"Moving On" March

[maywind]

Gosh. Here we go again, in more ways than one. Obviously, I’m back because I want to give fasting another go. My longest fast, to date, was about 6-7 days long so I’m not really new to the process. But my weight is out of control and I need to get it, and my mental health, sorted out.

I started my first journal in May 2020, a year after my oldest brother died. I am starting this, my fourth journal, in March 2022, 2 months after my younger brother died. His passing has been even more traumatic for so many reasons and I miss him every day. For my own wellbeing, I can’t have much contact with my parents as they’ve only made everything worse so I’m turning inward.

To start, I want to fast for at least 6 days, ideally longer, as I’ve already managed 6 days in the past. I need to drink more water whether I’m fasting or not. And when my mood allows, I want to do some yoga because I’m constantly tense. Beyond that, I don’t want to make any big promises, I know this will be a long journey, even longer than I originally expected almost 2 years ago.

[maywind]

I’ve completed a few 24 hour fasts since I last posted which is okay but I really want to move on to a longer fast. I’ve decided that I’m starting now. My current fast began yesterday at 4:27pm and I’m aiming for a bare minimum of 6 days, which I’ve done a number of times in the past. If I can go further, that would be wonderful.

I’m going to head back into therapy to work through all of the trauma of the past few months. I keep meaning to reach out to initiate sessions but it’s just exhausting to have to keep doing this. But I’m also doing some genetic testing to see if certain meds will help more than others so I’m hopeful that something will change soon.

I think I’m going to have to start making in-person appearances at work soon so that’s part of my motivation to slim up so I feel better. Plus, I’m taking a trip in July and I really don’t want to ruin it by being in a weight-induced funk.

[maywind]

I kept making mistakes when attempting to start a new fast but I finally got going on 3/18 at 8:13pm. Tonight will mark my 3rd complete day of fasting.

I’m feeling good, at least as far as fasting goes. I’m focusing on water intake, allowing myself a bit of coffee and tea, and taking a keto supplement that’s helped in the past.

I’m stressed though. I’m tired a lot, not from fasting but from anxiety. I’m low on accrued time off and it feels like I’m on the razor’s edge. I’m hoping I find a way through that doesn’t blow up my life/job.

[maywind]

I’m feeling better today. I’m feeling a little more hopeful. I’m still overwhelmed at work, which causes me to procrastinate, but at least I’ve identified it as a problem and reached out to my therapist to restart sessions.

I was tired yesterday so I wanted a cup of coffee, but we discovered that the outlet our coffee pot is plugged into apparently turns off? When it does, the timer on the coffee pot is reset so the coffee doesn’t get made when scheduled. By midday, I was so tired that I ordered coffee (for me) and egg bites (for my husband) which is always something of a risk - openly accessible food. I’m proud to say that I didn’t take a single bite and I successfully delivered them to my husband when I got home.

I haven’t weighed myself and don’t plan to until at least 6 days have passed, ideally 10+. I know roundabout where I started so I’ll know roughly how much I lost when I finally do. I don’t need to see the number just yet, the last time I peeked it sent me into an emotional spiral even though I’d felt fine before.

[maywind]

Tonight will mark 5 days of fasting. I’m in a pretty good mood although I’m still terribly tired. I’m off tomorrow though so hopefully I can catch up on some sleep. I’m still finding it incredibly difficult to fall asleep when necessary so I’m always a few hours short, and the hours I do get aren’t great. I usually get a burst of energy from fasting roundabout now, I’m hoping that kicks in soon…

I had a bit of cramping in my abs this morning. It was right after my shower so I think I’m dehydrated. I’m going to try to focus on water today.

I ordered a BP cuff and it arrived yesterday. I read a study about a man who fasted for 50 days. On day 49, he went to the doctor for a general examination and they found that he had hypertension, or high blood pressure. They didn’t expect to find this though. They concluded, “As death resulting from starvation often occurs via cardiovascular complications, this elevated blood pressure during fast is key to note; this should be carefully monitered in fasting individuals.”

Since I want to do a much longer fast, and I’m sure my current weight can support me through it, I thought I should do it right. So I’m going to check my BP as I continue, to make sure I’m safe.

Physically, I’m not really hungry much anymore. I occasionally feel intense psychological hunger but I’ve not yet felt tempted to break. I feel it but I also feel, just as strongly, the fact that if I want to enjoy this summer, I’m running out of time so this is it, sink or swim.

[maywind]

Tonight will mark my 6th full day of fasting! I feel strong, I’m not sure what’s different this time but I’ve gotten better at ignoring the psychological hunger. I was even able to sit with my husband and watch tv while he ate dinner.

I think what’s pulling at me now is the urge to weigh myself. I feel so much less bloated and bogged down that I want to see how much I’ve lost, because on some level I think I’ve dropped more than what could be possible. So I’ve resisted that voice as well.

I’m hoping to use my day off to tidy up the house. It’ll make me feel more accomplished and it’s a bit of exercise.

[maywind]

…almost all of my recommended videos on YouTube are now of food. Send help.

[maywind]

I was excited to reach 8:13 tonight because I thought a week would be my longest fast. But I checked my fasting app and it looks like the longest fast I’ve ever done was actually nine days. Past-maywind set the bar fairly high. Nice job, nice job…

I yet again considered weighing myself, both last night and again this morning. Fortunately, I haven’t used the scale in a while and by now it’s probably been pushed halfway under the bed. I feel too tired (and lazy) to crawl on the floor for it and if I asked my husband to get it, he’d reply, “Are you sure this is a good idea?” To which the obvious answer is of course not, it’s definitely not a good idea, so he just won’t get it for me. The mystery of my weight continues. For now.

