Mindy K's Daily Journal

[MindyK]

Intro
Hi, I’m Mindy K. I am 49 and fat. Short and fat. I am 5’2". At my heaviest, I was 242 pounds. Right now, I am about 222 pounds. And man, have I paid the price for being fat. One time my husband, who was being unfaithful to me at the time, pushed me down into the dirt, stuck his finger in my face, and angrily yelled, “You’re fat, you’re ugly, and you deserved everything that happened to you.”

You would think that would be rock bottom. I know I did. I mean, how much more rock bottom does a woman have to get?

Fast forward three years later and my estranged husband and I are talking about our relationship. The conversation sums up like this, he’d rather have no sex than sex with me.

Now, I am fat. I know this. I have battled this for 20 years. You name it, I’ve done it with the exception of surgery and fasting. HCG shots in my stomach? Yup. Ordered the stuff illegally from India even. VLCD? Yup - 800 calories a day of the exact same menu for 6 weeks. Weight Watchers. I was even a leader for a while. Nutrisystem. Quick Weight Loss Center. Keto. LCHF. South Beach. Dr. Furhman Nutritarian. Engine 2 Plant-Based Diet. I don’t think there is a diet book that I haven’t read and tried.

But I can’t do this anymore. I can’t be the woman who simply can’t conquer food. That just can’t do it - even though I have paid the ultimate price after 27 years of marriage - having a husband who is too ashamed of me to be married to me any longer.

Why
Because I truly, once and for all, need to prove to myself that I am not helpless to food.

Long Term and Short Term Goals:
Long term goals are to lose 100 pounds and to have control over food.
Short term goals right now to get back under 200 pounds.

What are some struggles you face or you have faced in the past
I have almost no family pictures with me in them because I am too ashamed of what I look like. Actually, my family has almost no family photos. We have taken almost no fun vacations as a family because of what I looked like and my fat, unhealthy, lazy self not being up for doing camping, hiking, adventuring, or being in a bathing suit. I have held myself back professionally because I am embarrassed to go for job interviews. I have been in a marriage with a husband who has lost all respect for me and who is embarrassed to be seen with me for as long as I can remember. My 20-year-old son has no memory every being thin and active.

Even when I have successfully lost weight, I have put it back on immediately.

** What is your game plan?**
I have been doing a few days of OMAD. I just completed my first 48 hour fast. I am on day one of what I hope will be my first 3 day fast and if I am feeling good, I hope to just keep going and try for a seven day fast.

How do I feel right now?
I am determined but nervous.

How will I feel once I achieve my goal?
I think I will feel unbelievable. I will feel invincible.

Daily Affirmation
I am stronger than I think! It’s just food, it’s not a solution to any of my problems. No one has seen how strong I can be but they are about to!

[MindyK]

**May 25 - Day 1 of 3"
So far I have managed to stay strong all day. I found myself heading to the kitchen a couple of times when I got stressed. Just bolting up out of my chair and heading to the kitchen to rummage through the cupboards. But, every time, I was able to catch myself, notice what I was doing, and redirect myself back to my computer work. I observed that it was when something at the computer made me feel uncomfortable or frustrated. I practiced mindfulness and just got back to work.

I watched a few YouTube videos for inspiration. Videos about water fasting and a few David Goggins interviews - How to Never Quit Anything & Become Immune To Pain.

1. Push Yourself To The Extreme
2. Tap Into Suffering
3. Study Your Days
4. Do Things Your Way
5. Constantly Evolve
6. Be The Best You Can Be
7. Be Happy With Who You Are
8. Tap Into Your Mind
9. Find Your Purpose
10. Don’t Care What Cowards Think
    Bonus - Fix Yourself!

My first day is done. It was harder than I wanted it to be but I am developing an awareness of how I automatically turn to food when I feel discomfort. Any emotional distress caused me to look to the kitchen today.

And I didn’t have a single Diet Mountain Dew - which is a massive accomplishment. Especially since I don’t drink coffee or tea and I was wanting a different flavor than just my water.

[Compdude]

Yep, build that fasting muscle. Let me know how I can help. I’ve been here since the beginning starting in October of last year.

Good luck!

[MindyK]

Thank you! I appreciate it! I really do! I’ve seen you in quite a few threads! You are very supportive!

[Overcomer]

@MindyK, I’m sorry to hear all you have been through. I believe you can turn all the negatives into a positive starting today. You are right, you are stronger than you think or know. We are very supportive here so just reach out and talk about anything on your heart. You have got this - all the best

[MindyK]

Thank you! I appreciate your words of encouragement! I agree that the negatives will all be turned to positives. They already are in so many ways!

[MindyK]

May 26 2020 - Day 2/3 - Day 2 on Forum

My son’s girlfriend dropped by at 10:30 pm last night with homemade goodies for my son and me. They looked amazing. Didn’t have any. Went to bed satisfied over a day that I stayed in power over my food.

Now, folks, it is hard to explain how much of an accomplishment this is. My church fasts once a month. It is just an OMAD. Skipping two meals. I can almost never do this. I typically cave by 2:30.

