Anna’s Journal 🖤 Post 30 day water fast & refeed

[Anna]

`February 13th 2020`

I’m sorry i haven’t been updating or interacting these last two weeks! Not sure if I’ll be updating much in the coming weeks either. Even if I love this forum, it’s people and sharing experiences and knowledge, it consumes a lot my of time when I’m on here, not wanting to miss out on anything. I’ve been quitting all of my social media and screen-time (except when it’s work or school related) to get more focus on other parts of my life.

`Week 1 and 2` 

To make a little update on these last two weeks when I started my challenge, I’ve had my ups and downs mentally, but sticking with my fasting goals and being very cautious about the small details in my life (such as being more present without screens, being around other people and schedule fun events) has resulted in no self harm for two weeks straight. That’s a big step for me, coming from a place where it was a constant and daily struggle.

I’ve tried to minimise the options for myself, meaning that inner dialogue where you consider options to diverge from the goal or the challenge. Instead of constantly reflecting on the costs/benefits of it, the final outcome and so on, I’ve just had the goal each day to stick to these 4 weeks of determination. This is what I’m gonna do right now, and if I want to go back to the misery or dopamine releases afterwards I can.

Since I’ve planned my environment carefully in details, each day is just the simple choice of being abstinent from my behaviour for one more day. The fasting part has given me more confidence of my ability to abstain, feeling more disciplined, but my mental struggles usually increases on the days where I eat. Therefore it’s very important to have my eating days together with other people, getting support and distractions.

I’m feeling hopeful. With enough time of not implementing the behaviour, the thoughts about it and the memories of it will fade.
Since spring is so early and all the snow has melted away, I’ve mostly been doing my workouts outside. Came across a tire after our run today, so I had to impress my boyfriend, showing that fasting hasn’t made me so weak after all haha

[Compdude]

Welcome back!

You did warn us you’d be away for awhile; but, I miss my Swedish buddy helping and advising the newbies. Congratulations on the strides you’ve made in your behavior. As you’ve noted its a long road ahead to make the change permanent.

Wondering if the 2 year mark is as valid in your case, as it is in eating lifestyle marking it as permanent? Something that might be worth looking into if you decide on this course of research if you decided to continue for your PhD, Herr Doktor! LOL

[Anna]

Thank you Alipio!
Haha Herr doktor will have to put the hypothesis to the test!

[Anna]

Long time no see little journal. I thought I’d come on here to give an update on my life

I just read through my old posts from where I began, and I remember so clearly how bad I was doing mentally at the time, being so ashamed of myself. I’m so grateful about how far I’ve come since then.
It’s almost unreal how much I’ve grown and how much happier I am nowadays.
I do have bad moments of course, like all of us, but if I would compare my depressive days back then and how my worse days are now, I wouldn’t have believed it a year ago. It’s not only due to fasting of course, it’s due to many small factors that collectively have made my health and happiness rise. But I do know that my 30 day fast was the beginning, when I first started to be proud about myself and my accomplishment.

In terms of the self harm urges I’ve been battling with for long, I’ve come a looong way, and it was a tough road that took a lot of energy and sitting with intense urges. But it made me realise that I couldn’t keep it all to myself anymore. What has helped me the most is having my boyfriend and one of my best friends know about my struggles. I’m forever grateful for them, for taking it seriously and for viewing it as a struggle we have to overcome together, through support and honesty.

My binge eating struggles have come a long way too, although I do fall back every once in a while. But comparing my binges today from when I was at my worst, and how often I binged before compared to now, these fallbacks would have been minor in my opinion a year ago. What has helped me the most has been learning about addiction psychology, and learning to be okay with urges, to ride the wave. The issue is that I sometimes fail to recognise and separate myself from the strong urges, and feel like it’s me and not the urge who wants to binge.

I’ve done a few fasts every now and then through the last 6 months, between 1-5 days as a method of resetting my tastebuds when I’ve caved in to foods that are unnaturally rich and has a big dopamine response (which gives me addictive like cravings afterwards). They have also been a tool for trying to stop bingeing habits once I’ve struggled, and let’s me have a break from food and recalibrate my relationship to food and eating habits.

Right now I’m on day 2 of a 7 day fast, so I thought it would be nice to try and keep my journal updated through this one. My “mantra” that I keep reminding myself of is that
this is going to be the last fast for a while, and I just have to deal with the potential struggles. It’s not gonna be easy by any means, but it is going to be worth it. “One last fast”.

My goal is not weight loss, but to build a good relationship with eating and letting food be what it’s supposed to be: fuel, energy, some enjoyment and a time to reload myself or enjoy other’s company. But it’s not supposed to be what I’ve been treating it like, which has been: forced, restrictive at times, compulsive overeating, all or nothing mentality. I know I can’t do moderation with some addictive like foods that are triggering for me, but I also have to practice my way away from the black and white thinking. Fasting is a way of healing and resetting, a time to rest and reset the body for a new start and a clean page.

Hope you’re all doing great out there! It’s so much fun to see how much this forum has grown in just a year! Great job @Yasemin and everyone else on here who collectively helps each other improve!

[Anna]

day two

Day 2 is coming to an end and I’m feeling strong so far. The few cravings I’ve had has been minor, and mostly due to being in situations where I’d usually eat.
I’ve been trying Yasemins method of sticky notes for this fast and it’s surprisingly satisfying to see the notes disappear.
Looking forward to removing another one tomorrow!