I work 8 days straight, starting today. I’m actually kind of looking forward to it because it’ll keep me busy. I was off yesterday and just about had a fit of boredom. My husband was out for work so it was just me and the pets and I got so antsy. Without food to focus on, a lot of my time is suddenly open.

I’ve been keeping up with the BP cuff pretty well but last night it felt really tight, like it hurt. I got my reading, which was good, and then I asked my husband to try it to see what he thought. TL;DR he didn’t mind it… But his BP is a bit higher than mine. If you don’t know what the numbers mean, my BP cuff readout will rate you by color - 3 different shades for the ranges that are good, yellow for elevated, etc. Well, mine is at the very bottom. His is in the upper range for green so I suggested that he investigate what may have it bumped a bit. So that’s pretty cool info to have now.

I’ve also been taking selfies every day I’m at work. So far, that’s just two. I hate doing it, my face is so round, but I’m hoping to see change over time that will inspire me to keep going.

[maywind]

I finally weighed myself. Obviously, the best time to do this is the morning so there’s that but yeah, my weight was higher than I thought/hoped. I’m a bit down, largely because I’m bored while I fast and the cold is getting to me, but I know I have to keep going. I really don’t have the luxury of stopping again.

[maywind]

I weighed myself again this morning. I’m 2 pounds lighter than yesterday. I estimate that I’ve lost around 8-10 pounds total so far. More importantly, I can get out of this terrible weight range tomorrow morning and, this time, I won’t be back!

I’m hoping it gets warm soon. The temperature is slowly ticking up but it’s supposed to rain 3 out of the next 8 days. And even though it’s not supposed to rain on Monday, the weather is dipping down to 21-30 degrees! It’s just hard because I get cold so easily now. Yesterday morning, I woke up in bed alone. I asked my husband why he slept in another room and he said that by the time he came to bed, our room was too hot. I just can’t feel it though, it feels warm to me, not hot. I think this has progressed from “I’m cold” to something akin to cold intolerance.

My keto breath is really getting to me in the morning. Throughout the day it’s fine. But for some reason, when I brush my teeth, the mix of keto breath and toothpaste combines to create something so foul I made myself nauseous this morning. I actually had to sit down and close my eyes until it passed. I’m wondering if a different toothpaste would, like…mix better?

I still feel a little tired today but I went to bed earlier last night so it’s not as bad. My mood is pretty chill, too. I contribute a lot of that to having finished The Midnight Library by Matt Haig. I could just relate to it so well, I can’t even put it into words. In any case, I recommend it.

As for hunger pains, they’re rare, short, and easily bearable. I feel full actually. If I can ignore any psychological hunger spikes, 40 days should be totally doable which is what my goal has been in the back of my mind.

[maywind]

I’m a bit bummed. I only “lost” .4lbs so I’m still on the cusp of this terrible weight range rather than out of it.

I’m still struggling with being cold. I’ve got plenty of fat but between my husband forgetting to increase the temperature on the thermostat until this morning, the constant rain and chill outside, and this fast, I’m rather sick of it. I’m writing this on my cell because I haven’t worked up the courage to get out from under the covers yet…

BP still good and I don’t really feel hungry anymore.

[maywind]

As I sit here contemplating my current weight, what I think I was when I started, how much I’ve lost so far, and how I feel - full, completely full - I have begun to wonder if I’ve put so much stress on myself, physically and, more importantly, mentally, that I’ve cause a cortisol spike. I hope that isn’t the case and I’ll see a change within the next few days. But just in case I don’t, I’ve purchased ashwagandha, which apparently helps with stress.

[maywind]

I decided to break my fast last night at 8:45pm. My mouth constantly felt dry, I couldn’t tolerate any amount of cold weather, and I had sores in my mouth that were being made worse by my mouthguard at night. I could have kept going but my husband expressed to me that he was a bit worried so we looked at the calendar to see how many days were left between last night and my end date. We figured out that if I fast for 9 days, then eat for 2, and keep that cycle up, I’ll still be able to reach a healthy weight before our trip in July. Actually, at that rate, I should be at a healthy weight a few weeks before.

I had originally planned to break by having bone broth first but the decision was made so suddenly that I went straight to eating keto chili. I left out the celery and added zucchini and carrots, with a splash of Worcestershire sauce plus some garlic powder (was too lazy to mince garlic) and onion powder. It was so good! I only ate one bowl, which couldn’t have been more than 700 calories. I felt full and so far I haven’t suffered from any negative side effects.

I’ll eat more of my chili again tonight, then I’ll start another 9 day fast. I still plan to add ashwagandha to my routine to see if it helps in any way. It should be arriving today.

I’m content with this decision because running 9 day fasts is nothing to sneeze at and if I feel like adding a few days here and there, there’s nothing saying I can’t as long as I’m healthy. Plus, I feel like this recipe worked out really well for me so now I know what to break with.

[maywind]

Day 1 of my second 9 day fast! I’m really excited to see how this goes. Unfortunately, I forgot to weigh myself before running to the coffee pot this morning so I’ll check tomorrow.

I was relocated at work which I’m also rather excited about. I’d been sitting by myself for so long that I think it started to eat away at my focus. As soon as I changed spots I started to feel better. Maybe I’ll have a burst of energy today.

Now, the weather forecast…that has me less excited. Pleeeaaase can we make it into the 60s soon?!

[maywind]

It feels like the first 24 hours just flew by. Plus, I slept really well last night, I actually got 8 hours of sleep.

I only “regained” a pound, if even that, so I’m looking forward to the progress I’ll make this loop around.