I feel very hungry today. Waaay to hungry…
The night before yesterday I binged… A lot… I am not proud of myself… But yesterday I fasted and I want to continue this fasting today. It is not a “real” fast because I drink a lot of iced coffee with almond milk. But the percentage of milk is o little, maybe around 30 ml, so it is ok I guess. Omg I love iced coffee… It is not possible for me to drink eat without any milk, and it is also not possible to fast without iced coffee for me. Therefore, I decided to drink it with a little amount of sugar free almond milk. Even though I feel hungry, want to continue my fast at least three days, so I want eat today as well.
My hula hoop has arrived!!! I cannot hooping but I am trying… It is hard, hula hooping is impossible. But I am sure I will figure it out one day, so I am just keep trying. And as expected, it is fun!! I drink a lot of coffee and I feel energy burst, and I am trying to hoop. Last night at 3 am I was listening doja cat and trying to hola hooping in my room.
I have a therapist, because I know I don’t have a healthy relationship with food and I don’t want to live like that. But also I wish I could talk about it with my boyfriend. He lives in a foreign country, so only way of communicating for us is online connection. He is bad at listening. He is just keep saying “I love you” when I am trying to tell him about my problems. Like, ok you love me but what is the relation between your love to me and my unsuccessful relationship with food?? Last day he told me that he loves me 9 times in a three minutes call and at this time I was trying to tell him something. He interrupted me a lot and made zero comment about the topic. When I told him about my feelings, when I told him that I felt like he had not made me feel like I was listened, he accused me with being a crazy girlfriend towards her perfect bf who is willing to do everything for me. Declaring me a crazy gf when I am talking about my feeling is misogyny, and honey no I am not a woman who will settle with bare minimum. He either treats me right or he can find himself another girlfriend. I don’t have to settle with bare minimum.
He is telling me that he supports me but no, he don’t. Not letting me speak is not quite supportive. Omg you are a 29 years old men, did not anyody ever thought you how to listen and support someone when they are sad??? I feel alone, and I feel unsuccessful because school is not going well also. Next week my midterms are starting, and I haven’t started to study yet.
I don’t find myself attractive because I have gained 18 kg during last 6 months. But yesterday my vet tried to flirt with me so I think I am still attractive to someone outside.
I feel like this platform is the only place I can talk nowadays.
Buse, it will be ok, I promise. Think about the cute dresses you bought last summer. You used to look so good in them, you can lose that 20 kg, shake the streets again. You are already beautiful right now but you will be amazing if you lose weight also. Be healthy, treat yourself better because this is what you deserve.