[Anna]

Day 3

I’ve been feeling very energetic and happy ever since I woke up today.
I’m trying not to do anything too physical to spare my energy during my fasts, so I’ve mostly done smaller tasks at home and done some reading in the library for the upcoming semester. Like my earlier experiences with fasting and studying, I’m always amazed with the focus and productivity that comes. The same type of work takes me about half the time to complete while fasting.

The day isn’t over yet, so I might get a shift in energy later on, but so far, I’ve had a really good day. It’s so weird how different every fast feels and how quickly your mood and energy can change on a fast. The last couple of waterfasts I’ve done have been way more of a struggle than this one (so far ).

I hope everyone else is doing well on their journeys! Bye for now!

[Anna]

Day 4

Halfway through day four now. I didn’t get much sleep during the night, so I’m less energetic than yesterday. Otherwise I’m doing okay!

Today is the first day where I had more intense cravings and heard that little voice in my head that says “ a little won’t hurt” and “you could always restart”. But I’ve made my commitment to finish this fast, and that little voice is not going to be stronger than my own words.

I’ve come to realise that every time I practice doing something difficult through self discipline, I’m really just respecting and building trust with myself. Even though it sometimes feels like I have no control over my instincts, I’m always in control. And I should treat myself with the same respect and love that I would treat someone else with when I’ve given my word to them.

Instead of feeling overwhelmed and scared of failure while fasting, I’m trying to be curious about what could happen if I succeed instead. How proud will I be? how much healing will have happened inside of me? how would my relationship to eating improve? Just curiously daydreaming about how i would feel once these moments of struggles are behind me.
Let’s finish these remaining days, one moment at a time!

[Miramar]

@Anna

heard that little voice in my head that says “ a little won’t hurt”

Slap the crap out of it🤣. I have to visualize punching the feed me trolls. I have to knock them out and put them in the incinerator.

Their numbers have dwindled considerably.

[Anna]

i’ll try your method for the next coming one!

[Anna]

Day 5

The day so far has been pretty similar to yesterday. I only got two hours of sleep again, but I’m not as tired as yesterday, although my energy is pretty low!

I will take it easy today and just do some studying and have a cozy evening with my boyfriend later on when he gets home. Not many days left now!

[creamyreemy0]

You seem to have the gift of observation. It’s so true; what more could we ask for than simply building trust with ourselves? I’ve read through your entire journal, and I was really moved by some of your earlier insights, namely when you said “Discipline equals freedom”. This mantra makes sense in so many ways, and can be applied even outside of fasting. Thank you for sharing.

[Anna]

That means a lot, thank you for reading it and for your nice comment! There’s so many unexpected things to learn from fasting!
Hope you’re doing well!

[Kyle]

Great work getting to 5!

[Anna]

Thank you! You’ve done a great job yourself in your journey!

[Anna]

Day 6

I got more rest during the night so I’m feeling more energised than these last two days. Not struggling as much with the cravings at this point, when my goal is nearby. It’s easier for the mind to accept that there’s no choices at this point other than waiting and delaying the food. The thought of fasting isn’t very overwhelming for my mind when I’m closer to the end of a prolonged one or if it’s just for a day or two.

I’m feeling a bit lightheaded whenever I stand up or forget to move slowly. Some slight weakness in my muscles too, but those issues aren’t bothering me while I’m being at home resting for the most part.

Going to prepare a refeeding plan and shopping list soon!

[Anna]

Day 7

The last fasting day has been pretty good. Besides being a bit low in energy I’ve had an okay day resting at home and doing some preparations for the coming week.
It’s been quite a good fast, and I’m proud of my dedication to it. I’m also looking forward to a new start of building good sustainable routines for my health and well-being.

I bought some non-starchy vegetables with high water content for the refeed tomorrow, along with some frozen vegetables to make a soup!

Hope everyone is doing well and have had a nice weekend. Let’s make the coming week a good one!

[Kyle]

Day 7! WOOO HOOOO! Amazing work! You should be so proud of yourself. You’ll have to update us after your refeed!

[Anna]

Yayy! Thank you for your support Kyle!

[Anna]

Hi there journal!

I just started an “open ended- I’ll see how long I feel good” fast mostly a mind game to not overwhelm myself hehh…
I’m currently 38 hours in and I’m feeling great at this point. But from experience my days are usually like a rollercoaster of energy when fasting, I’ll probably be crying in a corner of exhaustion very soon

I’ve been listening a lot to Françoise Wilhelmi de Toledo recently (she’s more about her modified version of fasting with broths and such) but I find her talks about the inspirational/spiritual dimension of fasting very interesting. I’ve realised that I’ve never really used the fasts I’ve gone through with a perspective of actually taking a break from technology and stress too. I’ve usually tried to stay as busy as I can to not sense the uncomfortable feeling and be bored (which does work if you just want to get through with it). But I guess this fast just came out of curiosity to actually try to experience/ be more aware during my fast for my mental health.

Take care everyone!

[Anna]

I just realised that today is exactly one year since my 30 day fast first started. I’m grateful for all the things that have happened since then, and that I finally finished what I had planned for so long. I honestly never thought my body or mind was able to go through that!

Today has been alright, the sun has been out so I’ve gotten a bit more energy and inspiration from that. Yesterday evening was a bit tricky though, where my mind was playing games, but I just have to remember that it’ll pass like waves!