Priscilla's Daily Journal

[Priscilla]

Well today is my day 1 and I am definitely a serial starter you could say. The furthest I’ve been able to make it is 4 days at this point… I end up starting my fast a lot of times and don’t finish. I want to do my fast, I need to do my fast.

Over the last year and a half I’ve gained 30 lbs because of some health issues… yes, legit health issues… crazy part is that the doctor’s orders is to go on a fast to help my organs to heal themselves… I do it for a few days, long enough to get over the extreme humps… but then I don’t force myself to keep going with it because I give in to my cravings and desires to eat.

My WHY: Health, feel better about myself, look like the person I feel on the inside, have no regrets for my wedding.

I am going to do this this time.

[Compdude]

That’s interesting that you get past the hardest part and then fail to complete. You may want to look at your WHY more closely. Also is there a fear of being successful? Just wanting to help since you are so close to the finish line.

[Priscilla]

Hey Compdude, thank you so much for your reply. I think you may be on to something… I actually failed my challenge start last night when I was making dinner… convinced myself to wait one more day to start. I was doing so good all day, but then at night while making dinner for my family I managed to talk myself out of my own goals… UGH. SO FRUSTRATING.

I do think you are on to something with having a fear of being successful. My work life has taken a huge toll on me the last few years and while I felt on top of the world at one point and incredibly successful, I have found myself feeling worthless and incapable now. Basically I was forced into a position where I had to be a whistleblower (it was the right thing to do) which resulted in the entire office being shut down, plus the organization getting a ton of external scrutiny, etc.

It has taken a huge toll on me, and now I find myself being my own worst enemy when it comes to trying to accomplish things that are about benefiting myself, or allowing myself to truly feel happy… it almost feels impossible.

I don’t know how to take that weight and negativity off so I can allow myself to be happy and successful when I have this huge weight on me.

[Compdude]

Glad to help. BTW, kudos on being a whistleblower. Takes a lot of courage which tells me you have the intestinal fortitude to be successful.

BTW, if you still feel stressed you may to consider adding meditation to your daily routine. Studies have shown that stress leads to increased levels of cortisol which is a hormone that promotes weight gain and hinders weight loss.

My daily meditation is a morning walk of at least 1 mile first thing in the morning after my weight in and checking my blood sugar.

[Priscilla]

Agreed compdude… days 1-3 have always felt so hard. But I’ve made it through today! I definitely needed your advice from earlier today and it truly made me think about myself and my self sabotage tenancies lately. Thank you for helping me look a bit more internal at what I was doing.

[Priscilla]

Well today is my official day 2! I couldn’t sleep at all last night… sucks. I even took a 5mg melatonin and 2 extra strength sleepy time teas… nope. Sleep wasn’t happening. Oh well. I suppose all happens for a reason as they say. I did roll my butt out of bed around 5am when I decided I couldn’t take staring at the clock anymore then decided to embrace being awake around 5:30am and started my first of 3 cups of coffee this morning… I have the biggest headache. Normally I’m not a caffeine drinker you could say. I’ve moved on to Jasmine Tea… Smells sooooo delish.

I am incredibly happy with myself for making it all the way through day 1 and not letting myself self sabotage. I think that’s going to be my mantra for this fast: “Don’t self sabotage. You deserve better than you are giving yourself.” I’m going to make myself get through this fast and come out stronger and better than I’ve been in years.

I want this for myself. I want to feel whole again. I want to feel happy again. I don’t want to stand in my own way anymore. I won’t make excuses anymore. I won’t be my own worst enemy. I can and will do this!

[Compdude]

Hi Priscilla,

Reasons for the insomnia is that the brain runs better on ketones than glucose and all the energy the body is used to using for the consumption of food and the storing of extra carbohydrates and fat is now freed up.

[Priscilla]

Hey! Man I would have thought the amount of melatonin I took would have forced me to go to sleep… man was I wrong.

How is your fast going so far?

