Carolyn’s journal

Hello! I’m Carolyn. I can’t recall when my weight wasn’t an issue. For me, for my parents, for the people around me. I’ve being carrying the weight of everyone’s opinions for my entire life. I’ve always been teased for my weight, been made to workout before school when I was a kid and have always been on this up and down cycle of working out, “eating right”, seeing change and then self sabotage all my efforts. I am now 43 and at my highest weight of 225lbs and have sadly started secret/binge eating to hide my addiction to food. At 5’8” this much weight (that slowly keeps going up) is starting to wear (literally) on my bones. I’m always in pain from my hips to my feet and I’m just tired of it.

I don’t know who I am anymore. I look at myself in the mirror and no longer recognise the person staring back. My mental health is deteriorating because I don’t want to meet up with friends or do anything that makes me need to attempt to fit in to my full closet full of clothes that isn’t a t shirt and a select few pair of jeans that I know fit me. I’m desperate for a reset in mind body and soul. I want to find myself again.

Long Term and Short Term Goals:
Long term goals (slow and steady) I want to get down in to my healthy weight range of 130-145lbs and to get my BMI: fat percentage in to a healthy range. Currently my BMI is 34.6 and my fat is 43.6%. I am pretty muscular (48.9%) so not sure how close to that I can actually get but I’m up for the challenge.

Short term goals: get under 200lbs. I haven’t been under 200lbs in many years. Also, I want to not feel like a sausage in my clothes.

What are some struggles you face or you have faced in the past
I’m that girl who wears nothing but t shirts, jeans and some sort of hoodie/sweatshirt/sweater to cover myself. Yes, even in the summer. It’s to the point where I’ve trained myself not to overheat when dressed like it’s winter outside. Does it always work, no but I don’t feel good in anything else. I have a full (packed) closet and bins under my bed full of cute tops, skirts, summer dresses, etc that haven’t seen the light of day (some still have tags on them). I’m happily a homebody to avoid having to find something to wear. I hate being in pictures and standing near any of my friends who (for the most part) are fit and healthy and active.

** What is your game plan?**
Well, I just signed up for the full month August fasting group with Yasmin and crew so I’m starting at day 1 on the 1st of August. My diet is all over the place but this week to prepare I’ve committed to low carb so the effects of fasting don’t hit me like a ton of bricks come next week. I visit my family for the first time in 2 years in November so that’s my first goal marker. I’m hoping to at least be under 200lbs by then. I know I can do great things with this group taking things day by day!

How do I feel right now?
At the mo: I’m feeling pretty defeated. I wake up feeling full, I got to bed feeling full. I’m excited to start this new way of life incorporating fasting in to my life for the rest of my life. I’m excited to feel hunger pangs and feel a sense of clarity that comes out of fasting. Roll on August 1!

How will I feel once I achieve my goal?
I will feel accomplished. I will feel proud of my efforts and feel inspired to keep up the healthy habits to continue to feel this way.

Daily Affirmation
I am worth it. I am dedicated. I deserve happiness. I am worthy of a healthy happy life.

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Starting day 1 on day 2. Typical me, but I like starting things on a Monday. Was so tired from the weekend last night that I set the wrong alarm (typically I wake up at 5 but this morning 530am) but drank my water, went to the gym, biked for 45 mins and am now home waiting to start work. Mondays I’m usually off but all month I’m working overtime so I’ll work 4 hours today. Also took a shot of apple cider vinegar with some water. Never done that before but I say Yasmin do it on one of her videos so decided to give it a go! Anyone else use ACV? Looking forward to the fasting call tonight and meeting everyone! Happy Monday!

Day 2. It took me a few seconds to realise my alarm was going off this morning which is unusual. I’m usually awake before it or wake the second it goes off. It was nice to be in such a deep sleep.

Yesterday was great. Drank about a gallon of water and didn’t feel water logged at all. I’m certain I was pretty dehydrated from the weekend or just in general. I’ve never drank a gallon of water in a day but it seemed easier than I thought it was going to be.

I took today off work to use some holidays so I’m looking forward to another day of relaxing! I’m trying not to over exert myself so I continue to feel good and let my body heal. I’m going to continue to workout though- but just to move- so more like east cycles or walking vs sprint cycles and running.

Lost 4lbs. While that’s an exciting number I know for certain it’s water and and bloat I might be carrying so I’m going to take that number with a pinch of salt (hehe) and keep on trucking.

Day three. Still sleeping well which is good. Drank all my water yesterday but I’m feeling a little emotionally vulnerable at the moment. Trying hard to drown out negativity in my life and in the words of other people but it’s tough. Especially when working on my own negative thoughts.

Hopefully my mind will ease today and this isn’t a glimpse of how my day is going to go.

Fasting wise, I feel good. On the bike at the gym just now so still have energy to move. Down 7lbs so far so pleased about that. Again, lots of water weight and bloat I’m sure so taking that number with a grain of salt!

Happy Wednesday!