TURNING OFF PHONE. jumping into a shower.
Fasting for freedom
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19 /7 pm
Well… i semi-failed. I went for a bike ride and decided to grab a coffee to go. needed to do something to break the pizza obsession.
only… shouldnt have chosen a latte. Oopsie. compared to 2,000 kcals of pizza its lots better but yeah, it happened.
did some more cycling to clear my mind, get some anxiousness out etc and now I am home and chilling. stupid pizza is still annoying me. I should just go to bed but I think the intake might have woken some hunger.
Picked up my new notebook with horses from parents. Maybe I should journal instead of ordering food. hmm…
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21:00 / 9 pm
Tummy is hating me right now 
swollen like a balloon and aouchies. Wasn’t too good with dairy milk after 5 days of water…that was technically a mini refeed if you like. It hit me now that all day I’ve had to adjust my pants because they seem so loosened. I did complain about no weightloss? Hm.
And goddamnit I bought chocolate crackers just now. 300 grams (1/2 pound ish) Havent touched them. But they exist.
However I realized now that I am home again that my desk is actually cleared (due to packing up stuff for moving) and I can USE it! 
Sooooo… maybe I should do the journaling idea. I’m a bit hesitant though due to my beliefs in law of attraction etc. If I write about bad stuff / thoughts etc I will create more. BUT. They are already there apparently. Might be good to get them out? I don’t know.
Looking at the length and content of this WF journal I have a good amount of thoughts inside… that’s for sure.
I’ve lit some candles here and it’s all very cozy at the moment. And those crackers would hurt me lots. Ugh. It’s not physical hunger, I’m aware.
How do “normal” people live their life? Who don’t have issues? I thought of that while out…
Ending for now and we’ll see. Not too tempted by the goodies at the moment. And dodged the pizza. Good.
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When you learn to drive, which is a favorite activity of mine, it’s uncommon I believe to just put the key in and do it perfectly at once. You have to learn the controls and you get hickups and it’s not so smooth at first. But, you want that license right? So, you just try again. And after a while, suddenly, it clicks and you can coast.
I ate half the crackers. While journaling. While crying and aching and oh everything. Doggie was just laying on the floor and dreambarking… lol what a supporter! Well I think I needed it out.
And now I also got done the main task I was stressing about.
But the fast is broken ofcourse.
My hand is aching a bit from all writing hah but typing is a different movement. Not used to write oldschool…
So, I poured thoughts and emotions and at the end, when I felt lighter and was more constructive and “for the future”. I thought about. Well, what should I do with the WF? Because it’s broken now…
Maybe I should aim for shorter goals. To make it easier on myself IN CASE I crash and burn again. Because I’ve come to the conclusion, no shit, that it’s not the physical withdrawal that is hard for me. It’s the emotional / distraction blanket that food and particularly sweets and junk gives me. I can only do some many days apparently before it becomes too much and then I burst and it crashes. Which is not what I want…and then I get mad at myself… and it starts over a while later. So many restarts!
Well maybe I should LET myself have shorter fasts? Aiming for 3-5 days? IF AND ONLY IF I feel stable and good and so on on day 5 - for all what it is worth - Go on! 
But. Don’t set up that huge 20 day plus goal… that I’m not capable of yet because this is drawing out so much stuff from within… A very therapeutic thing for sure!! But I need time and practice to cope. I love the physical fasted state feeling! I actually have more energy - weird perhaps? But I do.
I’m a little sad because ofc I want to do long fasts and get closer to goal weight, the quicker the better, preferable yesterday. But… yeah. Need to be a little compassionate towards myself. And set myself up for successes.
So that’s the status. I feel calm now though. And tired. I think… heart is racing because of the sugar, need to let that chill out.
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Morning Spull,
I admire your awareness of yourself as you worked through shorter vs longer fasts. Longer fasts aren’t for everyone and it is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of if you’re a “shorter fast” person.
And yeah, I totally get wanting to get closer to goal weight as quickly as possible but as you’ve probably noticed, this is a learning journey. It will take exactly as long as it takes, so long as we don’t throw in the towel at the first hurdle. For what it’s worth, I was doing rolling 6 days fasts with 1 day refeed a few months ago and consistently losing 4 lbs a week. Not too shabby and if I’d kept it up, I’d be at goal by now…
You’re doing great!
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I burned out on the longer fasts and was mixing down to shorter.
I just hopped on a 21 to get a good chunk of my committed days out of the way and see if I could actually accomplish what my first fast was supposed to be.
I am amazed at those who do 30 and 40+ days. That I believe won’t be something I ever put on my calendar.
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@Myhnabird Thanks for your reply.
Yes yesterday was definitely a learning experience for sure.
Being a longer vs shorter fast person… Well, I might have to more soulsearching here. Because as Ive stated I adore the fasted state. I guess its the ketosis? The clarity and sort of openness I feel inside. Its just all the emotions and thoughts then get released from their stables lol and hits me. 