[Compdude]

Going well. 3 hours and 37 minutes to go to finish Day 8 officially marking it as my longest fast. Then its only 32 days more to go to 40. I’ve lost 15lbs so far and have walked at least 1 mile every day.

Had to take a 2 hour nap as all the walking caught up to me. But I’m past the hard part now. Not feeling hunger or the mental foggieness from the transition to fat burning.

[Priscilla]

Wow! That’s awesome! 40 days is one hell of a goal! That’s awesome. It sounds like you are doing great and you are past the biggest hurdle. I’m up and down with the smells of foods triggering me. Earlier I was fine… now I feel like I want to pounce on the person cooking in the microwave! It just happens to be my offspring. DAMN THEM!

[Compdude]

In those situations I think of Arya from Game of Thrones, “Not Today!”

[Priscilla]

Today is Day 3. Last night was brutal and so tough to get past. OMG. I DID IT THOUGH. I don’t normally struggle that much. I did great all day, but then around dinner time, everything was triggering me and I felt like I didn’t care what, I wanted food… so I went down to the bar in our basement, had countless glasses of sparkling water in a wine glass… my water fasting wine, eventually went 2 floors up to my bedroom (the main level above the basement is where the kitchen is), and laid in bed miserably as I couldn’t sleep but was too tired to stare at my phone. It was undeniably rough. Then of course my fiancé came home late in the evening after happy hours smelling like beer and McDonalds… OMG. I hate McDonalds but I wanted it and the beer sooooooo bad since I was smelling them. LOL. After he cleaned up for bed, it wasn’t near as bad. I kept going up and down between realizing that it was mental and I wasn’t really hungry that I was fine, to my stomach growling and having to use every ounce of strength to tell myself I had a full buffet on my body for it to eat. It didn’t need me to eat more food. BUT, I made it through the night.

I rolled out of bed this morning, made the chocolate cake flavored coffee I have (black), watched Yasemine’s Day 3 video for some strength, made another cup of coffee, then got the kids ready for school and me ready for work. When I got to work, I got a jasemin tea, which I LOVE to smell. I have felt much stronger mentally than I did last night or even this morning. I found also that doing some reading of other people’s journals and posting some uplifting thoughts for them has also been helpful inspiration as well.

I know from previous fasts that once I wake up on day 4 it has been so much easier for me, and I feel so much mentally stronger… however, I have a feeling that since my day 4 is on Halloween, it may take even more strength as I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE SUGAR……. sooooo much. I was even really disappointed to start my fast on the 27th (then convinced myself to start Nov 1 which I recanted all because I wanted an excuse to indulge in baskets of chocolate peanut buttery bliss and other forms of legal white powdery goodness… I LOVE SUGAR SOOO MUCH.

That’s definitely one of the things I’m looking forward to with my fast is being off all the sugars for 21 days… When I’m feeling rational, I want so much to be done with sugar and never look back. I want to look at food as a source of life and energy but not something that I WANT or NEED because of my emotional state or boredom I’m experiencing.

I want to walk down the aisle on my wedding day feeling confident, proud, and have no regrets. I want to fit into my business attire again so I can start dressing more professionally at work the way I should be dressing for the job I have (I refuse to spend that much money buying more business clothes and I don’t accept being this size forever). Last night, I decided to try on a few of my work dresses, and even though they didn’t fit yet, I know I have made progress because the last time I tried them on, they weren’t just tight, I couldn’t get them on. Now I can get them on and zipped, they are just way to tight. So now, I am excited for when I end my 21 day fast and a lot (not all) of my dress clothes will once again fit me.

Trying to remind myself of the positive. Remind myself that I can be and deserve to be successful. I keep reminding myself to get out of my own way. I keep reminding myself to be my best friend instead of my own worst enemy. I keep reminding myself that my success truly doesn’t mean the failure of others and I should be proud of my success and do everything I can to achieve success, instead of convincing myself that success is in changing my goals or quitting.

Happy Day 3! We’ve got this!

[Yasemin]

Proud of you! Love your journalling and all your supportive comments in other people’s journals! You are a superstar!

