Miri’s daily journal

[Miri]

Hi there!
I just joined this forum a few days ago and at the moment I am 52 hours into my fast. I have set the Life app to 504 hours (21 days) which might be pretty presumptious seeing that so far my longest fast has been 3 days.

I am a SAHM and live in the Netherlands.

I have been overweight for “all my life”. Better said: I was told to be overweight ever since I can remember.
Actually did my first diet at the age of 12 when going to high school. I can really remember well, a 10 day juice fast.

Starting weight was 69 kilos at 1.74m, which by no means was overweight!!

(BMI 22.8)

But I felt fat and was called fat and learned throughout all my childhood that fat people are no good. So I felt no good.

Needless to say, my weight spirallled up after every diet I followed.

In between diets I tried to fill up the voids, eat away all the insecurities, and tried to feel happier by stuffing my face.

“WHY” - Why am I doing this?
Which brings me to my WHY. At the moment I weight 105.6 kilos. Which is a BMI of 35. I started losing weight for the umpppft time this past August and so far I am 13 kilos down.
Our little boy is 1,5 years old and I want to be healthy. Strong. Fit. Energetic. Lean. And the best mom I can be for as long as possible.

What are my long term and short term goals?
When I started this past August, I set up different bets to lose weight. One of which was to lose 25 kilos in 8 months. That seemed doable. But it would also mean going below the magic 100 kilos.

Something I have not done in 20 years.

My long term goal though, is to go back to 75 kilos.

What are some struggles I face or have faced in the past
Now that I have lost 13 and the 100 kilos is getting in sight, I noticed that I am having a really hard time to believe that I DO MATTER.

That I AM WORTHY. That I am CAPABLE. And that I CAN AND WILL lose all that fat.

What is My game plan?
My game plan is carnivore and waterfasting.

How do I feel right now?
Apart from a bit hungry at the moment, I feel determined. Hopeful. Energized.

How will I feel once you achieve your goal?
I am already feeling a lot stronger and fitter and can only imagine to feel even fitter than.

But also more confident.

I am really determined to make this work. To face my stuff. To work on my self image. To work on my personal mindset. To feel even more confident in my skin. To love myself.

Write down your daily positive affirmation:
I am strong, I am capable, I will get to weigh 75 kilos.

anything else
I am reading “Life in the Fasting Lane” by Jason Fung and loving it. So many aha moments that are now firing me up and actually pissing me off. Especially the part about how CICO does not work.

99% of people who follow a calorie restriction diet and lose weight, will gain that back within a year and then some.

I am pissed off because I have been told all my life that I “just” had to move more and eat less. And that because I wasnt able to do so (no self discipline, lazy and what not) I was not worthy. I was not able to be slim. Nor successful.

I see now that that has been the biggest lie and so many trainers, nutritionists and weight loss consultants still go by that mantra “move more eat less” and so many clients fail and feel worse every time. It really saddens me.

But I am so glad that I stumbled upon fasting again (I read his Obesity Code book years ago but wasn’t ready at that time)

And I am SOOOO glad that I found your youtube channel @Yasemin and your facebook group and this forum.

So now I am just going to plunge in.

Ah. So yeah, I kind of gotten myself in a pickle. I placed many many bets so that I would have to keep losing weight and make certain weigh outs. Yikes!

Right now it is 105.6
22nd of October I need to be below 104.6
27nd of October I need to be below 101.5 (and still weight below that the 29th)

After that I can breath a bit, but I do want to get below 100 as soon as I can.

Once I create this topic and get off of my computer, I will create a fasting calender in my bullet journal. My roadmap to follow.

I do want to reach 21 days. Even though that means I won’t be able to eat on my moms birthday. And even though that means I will still be refeeding when my husband will be celebrating his 40th birthday. So be it.

But I need to plan this.

[discobot]

Hi! To find out what I can do, say @discobot display help.