I am heading into day 2 with resolve. I am stronger than I think. I’m prepared with my water and my electrolytes and vitamins.

My longest fast is 47 hours and I’ve done that once. I did that last week. I’m at 32 hours and feeling great so far!

[Overcomer]

Excellent! You have got this girl

[Mizqtpye]

I’m so glad you were able to abstain from the goodies! Great Job

I’m also sorry to hear about your past troubles…he truly sounds like all the ugly things he has called you! I’m glad to see your previous post to overcomer about the negatives being turned to positives because I’m worried that some of his negatives have been internalized (i.e., for example, I see some negative self talk - “my fat, unhealthy, lazy self”). I hope you can let go of those types of words about yourself and learn to see the beauty in you and in all the small milestones you make towards becoming the person you want to be, like turning down the goodies and making it 2-3 days on this fast. You’re doing awesome…keep it up! I’m on day 9, and can’t wait to read when you get there…I know you’ll do it!

[Fazinha]

Hi Mindy. I am so sorry for what you have been living. Only you know how things are in your family live, but you have to do this for yourself. No one deserve to be humilliated and desrespected. I wish the best for you. You can do it!

[Vegas]

Congratulations on your progress! The mental component is everything when it comes to making a change. I know that has been a factor for me, personally. When I was younger, the thought never crossed my mind that I couldn’t accomplish what I set out to do. It is only recently that I realized that I need to cultivate more self love and find value in myself, beyond how I look. Everybody has different histories contributing to those mindsets, so I have been watching lectures online and reading books to help me pinpoint the limiting beliefs and internal scripts I’ve developed so I can stop self- sabotaging myself. I am no longer resigning myself to being a fat nobody, because we all have good and bad, challenges and talents, and potential to reach what we want in life. We just need to believe we deserve it more than the temporary pleasure food may provide. Just don’t do it to win the respect of someone who treats you bad. Anything done with love is so much more empowering to affect permanent change. Don’t you agree?

[Compdude]

@Vegas @MindyK You are NOT your story. You are free to reinvent yourself anytime you choose.

[MindyK]

Thank you everyone for your words of support and wisdom. I am hard on myself - perhaps because I feel like I have been too easy on myself in the past.

But I hear your good advice and am taking it to heart!

[MindyK]

May 26 2020 Day 2/3 - 2nd day on forum

Time for bed. The day was a success. Lots of water. No food. Walked and did some weeding outside. Got a little sunburn on skin that I missed with sunblock! Oops!

As I sleep, I will pass the 47 hour mark which is my longest fast so far. I should wake up in the morning about 54 hours into this fast. So exciting!

I am so glad I found this forum and community! You all are awesome!

I am stronger than I think!
MindyK

[Sol_Baldi]

You’re so strong mindyK this is such a great thing to do and you’re doing it. !!

[MindyK]

May 27 - Day 3/3 - Day 3 on Forum

65 hours in of water fasting! Wow, I can hardly believe it! It seems crazy!

The scale is moving which is nice!

A bit of a headache today but I know I need to drink more water and get in my electrolytes. I’ve slacked on that. No particular reason. Just did.

I had a realization today.

I am very childish when I eat. I want to eat the most easy, savory, celebratory food I can. I am an all day grazer- I don’t eat meals often. When I do, I’ve cooked a big meal and then eat it for days.

I like no fuss, yummy food. Like chips and dip. Popcorn. Fast food.

I don’t like the work of food. I just like eating it.

Fasting is actually more up my alley than dieting. Especially dieting where I have to eat 3-6 times a day. The meal prep. Ugh. The bland food. Double ugh. I’d rather not eat.

It’s actually true. I’d rather not eat than deal with the hassle of dieting. Interesting.

Maybe this isn’t true at all and it’s just “Day 3 True”. We shall see.

[Compdude]

It’s true. I was the same way. I changed and it’s allowed me to stay with this lifestyle since August 9th last year.

In between fasts, I practice a 20:4 TRE 2MAD daily protocol.

20:4 - 20 hours fasting with a 4 hour eating window.

TRE: Time Restricted Eating meaning I start my eating window as early in the morning as possible to take advantage of the fact our bodies are most insulin sensitive in the morning.

2MAD: 2 meals a day - 1st meal is a small anti-inflammatory oriented meal followed 3 hours later with my main meal. With the freed up time I’ve become motivated to be a good cook, especially for the 2nd meal. I’ve learned to make the following: homemade vegetable & beef soup, steak & broccoli, chicken Caesar salad and Chicken Cobb Salad. I save money and I control what goes in my food.

[MindyK]

That sounds like a great plan! Is insulin sensitive a good thing? Something to take advantage of?

[Compdude]

Yes. The body get ready for the rigors of the day by increasing insulin production to get more glucose in the cells. At least 2 hours before your regular bedtime, your brain signals a shutdown of insulin meaning all those carbs in your stomach gets stored into fat. This is based on the work of Dr Saatchin Panda of the Salk Institute in San Diego.