Kiana's 50 days to confidence journal

[Kiana.15]

Intro

Hi! I’m Kiana and I struggled with being overweight since I was young. Everyday I wake up and I feel I’m not good enough. I’m unable to look at myself in the mirror and be proud of who I am. Being fat makes me feel unlovable and brought me into a great depression. I’ve tried fasts before, a 10 day fast being my longest. Yet I want to be able to push myself for longer. I want to be able to be a better me. And why not now?

This time I’m determined to do it, because I want to be able to look in the mirror and love myself again. And most importantly, accept me for me. I think being fat makes me feel ugly, and me being ugly makes me feel unworthy and me being unworthy gives me the excuse to not accept myself. I want to be able to accept myself… I want to be able to shed this layer of fat that made me miss out on countless opportunities because of my self conscious nature, that allowed me to be treated badly by others because it hid my worth from me, that layer of fat that stold my happiness away from me. I want to feel in control. And today is the day.

Why?

I’ve reached my highest weight yet and it feels horrible. I get random bouts of sadness just because I am who I am. I’m not morbidly obsese but in my mind I am. In my mind I feel ugly. In my mind I feel as if I need to change. And that’s exactly what I’m doing. I want to be able to look cute in outfits and post cute Instagram pictures without feeling self conscious. I want to be able to go out and meet new people without feeling as if I’ll never be enough for them. I want to be happy. I want to stop crying. I want to stop feeling insecure. I want to feel beautiful and be able to love myself, so that I don’t need to rely on anyone else’s attention. I just want myself back.

Long term goals

I want to be able to maintain my weight loss and be able to tone up a bit.

Short term goals for this fast

I want to be 115 pounds again!

What are some of the struggles I face?

When I fast it feels great. My mind feels clear. I’m in a better mood. And my body is at ease. However, the temptation and cravings sometimes get the most of me. My mind is my biggest struggle. I want to be able to control it. I need to ensure it doesn’t get the best of me. I’m better than that. I need to do this. I need to be a confident me walking into 2020.

Game plan

Complete this 50 day fast. Juice fast for a week. Slowly refeed into strictly keto vegan foods. I’m going to try and eat maintenance calories until my birthday and up until then I’ll reaccess and determine what needs to be done

How do I feel right now?

I feel positive. I feel in control. I feel like this is going to lead to the happiness I’ve been yearning for, for such a long time.

How will I feel once I reach my goal?

Gosh ecstatic! This will be the lightest I’ve been for the past 3 years. I’ll be able to go out. Meet new people. Find love. Achieve my goals. Have fun. Beat my depression. I cannot wait. I’m going to feel confident in who I am, and I’m not going to ever settle for anything less.

Daily affirmation

I am going to do this 50 day fast. It’s possible. If anyone can do it I can do it.

I’m not going to ever let myself go back to where I am right now. I’m slowly walking up that mountains. No matter what, by the 15th of December I’ll finally reach that peak. This is my first step. I’ve got this. Everyone whose ever failed to see my worth is going to see how much potential I really have. Now is my time.

From 18:11 on the 27/10/2019 to 18:11 on the 16/12/2019

Fasting is the medine to my soul, the healer to my body and the cure to my broken heart

[Kiana.15]

Height
159cm

Current weight
Just weighed in at 141.3 pounds!
Approximately 47.8 pounds of body fat.

Motto
Going to beat that fat!

Goals
28 pounds of body fat.
85 pounds of lean mass
Approximately 113 pounds overall!

[Compdude]

Wish you the best of luck. I just completed Day 6 of my own 40-day water fast.

[Kiana.15]

Thank you! And good luck to you too

[Kiana.15]

Can’t believe I’ve gained this much weight in a year!

[aangiego]

Me and you are about the same I need to lose 15 lbs. you got this

[Yasemin]

YOUR JOURNAL IS AMAZING I AM SO EXCITED TO SEE YOUR PROGRESS!

[Kiana.15]

Accountability

Well. This makes me really sad to be writing this but my mind seemed to have gotten the best of me, again agh!
This isn’t something new, as for a couple of months now whenever I do try and fast I usually can’t seem to make it past day 2… Thinking about it now, my willpower these days is quite horrific!

But that’s okay. That doesn’t make me a failure. Nor does it stop me from achieving. All it does is it gives me something to work on, something to better and something to be proud of improving. This minor obstacle is not going to hold me back! This minor obstacle is not enough to stop my determination in achieving my goals.

As Walt Disney said "I think it’s important to have a good hard failure when you’re young… Because it makes you kind of aware of what can happen to you. Because of it I’ve never had any fear in my whole life when we’ve been near collapse and all of that. I’ve never been afraid.”

The greatest people have failed multiple times before succeeding such as Thomas Edison, Albert Einstein, J.K. Rowling and even Stephen King. So why can’t I be one of these remarkable people too?

Breaking my fast made me feel horrible. It made me wish I could go an hour back and push through rather than cave in, but most importantly it made me realize what I don’t want to be doing again in the next couple of (hopefully) 50 days.

This time I’m confident it’s going to be different. Like Yasemin said, this is about healing and I can’t let this trump my success. Usually in the past I do spiral, but not this time. This time I’m getting straight back into it.

I know that these past 3 days are the most difficult, from experience of course, but i just need to get over this first leg of my journey and my path to success is going to get easier from there.
I really miss the feeling of fasting. I miss the mental clarity that comes with it. I miss the heightened sense. I miss the energy. I miss how it makes me feel happy. So why not overcome just 72 hours of no food to get all of those benifits back?

I’m doing this for weightloss, yes. But I’m also doing this just to get back into that fasting mentality. That mentality that allows me to heal. That allows me to think straight. That allows me to wake up in the morning, step on that scale and smile!

I’m doing this to be better, and would the “better” me merely give up because I made one mistake?
I think not!

Is it going to be difficult? Most definitely. With exams coming up and the stress that it brings along with it, it’s going to be challenging. But challenging is not impossible. Although in the past I’ve been reliant on food for being my comfort and support through this stressful time… This is not the past, this is now. This is the time to break those bad habits. This is the time to flourish. We cannot become what we want to be, my remaining what we are.

It’s never to late to start from scratch. Because this time I’m starting from experience.

So with that in mind. I’m going back into it.

And I just wanted to thank everyone for believing in me. Your support really means the world to me. And it really keeps me going.

And. To all of you out there who messed up just like I did. Just remember that it’s okay. We’re all human. We’re all bound to make mistakes. All that matters is what you do after that mistake! It’s all up to you.

So here I am. Just an ordinary human being. Owning up to my mistake. And striving to do better. Striving to be better.

I’m already into my second attempt at a fast. Starting time around 12:30 ish. So I’m just over 11 hours in. Finishing time- 12:30 on the 17/12/2019.

Here we go! Watch this space.

[Kiana.15]

Thank you so much!! You have no idea how much your support means to me. It really keeps me going and makes me even more determined to stick to this fast. And thank you for being here to inspire us all. Couldn’t do this without you!!

[Kiana.15]

Same to you!! Keep strong

[Compdude]

You may want to consider adding meditation to your daily routine. Stress can raise your levels of cortisol, a hormone that adds to weight gain and hinders weight loss. Be kind to yourself as fasting does add stress to the body.