Day 1/20
After a second national lockdown and celebrating my birthday too hard, back to do another extended fast. I did a 23 day fast in May and messed up my refeed, gaining back 6kg quickly after. I didn’t break that fast in a calm and calculated way, rather broke it by grabbing leftovers my children had that night, and only because my heart rhythm became unusually slow and weak. I’ve spent the rest of this time in between feeling ashamed and conscious of my body. I do not want to start the next year feeling this way anymore.
It’s late in the evening now and I’ve completed the day, I had a few thoughts “you can always start tomorrow” but held on knowing that if I push through these first 5 days, the rest will feel better and I can break my fast in time to enjoy Christmas Day and I can feel good about this month. I usually fast from 27 December each year into the new year and will do that again this year since it works so well for me and my family with time off work for the holidays. Wish me luck!
Close out 2020 strong: Daily journal Round 2 of 2020
Day 2/20 -story time
National Lockdown 2.0 ended today and restrictions are now based on geographical areas. For my area, it means that the gyms etc are reopened although we are still working from home. It’s Wednesday today and I usually take a Body Pump class at my gym Wednesday and Sunday mornings but cancelled today’s booking - I look too disgusting to go out and am ashamed of how much I have gained in such a short time -a lot of fattage was gained in November 
.
Instead, to avoid people, I took an online yoga class and did 20mins of weights after finishing up work for the day. In the 2 and 1/2 years I have been fasting, I have learned that doing any type of hard workout in the first 5 days, always prevents me from continuing the fast, the mental resilience isn’t there in those days so I tend to cave in when my brain starts the inevitable bargaining “if I eat today! I’ll fast 2 days and cycle this schedule, it’s consistent and that is key” except those fasting days never come because who likes day 1?
I’m not sure why I can’t sustain a fast if workout in days 1-5, perhaps I just need this time to allow the body to adapt to using its own fat for fuel before I am able to start working out at usual intensity. So, whilst I am not going to be hard on myself for flaking on today’s class, and less strenuous exercise will help me get to day 5… I do have some healing work to do. I am a 40 year old lawyer working full time, whilst also running a consulting business, raising two boys and being a wife. I should not allow anyone to judge me or define me by my weight nor should I need to be a size 8 to feel “good enough”. I cannot imagine being disgusted if someone else showed up to a workout class looking bigger, why should anyone in class then care about my weight gain? The reality is, I feel more comfortable when I workout consistently and look good. I can square this away, this makes sense to me. But what isn’t OK is that I feel ashamed to leave the house, and fear of being judged by strangers.
I grew up in a household with 5 siblings, all close in age and all teens at the same time, I wasn’t treated well or protected as I became a teenager, but mine wasn’t an incredibly unhappy childhood, I had fun playing with my siblings sometimes. I was always really skinny until I ballooned at age 9, I didn’t realise I was fat until a friend at school said “ You’re so fat. You’re just so fat” (I still hear her) she the demanded to know how much I weighed, when I told her I didn’t know, she announced to the whole class that she weighed 45 kilos. I still feel her disgust, it’s become mine (stupidly, I considered her a friend for a long while after that!). It was around this same time (age 12/13) at a family reunion, my father told me to go sit outside under the sun so the fat would melt off. On the same day, a family friend attending the same gathering, compared me to my older sister and pointed out the differences in our body shapes. After that day, my brothers teased me, until at age 14 I just stopped eating one afternoon in April; I didn’t eat for 4 days and then only ate 700 calories a day. Sometimes I would drink salt water, until eventually my mother had words and instead I made sure I burned off my 700 calories with workouts before and after school. When I lost the weight, nobody called me names anymore, cassia didn’t demand to know my weight (nor did I ever weigh 45kg) anymore. It all just stopped. When I gained weight back (through eating more during exam time or working out less to study more) the sister I was compared with would always comment, although by the time I got to what I discovered was my ‘goal weight’ I was a dress size smaller than her. Still, I would then restrict my calories again and workout until the weight came off. This cycle has repeated itself for 26 years. People have commented on my weight my whole life (on two occasions complete strangers!) depending on whether I’m up or down, each time, I feel either immense pride or absolute devastation and shame. I have never been obese, my weight goes up to 66KG from 55KG, never more. Do other girls and women experience this commentary and cruelty?
Those people are not in my life anymore, I left home at 18 and have made my own way. I am blessed. Many runaways do not land on their feet, I educated myself, got a career I’m good at, married and have two amazing boys. I should only be a particular dress size and weight because I chose to be, nobody feeds me carbage and nobody tells me to fast and lose weight now. So why am I still carrying all that shame?
Back to the present though…this fast I intend to keep yoga and weights classes, although plan to cut out cardio sessions- they seem to make me feel terrible and burn through my muscle. I should start going for walks fresh air and time away from my desk is important although I have also been avoiding leaving the house to go for walks because I am ashamed my neighbours will notice my weight gain. Tomorrow I will go for a walk.
