. Sounds like a great idea. Yeah this would of surprised me too with the whole Covid thing (honestly I’m loving too that the invites are way down for everyone … ahhh) so the fact that you didn’t get 90 days to “try” to feel better is definitely stressful but meditating sounds like a great plan !! And you will breeze through this 9 days most likely because you have this pending thing at the end… for some that helps !! I’m rooting for you!! 
Kyle's Journal
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Good morning Kyle ! How ya doin today?
Hi Friends!
So, I lost my mind for a couple days… including today and went on a Food-Bender. I don’t remember going for SUCH A LONG STINT of eating garbage food because I was triggered. But, I’m definitely triggered by my best friends upcoming birthday next week. I was going to get back on track after last night but that little voice in my head said “Whats the point, you blew it… you’ll never accomplish this”… and that was that. I saw a donut shop in the morning and the rest of the day went along those lines…
I realized I NEED to get on here and check in and journal for accountability. I have to hold myself accountable.
The struggle is REAL.
I’m going to start with 24hrs… just get through the next 24hrs. I would still like to fast all the way to my friend’s bday party next Saturday but I need to take set a reasonable goal, so 24hrs.
I’ll check it tomorrow. This is a journey and today feels like I’m in the desert.
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Kyle! I am sending you the biggest hug in the universe right now! I could of written your exact post pretty much every day the last few years… I’m sure many of us on this forum could relate. I know I am one tiny binge from risking a long term gutter bender but that’s whats so amazing about reading others stories and journaling here. Someone said the difference we find here is we are somehow able to get back up and string a few days together of rational thought and if it happens again get back up! Don’t give up ever sweet pea and I won’t either. 
Your friends party will come and go (this too shall pass) and it will be a new day! You got this !! I’m rooting for you big time ! 
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Thank you Stacia and HUGS to you too. 
Gosh, I wish these was easier.
Hows your 6-Day going?
very impressive!!
Yep. Fail and fail fast. Now you know. Let it go and next time you’ll put up a harder fight. It does get easier, but takes time. You’re reprogramming your brain. Don’t let the old program run you.
When the urges hit come here, or put some YouTube dr Fung on.
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When I was reading your sentence, part of it stuck out like a rhyme…
Now you know, Let it go.
I like that!! I’m already glad I came back to journal. Thanks for your feedback, Miramar. I’m a work in progress. Your protocols are inspiring. I like reading your journals. Good work.
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I’m inspired by everyone on here in one way or another. 
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I know … you are very right, the struggle is definitely real when the food monsters are screaming at us! I’ve been gone all day, went to a camp ground to visit some friends just for evening and it was damn hard not to eat all the food they had but I told them my stomach wasn’t feeling well which is true, I felt queezy from not eating 
. Oh man, I wish I was 120 pounds right now and could afford all that I want to eat. It’s midnight… I’ll check in tomorrow… I hope your evening better!! 
Oh Kyle I’m so sorry! Not about you binge eating but the toxic shame that you’re experiencing. It sounds like you need some deeper healing that is not not necessarily all food related.
I would highly recommend Savor: Mindful Eating, Mindful Life
by Thich Nhat Hanh (Author), Lilian Cheung (Contributor)
In your situation imagine this passage as yourself:
We often think of peace as the absence of war;
that if the powerful countries would
reduce their arsenals, we could have peace.
But if we look deeply into the weapons,
we see our own minds, our prejudices, fears, and ignorance.
Even if we transported all the bombs to the moon,
the roots of war and the reasons for bombs would still be here,
in our hearts and minds, and sooner or later we would make new bombs.
Seek to become more aware of what causes anger and separation,
and what overcomes them.
Root out the violence in your life,
and learn to live compassionately and mindfully.
–[Thich Nhat Hanh]
The “war” is your inner struggle and suffering. The “bombs” are your reactions/escape mechanisms. I hope I’m not over stepping here. These are just things I had to deal with on my journey. I had to cope with my private war before I could defuse the bombs and turn them into peaceful action
<3
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You’re an absolutely remarkable person, Kyle! I can’t imagine your pain at your mother’s death.
I think food has become such convenient outlet for everyone for coping in the 80 years because it’s bulk availability after the military industrial complex got a hold of our food system. Our food addiction is not our fault. Food is literally designed by scientists to be addictive. Over consumption and the SAD is unfortunately the new modus operandi for the 21st century
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Great post Kristy, I could relate to this deeply.