[Elwira_Pawlak]

Hey, i feel you girl been there, done that! My problem was pretty similar… i had ana… since I can remember. Never been bulimic, but i did turn into indulging myself too much throughout recovery from ED (it took me around 3.5 yrs) to gain my first period (first ever at 22y o. ) and apparently half of myself 45+45kg, do the math…

Hey, that was the plan. I did it. I learned to eat everything… Maybe overdid on the treats etc. That was the point tho to stop fearing food and learn to love yourself at every size… I couldn’t accept myself at my lowest… like You couldn’t at high school

EDs are so similar, yet very different in their forms.
I can easily say now, that Im recovered head/mind wise and I am finally ready to lose those 22kg - no more ± 30ibs I think. To be at a healthy BMI.

It’s not like i want to be 45kg and 173cm again I’m simply mature enough to know… that would bring me no good… and health doesn’t equal numbers on the scale. Likewise, i’d love to be in a healthy range, you too… right?

I want to be: Strong. Fit. Energetic. Lean… simply healthy, just like You!

We CAN. I believe we do!
Kisses,
Elwira (or Ella)

[Miramar]

Get a calendar and some stickies and look for those schedule events. Then plan the fasts around them.

Im busting out my last 21 for the year now.

Then maybe doing a 14 day next month.

Then trickling down to some shorter fasts for the holidays.

You can do this!

[Miri]

Oh yeah!

My goal definitely is NOT being a runway model or amazingly thin.

I want to be healthy. Strong. Fit. Energetic.

[Miri]

I am making my own fasting schedule in my bullet journal, having to try and work around holidays and 2 important birthdays.

Writing things down really works for me.

Once I have done that, I’ll put up the stickies

[Miri]

10 am. 73 hours into this fast.

Last night I had a hard time sleeping, tossing and turning in bed. And then at 2 am my little boy woke up… after that it took me an hour to get back to sleep again.

The thing I have been thinking about, is that right now I am focussed on just this fast. But I really should write down a plan following that fast.

The refeeding stage, follow up fasts. And with 2 important birthdays, the holidays etc around the corner, I really do want to make this work.

So I was thinking maybe right now fasting 21 days is not the right moment for me.

Maybe it is. Maybe it is too fast, 21 days when my longest so far has been only 3 days.

So yeah, later on I will sit down with my bullet journal and see if I can come up with a plan that will work.

Anyhow.

This morning I went through my closet when folding my laundry and I decided that, now that autumn really has started here, why keep around summer clothes that will be far too small next summer?

I don’t want to keep hanging around all those reminders of “big me”.

So I have gone through them and going to bring them away after I finish this journal.

Because one thing is for sure. No matter the extend of this current fast, I WILL DROP ALL THIS WEIGHT!

[Elwira_Pawlak]

hahaha, let’s fight for it then!

[spull]

@Miri

I am pissed off because I have been told all my life that I “just” had to move more and eat less. And that because I wasnt able to do so (no self discipline, lazy and what not) I was not worthy. I was not able to be slim. Nor successful.

I hear you on this. Was told this aswell. Didnt’ really work… just made me feel worse as you state because the failure of the OneWayFitsAll scheme made me feel like ok, then I suck at being human.

[Miri]

@spull

OneWayFitsAll scheme

You mean the one that is proven to fail 99% of the time right? (And only works for those who make their money off is dieters…)

[spull]

@Miri Yeh exactly. Im just confused sometimes due to looking around at people who got it down from the start but that’s another story + I am not in their bodies or minds so cannot speak about what possible demons they fight - maybe numbing on other things than food.
I guess there are different paths. And the idea of Onefitsall/cico/eat less exercise more sure is a marketing thing.
Did not know it was as bad as 99%…

[Miri]

@spull I am reading “life in the fasting lane” and if I’m not mistaken, that is the number Jason Fung mentions from many studies done.

99% of people who have lost weight through CICO will regain that weight (and then some) within a year after losing it.

Mainly due to severely restricting calories and thus slowing down their metabolism and the associated feelings of not being able etc.

