more to prep for work picking up. My job isn’t physically hard, I’m just really, really out of shape. It’s not that I didn’t know I could lose even my already limited stamina, I just hadn’t considered it as I became less active during the pandemic.

Beyond work, I’m very anxious about an upcoming trip this summer. It’ll involve a lot of walking, so there’s that concern again. Additionally, I’ll be seeing my in-laws and I’ve always felt out of place with them, less polished…it’s hard to explain. I just know I don’t feel comfortable with them so I don’t want to see them while still at this weight, I don’t want to feel so vulnerable. If I’m being honest, this is my major concern/fear, this is what’s motivating me the most.

maywind · June 9, 2021, 5:17pm

I had started to update my blog this morning, when I was still in a good mood. Then my co-worker “Rick” showed up. Rick is a contrarian. He also doesn’t always make a lot of sense. The two traits, combined, are frustrating. He simultaneously manages to be both condescending and confusing.

So now my mood is a bit off, which is always a risk for binging. But I’m coming up on 3 days of fasting and I don’t want to give in, not over this or over him.

That said, my energy level is pretty good today. I didn’t sleep well, the “fasting energy buzz” is in full swing already. Basically, when fasting, I can’t fall asleep at night. It takes hours! Then I crash at around 1:00am and wake up anywhere between 7:30 and 9:00 depending on the schedule that day…this morning I woke up at 7:30, immediately decided “nope”, and went back to sleep for 15 more minutes which wasn’t a sound decision on my part.

I think I’ll cut out early today, use some time off, and maybe try to get some fresh air or read or just decompress however feels best by then. 18 more days left, that’s not hard right?

maywind · June 10, 2021, 1:20pm

I did end up cutting out early yesterday. My husband and I went to B&N, originally so that I could buy a journal to track my thoughts, triggers, and emotions better. But I can’t go in a B&N without buying books so what was supposed to be a short visit became a longer visit… It picked up my mood, I was chipper and energetic all the way home and for hours afterward. I believe that fasting played a role, at least in my elevated level of energy.

I didn’t want to stay up late last night so I took half a dose of Zzzquil. I fell asleep just fine but waking up was still hard. I’m curious to know if this changes after, say, day 6 because I seem to remember having this issue in every other fast I’ve done, which never went beyond 6 days.

I’m down about 5-6 pounds but I’ve still got such a long way to go. I started so high this time. Looking back at historical data in my fasting app, I can see that I’m considerably heavier than I was last year. Rather than focusing on that number, I kind of just log it, tell myself I’m going to fly down away from it between now and 6/27, and then I move on. So I’ll add my height and weight stats at a later date, when I’m not so sensitive to it.