2.5 mmol today. Lost like 4 lbs this week? Not much water weight either. That’s way too much weight too quickly for me. Doing a “Fat fast” today since my tummy was a bit upset after eating yesterday. I dunno if fat fasts are a legit thing but essentially since I’m not sleeping and working out a lot for the next 36 hour (hopefully I can catch a few winks tonight) I’ll have some coconut oil. Then a big helping of coconut oil with meds for proper absorption
I love exercise.
Since I’ve been awake while the pups were asleep I’ve been able to get in some solid Tonglen sitting practice. Data is old enough and sleepy enough that I even light candles on my shrine!
Regardless of everything I am quite content. Though, extremely cold. What’s up with that?
WOW… look at you! I know thats a lot of weight quickly but you are the envy of the forum!!
The weather has been record freezing (even down south where I am) across the Globe. China and Europe are getting snowfalls they have-not seen in many many decades.
Guess we were way overdue for a brutal winter… hope not… but maybe.
On hour 42 of this “fast” . 3.3 mmol today. having bloomed chia seeds in my tea to keep my blood sugars up. Almost passed out the other day. Oops. @Kyle I am simultaneously ecstatic and wary of the weight loss/break in the plateau. First, I am now on a medication that absolutely kills your appetite. and because of the migraines when I do eat I get… sick… and usually cannot keep the food in me. Although my appetite isn’t 6 ft under yet it isn’t struggling to hold on either. However, I am also working out SOOOO MUCH! That is great for my mood and I feel so strong!
I’m not really sleeping much. Have very odd hours and am locked in the unlit basement if it gets too bright out. I really hope people try my lemon ginger concoction. SOOO YUMMY. Hopefully the eye dr can get my my special glasses and the neurologist can figure out what’s going on. On the BRIGHT (hahahahha) side I can’t look at any type of screen for more than a handful of minutes so no screen time! woot!
Otherwise. I am peachy keen. Resting, playing with pups, and probably drinking 8 liters of fluids a day.
Wish me luck at the eye dr today. I’m worried that with my particular eye wonkieness they won’t be able to give me the specialty rose filters. ’
I need to learn a bit more about refeeding. Yesterday I broke my 44ish hour fast with a wonderful egg salad smothered in EVOO. (13 eggs, pureed celery jalapenos and Brussels sprouts, mayo, evoo, flax meal) with some toasted keto bread. My issue was that I ate too much. My portion wasn’t that big honestly. Just dense. I knew I was eating too much but I also was hoping that eating a lot would help me sleep (it didnt). And that I would be doing another 36 right after.
Was stuck in the basement again yesterday. BOO was very sunny and my eyes felt like a million needles were trying to reach my brain. That’s ok. Pain is a gift. I’ve decided to make a list of all the reasons I enjoy being chronically ill:
I know everything I do is a choice
Even though I can no longer work I have a lot of free time to explore other parts of myself
I was able to rededicated myself fully to my religion
I have a lot more time to spend with my hubby
I am learning new hobbies
I am discovering who my true friends are
I have even more time to read
The pain gives me more opportunities to cultivate and experience joy
I am an example to my family of how to handle things with grace
I am an example to my nieces of how to experience strong emotions and reach out for help
I now have the time for another fur baby
I have more time to spend in nature and tend my garden
When I can sleep I get to nap
I do not have to wear work clothes
I do not have to be silent at my business when someone says something that is not my business
I do not have to go anywhere I don’t want to
I’ve been cultivating a practice of transforming lonilness into an enjoyment of solitude.
I don’t feel as paranoid about gossip about my invisible illness
I don’t get funny looks when I burst out in hysterical laughter at forgoten memories or epiphanies.
I don’t remember yesterday morning. I don’t think I exercised because I was in so much pain. Eye Dr. dilated my pupils and then put the insanely bright light in them… and I kinda passed out! Better than puking in my mask I guess? Will be getting the special lenses and I hope they help. Either way they’ll look hella cool. I don’t really do fashion. I own the same pants and shirts in just different colors. I have tattoos, some piercings, and crazy glasses but those are for me. They help me cultivate my joy.
Everything in a person’s life can change in an instant. I won’t get too detailed because this is not the place for it. It could have been much worse- it could get worse, I am not a prophet. Normally, I would exercise the stress/pent up energy out and transform the mindless worry into joyful action. But today I’m just a bit numb. listless, unfocused, and exhaused. That’s ok. If the body needs to kinda just turn off for a bit I’m going to trust the process.
