Mimi's Fasting Journal

[mimicat]

Intro
Hi I am Mimi, and I’m at the heaviest weight in my life. I’ve always been slightly chubby because I’ve always grown up with sugar. I’d choose desserts over mains any time, but somehow I was able to maintain the chubbiness and not go too far off my normal weight.

Somehow about 2 years back, I started overeating (on the worst junk foods) and could not control my appetite. I could easily gain 5lb in a month and it just kept crawling upwards. I was a secret eater too. I’d skip social gatherings because I felt embarrassed by how much it’d take to make me feel satiated, so I ended up not going. Or if I went, I knew I’d go for seconds when I was by myself again.

I know my portion sizes are way out of whack, and it’s hard for me to feel satiated.

I managed to lose a bit when I first tried out keto and IF. It felt like a game and I was clocking 16h fasts regularly. I was very motivated to go low-carb and could google many hours for recipes to try and make on my own. Cooking got burdensome, I still haven’t appreciated the art of cooking and cleaning dishes. I got really sick of it, lost my discipline to fast because I felt so deprived, and simply gave up. Went back to my old habits.

Why
Now I feel really out of control. I feel like my past successes were small, I managed to lose 10lb and still looked chubby. Now, I feel like I need to lose 20lb to feel more acceptable again.

I’m really upset everytime I look into the mirror and wonder, how did I really let myself gain so much weight, so fast? I can see a big difference in the body frame, my loose clothes don’t even fit! It was really frustrating when I couldn’t even fit into my shorts - not like I couldn’t zip it up, I couldn’t even get it past my thighs. That really made me feel like my self-esteem hit rock bottom, and I lost all respect I had for myself.

And of course, I’m not meeting friends and not even wanting to respond anybody’s text. The worst question is when they ask, “how are you” and I have nothing to share about my life. Because I’m so preoccupied with this weight gain, I haven’t been able to focus on anything else. Food has just become a source of comfort, but also the reason for the huge amount of guilt afterward.

I’m also a little worried I might get diabetes. I’ve been experiencing new symptoms that I’ve never felt before. Some days I feel my vision is blurry. And when I sleep, my hands fall asleep whenever I’m sleeping on my side. and I sweat too much, too easily. I’ve never felt these before, and it definitely doesn’t feel pleasant.

Long Term and Short Term Goals:
Long term goals for me is to look fit, not chubby.
Short term now is to get back to the pre binge weight. Even looking chubby is not bad as now.

What are some struggles you face or you have faced in the past
I am a sugar addict. The thought of going low carb feels like I cannot have my favourite bake goods, and almost everything has sugar in it! I struggle with the thought of having food with “no added sugar”.

My eating portions are way too big now, and it takes a lot for me to feel satiated.

I have trouble taming my mental willpower. I now struggle every hour. I am always giving excuses to not complete my goals.

** What is your game plan?**
I hope to embark on this fast to reset my addiction to food, and remove the emotional aspect of turning to food for comfort. I feel 21 days might be too ambitious for a first-timer, but then again another part of me wonders, why not? I hope to get past 7 days and see how long I can go on for. Then 14, then push til the end.

After that, I really hope to make it sustainable by doing OMAD and realising that I don’t have to eat 3 times a day.

How do I feel right now?
I want to prove to myself I can.

How will I feel once I achieve my goal?
It’d be great if I can go back to days before my ED got so bad. I want to fit into my clothes again and it would be amazing. I would feel more confident to face the world again.

I want to prove to myself that I can overcome it as long as I set my mind to it…

Daily Affirmation

• I have already gone this far … ‘___ hours in’ and I can extend it a little longer.
• I am benefiting from this reset! My body needs it.

[mimicat]

I fasted for 4 days for my first water fast. Although I planned for 7 or more, I think I shall be kinder to myself and instead look forward to training my fasting muscle and willpower.

Day 1 was torturous because of the frequent hunger pangs, I couldn’t focus and my mood was just bad. I didn’t sleep well either. I managed to do a light jog and was amazed by my ability to still exercise without feeling too weak.

Day 2 & 3 were better as I no longer felt hungry, but food smell would trigger me and make me want to cave in. It took a lot of determination to try to disregard them. Even sat through 2 meals watching people around me eat.