Day 3
I felt a few hunger pangs but kept myself busy. I did some Yoga this morning before work and went for that walk, I took my husband along and for the first time in months it was just us. Why did we never think of this before? We can’t have date nights because restaurants have been closed and even when they have been open, getting a babysitter in this area is impossible. Power walks during lunch times on weekday and when the babies are at school are the way forward.
Otherwise it was a really good and productive day. Can’t wait until the hunger pang monster goes to sleep, hopefully by Saturday I’ll be in cruise control.
Day 4
Done. Today was busy at work and I finished up the day late and with a headache. I went for a walk and got some fresh air during my lunch hour. For dinner my family had some chilli for I had defrosted for them and the little one even made guacamole and begged me to join him for dinner. He is the baby of the family and I cannot resist his demands. I told him I needed to head up and shower and instead took a long hot shower. The smell of chilli being reheated filled the house and I really wanted to eat it too (still not at the stage where being around food is easy) but I wasn’t hungry so I walked away. I absolutely crave red meat during AF visits (she arrived today) but other than the headache and a few cramps, more than usual levels of irritability, I didn’t struggle with hunger pangs. I have been cold all day.
Aside from the long day at work and clients being their usual selfs, I’m thankful for having strength and resilience today. Hopefully tomorrow will be easier as it’s day 5 and a Saturday.
Day 5
Tough day today, usually it’s plain sailing from day 5 but today I felt hunger pangs in addition to feeling pretty unwell (AF). I adapted the fast by adding cream to my two morning coffees and to coat my stomach for some pain killers. None of it seems to have taken though, I have had about 6 BMs today. Ideally I’d like this to be a clean fast although at this stage, compliance with the fast for me is the priority, and although there was a point this afternoon when the cramping was so severe I thought I would need to break and restart, I was able to continue after the coffee.
My husband wanted to cook for me but I wanted to see if the cream in my coffees helped and took a shower, treating myself to body brush and scrub, and a face mask, the distraction helped reset my priorities (must remember this trick). I hope tomorrow will feel easier than today, usually by day 2 of my period, I feel a lot better but the carbage from November has made this month’s period unusually painful and heavy and unpredictable.
Otherwise, I felt really cold today. Haven’t weighed myself yet because I don’t want to feel sad, I have to just accept where I got myself. I’m going to hang on until day 10 (Thursday) although I am noticing some deflation in the hip and stomach area. I think I’m approx 8-10KG up from where I feel OKish and about 12KG from my confident/goal weight. With this fast, I am aiming to drop below 60KG and then when I start my usual end of year/into New Year fast on 27 December (this will be my third year doing this and my now post Christmas tradition which I am telling myself is non negotiable) I plan to lose the last of the weight.
Ultimately I want my goal in 2021 to be maintaining my weight and reestablishing the ADF fasting routine I kept up in 2019. I can do this. Life is too short to not feel comfortable leaving one’s house.
Body pump class tomorrow morning…
Hi @Sbrannan and welcome! Reading your story was really eye opening and made my heart sad . I’m not sure what I could say to make a difference, but know that I’m rooting for you and truly believe that you can do this! You’re doing a great job being aware of your body during your fast, so keep going and good luck! 
Day 6/20
I woke up at 5am after just 6 hours sleep although today was a great day! The energy surge I was expecting on day 5 arrived (pretty sure it was AF throwing things off) and I had a great workout this morning. After my body pump class, I headed up to the gym and did 20 mins on the cross trainer followed by a few more weights as a gentle reintroduction to my usual weights routine after this last lockdown.
I kept my salt intake up, and had wonderful afternoon drawing and playing bowling on the Wii I have had since my university days with the babies.
Nothing more strenuous than a walk for some fresh air during tomorrow’s lunch break and some yoga tomorrow. I am sure I will feel today’s exertions in the morning.
Thanks for the kind words of support Cindy, slowly finding my way, I hadn’t realised I was carrying (other people’s?) baggage until it all just came pouring out in my post. I have to figure out how to deal with it, so far only coming up with a reminder that not everyone is a Cassia and is not bothered or disgusted by me looking a bit chubby sometimes.
How is your fasting journey going?
Day 7/20
Week 1 done.
I woke up at 5:30 after only 6 hours’ sleep again but felt OK - I always want to sleep more whenever I wake up, but found I was full of energy this morning regardless. I expected to feel awful and drained after my workout yesterday but thankfully, no.
I walked for an hour with my husband and practised yoga for 50 minutes. I made a slow cook Asian beef and pepper beef stew for my family, the smells wafting around the house were incredible😛. Whilst I was working, I had a few thoughts of “I want to eat” but those thoughts were by no means strong enough to make me break. However, that thought itself on day 7 annoyed me because I have some ways to go and don’t want to keep loosing and gaining this same 20lb and it is this very thought which has caused me to put off fasts for tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow in the past. So, yes, I am angry with the thought, still, …about 5 hours later🤬. That said, I’ve been pretty irritable since this afternoon. Every time a work email came in, I wanted to throttle the sender. I even wanted to curl up and cry when little one interrupted my shower with a beastly tantrum about not being able to find some bubble wrap to walk on.
I notice in the mirror during my morning mirror check (anyone else do this?) that the fat is starting to come off - my back, shoulder and arm definition is coming through again. Still no plans to weigh myself until the mid point of this fast, on Thursday.