[IamJoeHernandez]

Congrats @Priscilla

You deserve to look your best. You deserve to feel your best. And you will!. Stay strong!

[Priscilla]

Love your journalling and all your supportive comments in other people’s journals!

Thanks @Yasemin - I know the motivation helps me, and I’m hoping that being here for others will help them as well!

Thanks @IamJoeHernandez so much for the encouragement! I truly appreciate it.

So today is my day 4 and I’m definitely feeling a high and nervous all at the same time. Sooo today WILL BE the first day I’ve EVER made it in a fast past day 4. That is exciting and I can’t wait to finish this phase of my fasting so I can “coast” through it! I am sad because today is Halloween and I LOVE Halloween… love the alcoholic beverages, LOVE THE CANDY SOOOO MUCH, love the dressing up… I am making a glutenvine (hot wine), a spiked cider, and some food as our neighbors are coming over this evening. My only saving grace, is that I bought from David’s Tea (Thanks @Yasemin for the recommendation in one of your videos) an Apple Cider Tea - that has no sugars in it and it is SOOOOO DELISH. I am going to be making that for tonight and drinking it out of my wine glass so that I can feel like I am having a treat, and I’m going to remind myself I get this treat tonight. I’ve kept myself from having this tea since the first few times I made it, specifically so I could tell myself it’s a special treat tonight. Sooo prep work complete and I’m actually excited I get to have it!

Plus I am dressing up tonight. I’m going to be Queen Sersie from the Game of Thrones… and my sexy fiancé is going to be Sir Jaime. Yes, I know that’s technically incest… but they loved each other soooo much!!! And my fiancé is very tall and I have super long blonde hair. So everyone THINKS I will automatically be the Queen Denyeres BUT, I’d rather go the non conventional route.

So last night was tough… SO TOUGH. Around 4pm I started getting VERY IRRITABLE and quite frankly struggled to even have conversation with my fiancé on our entire drive home from work (we work in the same building about 30 min from our home). We did have conversation, but the entire last 10 min I found myself talking about food pretty much non stop. LOL I was GREAT conversation. Plus my brain keeps autocorrecting what people are saying to saying something about food and it’s making me even more grouchy. LOL

So when we got home, I made some fruit flavored tea (which I actually didn’t have any) and then I put on some comfy sweats, grabbed my wine glass, filled it with sparkling water, sat at the bar in the basement, and watched TV by myself while my fiancé took the kids out to dinner and taught them how to change a tire. (Requirement for our daughter in drivers education to know how to change a tire…)

When they got home, my fiancé came down stairs and hung out with me for a little bit The NATS were working hard to WIN THE WORLD SERIES… YOU KNOW WE WATCHED IT! So then I went upstairs to bed to watch for a while longer before going to sleep (was going on 2 days of no sleep) and he did some work on his computer while watching in the living room.

I literally couldn’t be on the main floor last night of the house… felt too vulnerable. I’m glad I got sleep because today I am feeling SOOOO much better. Feeling more confident, feeling more capable, feeling more comfortable with tonight being Halloween and us being around all of the food and drinks.

Day 4 is going to be a GREAT day and I’m excited for it!

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!! We are all going to be strong! We can all do this together!!!

[alyssadanniele]

CONGRATULATIONS!!! It sounds like you’re implementing some great tools. I have no doubt you’re going to do great today!

P.S. That 4th paragraph made me giggle You’re a riot!

HAPPY HALLOWEEN

[Priscilla]

Thanks Alyssa, I appreciated your encouragement and I’m glad I made you laugh! Hope you enjoy your Halloween and have a wonderful day!