Day 4, however, I started feeling the pangs and didn’t manage to distract myself. I recall feeling very frustrated and couldn’t really function. There were a few times I got up too fast and felt light headed, and didn’t feel like exerting energy. I managed a 5 mile stroll, but toward the end that’s where I felt my stomach got too annoying and I caved in…

I didn’t refeed well, though. I immediately ordered chicken for takeout. I thought, okay protein at least… It wasn’t a small portion. I didn’t stop. I reached for carbs and am extremely guilty of the way I broke my fast. I got myself cake, cookies and ice cream knowing very well I shouldn’t. My stomach felt uncomfortable after that, probably because of the sheer amount I had eaten… I slept right after that.

And today, the snacks in the house were just too tempting and I was practically still eating every other hour even if I wasn’t hungry. I didn’t want to restrict myself. and when I told myself, “okay, this will be my last meal so I can start the timer again…” I would crave for more food.

So I know I still didn’t heal my relationship with food. I ate like a monster, from morning til 11pm.
It seems like I’m ‘dreading’ to restart the fast…

I probably want to have some eggs for breakfast tomorrow and start my fast again.

[Van]

Congrats on completing day 4. You did great!!!

I am in the same boat as you. I am still learning to refeed properly after an extended fast. I remember binge eating after fasting for 14 days: I ate all day till my stomach hurt. It was an awful feeling. We are in it together.

The difference between success and failure is that success is learning to get back up after a failure. You can do it!!!

[mimicat]

Thank you, sweetie It’s nice knowing that I’m not the only person who behaves like this.
Let’s work hard again, starting now.

Day 0 (again)
I cut myself too much slack today… After a bingefest until 11pm last night, I was feeling peckish when I got up in the morning, managed to skip breakfast but by the time it was mid-afternoon, I decided I could at least break fast with protein. Eggs shouldn’t be that bad? I made 3 scrambled eggs, and then naughty hands still reached for a piece of bread and more biscuits. That’s when I regretted my decisions because I didn’t even feel like I enjoyed the biscuits.

Then came dinner. I knew I wasn’t hungry yet, but I felt like I wanted my “last supper” again because I’d restart tomorrow. Excuses So after I was offered some oranges, I thought, ok screw it since I’m restarting the timer, I’d have a hearty meal and do a proper reset tomorrow. I got out of the house to buy chicken tenders from KFC and actually felt full… (I thought I couldn’t eat anymore).

After my shower, I was ready to binge again. I opened a bag of chips thinking I’d just have 1 serving, but who ever stops at one!?! (I was wrong… I could always eat more!!!)

Honestly, it’s a little shameful how much I ate, I don’t even dare to list them down. and yes, I continued eating despite feeling full, so that was really ill-disciplined of me, and maybe even I’d call it self-destructive.

I feel like I’ve just undone whatever I lost during my first 4-day fast with my binges the past 2 days. and I’m frustrated at myself why I had allowed myself to do that, and waste all the effort from the 4 days. Those 4 days had been tough! It doesn’t make sense, whenever I feel like eating I forget everything. I haven’t changed. I haven’t learned to control myself.

Even after having read “Brain over Binge”… When that “animal brain” makes a decision eat, where does Mimi’s brain go?

[mimicat]

Day -1 (again)
Today was another bad day of binge, I kept telling myself I would not eat unless I was hungry.

Took me so much effort to drag myself out of the house for a jog. I said if I wouldn’t run, at least I’d jog. I managed 4.5 miles before I got bored… I wasn’t feeling hungry and it even felt bizarre - during the run I was wondering what food I would have, and no intense cravings came… which was rare!

However, after I stopped and let myself roam to the supermarket, I allowed myself to buy snacks and buns. Here I go again… even after I was done with a chocolate bun, I reached out for yogurt in the fridge and ate til I was uncomfortable. My tummy is bloated and it is showing. Why did I do that to myself again? Portion control.

I keep saying I’d fast today but did none of that. Angry at myself. Sorry for mistreating my body again…

I might have to try sleeping very early so I wake up earlier. Night time are the worst times where I end up binging…
If I were to eat tomorrow, it must be of sensible portions.

[donna]

It’s a new day so you can begin again.

Take a look at this resoutce I am recommending to everybody because it’s helping me. Never Binge Again

[Van]

You can do it @mimicat. You are an overcomer!!!

I know where you’re coming from. That binge cycle is just awful. I am with you on this one. You will get through this!!!

[mimicat]

I just ended a 44h fast (ended abruptly because I acted upon my impulse to eat).

I thought if I were to eat, at least I would refeed well. It started okay, with me reheating cauliflower from the day before and then 2 scrambled eggs. Then I got some biscuits and found Kit Kat in the fridge until I was so full, again… Even though I planned to stop and reset the timer, I actually put on pants to get out of the house to acquire more food. Another bad binge I feel. I’m so sick of my ill discipline.