Weight Entry:218.8 lb
Lost so far:63.2 lb
Still to go:18.8 lb
So this it. 218.8. I last was 218.8…I literally don’t know when. I am now in uncharted territory. I do know Jan 2020 in spite of eating keto (albeit the most boring eating lifestyle that time, as I ate basically the same thing every day)…I got to 230…and stuck & stuck to the point I gave in to my old carb addictions and regained the weight. All of a sudden, 218.8 doesn’t feel that far away from my target 200. At 200 I will have lost 103 lb from my highest point. But like a martial artist trained to mentally think about punching at a point past the block of wood vs at the block of wood, I’m targeting 190. First of all, its pretty much my ideal weight. 2nd…it gets my head space away from the notion that being so close to target weight will be such a fight to eke out the final pounds!
It has been an excellent 1.5 weeks since my lake trip really. Almost 10lb down. Next year, I would do that differently. Either lose 5lb before the lake trip by past knowing I’ll probably gain 3 to 5lb back inevitably. Or simply not compromise my eating values or process and eating smaller portions 2x a day than I did…or eat lunch only and my parents just have to deal with it. I. Not that I ate badly for the most part. The one special occasion meal planned became 2. But it doesn’t help when my mother serves a double portion of eggs & sausages and says “these are yours…I cooked them for you”…or upon seeing me for the first time in 11 months says “how much weight have you lost? its too much! you look sick!”. I get what she sees. I remember working with a consultant who dramatically dropped weight since I had last seen him & I found myself having this morbid fascination about it, my inner detective looking for signs of illness to explain it. Now, the difference is, there was this diminished man in front of me who was there to do a job, not talk about his weight. I felt better for him when we talked later over dinner about how he had gone gluten free, was on the treadmill every morning to explain his weight loss. (that being said, he did die of cancer a few years later so the thought lingers…was he knowingly sick trying to reverse the effects of cancer at the time? I could see that. He had such a passion for the life he had built. And not the type of person to easily give up on life). Lastly on this subject of weight & sickness…think of a cow. If you had the choice to pick where your steak dinner was coming from, would you choose to take it from the fleshy full cow in front of you? Or the emaciated, skinny, some might say whithered looking specimen in front of you?
Even I catch myself doing a double take in the mirror & noticing how “diminished” I look now. Smaller even in my face. How a favorite polo shirt that was comfortable but pretty filled out at 250ish lb now hangs loose on my frame. I am constantly reminded by my hands and arms…but especially the hands with a web of veins that you could draw blood from! At even 250lb, they are not visible.
So even this close to my ideal weight, will I fast? The easy answer is…yes. I know the weight loss will become more difficult requiring shakeups to the system to get there. But even more so, I want the benefit of autophagy, especially as much tightening of skin possible. Its one of the things I dread is loosing all this weight only to be confronted with hanging loose skin. I’m almost 59. And I have no reserve of needless wealth to allow me to spend the money I would need to for a tummy tuck. I have no partner at this point in my life to judge me. I’ve always been able to hide my extra poundage pretty well and given my financial situation, there is always a better place for me to spend thousands of dollars. But it is the most cruel part of achieving the goal of losing a ton of weight. Its a cruel joke that you can’t make up for past mistakes and its there in front of your eyes every day to remind you that you can never go back, completely.
Anyway moving on…today is a family celebration that I had initially planned to allow myself a minor cheat which I believe now I have decided not to indulge in. Having firmly broken 220, that glass of sweet wine with 9 carbs is simply not that appealing anymore. Instead, the brisket I cook today, will be my “treat”. My test brisket portion I cooked yesterday, while requiring some tweaks in how to cook it, turned out fabulously. (Aside from setting the tin foil on fire!). Tip. put the briskett on the cookie sheet instead of leaving in tin foil when broiling!
In any case, for a first effort, cooked in an unconventional way in the oven, I was thrilled with the result. Tender, moist and crunchy crust on the edge full of flavour. It really is an art to make a good brisket & I now understand why people make competition briskets…and show off their product proudly as they would a restored classic car. Brisket 2.0 will be the gift and treat to myself…and my family today.
Otherwise, before that cooking adventure today, I will take a long walk this morning as the sun rises, as has become my recent habit. a) Its insurance that I will get good exercise in no matter what the day may bring b) it gives me the mental & physical allowance to eat 2MAD vs OMAD if I want to c) it quite often ends up that I have a 2nd walk anyway that day. Bonus exercise as it were!
Finally…my dad gave me 3 pairs of exactly the same size 36 walking shorts when I was at the lake. I chuckled to myself as my Mom thought my son might wear them as he is a 36…but not a chance. He’s too much of a fashion statement to wear pants from Sears or Walmart as they would be. By the same token while I would love to wear size 36 (loose 40, tight 38 last I checked) in theory I should be able to wear them at 200lb. Not only would that be a huge sign of success in my weight loss journey its also a physical reminder of my father, who is almost 86, that will linger probably for the rest of my life. It was also bring a smile to my face everytime as they are 3 colors all exactly the same cut & brand. So much like my father…so unlike me who buying 3 pairs of shorts would seek to find 3 different styles. My dad managed a correctional center & it was the same clothes every day. dark blue blazer, grey pants, black shoes, blue shirt, navy blue tie. I’m sure it gave him great comfort not having to worry about how to be different each day. lol. It was funny when he & Mom gave these to me and Dad was tuttering over them, how they were different brands & styles. Nope, they are all the same brand, Dad. These ones have pleats, the others don’t. Nope Dad, they all have pleats. Oh, is that right? Just a funny moment & memory of how he can be hilarious when he’s wrong. Never confrontational that way. Its fun to gently prove him wrong…especially because he so rarely is. I imagine if at some point he is on his death bed and I have the fortune to be by his side, him saying…I don’t think I’m dying right now. Dad, the doctor has told you you are. No, it doesn’t feel like I’m dying. Dad you’re in pallative care because you are dying. Oh, is that right? I’m not too sure about that. I can just hear that conversation in my my head now.
Lastly, lastly…Happy Sunday…otherwise known to me anyway…the beginning of a new week! I have filled my food plan for the week, but plan to do another fast. Just not sure how soon, yet.
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