[Priscilla]

Okay, short entry today… but I know what everyone is thinking… “Did Priscilla survive Halloween?” The answer is both yes and no! LOL. I decided around noon time that I was ok with the idea of eating on Halloween, but that I wouldn’t have more than 3 pieces of candy all night (this way it wasn’t an excuse to gorge myself on that sweet sweet crack). Honestly, Halloween is my FAVORITE holiday and the next closest is New Years and the 4th of July. I have never enjoyed Thanksgiving food, just enjoy the people and family… I’ve never really celebrated Christmas and I don’t like the whole overboard on gift thing… Halloween has just become my favorite holiday to celebrate with friends.

Soooo I did eat food and drink some beer with everyone on what was my day 4. I only had 2 pieces of mini candy and that was it. Didn’t go crazy. I will say, after so many hours and days of not eating, having an impossible burger (homemade), a few chips and queso, along with a couple of beers really didn’t agree with my stomach… wasn’t the best idea. Plus at the very end of the night, I was thinking to myself… “Man, I really could have gotten through that whole night without the food and not felt any pressure or felt like I was missing out.” It really was just too much mentally, for me to spend all afternoon cooking and preparing foods and having my hands in all the foods, and not give in. So while I made my decision several hours before I actually ate, I realized I made that decision not really needing to feel that way, after everything was said and done. Everyone was eating at different times, going in and out of the house… everyone was drinking different things… no one would have even noticed had I not of eaten or had been drinking and I don’t know that I would have felt left out at the end of the night.

Soooo while I realized I made a decision to break my fast that I didn’t really need to make, (I just didn’t want to spontaneously make the decision, I wanted it to be a conscious choice several hours ahead of time, and not a rash in the moment choice).

I’m still ok with my decision and I’m not going to dwell on my choice. One of the positive things that came out of it, was the realization that I really could have been completely fine and had a great time, had I continued to fast throughout the event that I didn’t think I could get through without participating in the eating and drinking.

So while I’m technically on my day 5 (I believe in getting right back on the wagon on my journey, not starting my journey over necessarily), today is November 1 which makes me want to rethink my strategy a bit. Sooooooooooooo…

I have a new 25 day fasting goal and I am super excited about it!!! Today I am on day 5 of my 25 day fast! I am continuing from my original 21 day fast and going through the 21st of November.

That day is perfect for me for multiple reasons:
1- I will not only complete, but exceed my original goal.
2- It will be a complete “21 days” of full fasting from 1 Nov through 21 Nov
3- I fly out of town on 21 Nov, so it won’t be hard to complete that day fasting

I am actually very excited and looking forward to my new, extended goal. One thing that was great about breaking my fast yesterday, is that I have an event coming up this Saturday, one where I would typically drink a fair amount of alcohol… Imagine going to a frat party for adults basically… it’s a difficult situation not to drink and eat. Halloween showed me that even at the events that seem impossible to not partake in eating and drinking, that it really can be done without feeling left out. I really didn’t need to participate, but even though I did, I’m still happy I made the choice well ahead of time and not just by caving and giving in spontaneously. I think my decision to break my fast last night will only help me with my new 25 day fasting goal, and help me get through events that I thought were otherwise impossible to get through without eating and drinking. Besides, I noticed that I spend more time talking to people than I do eating, even when I have a plate of food in front of me.

Sooooo I’m excited! I’ll weigh in and check my stats later. I put my gym clothes on for now, so that I make sure to go to the gym today. It definitely helps keep hunger away.

Happy Nov 1 everyone! I hope everyone had a wonderful Halloween and has a great weekend ahead!

[Compdude]

It’s a learning process. For myself, I found for fasts of 3 days or less I can start a refeed with solid food. For 4 to 7 days, I start with 2 cans of Vegetable and Beef soup then have a larger meal 2 hours later. For my current fast of 40 days, I’m going to start my ReFeed with 5 days of OMAD consisting of soup before eating solid food again.

[Priscilla]

Yeah… that makes sense. Man, I had the worst worst worst stomach ache last night. Laid in bed in pain around 9:30pm and was miserable… the food just didn’t sit well on my stomach and I felt like a log… I had just started feeling lighter…

Feeling good today so far… need to do a few things then going to go to the gym after the lunch crowd rush so I can keep hunger feelings at bay.