Overall a better start to the day than expected, mood could have been better. 1 sleep left before moving on to week 2.
Good job!!!
Keep it up! Good job.
Day 8
I did not want to do today. I woke up in a yuck mood and that feeling continued for much of the day. I went for a walk and did some yoga but other than depleting my physical energy, neither did much for the mood. My husband suggested I break the fast and after I snapped “don’t” he made a hasty retreat.
Feeling weirdly emotional. This fast has dredged up a lot of the past and perhaps with all my previous fasts where I noted reduction of scar tissue etc, my body is now turning to mental healing. I have read the body has an order in which I heals things, this time around, the inflammation I had been suffering with in my right knee and ankle was gone by this morning. Although I woke with neck pain which persisted until mid afternoon (another regular issue, except this is one I have struggled with since I was 6/7, I remember several trips to the doctor and mummy administered massages). There’s no way out other than through and I have to just find a way of taking what each day with its side effects throws at me. Tomorrow is a day of work and errands after body pump first thing. If I wake up feeling as I do now, I won’t be able to drive to the gym. 8 December 2020 - you were a disappointment, let’s hope 9/12 gets the message and behaves.
It was one of John Lennon’s worse days, too, 40 years ago today… 
Day 9
Today was better. Apart from feeling chronic stress with work, I took a body pump class at the gym and then used the cross trainer for 20 minutes. After which, I ran some errands and went about my work day. I had energy to wrap a few Christmas gifts and then helped my eldest bake a Victoria sandwich for his Cubs meeting via Zoom. Around 6pm I felt completely drained and crashed. I haven’t had any time to decompress today or without people around me at all day, I can normally do this without issue, it’s not ideal but I cope. This is the first few minutes I’ve had to myself today (it’s 915pm) now that the children are asleep.
My last 3 extended fast were physically and mentally challenging, but not emotionally. This one is tougher in that I am much more emotional, deep sadness, short fuse, tearful, overall just wrung out - all emotions I felt in quarantine but resurfacing now outside of quarantine. No way out but through. There is a reason for this, as much as it makes me feel like a basket case, I trust the
process. The last extended 23 day fast I did in May this year was all about physical healing, as was the one last year. With those fast I noticed nausea, reduction of scar tissue, my astigmatism corrected itself and I now have no need for glasses. This emotional healing must be my body working through everything I’ve felt this year but not allowed myself time or permission to work through.
I had planned to weigh myself tomorrow as day 10 marks the mid point. However, I tried on a pair of my jeans from last winter earlier and couldn’t do up the top button 
, I’ve decided it’s immaterial what the scale has to say if I don’t like my reflection, and my favourite smaller clothes don’t fit. I’m not eating so the scale will be going down inevitably. In the past, the scale has typically proven counterproductive because although I gain weight easily, I lose it easily too, fasting accelerates it. My brain takes the quick loss and says “look we lost -kg so quickly, we can afford to gorge our tits off because it’ll come off in a week anyway”. This has stopped me reaching my goal. So I’m wondering now, what if my goal isn’t a number on the scale but a simple objective - to fit into my nice clothes again?
I am stopping this fast on day 20 regardless of what fits, so I have time to refeed and enjoy Christmas and Boxing Day, but then I’ll start another fast on 27 December and go until 8th January before I switch to ADF. If I’m back in my clothes after the post Christmas fast, I will at that point weight myself to keep track of trends with ADF and ensure I’m losing over the weeks and not going off the rails on refeed days, but for now, until my clothes fit and I feel good, neither I nor anybody else cares what I weigh.
I’m not watching other people eat this time either. With any number of my extended fasts, I’ve watched cooking shows, food vloggers etc. I can’t stand the thought of it now. Instead I’m happily binge watching the Blacklist, which I’m now off to do until I pass out. 
Day 10
Yay. Mid point. Today was a good day. Went to the office for a meeting, concluded a challenging negotiation and finished wrapping Christmas gifts. I didn’t do any exercise but Thursday is my usual designated rest day. I’ve booked into my regular spin class tomorrow, I suppose if Body Pump is OK, then spin should be too (I’m sat down at least and my spin shoes are locked in 
).
No weird symptoms today.
Weird day today. Felt disoriented, couldn’t form coherent sentences. Going to bed, hopefully I’ll feel better in the morning.
These last two days I’ve had absolutely no energy at all and have just slept. I’ve gone off coffee completely. I have work tomorrow and the children both have solos in the school’s carol service in the evening. Hoping after another early night tonight I’ll feel less corpse like. I don’t feel sick, just entirely physically depleted. Never had this symptom before. ‘Tis curious.
Day 14. I had about 4 hours sleep last night followed by a 12 hour work day. Highly stressful day with clients wanting to close off deals before the Christmas break. Work flying in from every direction. I woke up with a sore throat and that drained feeling I had all weekend starting to feel hungry again now (odd). I took some bone broth but it didn’t help much. If I’m still feeling this way tomorrow then it may be time to break the fast, there’s still time to get 20 days in before Christmas.