What did you eat on your refeed days that cycle you did? I guess not chocolate crackers and lattes… 
Maybe I am an intermittent faster, 16/8 etc. but nah, something is pulling me to do these extended fasts right now. Lots to think about!
Thanks for the encouragement 
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Day “Unnamed” 14 / 2 pm Edit Day 1
Slept like after a bulldozer hit me, good thing I knew pup was getting walkies this morning by my father and also some moving boxes picked up. Slept right through that commotion…
I know I wrote that I would like to do shorter 3-5 days etc. Soo… do I start today again? I dont feel like eating. No hunger either physical or other so.
Why not.
So day 1 then again.
Today 80.1 on the scales so 1 down. Close to sub 80!!! 
@Kristy funny you just liked, I was going to mention that I downloaded the Bell-app thing for mindfulness throughout the day
also contemplating getting that pizza over and done with so I can see its not the solution, but hmm
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“Progress not perfection”- 
deep and so perfect in it’s imperfection, hahaha 
We can and WE WILL… GO GRL 
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How do you like the app? If I REALLY wanted pizza what I would do is call the pizza place up, order a pizza, and have them deliver it to someone I care about or who I know needs a pick me up. That way I do get the pizza by feeding my heart hunger
@Kristy Can’t tell yet! I’ve set it to once every hour. And I might have missed one while out with fluffers.
About the stupid pizza, well I actually didn’t have cash anyways so it would have been bad for my credit card in the future with the pay later option. But I logged into my account now and I had $30 because of a returned inactive charge apparently! 
So I’m tempted now again but sitting down at the moment and attempting to do the journaling work again cause I can feel it building. I even know what the distress is about…
Having coffee, the non-milky one (tummy says thanks).
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16:30 / 4:30 pm
This journaling thing is great. It lets me have a convo with myself and it’s creeeeeepy but also calming.
Two things I’ve gotten from this short session. 1. That what I’d like to spend some cash that I didn’t knew I had so to speak with the returned charge… a purchase of a subscription for one month longer of a readings/tarot card app that I love. It is “mpick e up” for heart hunger more than a pizza… and 2. also got the strongest impulse now to also purchase a nicely flowing pen. I’ve looked around and switched but none feel good. Could be the resistance inside… and also that I’m writing with permanent and not a pencil (ie, non editable, non erasable, once I put the words it’s definite.). Buuut I want to and I have to “burn” 1,5 hours before event in mobile game starts.
So I’m off for a little ride to town.
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Um, not exactly… 
I’m keto (mostly) and am terribly fond of chicken jalapeno popper casserole someone posted on the keto dudes site once. It was amazing how, eating only once a week, I never got tired of it 
Keep goin’, girl!
Mary
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I sure relate to you Spull, I’m nodding and following your train of thought all the way. The “get the pizza over with”, the long vs. short fasts, the wondering how others live without doing this crazy eating behavior, the power of attraction comment, etc. … just letting you know, you’re not alone !! I could of written most of that too 
… we can work through this and put this behind us !! 
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It sounds like you are starting the process of looking deeply and discovering the roots of your thoughts, feelings, and reactions. During this process it really helps to have a support system. When I was younger, at the Buddhist uni I went to, the school symbol was a dharma wheel engulfed in flames. This process will burn you alive and it may possibly be one of the most painful things you will ever encounter. But that is how you start to love yourself, unconditionally, and without judgement (pizza or no pizza).
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@Kristy I got mad at you for that statement No, not at you ofcourse. Don’t take it that way. I am so grateful for your input. Incredibly so! Thanks for your time and cleverness.
I got triggered. Because I have thought I’d done all the soulsearching needed these last years, especially since 2012. Buuuut… apparently no. Anyways it will be good in the long run.
@Myhnabird Sooo you did, let’s see “OME5D” One Meal every 5 Days? lol.
And tummy was ok with that setup?
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Evidently, I have a cast iron tummy . And it must be true, considering all the crap I’ve dumped in it for decades…
Hahahah I TOTALLY understand the anger! I’m having something similar. My husband is swamped at work (he’s director of a university library) and due to 2020 he has to stay later than he normally would. Lately I’ve been irrationally angry with this. I never ever get angry with my husband. So I started to wonder what the hell was going on that I was not tending? First I thought it was PMS, lack of sleep, and poor communication. Held that for awhile but it wasn’t “it”
His working late, and I’m soooo proud of him, was dredging up emotions about my workaholic father. I have forgiven my father over and over. And I have learned to love him as I love myself. But tending the mindfulness landscape is something that has to be done each moment. Although the past is in the present moment I will have to continue to love, forgive, and help my father develop even after his body is long gone.
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Official Day 1 again
Last day was just a trial run I am labeling it as! Also thought some more about doing the shorter ones and my mind and ego is leaning more into the idea!
… because I ate a little yesterday evening - that meant it was “omad” because > 24 hours since the last time.
Having a little coffee, slept looong today, and a BIG gulp of h2o!
My goal for now is to get through the weekend fasted.
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