Whereas fasting is not slowing down anything. Yes, calories in total might go down, but it is not calorie restriction, but changing eating window, restoring insulin resistance, etc

[Miri]

So… I had a great night sleep. 9 hours straight! First time since the birth of our son 18 months ago.

Got on the scale this morning, happy to see the weight is moving in the right direction. Even happier to see that my silhouet is improving.

Like I said, I broke my fast yesterday after 3+ days. Not because I was hungry or feeling sick. Not because of any excuses.

I came to the realization that I am doing all “this” for my health but rushed into an extended fast to meet a DietBet deadline.

So I felt I was not in it for the right reason. Of course, losing weight (and fasting!) is the right thing for my health.

But in order to succeed LONG-term, I should do things properly and we’ll planning without rushing in.

I want my weight loss to be sustainable and forever.

I know they say it is about discipline.

But guess what. If somebody at my age and after a lifetime of dieting etc is still trying for it. Still at it. Still focused to lose weight and get healthy, you bet there is NOTHING wrong with my discipline!

It has always been THE WAY I was going at it.

• not feeling worthy
• Not feeling happy
• Not feeling good about myself
• No self esteem
• Diets that were not sustainable long term
• Not eating REAL food

So throughout all these years all I have done is make my body sick.

Carb addicted and insulin resistant.

And that is the Cycle I am really trying to break.

I want to heal my body.

Make it whole again, no matter at what weight that will be.

I want to fully love myself again.

[Elwira_Pawlak]

Wow! Yea, You’re right.

Self- love first…
…the rest will follow

P. S. By self love… I mean treating our bodies with the respect it DESERVES! Starting of with good night sleep, whole foods and THE RIGHT NON-JUDGEMENTAL mindset.

Cheering for You deeply and strongly

[Miri]

@Elwira_Pawlak thank you so much!! So sweet!

I am looking into positive affirmations, (gave myself a set of affirmation cards) and the tapping solution in order to feel more positive about myself and break the chain of negative thoughts.

So really working on that self love!

[Miri]

guess what, including today, there are 75 days left in this year!

Not sure if you guys are familiar with the #75Hard concept (or i my case the Carnivore75Hard concept) but seeing that I don’t believe in coincidences and I had already been playing with the idea of doing another one (have done one in March and really loved it) :

I am taking this as a sign and started a new one today.

below is a picture of the fasting schedule I made, taking in account some social events.

As for the rest of the 75Hard concept:
1 nutrition (sticking with my carnivore diet)
2 healing (sticking to my fasting schedule)
3 movement (gradually increasing my steps )
4 mindset (Affirmations, gratitude and tapping)
5 people around you (complimenting/helping)

My fasting schedule for the coming 75 days: (last week did not fit in the picture )

[Kristy]

I can’t tell you just how inspirational this all is! You’re doing this for you! You’ve got a well thought out plan of action! Keep us posted!

[Elwira_Pawlak]

I agree just stopped myself from posting that I feel like I’m already posting too much of everything, everywhere it’s just… Fasting gives You sooo much extra time You don’t really know what to do with it which is totally fine by me since I’ve got my bachelor’s diploma work yet to finish… The deadly deadline is December this year!

You definitely GOT the knowledge and THE PLAN
You’re sooo inspiring Please, guys DO TELL me when I overdo on posting I’ve a tendency of losing myself, always in need of that strict parent

[Miramar]

@Elwira_Pawlak

Please, guys DO TELL me when I overdo on posting

There’s no overdoing it. Have you seen my journal? All my comments on others threads? All my challenge posts?

Post away!

[Miri]

@Kristy thank you so much! I find this forum really inspirational and it feels really welcoming here… so sharing my thoughts and progress here feels safe and good

@Elwira_Pawlak I think there is no such thing as posting too much! Be it sharing your experiences, sharing your thoughts, mistakes etc, or commenting and supporting on other threads. I think it is all good!

I for one really appreciate the support! So thank you!!!

and ace that diploma!