Was in so much pain yesterday after the eye dr visit I had to take some Vicodin so I ate a couple of spoonfuls of egg salad on keto toast with EVOO. I’ll continue to have some cream and coconut oil for the foreseeable future with my meds but eating just doesn’t feel like the thing right now.
#TW DEATH
I have kinda a different perspective on death than most people. Due to new circumstances I had to think about the physical death of people I love. I have spent much time in the past contemplating mortality, especially my own given my illness. All of the feelings are the same (kinda?). Anyway. For a moment I got caught up in a situation where my families lives would have to change to nurture other family members. Once I noticed I was conceptualizing that I dropped it and let it go. I thought this might trigger a longing for my families favorite chicago deep dish. but nope. i just want tea. and maybe a long bath later
Woke up at 2 am. Nothing new. tons of energy. Not even going to try and go back to bed. Passed through the portal of grief and numbness into a place where I can transform my suffering into joyful radiance for the whole cosmos. Woke up with either a stress rash or keto rash? I’ve been in ketosis for like ever so I’m assuming it’s a mixture of both and maybe the new combo of all the new meds. Took an allergy med and put some cream on it and it went away after a bit so who knows?
“We need suffering in order to see the path. The origin of suffering, the cessation of suffering, and the path leading to the cessation of suffering are all found in the heart of suffering. If we are afraid to touch our suffering, we will not be able to realize the path of peace, joy, and liberation. Don’t run away. Touch your suffering and embrace it. Make peace with it.”
Thich Nhat Hanh
When I get up early my older dog, doodlebug, thinks he gets breakfast right away. I don’t think so you sly fool. Exercise time.
Will write more later. I want to ask about anyone’s perspective on their role as being a caregiver.
2.9 mmol today. sore as omg from my work out. I missed two days in a row so I redoubled my efforts.
crashed a couple of hours ago and need to just rest. that was ok. Have some good pups at the moment. Ate a tiny bit yesterday. Didn’t stress eat with the horrible news but I got to around hour 20 of my fast and after all the working out of the previous weeks and the bad news I realized I NEEDED FOOD! I didn’t eat much, couldn’t really.
I’m not sure I’m going to manage fasting serious training again with fasting? I’m back on hour 20 plus hour of my fast and I know I’ll make it to hour 36 no problem but I need to make sure I’m taking care of myself. I know the body is a super powerful thing that can take care of myself I just need to learn to listen deeply enough.- To be honest it’s my meds that are my biggest concern
Oh hugs I wish you lived round the corner id totally plague you to meet and walk Doodlebug; happily listen to where ever you mind is on the day.
-the substantial cause of mind is the previous moment of mind-
I’m stoked your glasses came through and reallllly want a photo of your BoMB new look. How have you got on with them are they helping with the lights and migraines. (How good is your health care to have them straight away too!)
If you want to drop me a message about being a caregiver… I nursed my Grandmother out of phenomonia and infections (I can’t spell ) throughout 2018 with zero notice my life was about to alter completly. Prior to my injury care was what I did, it was what I was passionate about, it was going to be the base I built a carer on to change the system from the inside out.
Self care, acknowledging our limitations and exceeding our expectations with grace and patience is the way forward. I hope you wake up feeling rested and don’t have to push too hard today.
My husband is the caregiver to me. Not the other way around. This started when I was very young, As a child. He kinda knew what he signed up for. We’ve worked through most of my guilt. And I’m not that limited. Yet. Right now it’s mild memory loss, chronic pain, chronic fatigue, and epic migraines. Because of my illness I sustained minor brain damage. My illness is something like my neurotransmitters have a very hard time regulating them themselves and staying in balance, thus so do my hormones and so on and so forth. So about every 3 to 4 years I get this kinda like full body cascade failure. It’s not just one thing It’s just not 1 illness. The long hospital stays and constant testing can get frustrating when there are never any conclusive answers. The only underlying commonality is that I can’t sleep. I can never sleep. At first they thought It was just mental illness. But it’s obviously more than that but it seems to perplex everyone and it is very difficult being shuffled around from specialist to specialist as the woman conundrum wrapped in an enigma with no patters except: she can’t sleep. It’s ok that I’m sick. It’s been one of the greatest gifts of my life.
Now on to less serious topics scale victory and non scale victory! I am no longer considered obese just overweight! and I am down another 2.5 lbs to 173.5. I’m on hour 36 of my fast. I don’t feel I need to break it but I’m going to. I have a four plus hour car journey on snowy icy roads to see my neurologist today and only a couple hours of sleep and just want to be safe. Just in case. I haven’t taken my measurements in a very long time so I need to do that soon too. Haven’t checked my ketones or blood sugar yet today.
