I’m a single mum of three. Until four years ago I don’t think I ever had issues with food. I generally weighed between 41-42kgs, which is normal for my petite and small frame. However, after my divorce it didn’t rain it poured. I was looking after 3 preschoolers all alone with a full-time job for the first time in a long while and tumbled into a new relationship, albeit reluctantly. I thought I was in control of the situation. I told myself I had no emotional baggage from my marriage as it had hit the rocks long before the breakup. Seemingly my life looked perfect. Nobody even sensed that I was struggling emotionally, in fact even I didn’t admit it to myself. Everybody admired me for managing everything all by myself. Little did I know. The new situation threatened to bring back previous traumas and issues. Thinking back I found myself craving chocolate and cookies. In general my lifestyle had been healthy and I took pride in it. But occasionally I started to secretly binge on food after having a healthy meal with my family or friends. Although the binging episodes grew more frequent I don’t know how I maintained my weight that first year. Then I was unemployed and ended my new relationship. My newly-found love for food and oblivion was given full rein by this new freedom. Very soon I gained about 10kgs which is a staggering amount for a petite woman. Like many people with similar experiences my spark for life was gone, I hid from people and social gatherings, felt guilty, yet I didn’t know that I had a problem until last summer when it hit me one day. I was using food to escape long buried emotional traumas, guilt, spiritual and familial void. In despair I joined a sister group of AA but that didn’t last long. Their philosophy just didn’t rub off on me. Since then, although I haven’t binged or got sick from overeating but I still sometimes make poor food choices and can easily slip into mindless eating if I’m not careful, I’m still struggling to shift the extra weight. I seem to have lost a sense of normalcy when it comes to food. I tried a few extended fasts but not having any refeeding plans (I realise now with hindsight) led to gaining the weight back. This time round through my 21-day fast, I want to focus on myself emotionally and spiritually by meditating and reading (I think mine is a spiritual malady), and working on a feasible food plan that I can stick with post-fast. That is my long term challenge.
Although in the past my goal was always purely weightloss, this time I’m doing it for spiritual reasons. I want to pause and take myself on a journey into my own mind and body. I want to forgive myself for my past decisions, learn how to love myself (thinking about it last night I’ve never loved myself or thought of myself as worthy of love), redirect myself to other things in life beside food, enjoy present moments with my children.
My short term goal is weight loss which is easier doing than maintaining. That’s my long term goal; to rebuild my relationship with food and life. To break it down; create a practical and simple food plan post-fast bearing in mind weight and caloric need after weight loss, which I think is paramount in maintaining the new weight.
It’s Day 1 and so far I feel motivated and new. I must say, this forum and the people here gave me a new lease on my perspective. Having off loaded a few things about myself makes me feel like I’ve been born again. At the moment I am confident that I can do this! I will not worry about tomorrow now. One day at a time.
I have to confess that the euphoria of hitting my target weight might be overshadowed by my slipping into old habits and lead to failure to remember the new understanding of myself.
It seems that eating disorders are symptoms of other deeper issues we haven’t dealt with. If we can use extended fasts as a therapeutic tool perhaps we can improve the way we react to life rather than letting it throw it’s burdens on us… just thinking aloud