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Good morning Kyle, thinking of you this morning… I keep thinking of how much I could relate to your feelings of shame and blinding anxiety about social activities when feeling “heavy and unattractive”. Why is it some people can weigh even more than we do (and I weigh way more than you!) but bounce around, social and happy (at least appear that way). There’s times (mostly everyday) I’ll drive to another neighborhood to go to the store or run errands so that I don’t see anyone I know. I’ve missed weddings, birthday parties, funerals, etc. 
over the shame of how much weight I’ve put on in the past few years from daily binge eating. I am only just now realizing that I need to work on so much more than just the weight gain (which is just a symptom). I am right there with you and one day at a time we can figure this out !! Hugs to you and praying for a nice day of peace, acceptance and compassion for ourselves. Keep us posted !!
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Kyle, I’m so sorry you’re going through such an emotionally difficult time. I spent quite a few years working on my emotional relationship with food and my self image. I do feel like I healed and overcame most of that several years ago. Being overweight is still a constant struggle, but the feelings of shame and worthlessness and being out of control were healed. I spent a lot of time journaling what I was thinking and feeling, just trying to identify the bad thought patterns and being aware of what caused me to binge, trying to substitute other behaviors. I wonder if journaling would help you, too. And I did learn it’s very important to journal on paper with a pen or pencil. Doing it on the computer somehow doesn’t have the same emotional connection.
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Amen, sista!! Once we work out what’s really going on, the symptom will be much easier to deal with.
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Thanks everyone!
I imagine a lot of you face similar struggles with food. I never thought of myself as having an eating disorder but I definitely have an unhealthy relationship with food… so maybe I do? Still not sure. The first couple of years my son started using drugs, I REALLY struggled. I went to a therapist for two years and we would discuss that I would dive into a pint of ice cream when I was feeling overwhelmed yet, we never addressed the issues I had abusing food or how to work on that.
I think journaling would be very helpful for me. I know when I start writing on here, things come out that I didn’t think about before I began writing… so, a personal journal would be good.
I ended my fast today at 21 hours, did a one hour MEAL (not nonstop feast) and restarted. Aiming for 24 (again).
Theres so much to unpack with eating issues tied up with stress and emotions. So much to think about.
Still a journey of self discovery.
Thanks everyone for listening and checking in!
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Hi Kyle, I used to say to myself I have an eating disorder too but you know what I sorta came to the last year or so is that “I use food to cope because it works, temporarily to get through the tough emotions of that day” but it could of easily been shopping, drugs, alcohol, etc. I’m really realizing that food is just the vehicle to get out of the anxiety/hurt/etc. that we feel. I’m trying to put food where it belongs and deal with myself. Do you know what I mean? I got so into reading book after book on binge eating disorder, food addiction, eating disorders and spent years learning nothing, just more confusion on how to deal with this non stop, relentless “problem”… I want to go straight to sitting in my emotions and stop blaming the food. I am soooo new at this !! I’m craving food so much right now over boredom and my weight gain this week from PMS, so as we speak I want to dive into food to get rid of this uncomfortable feeling. I’m sure people on here have way more insight than me but I’ve been thinking of all the same things you are mentioning.
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I really appreciate our discussions, they help me so much! Seriously.
I just got more info from my best friend’s husband on her upcoming birthday. MORE BAD NEWS. Twenty people are attending total. Every single attendee is a COUPLE… except me and my best friend’s 18yr old daughter. So… all couples… INCLUDING MY EX.
I seriously think I might be coming down with the FLU! 
After her husband told me all this, I texted him later and asked if I could bring one of my girlfriends as my plus one. He hasn’t responded and I don’t think he’s crazy about this particular girlfriend I mentioned… so, we’ll see. I could really use the moral support of a friend w/me.
ughhhh.
Ok … this is awful and if I could send this to you on the side and not have anyone read it (because this is horrible advise!!)… I would of decided the minute I had that information that no way in hell would I go. I’d take my best friend out a few days later for dinner or something. But please don’t listen to me, I’m the worst at cancelling social events due to feeling insecure and my behavior is everything you should NOT do. My advise (which looking back I wish I would of gave myself)… stand tall with confidence, walk in the room as if you are feeling great, smile and fake it til you got a few glasses of wine in ya and then you will probably actually feel great about all of it!! 
. You will be so happy and proud of yourself for going. Unlike me that still feels like crap for bailing out…
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I LOVE that ADVICE!!
I didn’t want to cancel because she’s my best friend…now I CAN’T cancel because I am the one setting up all the decorations while she’s away from her house. I’m STUCK. I’m really hoping her husband “ok’s” my request to invite my girlfriend along… REALLY hoping…
BUT, if I am alone… I will drink a vodka soda before the guests arrive and fake it till I make it.
Oh… there was a bit of good news… He wants to do the party in their backyard, pool area so he decided against the 1920’s theme as it would be too hot. So, now I have a few more clothing options.
I’ll voice all my insecurities to y’all. Wish I could take all of you with me. I bet you would be so much fun to go to a party with!!
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