@Cate_Alexandra Unfortunately I did not get my glasses right away. I have to wait two weeks. I have double vision so they have to put a special prism in them. Boy would it be nice to have that awesome of health insurance though!
So. The longest dirty fast I’ve done is 80 some hours. The Buddha’s Enlightenment Anniversary is coming up on January 20th. He sat for 40 Days fasting under the Bodhi Tree meditating. He realized depriving his body was not the way. Near starvation he asked a passing milk maid for food and for several days. She brought him small amount of (rice porridge/milk/ story is vague here) and then he realized how to take care of his body and attained enlightenment on the 40th day. Almost all Buddhist monks/nuns follow Buddhist teachings and only eat between dawn and noon or only one meal a day unless they are ill. However. During this time many do extended fasts in observance of siddhartha gautama’s time under the Bodhi Tree in Deer Park. I cannot fast for for 40 days. But I’m thinking maybe I can fast until the 20th. For 4 days. I doubt I can make it the full 94 hours and that really isn’t a big deal. However, I’d hate to sacrifice my growing exercise routine. I know exercising as much as I do really does require some food. It would obviously be a dirty fast.
Can the community come together and help me come up with a plan? This is very important to me. Movement as meditation is just as valid as a fast as solidarity. And both are habits worth cultivation. Maybe I should Do OMAD or continue to do ADF? Thanks my loves!
The meds for sleep have to be taken with food to be absorbed or it’s not like taking them at all. Plus if you don’t take them with food you’ll get the worst tummy ache
And then you end up throwing up all your other meds and it’s a big waste of money
I’ve been thinking about this today.
We’re supposed to learn Buddha’s lessons. And he listened to his body. Buddhism is about consistency (and lots of other things).
Could you spend the next four days finding something that works… You’ve been trialling a few different approaches, slightly over doing it, pacing well and slowly chipping away and making progress.
So I’d spend the next four days finding what works and then doing that from the 20th onwards. The same as Buddha learnt his lessons and to listen to his body and continued to apply them after his enlightenment…
I exercised hard yesterday. With almost no sleep. 4.3mml yesterday. Felt extremely weak and broke my fast with OMAD after 26 hours with the largest meal I’ve eaten in ages. Still super tiny. But big for me. I think I needed it because i finally started my period after being almost a week late. Ver ver very excited to be going to the pool today! Got some swim weights. So we’ll see how hard I can swim, how long I can keep them on before muscle fatigue sets in and the like. Need to work out some emotions. Got 2lb bands for each arm and leg. Bam it’s gonn be intense. I’ve been working out with them on and wearing the keg ones all day. To think this is what I felt like 8lbs ago!?!
#TW Covid
I found out a couple of days ago my SIL had Covid. The rest of my family in Chicago had been exposed and tested. But we didnt know the results yet. I had an overpowering urge to listen to my trigger book. You know that thing you have that always makes you cry. An hour later I got the news the my Mum has Covid. Was able to play it cool on the phone. But threw up as soon as I got off the phone. She doesn’t have any symptoms, praise the gods, except she’s tired. She is quarantined in my parents finished basement while my dad watches my nieces upstairs. They will be retested later next week.
My mother has smoked a pack of cigarettes a day since she was like 13 or 14. She’s in her mid 70s now. To be honest I’m more worried about what will happen when she has to stop smoking. She’ll be on the patch. I will not invent scenarios to contrive fantasies to ruminate on.
Once I reached out to everyone I knew who is close to her asking them to reach out and alleviate her boredom I sent her the most “Kristy Zen Buddhist” bouquets of flowers I could find to brighten up her space. My mum swears Buddhism saved my life when I first got really sick. After months of dedicated practice she redecorated my room in this Asian style. It was hilarious. She even decorates my Christmas tree ever year with light up lanterns and origami ornaments. This is just her way of showing me she loves me. For the longest time in the early 2000s Buddhist statues were very in vogue and fashionable. She bought me every single one. By the time I moved to college I had dozens of statues. In the end I gave all of them away except the first one she bought me: from target.
Spent most of yesterday in loving kindness tonglen practice and napping. Actually slept a couple extra hours last night!
I wish you lived round the corner id totally plague you to meet and walk Doodlebug; happily listen to where ever you mind is on the day.
) throughout 2018 with zero notice my life was about to alter completly. Prior to my injury care was what I did, it was what I was passionate about, it was going to be the base I built a carer on to change the system from the inside out.